I honestly laughed out loud when I saw this.  I don’t mind women superheros, but if you look back on the history of female superhero movies you can see the fields is littered with horrible movies that are kind of career killers for the stars.  It’s like Scarlett is tired of being a successful actress and wants something to end her run.

If you look at girl superhero movies, the only two that are remotely canon and taken seriously are Catwoman and Electra.  In both cases the films failed miserably.  Catwoman was voted the 15th worst film in history, and Electra was about as unwatchable as a comic movie can get.  The thing that Scarlett Johansson should keep in mind however is the fact that since those films neither Halle Berry or Jeniffer Garner have had a good solo role and have kind of slunk off to do mediocre movies and support roles.

It makes me wonder if there is something about women comic hero movies that puts the audience off.  Most comic book fans are dudes, and a group more willing to look at hot women in tights you won’t find.  However, it might just be that since most comic book fans like to think of themselves as the hero in a film, you won’t pull them in to watch someone the cannot see themselves as like a hot girl.  Either that or Hollywood doesn’t know how to or care enough to write a decent script.

The Catwoman image I got from the comic book t shirts.  Nice shirt, but I don’t know about the color.

Jason

Dave’s not much into Superman but I am, and I have to say that I was really hoping for someone other than another old villain for the next movies.

Honestly, General Zod was never much of a villain in the comic, yet somehow he is the main bad guy in two different movies.  I guess this is more proof that Hollywood cannot come up with anything remotely new for anything.  It’s not like there aren’t other villains who can give Superman a run for his money.  Brainiac alone makes for a really good story because he is so smart, and if you just want life threatening mayhem go with Doomsday.  I just think General Zod was so well done in the other movie that there is no need to rehash his character again.

This cool Braniac picture comes from Dave’s DC comic t shirts.  I think I am going to have to get one for myself.

Of course, really when you think about it I don’t know if Lex Luthor was really treated fairly in Superman Returns.  Sure, he was pretty cool and I thought Kevin Spacey both did a great job and had the man parts to actually go bald unlike Gene Hackman, but Lex Luthor is supposed to have a ton of super science backing him up.  I want to see Lex in a super powered armor suit flying around blasting Superman with Krpytonite autocannon shells.  Also, what the hell was the deal with his secret plan?  He wanted to raise a new continent, killing half the world population, and then sell barren salt encrusted rock real estate to the half that didn’t drown?  I mean sure he might do some damage, but did he really think that no country in the world wouldn’t have an aircraft carrier survive the aftermath and wouldn’t air strike him to death?  Also, while appearing before the UN to claim the land he just created don’t you think someone might have asked him some tough questions about the billions of people he just killed in order to make it?  Just dumb, really.

Back on Zod.  The question I always had at the end of the last one was shouldn’t Lois Lane have had super powers after the whole switcheroo machine went off?  For that matter, if the three of them could have killed Superman why did they take the chance on him pulling some kind of fast one?  I’d be like “Well, we could let him use his equipment in his Fortress of Solitude where ever single wall and piece of furniture looks alike, or we could just remove all his internal organs and launch the remains into the nearest black hole.”

Also, what is up with a human having sex with Superman?  I mean, aside from the fact that he would most likely tear her in half in the first two seconds, how is it he feels any sensation from her?  It would be like having sex with a woman made out of tissue paper.

Damn, I just wrote a Dave length post.  Don’t get used to it.  I did find this really funny blog cast of General Zod talking to his defense attorney before being sentenced to the phantom zone.  It’s really good.

Jason

I have been reading a bit about the new Green Lantern sequel.  Any fan of comics will tell you that the first one sucked.  While I don’t pay attention things like writers and directors like Dave does it seems they are making a few positive changes and then a massive number of negative stay the sames.

The GL shirt I found in Dave’s DC comic t shirts, incidentally.

First off, they are apparently firing the director, Martin Campbell.  Good move in my opinion.  He really chocked it.  However, they are keeping the same writers.  How does that make sense?  I mean, do they really think the writers from the first one did such a great job, or that they have some kind of connection to the Green Lantern story?  If this was an original character they created that might be a good idea, but really the original creators all are the comic book writers.  Get any lame hack in the world he he will have as much connection.

They say they are going to be relying less on CGI.  Good move.  There was way to much of it in all the wrong directions.  But the biggest mistake they are going to make is they are keeping smarmy sleaze bucket Ryan Reynolds as the main guy.  Is it remotely possible to hire someone who might take the part seriously and not smirk at the camera all day long?  Maybe someone who understands comics.  He wears a mask.  He doesn’t have to be the biggest hearth throb in Hollywood.  Get rid of him.

Jason

My name is Jason, and I’m coming on board with Dave as his loyal sidekick, kind of like Robin only not so wimpy (Robin shirt from the Batman T Shirt category).  I am going to be posting here reasonably often about nerd stuff I see in order to have this blog do what it is supposed to do and give Dave more time to work on his actual job.

Dave is going to keep on doing all the movie reviews and long nerd rants, and odds are won’t slow down on them.  I really don’t have that kind of free time, since I actually have a life, and will be keeping my posts short and sweet.  Mostly I will be keeping an eye out for interesting nerd facts about upcoming movies, comic books, and so on.  One that I heard the other day has to do with the fact that they are likely to make the Expendables 2 PG-13 instead of R.  Big mistake in my opinion, as PG-13 is a recipe for suck.  Word on the street (or internet) is that this was a requirement put forth by tough guy Chuck Norris, as he feels the need for kids to see him in all his middle aged glory.  Guess what, Chuck?  No one young enough to be affected by an R rating gives a rats ass about you.  Get over yourself.

Jason

Most reviews seem to have panned this, but I kind of liked it.

This week is more proof that I have been secretly transported to Bizarro world and that in it most of Bizarro humanity is comprise of freaks and I am the normal one.  Everyone loved Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and I thought it was sluggish and confusing.  Everyone seems to hate this movie and, to be honest, I really enjoyed it.  I found it fun, interesting, and honestly frightening at points, and when I get back to the real, non-Bizarro world I am sure I will find any number of people who agree with me (in the real world I also have a ton of money and women find me irresistible.  Bizarro world sucks.  Bizarro image courtesy of the Superman T Shirt category).

That is not to say this movie doesn’t have it’s flaws, and I can totally see where a lot of the criticism stems from.  We will get into that shortly, but overall I found this movie to be a good time.

What I didn’t find this movie to be, however, was a good value for the money.  It is a woefully short 87 minutes and the ending they pulled out of their asses with no sign of any kind of resolution, conclusion, or development.  As it is a mock “found footage” documentary this is kind of understandable, but honestly this film looks exactly like a student film that the people working on it got bored and decided to just end it in one fell swoop.  The film puts the “ow” in “low budget” and I think there is a distinct possibility they ran out of funds and decided to wrap it up quick.

The movie is presented as a documentary about a daughter named Isabella Rossi (Fernanda Andrade-Why am I Doing This?, Fallen, For Love or Country; the Arturo Sandoval Story) looking into the demonic possession of her mother (Susan Crowley-Born of Fire, Cristabel) with the help of a documentarian named Micheal (Ionut Grama-The Whistleblower, Guber’s Journey, Closer to the Moon) who wants to do a film about exorcisms.  They travel to Rome where the mother is locked up in a Catholic mental hospital.  In Rome they meet two freelance exorcists, Ben and David (Simon Quarterman-The Scorpian King; Rise of a Warrior, Inside, Perfect Strangers and Evan Helmuth-Garfield, Fever Pitch, Franks Book.  Wasn’t the Helmouth the name of the portal to Hell in the basement of the school in Buffy the Vampire Slayer?), both priests who do exorcisms without the consent of the Church.  The mother killed three people when they last tried to exorcise her so the Church wants nothing to do with her.

At that point we get a lot of character development.  Interviews go on with Ben, David, and Isabella that explore their reasons and motivations for being into exorcism.  In a normal film I would be very pleased to see such character depth presented, but in a documentary format I can’t really give props for characters more or less saying “The reason I got into exorcism is blah blah blah”.  Fish in a barrel, really.  This section drags on a little but the pacing seemed appropriate for a documentary.  We get to the actual exorcism and at that point the story kind of drops the character exploration in favor of some scary scenes.  A few minutes later someone switches the record player from 33 to 45 (all my older readers should understand that last one) and the story thunders to the conclusion like it activated the booster rocket embedded in its ass.  Demonic chaos (haw!) ensues and some stuff that was hinted at never gets revealed.

The stars.  Well done, given the limitations that found footage movies must labor under.  One star.  While it was obviously derived from Blair Witch Project, I didn’t feel like it was really just a remake.  One star.  The actors were all pretty good, and I liked all the characters.  One star.  Fernands Andrade is super cute in a wholesome way that I really liked (also brunette, my personal fav).  One star.  This horror movie was actually scary at points, and presented some creepy and interesting concepts.  I found myself jumping at times.  One star.  Good use of camera and lighting to help set the creepy mood.  One star.  Good character development and presentation, at least in the first half of the film.  One star.  The didn’t do the whole camera-man-jogging-so-the-screen-is-constantly-jumping-around thing, which meant I didn’t lose my popcorn.  One star.  Overall entertaining.  One star.  Total: nine stars.

The black holes.  The movie ended so abruptly I expected the airbag to go off.  One black hole.  The film felt really, really short and had a lot of padding in the form of characters walking down hallways and so one.  Not a lot of meat.  One black hole.  While the horror buildup was presented with a nice progression once we got into the actual scary stuff the movie was pretty much over.  It’s rare that I ask for more gore, but this movie could have used something.  One black hole.  There was a large number of opportunities for further plot or character development that were left by the wayside.  Each character, including the possessing demon, had something hinted at that would have been really interested had we been given a little more.  One black hole. Total: Four black holes.

So a total of five stars, which is way more than I expected it to get going in.  I had heard this movie sucked and was more or less salivating in anticipation of something really juicy to chew on, but found that it wasn’t bad.  In fact, I spent the first 20 minutes really looking for the suck before settling into my seat to enjoy it.  Is it worth seeing?  Sure, especially if you can see it for $5 like I did.  It will do OK on a TV scree, but some of the exorcism scenes might lose a lot, especially the first one.  Date movie?  For the right girl, yes.  Don’t take someone who is religious unless you want to get a religious lecture and a firm handshake at the end of date.  Actually, I think this is an excellent date movie.  Scary enough to have her holding onto your arm but not so frightening that she gets creeped out on the ride home.  There are a couple scenes involving things that might creep out a girl particularly, but for the most part if she has a brain and sense of humor it should work OK.

Thanks for reading.  Nothing to see tonight, so I will continue with my end of the year awards tomorrow.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  Have a good night, and I will talk to you all later.

Dave

Time to get into this.  First of all, this is actually the best and worst movies of 2011 that I actually saw and reviewed, for the most part.  If I missed something you think is supposed to be here, my apologies.  I am going to do this Oscar style by listing the candidates for my fake awards and then let you know the winner.  I think each post in this series I will give a few of my bitter joke awards and end up with one or two good one.

The “Who Brought This Guy Award” for the most unnecessary, worthless, or unasked for sequel of the year.  The candidates are: the Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part I, Johnny English Reborn, Columbiana, and The Hangover Part II.  Johnny English seems to be the obvious choice, but when you think about it the reasons for this sequel make total sense: ripping off as many foreign viewers as possible.  The bitterness that resides deep in the heart of the voting Academy (one member, me) makes me inclined to go with the Hangover, but I think if the movie going audience had been poled prior to this abortion being released most people would have said a sequel was a good idea.  Yes, the winner of the Who Brought This Guy Award goes to Columbiana.  It was originally written as a sequel to the Professional, a film that in no way ever needed a sequel.  Also it was pretty miserable as a stand alone movie.

The “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” award for the flattest, most robot-like emotionless performance(s) of the year.  The candidates are Nicholas Cage for Season of the Witch and Drive Angry, Ryan Gosling for Drive, Robert the tire from Rubber, the dead cosmonaut from Apollo 18, and Atom the fighting robot from Real Steel.  The winner, barely beating out the dead cosmonaut, has to be Nicholas Cage.  Congratulations.

The “Accidentally drank from the Drano can instead of my beer award” (AKA the George Inman (my father) memorial award) for the movie that I thought was going be great and instead felt like I was being shot naked with a paintball gun for two hours.  The candidates are The Green Hornet, The Green Lantern, Conan the Barbarian, Battle Los Angeles, The Hangover Part II, the Killer Elite, and The Adventures of Tintin.  In terms of biggest level of anticipation followed by biggest fall, this Nerdy can only go to the Green Lantern.  I had so much hope for this movie, and was so bitterly disappointed.  (Green Lantern image courtesy of the Comic Book t shirt category)

The “Purposely drank from the Drano can” award for the movie that I totally expected to suck and it did.  The candidates are New Years Eve, Jack and Jill, Footloose, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, What’s Your Number, the Change Up, and I am Number Four.  This Nerdy is near and dear to my heart, as it is my chance to feel good about how smart and perceptive I am.  Bucky Larson was a contender, but I have to give it to Jack and Jill, the movie equivalent of passing a baseball sized kidney stone.

The “Dave is an idiot” award for the movie I expected to suck and turned out great.  The candidates are Fast Five, Bridesmaids, Friends with Benefits, Our Idiot Brother, Don’t be Afraid of the Dark, Warrior, and the Thing.  Honestly, I am going to have to go with the Thing.  I thought it was going to be another mediocre remake of a great movie, and instead it was a brilliant prequel to a great movie.  Kudos.

The “I wish I had a hot car and girlfriend” award for the best driving movie.  This year there were only  three eligible.  Drive, Drive Angry, and Fast Five.  I am going to have to give this Nerdy to Fast Five.  I was really surprised how much I enjoyed it.  The other two were retrospectively a boring arsty noir film and a bad grindhouse spoof.

That’s it for today.  Warhammer tonight and I have to compose a new list.  More awards tomorrow.  Thanks for reading.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  By the way, I saw the trailer for the Hobbit and, while it looks decent like detecting a lump in my testicles I am starting to see signs that the cancer of remaking great stories to suit Hollywood creeping its way into this film.  It’s been years since I read the Hobbit, but I don’t recall Bilbo Baggins spending a lot of time in Elrond looking at the Shards of Narsil.  He was there, but it was pretty brief.  Also, I couldn’t be sure but I think they stuck a human into the party besides Gandalf with the dwarfs.  Also someone told me they managed to crowbar Arwen into the the story.  You know, in a story as rich as the Hobbit I think it’s OK to not have a pretty face in there worthlessly.  I don’t know if any of this is true, but I hope they aren’t going to ruin this in order to make a few more bucks.  I’ll let you know what else I hear.

Dave

Pretty damned good.

It is always nice to see something decent after being subjected to the film equivalent of a flesh eating virus.  Thursday night I dragged myself to New Years Eve, and truly regretted it.  Last night I went to see Sherlock Holmes and was reminded that there is still some good in the world (of movies).  This movie is in all ways entertaining and exciting, with great writing, dialog, acting, and action.

It is, of course, a grandiose story of Sherlock Holmes, the greatest fictional detective ever (actually, I would claim Batman as the greatest fictional detective ever, but that’s just a personal preference.  Batman image courtesy of the Batman T Shirt category) and his friend Dr. Watson.  They are attempting to prevent the infamous Moriarty from literally destroying Western Civilization.

I’m not going to get too deep into the story, as I spent literally hours yesterday writing up that dumb New Years movie and have a lot to do today, but it starts off with Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.-Iron Man, of course) dealing with the impending marriage of his long time companion Dr. Watson (Jude Law-actually, some good movies here that no one but me likes.  The Road to Perdition, Cold Mountain, and Enemy at the Gates to name a few).  Meanwhile, he rescues a hot Gypsy fortune teller (Naomi Rapace-the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo et al) who’s brother is involved in a secret plan cooked up by Moriarty (Jared Harris-Natural Born Killers, Resident Evil Apocalypse).  They are aided by Holmes’ brother Mycroft (Stephen Fry-V for Vendetta, a bunch of other roles calling for a smarmy over-educated pasty white guy).  I expect you all to see this film, so I don’t want to throw too much into this.  Stuff blows up, Holmes deduces stuff, and a lot of fairly cool action occurs.

The stars.  I know I’m a sucker for English accents, but the dialog couldn’t be more perfect.  The language and diction was perfectly in period of the late 19th century England.  Two stars.  Well written story.  Two stories.  Excellent performances by literally everyone.  Two stars.  They did this really cool quick cut sequences thing to show how Sherlock Holmes’s deductive brain worked.  One star.  There were some shooting and running slow motion action scenes that were really cool.  One star.  A couple of really cool plot twists.  One star.  There was a ton of really funny humor seamlessly mixed into the dialog.  One star.  The onscreen relationship between Watson and Holmes felt really real and genuine.  I know this is just a reflection of the excellent acting talents of Robert and Jude, but still it was refreshing to see.  One star.  Mycroft was outstanding in every scene he was in.  One star.  So was Moriarty.  One star.  And two bonus stars for a good movie experience.  Total: fourteen stars.

The black holes.  This is just a reflection of my own stupidity, but the combination of Robert Downey Jr. fast deliver plus the English accent meant I kept missing what I felt were either funny or plot critical points.  One black hole, although that’s really for my slow brain.  I felt the whole Dr. Watson marriage and his wife’s character were kind of unnecessary.  I don’t think they added much to the story, especially once the wife more or less fell off the screen.  One black hole.  That’s it.  Two black holes.

In the vexing but not black hole worthy, I really only have one and it galls me like a burning coal in my gut to say this, but I honestly think this movie would have been better in 3D.  Gah, I can’t believe I just wrote that!  I hate 3D.  However, there were a number of scenes involving artillery shells, knives, and bullets that would have looked cool in 3D.  OK, I said it.  I’m going to go flagellate myself after finishing this review in punishment.

So a grand total of twelve stars and my recommendation that you see it in the theater.  Some of the epic scenes will lose impact on a smaller screen.  Good date movie, as your date will probably be entertained by the clever English dialog.  Also she could possibly fill you in on any of the dialog you missed (going to the movies by yourself sucks.  Trust me, I know).

Sorry about the short review, but when I like a movie I don’t usually find a lot to write about.  I am happy to report that the movie I unleashed all the bile in my life upon yesterday, New Years Eve, tanked horribly and is being counted as a film failure in spite of the celebrity lineup.  Well, done, America.  You reaffirm my faith in humanity.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

Last night I was at a friends house perusing her DvD collection and came across a couple movies that sparked my interest on this topic.  I love cartoons, and in many cases prefer them to real movies (and, to be honest, my own real life).  My theory is any idiot can point a camera at other idiots to make a film, but the expense of creating animation is so high (at least for hand drawn) that they need to make sure the story is solid before even getting it going.  Puts motivation on the writers, in most cases.

That is not to say there isn’t a lot of animated crap out there, but those movies usually fall into the trap of pandering to uptight kids parents (not the kids themselves, ironically).  Also, this list has my own twist, so don’t expect to see a lot of smiley, happy Disney movies.  Most of these have some kind of dark twist or complicated story.

10.  Titan A.E.  This movie wasn’t necessarily the greatest story ever told, but it was the very first movie to make extensive use of CGI technology.  It was also a post-apocalyptic story (A.E. stands for After Earth) that had a dark theme to it.  It explored some fairly cool themes as well.  The movie has taken on cult status, but I feel I gain a lot of geek credibility by having actually seen it in the theater. This movie was also the straw that broke the camel known as Fox Animation Studios’s back, and whenever Fox suffers I feel good (still haven’t forgiven them for cancelling Firefly and about 10 other great shows).

9.  Wall-E.  I know I said no cute movies, but this one is definitely one of my favorite Pixar themes.  Complex story, awesome animation, and when you look at the fact that humanity has continued it’s current trend towards grotesque, morbid obesity it has a dark theme too.  I went into this film expecting kiddy pap and walked out seriously impressed.

8.  Ghost in the Shell.  I can’t really call myself an anime fanatic, but I enjoy the genre and any nerd worth his salt needs to see this movie at some point.  Futuristic crime thriller set in cyberpunk Japan, it featured super cool cyborgs and high technology crime.  It sparked all kinds of associated video games and manga series’s.  Incidentally, the literal translation of the Japanese title is “Mobile Armored Riot Police”.  Cool.

7.  South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.  This movie really showed something important that most other films derived from tv shows fail at; it is possible to have a great stand alone film derived from a TV show.  This movie did what South Park always does-pushed the envelope so far into the uncomfortable that it kind of pushed out the other side.  Also, I happen to still love South Park, so this is kind of a personal thing.

6.  Akira.  Another great anime film, this one features cyberpunk motorcycle street gangs and dark, gruesome action.  This one also does not pull back on the realistic violence, and ends in a level of mass destruction rarely matched in any other animated film.

5.  Spirited Away.  Woof.  Talk about dark.  Rather, talk about dark that masquerades as cute.  Great story, as well as a great look into Japanese culture, this epic fish out of water story is one I will always watch given the chance.  I have seen it multiple times and ever time I watch it I catch some other detail I missed entirely.

4.  the Incredibles.  Great story, great animation.  Some might make the mistake of assuming this is a cute kiddy film, but let’s not forget the fact that Dash is killing Syndrome’s henchmen left and right and laughing the whole time.  Also, remember the corpse of Gazerbeam?  Or the fact that Syndrome gets sucked into a jet engine in what could be accurately described as one of the most gruesome death possible?  Definitely adult themes here.  Of course, the story rocks, the characters all rule, and in an ironic twist the entire film was intended to be a spoof of the Fantastic Four yet somehow managed to remain more true to the original FF than any of the actual movies.

3.  the Iron Giant.  This film was such a cool experience for me when I saw it in the theater.  It started out as a cute ET giant robot film, with the Giant learning about what it means to be human and bonding with young Hogarth (I wish I was named Hogarth) while being pursued by a federal agent.  Just when you are ready to pass out from so much sugar in your blood, the Giant thinks Hogarth is killed and turn into an UNSTOPPABLE, UNHOLY KILLING MACHINE!  This is like going to see a community theater production of Hamlet and in the third act a bunch of strippers come out and perform.  The Iron Giant kicks the crap out of the best military the US of the 1060′s can produce, only to revert to his kind self and save the day.  My only real issue with the film is the ending.  The Giant flies up to intercede the nuclear missile coming in to kill everyone.  Couldn’t he just have whipped out one of the several dozen guns he had just been using and shoot it from a safe distance?  Oh, well.  Great film, and actually really good for kids.

2.  the Nightmare Before Christmas.  What a fun story.  The twisted Christmas preparations Halloween town was making were great.  Jack Skellington is awesome, and in one of the weirdest twists of my cinema life I actually like the songs.  The only other musical where the songs didn’t have me chewing on the arm rest was Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along Blog.  This story presents a character arc in the truest sense of the term, with Jack showing a steady, progressive character development throughout the film.

1.  Batman Mask of the Phantasm.  I guess I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have a film on here odds are most of you have never heard of, but this is my all time favorite animated movie.  What this story addresses that almost all other films and cartoons treat as peripheral at best is that Batman is not really about Batman.  It is about a human being named Bruce Wayne who, in spite of all his wealth, has one of the most messed up and troubled lives you could possibly imagine.  Haunted by the death of his parents (and secretly blaming himself for it), he will never find peace or love in this lifetime.  Of course, the Phantasm is a great villain, the story is convoluted in the coolest way possible, and we get to see the Joker as voiced by the great Mark Hamill.  Also, violent and dark as hell, without the happy ending most cartoons seem to look for.  In my opinion this is one of the best Batman stories ever told, and from a script point of view will take it over any of the other Batman movies except maybe the Dark Knight.  Of course that was about Heath Ledger as Joker, so from a strict story perspective Mask is superior.  (Lightning Strikes image courtesy of the Batman t shirt category).

That’s my list.  Feel free to disagree with me.  I am sure I missed something really cool.  Just don’t spam me with Disney stuff.  I don’t care if you think Bueaty and the Beast or the Little Mermaid are the best out there.  They are fun, but given that they are all derived from fairy tales and more or less star the same character and rely on cuteness to make the movie happen I can’t go there.  Also, neither of them qualify in the “I actually like the songs” category.

Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  If you do you can send me your opinions directly.  Or just post here.  As long as you don’t cuss I’ll put it up.  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

So the date I had Thursday was one of the best I’ve ever had.   I had some comments on what I think is going on, but just decided I don’t want to shoot from the hip and screw things up until I have a better grip on what the deal is.  She is a great girl, and I hope once she gets over her ex she figures out that I am a great guy.

Anyway, the movie we saw was The Guard, is an Irish film that was ridiculously funny and charming.  In fact, it was probably the best date movie we could have picked out.  I laughed my ass off, and we had a lot to talk about afterward.  I do recommend it highly.

The story is of an Irish policeman (apparently called Guards over there, or Garda) named Gerry Boyle (Brendan Gleeson – Gangs of New York, Troy, Mad-Eye Moody from Harry Potter) who is grizzled and unorthodox.  He apparently does drugs a lot, regularly hires hookers, and has ties to the IRA.  Somehow he still retains a core of integrity with regards to his job.  He gets paired up with uptight FBI agent Wendell Everett (Don Cheadle – Iron Man 2, a bunch of other crap including Hotel for Dogs.  Iron Man image courtesy of the Marvel comic t shirt category) who is on the trail of international drug smugglers who are looking to land their product on the Irish coast.  Boyle comes across as a racist, ignorant Irishman but as the movie progresses you realize it is a front to hide his sharp mind.

Pretty much every character is hilarious, and they all play together well.  Most of the rest of the Garda is somehow corrupt and is bribed to look the other way.  Boyle runs through the movie like a wrecking ball with a devil may care attitude that I appreciated.  Everett has all kinds of problems with him but in the end appreciates what he is.  Drug bust hijinks ensues.  Some guys get shot (not as many in most American cop films).  You spend about 1/3rd of the movie trying to figure out what the last guy said in his Irish brogue.

The stars.  Brendan Gleeson was awesome and funny.  Two stars.  All the rest of the characters were pretty cool, including the American and the drug smugglers.  One star.  Good story and dialog.  Two stars.  Set in Ireland.  One star.  They kept the gun play to a minimum.  One star.  All the humor was really tongue in cheek and required you to pay attention.  One star.  Two really hot Irish prostitutes made a gratuitous but appreciated appearance, and there was a wife who was super hot too.  One star.  Overall a good movie.  One star.  Total: ten stars.

The black holes.  There were points where the Irish accented English could have used a subtitle, causing me to think I missed a lot.  One black hole.  The last ten minutes devolved into a typical gun action cop movie.  One black hole.  While it may or may not be true, the movie did not paint Irish cops in a very positive light.  One black hole.  Total: three black holes.

So a total of seven stars, a great score.  I really enjoyed this film and think I will try to see it again some time to try to pick up on the stuff I might have missed.  I might suggest it to my friends for movie night as well.  The shooting wasn’t exceptional IMO, so in spite of having the chance to film amazing gorgeous Irish countryside the film tends to focus on the characters and be a little on the bland side.  Not enough to warrant a black hole, but enough to say it would be OK to watch on your screen at home.  NetFlix it.

I was at movie night with my friends tonight (the movie was Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead, truly awful but in a funny way) and the topic of comic book movies came up during the pizza break.  I gave it some thought on the way home and decided to compose a list of the really bad ones.  I am going to stick to the main stream stuff, since if I start adding secondary characters like the Spirit, TMNT, and Barbed Wire this list could get to be 100 strong.  This is all in my opinion, so feel free to disagree and argue all you want.

10.  Fantastic Four-sorry, Jessica Alba is not the Invisible Woman.  Mistreated in all ways, starting with making Ben Grim look like they a wax figurine they left in the sun too long.  This movie basically tore into the great legacy of the first family of Marvel and excreted a steaming pile of cellulite pretending to be a coherent film.

9.  Judge Dredd-I think this story is another one that suffers more from bad casting than from bad writing and direction (although it had those too).  Sylvester Stallone has a hard time pulling any role other than Rambo or Rocky (although I thought he was great in Copland) and he really couldn’t pull off Dredd.  More importantly, in my mind, is the fact that Judge Dredd the comic is a grim and humorless look at the dark and bleak future.  Why, then, did the producers feel the need to forcefully inject a comic relief character (Rob Schneider) as the bumbling criminal sidekick who hides in a robot and is pulled out covered in spaghetti?  Did the writers actually read any of the Judge Dredd comics?

8.  Daredevil-another terrible casting job, but this one was overshadowed by the incompetent writing and direction.  Ben Afleck sucked in here, but he was also given a crap script to work with.  I harbor a special hatred for this movie as it infected us with horrible sequel Electra.  This movie would have made this list, but I wanted to stay away from secondary characters.  Jennifer Garner is pretty hot, but a quick look at her film biography makes it look like she is trying to wallpaper the Great Wall of China with pages from bad movie scripts.

7.  The Punisher-this one hits me square in the heart, as the Punisher was always one of my favorite comics.  However, being a fan boy only heightened my sense of outrage when I saw how they butchered the Frank Castle story.  Also, if you want to go back even further in the history of bad movie casting, the original movie starred none other than Dolph Lundgren.  I was a fan of his from Universal Soldier, and felt he really made the movie happen in the Expendables, but in this movie he only took a sinking ship and filled the hold with lead bars.

6.  X-Men Origins: Woverine-I had a mental debate over which was the worst; this one or X-Men Last Stand.  Based on the fact that Last Stand at least made a token effort to stay true to the original story (by like 5% more.  I know it still butchered it) I had to go with Origins.  Weapon X was a great mini series (although there is some serious debate as to a lack of origin for Wolverine was actually part of his charm) that got chopped into fertilizer and spread on a field of crapcorn.  However, as mad as I was at the treatment of Logan in this bomb, it was nothing compared to the way Deadpool was molested.  Talk about unfair treatment.  There is another character whom I felt got worse treatment (we’ll talk about him when I get to his worst movie) but this one almost took the cake.  Also, could they have miscast Gambit more?  The only way they could have done worse is if they had cast him with a one legged Asian woman.  Again, read the damned comic once or twice.  (Deadpool image courtesy of the Marvel Comic t shirt category)

5.  Ghost Rider-so Nicholas Cage is supposed to be a massive Ghost Rider fan, right?  To the point that has a Ghost Rider tattoo.  As a fan, wouldn’t you think he would at some point look at the script and say something like “Hey, you guys are kind of taking a great comic book character and making him into total crap”?  I know I would.  The story sucked, the back story sucked, and the fact that they couldn’t decide if they were doing Golden Age Ghost Rider, 90′s Ghost Rider, or Spirits of Vengeance sucked.  Also, what the hell was the deal of him only being able to manifest at night?  Where did that come from?  Sounds like a convenient plot device designed to add drama and tension in place of an actually good script.  Also, Johnny Blaze was blond.

4.  Spiderman 3-I can sum up this movie in three words: emo Peter Parker.  However, we can also talk about how one of the most amazing origin/conflict stories of all time, Venom, was compressed and mutilated into a five minute line to introduce yet another villain into an already sub-moronic script.  Sorry, but the real Venom story could be a four hour two part movie.  They did it for Harry Potter and Kill Bill.  Then they stuck Harry Osborne onto a flying snowboard with no Goblin mask.  The only villain that didn’t make me hurl was Sandman.  I thought he was kind of cool, and would have been great as the solo villain.  Also, Sam Raimi, I will always love you for the Evil Dead I and II, but burn in hell for making me listen to Kirsten Dunst sing.

3.  Green Lantern-if you want to get a more detailed description of my issues with this film, check out the review I did for it a couple months back.  However, this is yet another example of death by bad casting.  Ryan Reynolds should focus on playing sleazy low life losers and leave the super heroes to people for whom acting is more than smirking at the camera.  Plus the story sucked, they more or less glossed over the whole training and Green Lantern Corps business, and the villain was about as threatening as a big rain cloud coming at you.  Yes, I put this movie as stupider than Spiderman 3, if only because Spiderman had one villain who was semi cool.

2.  Catwoman-did the creative control people at DC have some kind of brain aneurysm and forget that Catwoman was a secondary semi-villain and love interest to Batman, not a resurrected crime fighter?  I know, I said no secondary characters, but this movie sucked so bad I can’t let it pass.  Also, if any of the X-Men movies taught us anything, it’s that Hallie Barry is not suited to being a super-anything and should focus on movies where she can show her breasts, like Operation Swordfish and Monsters Ball.  Also, I’d like to give this movie a lifetime achievement award for the worst fight choreography of all time.  There is no way a girl who weighs about 102 pounds can run onto the prone body of a fully grown man and ride him like a surfboard across a floor no matter how waxy.  The physics just don’t allow it.

1.  Batman and Robin-ugh.  This dog.  OK, this is the movie that in my opinion most destroys a comic book character, and that character is Bane.  In the comics he is a super smart criminal from South America who uses drugs to enhance his physical abilities as he fights.  In the movie he is just a grunting thug henchmen for Poison Ivy.  Sorry, but if you are going to have Bane a movie you can only do the Breaking the Bat story line.  Also, this movie proves the fact that there is such a thing a villain over saturation in a film.  The greatest thing about Batman is not so much Batman the crime fighter as it is the amazing Rogues Gallery he has to fight against.  Bane, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze; any of these have fascinating stories that could be fleshed out into a great film alone.  However, Hollywood whore Joel Schumacher was literally meeting with toy manufacturers during production to see how many different toys he could shove into this farce, so I guess the more villains the more action figures, right?  It is a sad state of affairs when I have to say the villain I liked the best was Mr. Freeze, as Arnold did an absolutely horrid job of it but was slightly less intolerable than any of the others.  Also, what the hell was the deal with him needing diamonds to fuel his suit?  Possible the worst and most unnecessary plot device of all time.  Diamonds are an inert material, and there isn’t any stretch of science or science fiction short of cold fusion that implies they could be used for power in any way.  Furthermore, assuming such technology actually existed, you can buy industrial grade and artificial diamonds by the pound that are in all ways chemically identical to jewelers diamonds.  What, because Mr. Freeze creates ice we had to have him motivated by something else clear?  It is literally insulting.  I could go on listing issues here (Bat-nipples, implied homoeroticism (not a problem, but this was never a thing in the comic), guys skating on ice but clearly on rollerblades, etc.), but will instead wrap up by saying this movie killed the Batman franchise for eight years and won 11 Razzie awards.  Nice job, Joel.

I have what may or may not be considered a date tomorrow night, and the girl wants to see a movie, so with luck I will have something new to review soon.  Without luck I will have to sit through One Day again and probably kill myself on the way home by sucking on my car tailpipe.  More movies coming out this weekend, including Warrior, Contagion, and Bucky Larson, so I should have some good stuff coming up.  By the way, if any of you have a clue how to get invited to see movies early as a reviewer post something here or send me a message @Nerdkungfu (you can follow me too if you like).