Geez, must every movie be remade?  It’s one thing when a great movie is remade into a cruddy one, but if I recall correctly Red Dawn was not exactly the greatest film ever made.  I guess that’s the sound of the bottom of a barrel being scraped, which is funny when you think about all the really good movies out there that could be remade.  Maybe the really good movies are somehow immune to remakes.  It keeps looking like they are going for movies that were good enough to do OK at the box office but not so good as to make the fans get really pissed off.

The reason I pulled this Chairman Mao image from the Political T Shirts is the original story was supposed to be about the Chinese invading the US to reposes on a bunch of defaulted debts.  That actually might have been good and would have definitely been timely.  However, the studio decided they couldn’t afford to alienate the Chinese and opted instead to go with the sucktastic choice of North Korea.  Do they really expect me to believe a county the size of Minnesota has the resources and manpower to even seriously threaten the United States?  This is one of the rare times you get to see a studio actively make the decision to create a crap movie.  It really just goes to show how little respect they have for their audience.  I would bet they only see us as bleating sheep with wallets.  I will not see this garbage.  Dave probably will, and I hope he dumps all over it.

Jason

Ugh.  I’m afraid this is going to be another review that makes me look and feel stupid.  You see, if I were the type to use analogies in my reviews I might say a movie is like an engine.  In most cases of mainstream Hollywood movies the engine is a simple and crude coal burning one piston steam engine.  Low energy output, prone to breakdowns, and they create a lot of smelly smoke and pollution.  By comparison, a movie like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is a nuclear power plant, creating abundant energy at high output with a minimum of moving parts and a complexity that could be considered beautiful to a technophile.  If I were to beat my analogy further into the ground, I could say that, while I understand the principles behind a simple steam engine (and, to be honest, if I were sufficiently motivated I could probably build one that would either work or blow up horribly) the complexities of a nuclear power plant are far beyond my ken.

Thus we come to Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.  It is a beautiful movie, amazingly shot and well crafted, but so complicated and convoluted that I kept losing track of what the hell was going on.  Characters kept appearing, adding a little more complexity, and then vanishing back into the fold.  It didn’t help much that, to a man (and in one case, woman) almost all the characters looked like they had all been pressed out of the same Playdoh mold using slight variations in the color white.  Honestly, they all looked like they had been dredged up out of a river.  Keeping track of any one character was like trying to watch a specific tuna in a huge school.  Even the main character, the great Gary Oldman (Commissioner Gordan from Batman Begins and the Dark Knight) I kept getting confused with John Hurt (Alien, V for Vendetta, Hellboy).

It seems pretty obvious to me that this is a movie adaptation of a wonderfully complex spy thriller book, but suffered from a lack of screen time to deliver the story.  Ironically, there was also a lot of time spent on stuff that could be considered at best insignificant.  Honestly, if they had dropped the five minutes exploring the romance between one spy and a hot Russian defector (all of which could have been delivered using about two lines of expository dialog) and used that time to further explore the relationship between two of the other spies I might have not been scratching my head so much on the way out.  As this is a mystery (of sorts) I really don’t want to go into it too much as it might blow part of the ending, but if I had had a better understanding of what was going on between them I might have been able to figure out the motivation that seemed to be lacking.

That being said, the film is really well done.  The costuming and lighting scream Cold War Era.  The acting was good for what was needed (it’s not that tough to play an emotionless, acerbic anti-socialite, which is pretty much what the entire cast was composed of).  However, in a weird twist this really complicated story described as a spy mystery had little to do with mystery at all.  The puzzle, when solved, seems to be from the most mundane maneuvers possible.  The movie could easily have been about discovering the source of an accounting discrepancy in a huge British bureaucracy, which is effectively what this was about.  While there were definitive plot points that were critical to the story, the pacing between plot points dragged on and on.  It was like traveling from oasis to oasis through a bleak desert.  I wasn’t looking for car chases and gun fights, but a little more focus on the characters and/or motivations would have been well received.

Like I said, I won’t get too deep into the story as I don’t want to spoil anything.  Gary Oldman is Smiley, an aged spy pulled out of retirement to discover who a mole is in the British intelligence community during the Cold War.  He is aided by Peter Guillam (Benedict Cumberbatch-Sherlock Holmes (the new, really good BBC one, which I highly recommend), War Horse, the Other Boleyn Girl) and some other old guy who barely registered.  He is at odds with most of his suspects, mainly because he was part of the old guard that the current heads swept away.  Some detective work happens, although not as much as you would expect, and a lot of seemingly pointless flashbacks surface and more or less pad out the run time without contributing a lot. (Russian Spy image courtesy of the Political T Shirt category)

The stars.  Gary Oldman.  One star.  Very complicated story.  Two stars.  For all that the movie was almost entirely shot indoors, there were some amazing camera angles and shots, very different from modern movie production.  One stars.  Acting was very good.  One star.  The director did a great job making you feel like you were in the 70′s in London.  One star.  If his intention was to show you what it would be like to grind through a massive, Brazil-esque bureaucracy than my hat’s off to him, for he totally succeeded.  One star.  Overall well done.  One star.  Total: eight stars.

The black holes.  My head hurt from trying to keep up with what was going on and I left the theater totally confused.  Sure, call me a moron but this is my blog so one black hole.  The pacing at multiple points felt like trying feed a bike chain through a hand cranked meat grinder.  One black hole.  No real attempt to explain what anyone’s motivations really were.  One black hole.  For most of the movie nothing really happened, and when it did it had all the emotional impact of a minor breaking of wind.  Even the final dramatic scene was delivered like a mechanic changing your oil.  Deadpan and emotionless don’t even begin to describe this film.  One black hole.  A complicated mystery that was solved using techniques from the Scooby Doo school of detective work.  One black hole.  Did I mention confusing?  I guess I did.  Five black holes total.

So a total of three stars.  Not great, and not what I would expect based on the quality of this film and what I heard about it.  Once again I am at odds with the greater movie reviewing industry, but I won’t lie just to look like everyone else (in fact, that sounds like exactly the wrong reason to lie about anything).  I found the movie plodish and confusing.  If you are of a higher intellect you might get more out of this (or, if you like to pretend you are of a higher intellect, go see it and tell everyone else how great the film is.  That way they will all assume you are some kind of super genius).  There is nothing on the screen that really requires a theater.  Not only do I recommend you wait until it comes out on DVD, but if you really want to enjoy and understand it odds are you should buy the film and watch it every night for a week or so.  Date movie?  Hell no.  She will be bored stupid and will want to get as far away from you as possible.  On the other hand, with the possible exception of Benedict Cumberbatch everyone in this movie is to good looks what Cheez Whiz is to fine dining, so you might gain some points by comparison.  I wouldn’t take the chance.

More end of the year stuff tomorrow, I think.  Kind of dry for new movies right now unless I want Bollywood, and I am Singh kind of burned that out of me.  I might have to go off on other tangents once the awards posts are done.  Maybe finish off that Star Trek rant I had going.  Thanks for reading.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

So something came up and I didn’t see a movie last night.  I don’t really have anything on deck right now, and thought I might share some thoughts I have had recently regarding our current economic situation.

I normally don’t get political, but like most Americans have been worried about what we are doing with our economy and do believe that if you don’t do what you can to fix a situation than you deserve the results.  I am also not any kind of expert in economics or politics, but I work alone, and therefore have a lot of time to think.  I have come up with a plan that I believe has the duel benefit of helping people in our struggling economy and helping companies as well, thus resulting in an idea that should appeal to both sides of the political water, if for different reasons. (Ben Franklin image courtesy of the Political T Shirt category).

The problem we have had with the stimulus money is that (obviously) it went to people who don’t actually stimulate anything.  Banks are not exactly lining up on my site to buy t-shirts, and as they keep sending jobs overseas it really doesn’t do much at all.  Sure, some decent construction jobs were handed out, but the problem is those are all temporary situations.  Eventually the bridge will get finished and all those guys will be out of work again.

What we need is stimulus into jobs where Americans actually manufacture stuff and then that stuff gets sold to other Americans.  Sure, we tried that with cars by bailing out some incompetent care manufacturers, but no one I know is looking to buy a new car.  The jobs we need are the ones that make all the little widgets that are current being mass produced overseas, mostly in China.  Electronics, consumer goods, novelty items; you name it, our country used to make it and the companies making them made a profit.  Why don’t we still do these sorts of things?  Well, the obvious answers are corporate greed in an increasingly competitive market.  However, the underlying reason is cost of labor.  Americans just cost too much to hire and pay.  As a country our workforce has priced themselves out of the job market and are therefore now unemployed.

So what is the answer?  Glad you asked.  What I would do if I were president and Congress (or had some kind of mind control device) is I would create a program called the General Labor Pool.  Similar in theory to the labor programs started by President Roosevelt during the other Depression, the difference would be that anyone on unemployment insurance would actually be enrolled in this program and be required to report for work for however many hours a week was deemed appropriate.  Not a full 40, as this would allow them time to look for work.  But instead of sweeping up public buildings and the like, the people in the General Labor Pool would be hired out to private companies at significant labor discounts.

You see, instead of paying the unemployment insurance to the individual people, the money would be sent to any company hiring them to offset the cost of their wages.  This idea has many benefits.

1.  The companies participating would get a ready pool of employees at rates that would make it economically feasible to manufacture (or phone support, etc) here in the US rather than overseas.  Furthermore, as labor is usually the number one cost to most companies this would give them the ability and incentive to actually grow and hire even more (previously unemployed) people.

2.  The formally unemployed people would actually be making more money than they would be while unemployed, allowing them to buy things like shoes and clothes, thus supporting floundering retail business in local communities, and thus allowing those retailers to hire more people and place orders for more goods, hopefully manufactured by other recently rehired Americans.

3.  People would be working, and not sitting around getting depressed and watching TV.

4.  Since we are paying unemployment insurance anyway, it really doesn’t cost us anything.  It’s more like a job placement fee.

Once the unemployment runs out there might have to be some kind of other incentive to keep people employed.  However, if the company let go of the people every three months and hired more people from the same company, would that be so bad?  Working for three months is not a bad deal, and odds are there will be another company looking to hire that same person through the same program.

Look, I’m probably some kind of idiot and there are probably 100 reasons why this plan won’t work, but to be honest I don’t really see any of them.  It all seems pretty obvious to me.  It helps the working person, so Democrats should be happy.  It helps companies, so Republicans should be happy.  If you can think of a reason why it wouldn’t work feel free to post a reply here.  If you can think of a reason it would work do the same, and maybe write your Congressman.

Thanks for reading my plan.  I promise tomorrow I will be back on the humorous movie reviews, with a full frontal charge at the newest Twilight movie.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

Luc Besson sequels the Professional by making Kill Bill.

OK, I was sold on this movie by the trailer.  I guess I am a sucker for slick media campaigns (by the way, have you seen the new Slim Jim commercials?  I have been eating those things by the bushel).  As I gain experience in the movie review world I am learning to watch out for certain things, and movies that are released in late August generally seem to be the wimpy kids that are picked last for softball in grade school (something I know a good amount about).  Was this movie bad?  Not especially.  Was it good?  Not especially.  It had some good elements, but overall seemed a little confused and disjointed.  I think “meh” best describes it.

After seeing the movie last night I was kind of perplexed as to the origin and did a little research.  Apparently this was supposed to be the sequel to the Professional and Luc wrote it with adult Natalie Portman in mind.  After she passed he rewrote it with a South American back story stapled to the front end and ran with it.  It did star another unrequited love of my life, Zoe Saldana, which was a big plus (I fell in love with her as a big blue alien in Avatar.  Yes, I am one of those guys).

What is the real problem with this film?  Well, it has several, including the fact that Luc Besson was “inspired” by about 2o different movies, but the real issue with this film can be summed up in one rating: PG-13.  This movie really should have gone hard core for an R rating, and not just so I could see some gratuitous nudity on the screen.  The combat seemed tame and disconnected, which aggravated the incredulity the audience has to constantly fight when watching a 90 pound girl beat the hell out of dozens of fully grown and extremely well armed men (sorry, ladies.  I am sure there are any number of martial arts trained women out there who could beat the hell out of me.  I just have a hard time believing Zoe Saldana has the upper body strength to pull herself out of a wrestling hold with a dude.  Hate me if you have to).  I’m not saying I can’t suspend my disbelief enough to make it work.  I’m just saying in order for me to believe it I actually need to see the violence and gore in a realistic, R rated manner.  Also, a little gratuitous nudity would not have hurt.

By the way, I thought at first Colombiana was the female form of Colombian in Spanish, but a little research shows that it is actually a term for black people living in Colombia.  Not the most racially sensitive term I have heard used for a movie title, and I am reasonably sure a little research might show it is kind of derogatory.  Not that Luc Besson is known for being PC.

Anyway, the movie.  A young Colombian girl (Amandla Stenberg) has her parents killed in some kind of drug deal gone bad.  She has some kind of data chip (this is 1992.  Were they making mini disks the size of dimes back then?) her father gave her that has details of the bad guy’s never defined business.  We see yet ANOTHER parkour chase scene through a South American hillside city slum (it really, really, really looks like Rio de Janeiro, in spite of the fact that is is supposed to be in Colombia) where an eight year old girl managed to give about 20 armed men the slip and also has the strength to lift a manhole cover from the inside (I know this is petty, but I am going to give them a black hole for this.  I happen to know from personal experience that manhole covers start at 300 pounds and go up from there, and are really hard for a grown man to lift from the inside (please don’t ask me how I know this).  This little girl lifts one like it was made of Styrofoam (it probably was).  Can movie makers not respect their audience on any level, please?).  Anyway, she uses the disk to get a ticket to American from the CIA, where she gives her handler the slip and travels to Chicago to hook up with her uncle, who in a blatant example of bad parenting decisions agrees to train her as an assassin.  Skip forward 15 years and she is now a professional killer who uses her sex appeal, appearance, and lithe form to get into places others can’t.  She is on a personal revenge kick after the Don who killed her parents, but does contract jobs for her uncle (he is also some kind of ill defined crime lord.  How do these people make money, besides from murder for hire?).  Somehow he is cool with her killing for money from all of his clients but freaks out when he finds out she is killing the people who killed her family (see what I mean about disjointed).

Anyway, a bunch of minor characters and sub plots, including an FBI investigation and some kind of CIA cover up, are introduced and go nowhere.  Soft core explosive hijinks ensues.  Henchmen die in droves.  The part time love interest manages to completely screw up the girl’s life and more or less is forgiven in spite of directly causing the deaths of pretty much all of her friends and relatives.  Other movies are blatantly plagiarized.  More stuff blows up.  The end.

The stars.  Zoe Saldana, and while it was a PG-13 the director (Olivier Megaton???  No joke, he took this name because he was born on the 20th anniversary of atomic bombing of Hiroshima.  What an a-hole.  I wonder if he knows Megatron.  Rising Sun image courtesy of the political t shirts category) took every single opportunity to show as much kid safe skin as possible.  A scene doesn’t go by without Zoe running around in panties and bra, or skin tight body suit.  Let’s just say wherever they were shooting this flick must have been cold.  One star.  One thing Luc Besson can do is write action scenes, even if they are really derivative of a bunch of other movies and a little hard to believe.  One star.  Revenge movie.  One star.  Somewhat exciting.  One star.  Lots of guns and explosives.  One star.  The opening hit, where she has to sneak into the Bakersfield police station (I’ve been to Bakersfield many times, and the police there are far less incompetent than this film makes them out to be.  They also have a reputation in the Central Valley as being quick on the trigger, so take it from me, don’t mess with them) is actually really cool in a sneaky crime sort of way.  One star.  Filming was reasonably competent, and the running chase scene from early on (as lame is it was from a logical point of view) was well executed.  One star.  Total: seven stars.

Now the black holes.  PG-13 when it should have been R.  One black hole.  Acting start to finish was flat and uninspired.  One black hole.  Little girl lifting manhole cover.  One black hole.  Subplots and minor characters that add nothing and go nowhere.  One black hole.  A really dumb scene where the little girl’s uncle pulls a gun out and shoots up a passing random car on a busy street in order to make a point to the girl, then sits there for about half an hour lecturing her before walking away with no consequences whatsoever (pretty much a rip off of the scene of Natalie Portman shooting out the window in the Professional, although I can’t call it plagiarism as Luc Besson wrote that too.  I guess he really likes his own writing).  One black hole.  Every time they added a scene where they tried to inject some kind of emotion it was awkward and too brief and simplistic.  Basically brought whatever momentum the movie had a that point to a crashing halt.  One black hole.  For someone who has worked for 15 years to kill a specific man, the girl kind of left his final death in the hands of fate.  No real backup plan for any of her hijinks, but I guess that is typical Luc Besson.  One black hole.  While the gun fight scenes were pretty well shot and reasonably coherent, the one really big melee fight scene devolved into a million 1-1.5 second edits.  I hate that fight scene style.  Gives me a headache and no idea of who is doing what to whom.  It pretty much says either the fight coordinator sucked (or didn’t exist) or the actors involved lacked the basic martial arts skills to reasonably execute more than one punch or kick in a row.  One black hole.  Story was overly complicated in a dumb way.  A complicated story is good if the complications enhance the story and add depth.  This was just complicated for complications sake, and really dragged down the story.  One black hole.  Total: eight black holes.

In the irksome category, I have some issues with the father.  If you are going to confront your crime boss and you think there is a reasonable chance he will want to kill you and your whole family, would you not take the precaution of maybe having your wife and daughter somewhere other than where the bad guy knows they are?  I’m just saying.  If you are planning on leaving the country anyway (this was implied) and are about to have it out with the big man, maybe have your daughter and wife on a flight that leaves an hour before your meeting.  Also, if time is a factor maybe tell your daughter how much you love her and give her the family medallion in the car while you are bugging the hell out of town, not while the bad guys are incoming.  You know, just thinking out loud here.  Also, they painted every American law enforcement person as kind of cowardly when confronted with a hot chick who threatens their family and life.  It must be a French thing (Megat(r)on is French too) to try to constantly show Americans as incompetent, corrupt, and cowardly.  Seems I can remember a certain European country surrendering pretty damn quick during a big war a few decades ago.  Also, didn’t you get your butts kicked by Mexico on the 5th of May?  I’m just saying.

I really didn’t want to see this movie end up in the black hole region, but try as I might I couldn’t find another star to give them.  Even a couple of the ones I gave them smacked of pity stars.  I like Zoe Saldana a lot and want to see her succeed, and feel gratitude for Luc Besson for the Professional (Taken  wasn’t bad, either) and would like to see him do well, but I can’t really find another good thing about this movie.  It’s not really bad, and you can get some excitement from it.  Some of the action sequences are pretty good, although the best scenes are of Zoe sneaking around Splinter Cell style.  It just doesn’t coalesce into a really good film.  See it if you are really into Zoe and/or Luc Besson, but maybe wait until NetFlix.

Yes, I’m back on the movie kick.  I had planned to see Furious Five in hopes it would both suck and blow, but turns out it’s insanely popular and sold out.  The only thing out there I thought even worth considering was Water for Elephants, which appeared to be a movie about water and elephants (there’s a circus in there somewhere too).

I was surprised, as I knew it was based on a book everyone tells me was amazing and I expected the movie to turn into one of my boring “the movie was decent” reviews that I might not even write up the next day.  The surprise was not that it wasn’t great or even that it wasn’t bad but that it was painfully bland.  Throughout the course of the movie I wasn’t motivated to leave the theater but if the film had broke or aliens broke in from another dimension forcing us to flee the cinema I don’t think I would have been really at all upset.  It was kind of like flipping playing cards into an open hat; you gain nothing from doing it, and even if you get skilled enough to hit it 100% no one on the planet will be even remotely impressed.

I was also surprised in that it has been a while since I saw a movie that was such a blatant rip off of another, more successful movie.  The movie in question was James Cameron’s Titanic.  Does any of this sound familiar?  An elderly person finds an excuse to tell a story from the first part of the last century about a star crossed romance between a lower class pretty boy and the married (or engaged.  My Titanic knowledge is somewhat limited) wife of a complete jerk on a vehicle that is headed to a disaster of some kind.  The only difference between the two movies really is James Cameron had the integrity to let the movie end on a down note, while Water for Elephants drew it’s inspiration from the Disney school of movie writing.

Anyway, the story.  SPOILER ALERT:  I will probably give away more details of this film than usual for this one, but in a very real sense I am giving away nothing as the story is as predictable as watching a digital clock advance.  Trust me when I say there are absolutely no surprises in store for you.  Anyway, an old man is found wandering around a circus and finds the flimsiest pretext to tell the manager the story of how he joined the circus back in 1931.  Pretty boy, national spokesman for eyebrow growth, and perennial bad actor Robert Pattinson plays a character ironically (or stupidly) named Jacob who, while starting his absolute, final exam at Cornell to become a veterinarian and have a good life and career, is pulled out to be told his parents, whom he had just seen like 10 minutes ago, were killed in a car wreck, leaving him destitute and homeless during the Great Depression.  He finds his father bankrupted the family paying for his education and then, instead of going back to Cornell and getting the piece of paper that would get him a life, decides to see what being a hobo (that’s an old fashioned word for being homeless) was like.  He jumps a train that happens to have a circus on it.  After dealing with some local color he is hired by the owner, played by the awesome Christoph Waltz (Inglorious Basterds) to be the circus veterinarian.

Waltz’s policy, apparently in order to avoid the hassle of dealing with unemployment claims, was to toss men he wanted to fire off the train while it was moving.  No joke.  During one night he tosses nine guys off.  You would think the trail of bodies would eventually lead some kind of authority to the circus, but it looked like the police were far more motivated to enforce Prohibition laws.  Anyway, just an aside.

Jacob meets the wife of the circus owner (played by Reese Witherspoon) and, during the course of the movie, proceeds to fall in love with her in one of the worst on screen romances I have ever seen.  Seriously, there was much better chemisty between Reese and Christoph at the start of the movie (possibly because Christoph can act).  The romance between Reese and Pattinson looked as natural and real as a little girl making her Ken and Barbie dolls kiss.

Anyway, Waltz buys an elephant named Rosie, who is easily the most appealing character in the whole film.  Jacob is given the job of training her, which August, Watlz’s character, seems to think can only be done by beating the hell out of her in a couple scenes that will make you want to vomit if you have any love of animals.  Jacob, in yet another phases-of-the-moon-like predictable scene tries love which, low and behold, works.  Actually, it works when he discovers Rosie apparently only responds to commands given in Polish (???).  I guess there was some kind of connection between Polish speakers and elephant training.  Also I guess elephants can’t be retrained to listen to commands in any other language once they learned one.  Not known for their memories, apparently.

Oh, god.  I just did a little research to see if August was at all a common male name in America and have discovered that the most common baby name for boys in 2009 was Jacob.  Some days I hate America.  Twilight sucks.

Anyway, circus hijinx ensue.  Guys get tossed off trains.  Love finds it’s awkward way onto the screen in spite of Reese and Roberts attempt to convince you that they both reproduce asexually.  A million minor characters are added for color and then disappear like flatulence on a windy night.  The big disaster alluded to at the beginning of the movie strikes, leaving the star crossed love birds free to pursue their dreams of a tepid marriage.  Jacob finally does what he should have done in the first five minutes and gets his veterinary degree and a career.  I won’t give it totally away, but the final conclusion is so insipid and dumb that the movie would not have at all been damaged if alien invaders had landed and probed all the main characters (in fact, it would have been dramatically improved).

First the stars.  Watching the HBO show Carnivale has given me a liking of circus themes.  One star.  Christoph Waltz.  Two stars.  Rosie the elephant.  One star.  The depression era scenery and clothing were all pretty good.  One star.  Reese Witherspoon is hot.  One star.  The filming and pacing were decent.  One star (can you tell I”m reaching here?).  Total: six stars.

Now the black holes.  Jacob doesn’t get his degree like a moron.  One black hole.  Romantic chemistry similar to mixing two glasses of tap water together.  Two black holes.  There is no established motivation for anyone to do anything, especially August to not chuck Jacob off the train first thing.  One black hole.  A lot of effort is spent trying to establish that the circus performers and roustabouts are all one big family, right before August tosses a bunch of them off the train.  One black hole for discontinuity.  Titanic rip off.  One black hole.  I should give one black hole for every seemingly interesting supporting character who disappeared after two lines, but will restrain myself.  Two black holes.  The plot device of firing people by tossing them off the train when simply saying “You’re fired ” (Trump) would have sufficed really bugged me.  One black hole.  Animal cruelty, even in cinema, really puts me off my feed.  One black hole.  There was a distinct lack of grime and despair that one normally associated with Depression era films (see Carnivale if you haven’t).  One black hole.  Total: 11 black holes.

Grand total of five black holes.  Not great.  Not even worth seeing in a theatre (I Hate Theatre image courtesy of the funny political t shirts category).  Honestly, if you have two hours of you life with nothing better to do watch it on NetFlix streaming.  Your mom would probably like it, so if you are looking for something to do with her that won’t cause your brain to shrivel up too much, take her to a matinee.

Incidentally, it does give me a warm feeling to help contribute another nail in the coffin of Robert Pattinson’s career (Twilight sucks), although that wasn’t my intent when I saw the movie.  I just wish I didn’t also have to hurt Christoph Waltz’s in order to do it.

Before I get into this, my apologies for not posting more frequently.  I had yet another show to do this last weekend, and while it taught me some good lessons (mostly about approaching shows in Southern California with more caution) they always turn into a ton of extra work.  I am still folding shirts.  Also I have a couple huge new projects to work on.

However, I don’t like to make excuses and will endeavor to post more often.  I think I am going to see the new Fast and Furious movie tonight, which should turn into movie review gold tomorrow if it sucks like I expect.  Of course I heard on the Howard Stern Show that it grossed a ton over the weekend, so it might end up being disappointingly good.

It seems appropriate to comment on the long awaited death of Usama Bin Laden, evil mastermind behind the 9/11 tragedy.  It’s funny, because I am by nature more drawn to the evil villains in movies and comic books.  I sometimes imagine myself to be an evil genius bent on world domination.  However, while this is all well and good in the wonderful world of fantasy, it is rare that we run into someone who can truly be called evil in real life.

Make no mistake.  Usama Bin Laden was a scumbag of the highest order.  He killed thousands of innocent men, women, and even children to promote an agenda that for the most part none of us had ever heard of or for that matter gave a crap about.  Hitler was evil, but he had the decency to direct his evil at obvious targets (I am not in any way endorsing anything Hitler did.  Just pointing out that he did not resort to random attacks on people who he had not clearly identified as his enemies.  He sucks too).  I had never even heard of al Queda before 9/11, nor had I or any of the people in the World Trade Center been guilty of any of the offenses they claimed to be fighting against.

It should also be noted that he was also a cowardly hypocrite.  He sent other guys on suicide missions while he sat happy in his Pakistani mansion.  He kept innocent women on his property as a human shield and when finally faced with his just reward used one to protect his worthless ass.

I think it fair to say that, while I am extremely proud to be an American, I don’t drip with patriotic mucus.  I have been know to distrust our government and question the directions we have been taking.  However, when I heard about Bin Laden yesterday (thank you to the lovely Katie for the text) I felt so wonderful to be an American.  It was like a huge weight had been lifted from the sky and all of a sudden all sorts of things seemed possible.  I went out to dinner last night and everyone I saw seemed more upbeat.  Kudos to the Navy Seals who put paid to that bastard, as well as the rest of the US Armed forces and President Obama for a job well done.  I give you all bonus props for shifting all the media focus off the incredibly boring royal wedding.  Thank you.

(Game Over image courtesy of the political t shirt category)

Still more totally fun dates that involve moving somewhat.

Dancing-most women love dancing in some form or another.  Also, it is one of the few of these where it is not only OK but actually most likely preferable if you get totally wasted before and/or during said activities.  However, it is also a punji stick line tiger trap that will make you look like a total tool if you don’t know what you are doing, which most likely you don’t.  My advice is to go back and read all the posts I did on nerd dancing, practice in front of a mirror, and then take her bowling.

Trampoline-believe it or not, but this is totally fun.  A few weeks ago a friend of mine threw a birthday party for adults and as part of it we went to this indoor trampoline facility and played nation ball.  It was a blast.  Trampolines are really fun, and it is one area where any excess body mass you may have will actually work to your advantage, as it will propel you higher into the air.  The best part about trampolines is it is one of those things that can make you look really athletic, in spite of being heinously out of shape.  No matter how long it has been since you went to the gym, you will look like an Olympian when you are bouncing eight feet into the air.  Just don’t hurt yourself.

Swimming-whether this is a good idea or not is a judgment call.  I think I have composed an elegant equation to figure it out.  Here it is.  Rate the following on a 1-10 scale, with 10 being best/worst.  F=how badly our body looks.  D=how likely you are to drown or be eaten by something.  W=how white your skin is and how badly you will burn.  G=how good a swimmer you really are.  B=how badly you want to see your girl in a bathing suit.  Here is the equation:

X=(G*B)/(F+D+W)

If X is significantly over a 1.0 than it is most likely a good idea.  If it hovers around 1.0 than I would hesitate. If it is significantly under a 1.0 than I would bail.  Personally I don’t like swimming in water that I can’t see through, so that means I am stuck with pools, which will reduce my score for dying but will increase my F score, as you can look better in murky water.  As with everything, it pays to do some research.

Organized sports-when I say this in my mind it is with a rising inflection, turning it into “Organized sports?”  That being said, if you have some friends into it fun can be had playing volleyball, or softball.  Something along those lines.  Tennis is OK too.  Stay away from football and rugby, as odds are she will hate it (and you will die).  One nice side benefit of volleyball is you can possibly get your date to wear a bikini top without having to get in the water yourself, so bonus.

I’m starting to run out of ideas, so I will let this topic rest for now.  I have a couple ideas of new stuff to talk about, plus I should be seeing something good and/or bad at a theater soon.

So yesterday’s question of Renaissance inventor/artist Leonardo de Vinci versus eclectic dope fiend and horn dog Ben Franklin, I think I am going to have to give it to Benjamin, based on time era alone.  The problem is Ben Franklin had guns, which would have put the hurt on Leonardo regardless of whatever inventions he had with him.  It takes more than a corkscrew helicopter to stop an ounce of lead.  (Ben Franklin image courtesy of the political t shirt category).

I don’t have any brilliant who-would-win questions in me right now, as it is Easter and I have worked all day.  Tomorrow I am going to rant about WOW a little, so look forward to that.  Have a great day.

So if you are still reading after yesterdays post I can assume you aren’t frightened by the idea of being outside and generating a sweat.  Here are some more idea for good date stuff that involves something more active than flicking the TV remote.

Skiing or snowboarding – if you are fortunate enough to be close enough to  ski resort to do a one day trip to the mountain (or, as we used to call it, a burrito run) this can be a great date.  It’s outdoors in some beautiful scenery, you get to rest on the lift between runs, its cold which can motivate her to snuggle up, and getting hurt snowboarding or skiing can look pretty studly, as long as you don’t do it while trying to get off the ski lift.  Also, unless she is an expert skier at some point halfway through the day she will probably jump at your suggestion to get some hot chocolate and sit in the lodge for a couple hours.  Skiing is one of those things everyone has to claim to love, but after five or six runs the average person is happy to sit watching other people be cold while looking cool in their ski clothes.

By the way, this should be pretty obvious, but don’t suggest this unless you actually know how to ski or snowboard.  Nothing will make you look like more of a eunuch like flailing down the bunny slope.  You need to make sure you are both at about the same skill level or you are better than her (being her teacher for the day can really make you look good).

Those dumb paddle boats – yes, the are stupid.  But did you ever wonder how they stay in business?  It’s because they make for great dates.  You are out on the water (all two feet of it, usually) by yourself with your girl and having fun.  It will usually be relatively quiet, and there will be ducks, frogs, and other local fauna to distract her.

As a side benefit, your (hopefully) superior musculature and body weight will more or less mean you can keep your half of the boat moving while doing about 1/3 the work.  If you feel at all guilty about that just remember that odds are sometime in the next couple months she will be asking you to move a couch or something.  Also, don’t forget that “mauled by a mountain lion saving her” thing from my hiking entry.

Bowling – yes, unless you are on the PBA you will probably suck at this, but as goofy as it is, it is fun and entertaining.  This is another activity that everyone claims to love to do, but once faced with the reality of actually doing it are willing to hang it up after about two games.  Be sure to practice your moon walk while on the floor with the shoes.

Ice or roller skating – ironically, this is one activity where it is actually OK to be much worse than your date at.  Flailing aimlessly around on the ice while she does triple axles is in a weird way endearing and cute.  You will not lose any credibility with her even if you fall on your ass.  There is a good chance she will even admire your courage and willingness to try something outside your box.  On the other hand, if you are great at it you will burn a ton of calories and look cool.  There is not a way to lose here, unless you get hurt (not as cool as getting hurt snowboarding).

That’s it for today.  More tomorrow.

For our who would win question, the Punisher versus Fidel Castro, I am going a assume Frank Castle either got co-opted by the CIA or discovered Castro was involved in the drug trade somehow.  On the one hand, the Punisher is an expert in all forms of mayhem, and with enough planning could probably make something happen.  On the other hand, by all reports Castro has survived any number of CIA or NSA attempts on his life.  I honestly don’t really know, but I am inclined to go with the Punisher just because I like him better. (Castro image courtesy of the political t shirt category)

For today let’s go historical inventors.  Who would win, Ben Franklin versus Leonardo da Vinci?

I have been on quite the positive roll lately, in my humble opinion, with some really good posts about online dating and movie reviews, most of which I am very happy with.  However, today I feel the need to purge myself of some negative energy and so turn to my blog for the purpose that blogs were originally conceived; an old fashioned nerd rant.  I figured I could get into my like/hate relationship with Pandora.

I, like most reasonably up to date (I refuse to use the word hip) adults listen to Pandora for music on my computer or iPhone.  For those of you not familiar with it, Pandora is a free internet radio that allows you to pick genres of music and then either thumbs up and thumbs down on specific songs, theoretically giving you the ability to only listen to the music you want to.

“Wait a minute, Dave!” I can hear you saying.  “If it’s a free service how can you then justify bitching about it?  Isn’t that kind of ungrateful?” Well, yes it would be if Pandora were truly free.  It is, however,  actually a commercial endeavor in the most literal sense possible as they literally play commercials like old fashioned radio.  Not only that, but they don’t play a variety of commercials.  That would prevent them from driving their sponsors message into your brain like a railroad spike made of frozen nitrogen.  Instead, what they do is get a single commercial and play it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.  It is enough to make you want to throw whatever poor device is broadcasting it into the nearest sewer.  Therefore, since I am paying them for the service in brain cells I feel I have the right to point out their major flaws.

It’s not the repetitive commercials that has my boxers in a bunch.  I run a commercial web site and understand the needs of everyone to get paid.  What is rubbing me like a sandpaper bicycle seat is the algorithm they use to select the music they subject you to.

You see, you start a station by seeding it with a few of your favorite bands.  They then play those bands and other bands they feel you would like, kind of like how Amazon tells you stuff like “People who bought Sarah Palin’s book also enjoyed See Spot Run.”  Sounds good in theory, and upon occasion they manage to come up with a new band or song that I quite enjoy.

The thing is, if any of you have read more than a few of my blogs you should have realized by now that I am a contrarian (yes, that is a legitimate word and correctly spelled.  Microsoft, you also suck) by nature and tend to respond negatively to most forms of peer pressure to the point that if someone said to me “Dave, the ship is sinking!  Get on the lifeboat!  Everyone else is doing it!” I would lay even odds on my going off to try to find my own flotation device.  My musical tastes are pretty varied and tend to be more about what I don’t like than what I do, although if I had to pick a genre or two it would probably be old school or harmonic punk rock.

Therefore, I never developed a taste for “classic” rock.  Led Zeppelin sucks in my opinion, as do all their contemporaries (with the exception of a few songs by the Rolling Stones.   Paint it Black, for example).  Yet somehow Pandora has decided it is patently impossible for someone to not love Zeppelin and insists on playing it for me all the freaking time in spite of the fact that I have given it nothing but thumbs down.  Not just Led Zeppelin, but all the classic contemporaries like Pink Floyd (acid tripping losers), the Who(?), the Beatles (ever want to watch someone have an apoplectic fit?  Find a Beatles fan, look him straight in the eye, and say “The Beatles ruined rock and roll.” Not necessarily true, but always funny), the Eagles (did these guys ever have a point?), the Grateful Dead (peace, love, and smoking tons of pot), AC/DC (about as heavy as aluminum IMO), Van Halen (the Frankenstein monster of rock), the Doors (I’ve read Doors of Perception.  It sucks), Def Leoppard (oonder gleepin gloopin gropen), ZZ Top (beards!), and any number of other bands who should have never made it out of the 80′s.  I think the mistake I made was once expressing an interest in Tom Petty, who I find a great singer and has amazing lyrics.  Petty has  turned out to be patient zero for infecting my Pandora station.

The thing that really gets me is the fact that in spite of my giving them thumbs down over and over again they still keep trying.  “Hmm.  Dave has given a thumbs down on the last 18 Led Zeppelin songs we have played for him.  But you know what?  I think this 19th song, Good Times/Bad Times Live at the Hollywood Bowl, will remind him that all humans are genetically predisposed to loving this band.  It is significantly different from the studio version of Good Times/Bad Times we played for him two hours ago.” If it were me in charge, if someone gave a thumbs down on three songs by a particular band in a row, that band would be deleted from his play list in it’s entirety.

The final straw on this rant is the fact that Pandora likes to run songs in sets.  This is normally cool in that if they play a Bad Religion song for me odds are the next three or four songs will be Rancid or something similar.  The problem is they get into a classic rock set for me and once I do thumbs down on AC/DC, Def Leoppard, CCR, Buffalo Springfield, and Deep Purple all of a sudden you hit the limit of the number of songs you can skip (according to their licensing agreement.  Can anyone explain how that works?) and you are forced to listen to the Eagles Hotel California.  Either that or turn it off and write a bitch blog post about it.

Yes, I know I could just create a new station but really, that isn’t the point.  I shouldn’t have to deal with this and if they had applied a little more thought to their service the issue would be more or less self correcting.  I still use Pandora and am happy about 80% of the time.  However, that is at best a B- and if I could find a better graded service I would do it.

Anyway, sorry about the complete self indulgence of this post.  I actually feel a lot better all of a sudden.  I should have started a blog years ago.

Yesterdays post asked what would happen if Tyler Durden’s fantasy fight with Abraham Lincoln were to become a reality (understanding that the entire conversation took place in the movie Fight Club, another fantasy).  I think Tyler had a lot more fighting experience and tolerance for pain.  However, I believe Abe Lincoln was one of those never-say-die guys.  Therefore I am going to go with Lincoln on this one, but it would be long, drawn out, and bloody.  (Lincoln image courtesy of the funny political t shirts)

Since I indulged myself with my rant today I will continue to indulge myself with my who-would-win question.  This one is less about an actual fight and more about wanting to see a character I dislike intensely get gutted.  Who would win, Riker from Next Generation versus Giger’s Alien (no phaser)?

This is the last I am doing on this sub-category.  I think I will try to get a movie review or something else tomorrow to break up the flow.

Guidance Councilor. Sorry, but if a chance to bag on these guys comes along, I can’t let it go by.  I remember fondly taking an aptitude test from provided by the school councilor and being told I was best suited to be a farmer.  Sorry, I don’t do dirt if I can avoid it.  Also I am to much into instant gratification to wait a whole season for payment.  Anyway, these people are like high school teachers in that they deal with smart assed teenagers on a daily basis.  The difference is they have a lot less power than teachers over the kids in that they can’t actually fail them in anything.  This tends to make them either total dicks or floor mats.  Also every time some kid asks “If you know so much about career choices why are you a guidance councilor?” they want to kill themselves.  I’d say spare yourself the pain.

Contractor. This is a job description guys who are construction workers use in order to convince you they are more than nail pushers.  It is usually followed up by “Well, I’m working for another contractor friend of mine, but I have my own contractors license.”  They always drive a freaking huge crew cab pickup truck (most often red).  If you are into beer drinking, football watching, wife abusing hijinx than by all means date him.  There are no straight female contractors.  Incidentally, if you should happen to date one and then find out he is a roofer, run away as fast as you can.  All roofers are insane.  It must be the tar fumes and hot sun all day.  Now that I have said that I had better hope I never have to rebuild something.  Good thing I rent.

Blue collar worker. This can be almost anything, be it sanitation engineer, factory worker, bus driver, etc.  For the most part good guys, in a boring salt of the earth sort of way.  Usually they are grateful to even have someone attractive into them.  Generally not the most stimulating intellectually, although occasionally you meet one who is a total conspiracy nut whacko, and they are endlessly entertaining.

Performer. This is kind of a broad descriptive for anyone who makes money (or claims to) by entertaining people.  It could be a comedian, a street guitar performer, a childrens birthday clown, a chainsaw juggler, smoke bubble blower, or a blog writer.  With a few exceptions the best way to describe these people is kind of pathetic.  They typically make just enough money to survive but not enough to get ahead.  They feel frustration at not be acknowledged as one of the worlds foremost one man band performers, and need a girl or boyfriend to come to all their lame shows in the 3rd Street Promenade or where ever and collect the spare change from the jug you just passed around.  The decent ones have a day job at Kinkos or something.  The bad ones live on their takings.  (By the way, if you should happen to find yourself dating a mime, do me and the whole world a favor by stapling a note that says “Learn the words you creepy bastard” to his or her forehead and pushing them off a cliff so they can work on their silent flying man act.  I sincerely doubt any sane jury would convict).

Band member. Ah, the Crown Jewel of Losers.  These guys (usually.  Some girls but I find them to be a little more real) dream of a rock-n-roll lifestyle while performing for the same 9 people as the 7:30pm opening act at the local scum pit.  If you want to spend every Friday and Saturday night listening to the same eight badly written, badly engineered, and badly performed “songs” in a bar that smells of stale beer and urine than by all means date him.  Just know that if he and his band catches even the slightest whiff of success he will drop you like a live grenade in order to sleep with as many groupies as humanly possible.  Even crappy garage bands somehow manage to attract any number of (really) dumb girls willing to jump in the sack with them, so you can expect to be cheated on pretty regularly.  As for female band member, I actually went out with one and found myself spending a lot of time assuaging her massive self esteem issues and scraping her off the barroom floor about once a week.  However, as far as I know she didn’t cheat on me.  These guys inevitably have “day jobs” that somehow turn into “day careers”.  Do the human race a favor and don’t give them the opportunity to procreate.

That’s it for today, and pretty much it for the job thing.  Tomorrow I will break away from dating for a post or two but when we come back to it I will get into understanding pictures people post, or the “You can judge a book by it’s cover” article.

Yesterday’s question, Lincoln versus Reagan, is quite the puzzler.  Lincoln was taller, and actually fought a major war.  Reagan was more athletic, and invaded Grenada.  Technically he did win the Cold War, but that says nothing about his martial prowess.  I think that I will have to bet on Lincoln, unless the rumors of Reagan being the anti-Christ (Ronald Wilson Reagan, 6-6-6) are true, in which case I think he would prevail.  (Lincoln image courtesy of the funny political t shirt category)

For today I propose a battle between a great (if stupid human) warrior versus an lame superhero:  who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Beef Supreme (from Idiocracy)