So I had planned to see this opening night and pretend I was a real movie critic by coming out with a review close to the opening weekend, but it turned out my girlfriend really wanted to see it and made me wait until last night.  She is really into vampires, which is something of a mixed blessing as it sometimes lets me see great films and sometimes has me watching pretty boy vampires sparkle in the daylight while I look for a spoon to gouge my eyes out.  (Twilight sucks.  Sparkle vampire image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).

So, Priest, in 3D (not really by choice, but it was my only option).  This is not one of the great vampire movies, but it is also not eye-gougingly bad either.  It sits, like 99.9999% of the movies I have reviewed since Paul, right on average.  It’s like all of Hollywood has hitched up to the mediocrity train and is steaming towards Bland Junction.

The Priest story comes to us from a Korean graphic novel by Hyung Min-woo.  It’s good to know their geek culture encompasses something besides Starcraft.  The movie Priest, however, comes to us from the Road Warrior, Blade Runner, Dark City, Blade II, and a Fist Full of Dollars with a sprinkling of Star Wars for flavor.  It borrows unabashedly from these and about 1,000 other movies and forces them into a arguably decent rehash, or perhaps new to younger kids.

Speaking of younger kids, let me tangent off a bit here and bitch about the fact that the family in front on us had a little boy with them who was somewhere between 2 and 3 years old.  The movie was rated PG-13 for a good reason and at times drifted close to R in terms of gore and violence.  The vampires would have given me nightmares at 12, to say nothing of 2.  My dad took us all to see Orca the Killer Whale at the drive in when I was 8 and that pretty much ruined the ocean for me for the next five years.  Seems like most parents I wouldn’t trust with a pet rock, much less a child.

OK, off my parenting soap box and onto my movie reviewing soap box.  Priest is set in an alternative world (every other reviewer or whatever likes to say post-Apocalyptic, but the opening credits clearly showed both Medieval and WWI humans fighting vampire armies, so I refuse to imagine this is set in our world.  Also, our world has some terrain) that is apparently flat and featureless as a billiard ball wherein humans and vampires have fought for thousands of years and more or less destroyed the planet, except for a Blade Runner-esque steam punk city where everyone dresses like an escapee from the Great Hot Topic Massacre.  The city has for some reason purposely blocked out the sunlight, which is established as the humans only real defense against vampires (???).  Paul Bettany plays a Priest, a Catholic Church super ninja who had his Ash Wednesday cross tattooed onto his face.  His brother, who appears to be living on a farm that literally produces dust, is mortally wounded by a vampire attack and his niece is kidnapped.  Priest needs to go back out into the wilds to rescue her and kill the vampires, but the head of the church, who I will refer to as Monseigneur Stupid, decides that, in spite of the fact that vampires were not killed off completely but reside peacefully on reservations (sucking on rat blood, I guess) and he loses absolutely nothing by letting Priest go off and get himself killed, there is no way the attack could have been vampires and forbids Priest to go.  He goes anyway on his super ninja electric/solar motorcycle that can exceed 200mph on dirt and hooks up with the local sheriff who told him about the vamp attack.

Anyway, some other Priests are sent after him for no real reason except for the insult the first Priest gave unto the Church, including the new love of my life, Maggie Q.  A bad guy in Western drag named Black Hat (possibly for some article of clothing he was wearing, but I can’t be sure) is involved.  Vampire hunter hijinks ensues.  Vampires and innocent humans get killed.  Stuff blows up.  Deep dark secrets are revealed.  The fuze is lit for a sequel.

Anyway, the stars.  The animated opening credits were really cool.  One star.  In spite of the limited material handed them by the dialogue, all the main characters delivered a pretty good performance.  Paul Bettany was especially good.  One star.  The steam punk city and Gothic costumes were pretty cool.  One star.  The action sequences were decent and made sense (obviously they hired a fight choreography).  One star.  Except for the attitude of Monseigneur Stupid, the story was reasonably linear and more or less didn’t strain my brain.  One star.  The CGI was well done but not over used.  One star.  Overall the visuals were good.  One star.  Total: Seven stars.

Now the black hole.  The dialogue was limited.  One black hole.  The whole movie was extremely derivative.  One black hole.  Some of the action sequences strained my suspension of disbelief enough to give it a hernia (sorry, but no one can survive jumping off a motorcycle at 200+mph).  One black hole.  After 10 minutes in a cool, semi modern dark Gothic city, they then spent the rest of the movie in a much cheaper to shoot open flat wasteland with NO TERRAIN FEATURES WHATSOEVER.  It was like they filmed most of the movie in a giant parking lot.  One black hole.  During the course of the movie they kept hinting at some kind of character development that never surfaced.  I can’t help but feel they could have added a lot to the film by exploring deeper the relationship between Priest and Black Hat, or even Priest and the female Priest.  One black hole.  Total: five black holes.

Also, like I did in my Fast Five review, I have a few things that bugged me but really aren’t worthy of a black hole.  First off, the movie was only 88 minutes.  I don’t feel like the pacing really suffered for being short, which is why this doesn’t get them a black hole,  but if I am going to pay $10 for a movie ticket I want to feel I am getting a decent value.  Remember all that missing character development I gave you a black hole for?  Maybe sticking a few minutes of that into this movie might have made my wallet feel better.  Also, I can honestly say I feel ripped off for paying an extra $4 for 3D.  The 3D did absolutely nothing to enhance the film and was hardly noticeable, at least until my usual 3D headache started to kick in.

So, a total of 2 stars.  Not bad, not great.  If you are a fan of Blade style action see it on a big screen.  Don’t waste your money on 3D.  I think overall it’s worth seeing in a theater, as a lot of the visuals and action may suffer on a smaller screen.

That’s it.  I have an idea for something funny for tomorrow so check back.  Have a great day.

Yes, I’m back on the movie kick.  I had planned to see Furious Five in hopes it would both suck and blow, but turns out it’s insanely popular and sold out.  The only thing out there I thought even worth considering was Water for Elephants, which appeared to be a movie about water and elephants (there’s a circus in there somewhere too).

I was surprised, as I knew it was based on a book everyone tells me was amazing and I expected the movie to turn into one of my boring “the movie was decent” reviews that I might not even write up the next day.  The surprise was not that it wasn’t great or even that it wasn’t bad but that it was painfully bland.  Throughout the course of the movie I wasn’t motivated to leave the theater but if the film had broke or aliens broke in from another dimension forcing us to flee the cinema I don’t think I would have been really at all upset.  It was kind of like flipping playing cards into an open hat; you gain nothing from doing it, and even if you get skilled enough to hit it 100% no one on the planet will be even remotely impressed.

I was also surprised in that it has been a while since I saw a movie that was such a blatant rip off of another, more successful movie.  The movie in question was James Cameron’s Titanic.  Does any of this sound familiar?  An elderly person finds an excuse to tell a story from the first part of the last century about a star crossed romance between a lower class pretty boy and the married (or engaged.  My Titanic knowledge is somewhat limited) wife of a complete jerk on a vehicle that is headed to a disaster of some kind.  The only difference between the two movies really is James Cameron had the integrity to let the movie end on a down note, while Water for Elephants drew it’s inspiration from the Disney school of movie writing.

Anyway, the story.  SPOILER ALERT:  I will probably give away more details of this film than usual for this one, but in a very real sense I am giving away nothing as the story is as predictable as watching a digital clock advance.  Trust me when I say there are absolutely no surprises in store for you.  Anyway, an old man is found wandering around a circus and finds the flimsiest pretext to tell the manager the story of how he joined the circus back in 1931.  Pretty boy, national spokesman for eyebrow growth, and perennial bad actor Robert Pattinson plays a character ironically (or stupidly) named Jacob who, while starting his absolute, final exam at Cornell to become a veterinarian and have a good life and career, is pulled out to be told his parents, whom he had just seen like 10 minutes ago, were killed in a car wreck, leaving him destitute and homeless during the Great Depression.  He finds his father bankrupted the family paying for his education and then, instead of going back to Cornell and getting the piece of paper that would get him a life, decides to see what being a hobo (that’s an old fashioned word for being homeless) was like.  He jumps a train that happens to have a circus on it.  After dealing with some local color he is hired by the owner, played by the awesome Christoph Waltz (Inglorious Basterds) to be the circus veterinarian.

Waltz’s policy, apparently in order to avoid the hassle of dealing with unemployment claims, was to toss men he wanted to fire off the train while it was moving.  No joke.  During one night he tosses nine guys off.  You would think the trail of bodies would eventually lead some kind of authority to the circus, but it looked like the police were far more motivated to enforce Prohibition laws.  Anyway, just an aside.

Jacob meets the wife of the circus owner (played by Reese Witherspoon) and, during the course of the movie, proceeds to fall in love with her in one of the worst on screen romances I have ever seen.  Seriously, there was much better chemisty between Reese and Christoph at the start of the movie (possibly because Christoph can act).  The romance between Reese and Pattinson looked as natural and real as a little girl making her Ken and Barbie dolls kiss.

Anyway, Waltz buys an elephant named Rosie, who is easily the most appealing character in the whole film.  Jacob is given the job of training her, which August, Watlz’s character, seems to think can only be done by beating the hell out of her in a couple scenes that will make you want to vomit if you have any love of animals.  Jacob, in yet another phases-of-the-moon-like predictable scene tries love which, low and behold, works.  Actually, it works when he discovers Rosie apparently only responds to commands given in Polish (???).  I guess there was some kind of connection between Polish speakers and elephant training.  Also I guess elephants can’t be retrained to listen to commands in any other language once they learned one.  Not known for their memories, apparently.

Oh, god.  I just did a little research to see if August was at all a common male name in America and have discovered that the most common baby name for boys in 2009 was Jacob.  Some days I hate America.  Twilight sucks.

Anyway, circus hijinx ensue.  Guys get tossed off trains.  Love finds it’s awkward way onto the screen in spite of Reese and Roberts attempt to convince you that they both reproduce asexually.  A million minor characters are added for color and then disappear like flatulence on a windy night.  The big disaster alluded to at the beginning of the movie strikes, leaving the star crossed love birds free to pursue their dreams of a tepid marriage.  Jacob finally does what he should have done in the first five minutes and gets his veterinary degree and a career.  I won’t give it totally away, but the final conclusion is so insipid and dumb that the movie would not have at all been damaged if alien invaders had landed and probed all the main characters (in fact, it would have been dramatically improved).

First the stars.  Watching the HBO show Carnivale has given me a liking of circus themes.  One star.  Christoph Waltz.  Two stars.  Rosie the elephant.  One star.  The depression era scenery and clothing were all pretty good.  One star.  Reese Witherspoon is hot.  One star.  The filming and pacing were decent.  One star (can you tell I”m reaching here?).  Total: six stars.

Now the black holes.  Jacob doesn’t get his degree like a moron.  One black hole.  Romantic chemistry similar to mixing two glasses of tap water together.  Two black holes.  There is no established motivation for anyone to do anything, especially August to not chuck Jacob off the train first thing.  One black hole.  A lot of effort is spent trying to establish that the circus performers and roustabouts are all one big family, right before August tosses a bunch of them off the train.  One black hole for discontinuity.  Titanic rip off.  One black hole.  I should give one black hole for every seemingly interesting supporting character who disappeared after two lines, but will restrain myself.  Two black holes.  The plot device of firing people by tossing them off the train when simply saying “You’re fired ” (Trump) would have sufficed really bugged me.  One black hole.  Animal cruelty, even in cinema, really puts me off my feed.  One black hole.  There was a distinct lack of grime and despair that one normally associated with Depression era films (see Carnivale if you haven’t).  One black hole.  Total: 11 black holes.

Grand total of five black holes.  Not great.  Not even worth seeing in a theatre (I Hate Theatre image courtesy of the funny political t shirts category).  Honestly, if you have two hours of you life with nothing better to do watch it on NetFlix streaming.  Your mom would probably like it, so if you are looking for something to do with her that won’t cause your brain to shrivel up too much, take her to a matinee.

Incidentally, it does give me a warm feeling to help contribute another nail in the coffin of Robert Pattinson’s career (Twilight sucks), although that wasn’t my intent when I saw the movie.  I just wish I didn’t also have to hurt Christoph Waltz’s in order to do it.

This is the last I am doing on this sub-category.  I think I will try to get a movie review or something else tomorrow to break up the flow.

Guidance Councilor. Sorry, but if a chance to bag on these guys comes along, I can’t let it go by.  I remember fondly taking an aptitude test from provided by the school councilor and being told I was best suited to be a farmer.  Sorry, I don’t do dirt if I can avoid it.  Also I am to much into instant gratification to wait a whole season for payment.  Anyway, these people are like high school teachers in that they deal with smart assed teenagers on a daily basis.  The difference is they have a lot less power than teachers over the kids in that they can’t actually fail them in anything.  This tends to make them either total dicks or floor mats.  Also every time some kid asks “If you know so much about career choices why are you a guidance councilor?” they want to kill themselves.  I’d say spare yourself the pain.

Contractor. This is a job description guys who are construction workers use in order to convince you they are more than nail pushers.  It is usually followed up by “Well, I’m working for another contractor friend of mine, but I have my own contractors license.”  They always drive a freaking huge crew cab pickup truck (most often red).  If you are into beer drinking, football watching, wife abusing hijinx than by all means date him.  There are no straight female contractors.  Incidentally, if you should happen to date one and then find out he is a roofer, run away as fast as you can.  All roofers are insane.  It must be the tar fumes and hot sun all day.  Now that I have said that I had better hope I never have to rebuild something.  Good thing I rent.

Blue collar worker. This can be almost anything, be it sanitation engineer, factory worker, bus driver, etc.  For the most part good guys, in a boring salt of the earth sort of way.  Usually they are grateful to even have someone attractive into them.  Generally not the most stimulating intellectually, although occasionally you meet one who is a total conspiracy nut whacko, and they are endlessly entertaining.

Performer. This is kind of a broad descriptive for anyone who makes money (or claims to) by entertaining people.  It could be a comedian, a street guitar performer, a childrens birthday clown, a chainsaw juggler, smoke bubble blower, or a blog writer.  With a few exceptions the best way to describe these people is kind of pathetic.  They typically make just enough money to survive but not enough to get ahead.  They feel frustration at not be acknowledged as one of the worlds foremost one man band performers, and need a girl or boyfriend to come to all their lame shows in the 3rd Street Promenade or where ever and collect the spare change from the jug you just passed around.  The decent ones have a day job at Kinkos or something.  The bad ones live on their takings.  (By the way, if you should happen to find yourself dating a mime, do me and the whole world a favor by stapling a note that says “Learn the words you creepy bastard” to his or her forehead and pushing them off a cliff so they can work on their silent flying man act.  I sincerely doubt any sane jury would convict).

Band member. Ah, the Crown Jewel of Losers.  These guys (usually.  Some girls but I find them to be a little more real) dream of a rock-n-roll lifestyle while performing for the same 9 people as the 7:30pm opening act at the local scum pit.  If you want to spend every Friday and Saturday night listening to the same eight badly written, badly engineered, and badly performed “songs” in a bar that smells of stale beer and urine than by all means date him.  Just know that if he and his band catches even the slightest whiff of success he will drop you like a live grenade in order to sleep with as many groupies as humanly possible.  Even crappy garage bands somehow manage to attract any number of (really) dumb girls willing to jump in the sack with them, so you can expect to be cheated on pretty regularly.  As for female band member, I actually went out with one and found myself spending a lot of time assuaging her massive self esteem issues and scraping her off the barroom floor about once a week.  However, as far as I know she didn’t cheat on me.  These guys inevitably have “day jobs” that somehow turn into “day careers”.  Do the human race a favor and don’t give them the opportunity to procreate.

That’s it for today, and pretty much it for the job thing.  Tomorrow I will break away from dating for a post or two but when we come back to it I will get into understanding pictures people post, or the “You can judge a book by it’s cover” article.

Yesterday’s question, Lincoln versus Reagan, is quite the puzzler.  Lincoln was taller, and actually fought a major war.  Reagan was more athletic, and invaded Grenada.  Technically he did win the Cold War, but that says nothing about his martial prowess.  I think that I will have to bet on Lincoln, unless the rumors of Reagan being the anti-Christ (Ronald Wilson Reagan, 6-6-6) are true, in which case I think he would prevail.  (Lincoln image courtesy of the funny political t shirt category)

For today I propose a battle between a great (if stupid human) warrior versus an lame superhero:  who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Beef Supreme (from Idiocracy)

Sorry I didn’t get anything posted over the weekend, but I had something to do that was WAY more important (and fun) than sniping at jobs listed on online dating posts, and I’m not talking about the Superbowl.  However, I will make sure to get something done every day this week, although I might have something to do next weekend as well.

Anyway, I’m getting into more specific jobs, mostly based on what I think I can make the most funny and insightful comments about.  Still, I think this could all be pretty useful.

Pharmaceutical Representative. In the world of manufactures sales reps being a pharm rep is the Holy Grail.  Great money, low geographic area, and easy to sell products.  I have long dreamed of dating a pharm rep, for any number of reasons.  First of all, pharmaceutical companies as a matter of course only hire super hot women to do it.  Something about trying to convince male doctors to prescribe their drugs.  So even if you don’t see a phote, you can know they are probably pretty good looking.  On the other hand, they are super busy and honestly are probably shopping for a doctor, so go easy.

Massage therapist. These women fall into three camps.  The most first is trained, true massage therapists.  They tend to be into Eastern culture and are probably do something like Shiatsu.  They take lots of classes and have a ton of certifications which in their mind is the equivalent of a college degree, in spite of the fact that it really isn’t.  They tend to be super fit, kind of skinny, vegetarian, and into stuff like meditation.  However, if you ever hope to see her naked you can never get her to massage you.  These women are so paranoid about being unprofessional that as soon as they dig into your doughy musculature you will forever be considered a client.  The second type is less trained, tends to be a lot more hippy dippy, cute in an slightly out of shape granola way, and more willing to give you a massage after sex.  She tends to be more happy and into the fun of it, but is flat broke.  The third is pretty much a hooker.  Usually from another country (Korean, most often from what I have heard) and willing to have sex for money.  I don’t know why they would be online, but if they are I would highly recommend not having anything to do with them.  It is a mess you don’t want to deal with.  If this person is a guy it will either be a super hot, muscular dude or a big, overweight, not terrible attractive guy.  If the first, I can almost guarantee he is looking for a sugar mama.  If not he is probably pretty sleezy.  If the second he is likely to be a decent guy, who actually will be able to give you a killer back rub.  See past the bulk if you can.

Stripper. Often listed as erotic or exotic dancer, most likely this woman is actually just fishing for guys to go to her pay website.  A women who dances for money who is sincere about meeting someone for a relationship will make up a fake job (which is a whole different kind of problem).  Odds are at some point I will do an entire post on dating (or trying to date) strippers, but for now believe me when I say dating a stripper is like being stuck in the accretion disk of a black hole.  If the stripper is male and not gay then he is 100% a sleezeball.  Basically he is not meeting enough women through his job (where is is surrounded by dozens of women stuffing money into his jock) and wants more sex.  On the other hand he is probably pretty good at sex, so if you are looking for a good time and/or a social disease, then go for it.  Just know going in he will cheat on you if you attempt a relationship and lie about it constantly.

Waiter/Waitress. Or server, if you want to be PC.  Very similar in many ways to a retail worker, in that they can be very fun to date when they are young and absolute hell when they get older.  The main difference is if you date one he or she will totally critique your food habits, table manners, the servers professionalism, and how much you tip.  Also, if you want to lose any desire to eat at a restaurant ever again have him or her tell you stories of health code violations that they see pretty much every day.  Also, they can cause you to eat less by telling you about all the fat bastards who do 10,000 calorie meals every night.

Wactor/Wactresses. This is a waiter/actor or waitress/actress.  I have no experience with actual actors or actresses (I actually assume if you are good enough looking to be an actor you don’t need to go online to meet someone) but living in LA I used to meet wactors and wactresses pretty much every day.  They usually studied drama in college, work as a server to pay their bills, and fight mounting desperation as each day passes without being discovered.  They generally tend to date each other like cockroaches living on each others filth, but once in a while will branch out.  However, be prepared to go to a lot of horrible plays and spend a tone of time reassuring them that they are still attractive and can act.  If they didn’t actually study acting then there is a pretty good chance they will eventually get into stripping or porn.  Kind of  fun to date on the front end and generally easy on the eyes, these folks usually turn into a headache of astronomical proportions.

That’s enough for now.  I think I will do one more post on this and then move on to interpreting online photos.

For our question last post, a ninja versus a football team’s worth of zombies, I think the Ninja would win as long as he figured out early enough to cut their heads off.  If he tried anything else he would probably end up as zombie chow.  (Ninja image from the cheap t shirts category)

For today let’s get political.  Who would win, Abraham Lincoln versus a young Ronald Wilson Reagan?

OK, we are on final approach to Makeout International Airport, but we need to make sure you aren’t going to completely repulse your date with your heinous kissing technique.  What you see in movies and TV is not really what you need to do.  Like anything else, this requires some research and practice to be not bad.

This is a bit of a tender subject for me, as I didn’t kiss my first girl until a later age.  I don’t want to get into the specifics, as they are terribly embarrassing, but let’s just say I was no longer a teenager (may my high school and everyone who ever attended it burn on the 7th level of Hell).  It is also a little awkward as the first girl I ever kissed took that opportunity to check to see if my tonsils had been removed with her tongue, and I assumed for years that this was the technique to use on all women.  Tragically, this was not the case.

I will get into specific instructions tomorrow, and will actually be referencing some sites to help me, as I don’t consider myself an expert on this at all.  For homework I would recommend you all start by checking out a site like this one on how to kiss.  Seems like good info, and if you all read that I can save time on specific stuff and stick to the funny.  For today I will talk about signs the girl can give you that you have either mistimed your kiss, misjudged her interest in you, or just have some painfully bad breath (by the way, like we discussed months ago, make sure your breath smells good.  Mints are not a bad way to go).  I am doing this both because I think it relevant and because talking about it is hilarious.

1.  She turns and gives you the cheek. This is pretty much the sign that she was planning on giving you the let’s-be-friends speech and was just waiting for the moment to cause you maximum pain.  On the one hand, it sucks.  On the other hand, you just saved yourself some pain sometime in the future.

2.  She kisses you, but does everything possible to keep from touching any other part of your body. Girls can do this weird Twister-like maneuver that allows them to kiss you while somehow not in contact with any other part of your body.  Maybe it’s all the yoga.  If she looks like she is trying to stick her lips through a knot hole in a fence or maybe like poor Flick from this Christmas Story t-shirt than you should probably get the clue.  Odds are she isn’t really sure about you but was leaning towards a no.  Sorry.

3.  She starts kissing you but then pushes away. This is a pretty good sign that your breath stinks (shouldn’t have ordered extra onions) or you have god-awful kissing technique.  We will talk more about this but odds are you went too far too fast with her.  Practice more.

4.  She shoots mace or pepper spray into your eyes. Yeah.  Are you sure this is the girl you had dinner with and not the coat check girl?  If she is your date you should go home and review your thought process on the entire date.  It would appear you seriously need to re-evaluate your ability to properly interpret statements like “I really don’t find you at all attractive and want to pay my half in order to not feel in any way obligated to you.”  In fact, I would consider examining all your human interactions.  Odds are you misinterpret things from people all the time.  It might actually be better if you didn’t reproduce, so consider a career in lighthouse keeping.

That’s it for now.  Yesterday’s vs question was Skynet vs JLA sans Superman.  The consensus seems to be what without Superman the JLA should be riding the short bus and that Skynet would kick the crap out of them.  Personally I like to think that Batman would do something, and Green Lantern is pretty cool, but I think Skynet would be a real issue for them.  I would have to vote for Skynet.

Here is today’s question:  Who would win, Harry Potter or Gandalf?

Ok, we are moving towards the big finally of 2010 when I give you my advice on when to move in and make “the move”, but before that I feel the need to help you avoid dating insane women.  This is another subject I am too intimately familiar with, so you will be gleaning a lot of benefit from my pain.

Here’s the problem for guys.  It’s not hard to spot a nutball when it’s another guy.  It’s seems pretty obvious and you get to spend the next three months wondering what his girlfriend is doing with him.  However, when a guy looks at a girl his vision is blurred by sexual desire.  In other words, you can’t see her lobotomy scar because you are too distracted looking at her breasts.  Even experienced daters get caught in this.

Now, this list is not definitive, nor is it conclusive.  A decent girl could have a couple eccentricities that show up on this list and still make a good girlfriend.  The fact is in my experience all women are insane to a greater or lesser extent (and, to be fair, all men are more or less stupid, including me.  It’s the wonderful dance known as life).  The trick is find one who is either sane enough to deal with or is insane in a manner that compliments your particular brand of stupidity.

So here are a list of warning signs I have seen or read about that make sense.  Feel free to add to this list if you have some ideas, but I will be breaking this list up into several posts so as to milk the content and not damage anyone’s brains.  By the way, to any of my female readers, if you spot any of these behaviors youself might consider hiding it until you get a guy locked in.

Here are the first few:

1. She has actually been committed to or participated in an insane asylum, rehab center, or 12 step program.  Is she on serious psychotropic drugs? This should be obvious, but you would be surprised how much guys will put up with when they are horny.  I had a good friend who met a hot girl and was working hard to hook it up with her.  Then a bottle of Tegretol fell out of her purse.  His father was a psychologist and he knew that that drug is used in the treatment of the most severe bi-polar disorders.  He was going to bail out, but then his little brain took over and he slept with her.  Let’s just say things restraining-order bad from there.  (Imaginary Friend image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).  Just goes to show how dumb guys can be.

2.  She has more than two cats. This is a subtle, but really good rule.  Here’s how it works.  One cat is cute.  Two cats is so the first cat has someone to play with and still kind of cute.  Three cats is the first step to turning into crazy cat lady.  I had an ex girlfriend who had two cats, so I thought she was OK.  However, her roommate also had a cat, which was three in the household.  She turned out to be totally bat guano nuts.

3.  She has a purse dog that she brings with her everywhere. This is totally valid in my experience.  Any girl who hauls her toy poodle around (especially on a first date, which I have had happen) and lets it hang it’s head out of her ridiculous over-sized bag should have a blinking neon sign over their head reading “THIS WAY LIES MADNESS.”  The pet has taken the slot in her life normally reserved for children, and given a chance to save your life or her Snookums she will without hesitancy drop you into a lake of molten lava.  This rule also counts for pretty much any pet, be it cat, ferret, parrot, of something a little more exotic.

4.  She collects exotic pets. As long as I am knocking out all the pet signs I might as well go into this.  “Normal” pets are cats, dogs, birds, fish, small rodents, and sometimes ferrets (they are really cute).  Any girl who has a fascination with and collects snakes, spider, tarantulas, frogs, or anything else bizarre she is nuts.  This is something only creepy guys are into (like my friend Eric.  How you doing, bud?) and when you get a girl into them I can more or less promise you she is freaky-deaky.  Also, plants are very cool, but if she has more plants than furniture you could consider this a warning sigh.

That’s it.  I gotta run, but will post more tomorrow.

This title should be “Dave tries to get a life.”  As any regular reader knows, I’m not one of those bloggers who tells you what I did every day and then shares my shopping list with everyone in some misapprehension that the universe is fascinated by the mundane details of my life.  However, last night a friend of mine invited me to see her band play in SF and I was impressed enough by the two bands I saw to write about it, but I am taking it from the concept of reviewing the music I saw.

Before I do that let me stroke my ego a bit by telling you some of the fascinating mundane details of my life as they relate to live music.  When I lived in LA I used to go see bands all the time.  When I moved to Oakland I was so busy that I really didn’t have time to find the places to go and some new friends who like live music to go out with, so last night was a refreshing blast from the past.  It was 1996 all over again, complete with me forgetting my ear plugs, a super hot girl driving me crazy with her loser boyfriend, someone spilling beer all over the place, a tiny cramped club, a bathroom I wouldn’t wish upon my filthiest enemy, and a decor developed by the “flea market meets free crap from beer vendors” school of decorating.

One thing has changed since 1996, however.  I don’t know if audiences are lamer, or I have somehow gotten cooler (or more delusional), but as I looked around the room I come to the realization that I was one of the coolest guys in the club.  The only exceptions seemed to be actually performers and a good friend of mine, but most of them were pretty lame.  Good for my ego, I guess.

Enough of that.  Let’s talk about the performers I saw.  My friend is in a band called Deeper.  She is the lead singer.  I had not heard her sing before, and was really impressed.  She has a great voice.  The band is indie/punk.  Kind of Riot Grrrl-ish with a couple of Y chromosomes.  Really good, and worth listening too.  Unfortunately I was late and missed seeing my friend trip and take a header into the drum kit, but I got the story later on.

The second band was called Thumper, and I liked them a lot too.  I am not a fan of hip hop in almost all it’s forms, but Thumper is a really cool fusion of indie rock and hip hop.  It’s not some lame mash up or rap with a guitar.  It is honest to god rock with rap-ish lyrics.  Really cool, and they sell t-shirts so they are near and dear to my heart.  I talked to the drummer (electric drums, which you don’t see a lot anymore, but sounded really good) after the show and he seemed like a cool dude, so I decided I would talk about them as well.  I think I will look around and see where else they are playing.  I think they are out of Fairfield, which is more or less BFE as far as the Bay Area goes, but maybe when they come back to SF.

I wasn’t going to stay for the last band, and so thought my evening was more or less done.  How wrong I was.  At that point they had an extra special showing of the San Fransisco Air Guitar Regional Champion Matthew “Cold Steel Renegade” Feldstein.  I have to say I have never been more impressed by a man in silver spandex and no shirt before.  He was amazing and hilarious.  Apparently Air Guitar is a highly competitive sport (?) that requires some kind of nickname to become a participant.  Check out the US Air Guitar Rankings.

I kind of wish I were joking and had made all that up, but I’m also kind of happy that I didn’t and it’s all true.

(Huge in Japan image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).

Not sure what I am going to do tomorrow.  I’m torn between completing my review of the Expendables or doing some more cheap date ideas.  If you have a preference let me know.

P.S. I did stop at the grocery store on the way home from the show, and my shopping list was yogurt, grapes, cheese, tortillas, salami, cucumber, and apples.  Who says I am not a hypocrite?

Here is another idea for a cheap date.  If you live in any kind of a metropolitan area check you local paper or community site.  Odds are somewhere in your city is going to be some kind of outdoor theater in some park during the summer.  A few months ago in San Francisco I went with a couple friends to see Grease.  It was totally fun, and had I been on a date with a girl instead of being the third wheel with my friend John and his girlfriend it could have been great.

This is a perfect date for a number of great reasons.  First of all, it makes you look totally cultural and/or hip.  It is totally fun, and for the most part totally free.  You will need a few things.  Here is a short list.

1.  A clean (<–important) blanket or three.  Even if the weather is nice you will want something to sit on.  A couple pillows are not a bad idea, but don’t have a ton of stuff to carry.  DO NOT bring folding chairs.  You want to create the intimacy of being on the same blanket together.  Note that if the weather is chilly that is even better, as you can then cuddle up under one of the blankets and get comfortable, if you know what I mean (by the way, if that sounds sleazy or duplicitous get over it.  There is no way any girl on the planet is dumb enough to get tricked by something like that.  I can guarantee if she is cuddling up under a blanket with you that was her intention all along.  Girls are freakishly smart when it comes to something like that.  You aren’t fooling anyone).

2.  Warm clothes, unless you absolutely, positively, 110% know it is going to be hot.  Remember that girls tend to get colder than guys and you can gain gallantry points by offering her your extra jacket.

3.  Something to eat and drink.  This can be as simple as some water or soda and a bag of popcorn or candy, or it can be a full on picnic basket with china plates and a wine bottle, glasses, and a corkscrew.  By the way, if you plan to indulge in adult libations be sure to have something to hide it with from the police who will surely be patrolling the event.  In most cases the cops won’t really care if you have a couple beers or a glass of wine as long as you don’t rub it in their face, but there is always the chance you could run into a total jerk who wants to make your life hell.  I do recommend this, as the actual breaking of the law in such a juvenile way will likely make you look like a bad boy to your date as well as flash her back to high school (in my opinion, this is such a minor thing that it doesn’t even register on my bad boy radar, but odds are likely most of you don’t have the breadth of destructive and outright illegal experiences that comprises my childhood.  I Drink Beer image courtesy of the funny t shirt category, by the way).

4.  A ready means to and from the event.  This can be your car, a public transit system, or taxi money, but don’t ruin a great date by tromping miles across the city carrying blankets, pillows, and a picnic basket.  Kind of a mood killer.

5.  A modest amount of information about the movie or performance going on.  This is again where ten minutes of research will really pay off in increased chances of scoring.  If you end up talking about he movie before or after the performance you will look more worldly and smarter if you can drop a couple factoids that were not obviously gleaned directly from the performance.  Don’t overdo it, but two or three tidbits that she can feign interest in will make you look modestly better.

That’s it.  Next dating post I will try to come up with something to take the place of this activity if you are a hayseed living in a cowtown, but I think next post I will review a couple movies I saw over the weekend while at the Firefly show.  I feel the need to show my ability to talk about things other than dating once in a while.

So I am in Southern California for the two different shows in a row, the Long Beach ComicCon and the huge triple show.  I am sitting in Starbuck having my breakfast scone and abusing their free WiFi and figured in spite of being on the road I had better do my best to keep all eight of my readers entertained with more dating advice.

Being broke, I still have cheap dating on my mind and so will continue along with that.  We live in a great time to be broke and dating, in that almost everything you do to save money you can cover with a thin veil of concern for the environment.  No joke.  Here are a couple examples:

Problem: you don’t have a car or have a car but don’t want to burn gas money.

Solution: “I am trying to cut  back on my driving to reduce my carbon footprint.”

Problem: you can’t afford bottled water and are constantly using your metal water bottle ($4.99 from Walgreens for me) or ordering tap water at restaurants.

Solution: “Do you have any idea how many plastic water bottles just get dumped into landfills every year?”

Problem: you can’t afford movie tickets.

Solution: “The power requirements of a theater, not to mention the harsh chemicals used in actual film production, makes me feel guilty to go to a cinema.  The more ecologically responsible entertainment option is to stream films off your NetFlix account in the comfort of your living room with the lights turned down low.”  This one is particularly devious in that it kills two birds with one stone in getting her to hang out with you in a dimly lit place of comfort for her as well as making her feel vaguely guilty for not thinking of the eco-ramifications of seeing a blockbuster herself.  If this doesn’t get you hooked up you are doing something very wrong (more on actually making the move later).

Problem: you don’t have money for a dinner out.

Solution: “I am trying to support organic and renewable farming by shopping at the local farmers market.  Why don’t you come over and I will whip up a delicious salad or something.”  Note-this actually only works if you know how to cook, which is why I don’t use it.  I make good reservations.  Also, if you are going to pull this one be sure she doesn’t come over and see an Albertsons shopping bag in your kitchen.  That could go badly.  

Most women at least make a token gesture towards eco-awareness, and if you start off on it before she does you can put her on the defensive and make her even more cheap.    With practice you can couch any cheap decision in eco-friendly terms and make it sound like a brilliant idea.  The trick is she needs to never realize that for you “eco” actually refers to economical.  Whoever said global warming is bunk science never had to date on $3.28.  Thank god for science (I Love Science image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).

Next post: cheap dining.

P.S. I should do this at Starbucks more often.  I think this is one of my better posts.