Ever wonder what a 101 minute Cradle of Filth video would look like?

This is the worst kind of film for me to review.  Not because it is bad.  Handing me a bad film to review is like handing Jason Voorhees a half dozen college students on a spring break camping trip (Crystal Lake shirt from the Horror Movie T Shirt category).  Two hours later and I am cleaning blood off my machete with a warm, satisfied feeling in my stomach.  No, this film is tough for me to review because I am actually a fan of Rob Zombie.

It’s true.  I like his music, and some of his films are amazing.  House of 1000 Corpses and the Devil’s Rejects are horror classics.  It’s to the point that as I arrived in the theater I already had the first two glowing paragraphs of this review written out in my head once this film turned out to be amazing (or even adequate).

Time makes fools of us all however, and in this case the amount of time is 101 minutes.  I spent most of that time waiting for anything to happen.  Ever take a long road trip and find yourself running low on gas?  Ever do that and hit one of those weird stretches of highway where they don’t apparently believe in gas stations (hello West Texas) and as you approach each exit you desperately hope that you will see a Unocal or Mobil sign?  Your desperation and eagerness increases with each passed exit until finally you end the movie parked at the side of the road on a desolate two lane highway with nothing but coyotes for company.

So it was for this film.  Rob can definitely build atmosphere, and when it comes to horror foreplay he is a master.  The problem is every time the build up reached the point where something, anything interesting had to happen it would stop with a screeching jump cut, leaving the audience with the equivalent of movie viewer blue balls.  Even in the few scenes where something happens inevitably end up being dreams or hallucinations of some kind.  I would like to say that having the main character wake up in a cold sweat after a vividly horrible dream is a cool movie tool to help establish otherwise intangible plot points.  However, it should not be used to cover 1/3rd of the scenes.  It became so standard during the course of this film that in the final scene where something actually was happening I kept waiting for the main character to wake up yet again.

This is why the film felt more like a Satanic rock video than a film.  It is chock full of creepy Satanic images and hallucinations from deep in Charles Manson’s subconscious but lacking in anything really scary or disturbing.  The whole thing felt like Rob Zombie messing around on his home editing system, putting together a video of some anti-Christian footage that his friends might enjoy while half drunk but not really for public consumption.  Very self indulgent, and given that he cast his wife as the main character and a bunch of his friends as supporting characters I’d say that is an apt description.  The whole time I was watching I felt the same burning desire for a fast forward button that I felt while watching Terence Malicks Tree of Life.  I know Rob intended this film to be a tribute to the Shining but he more closely parallels Malicks film style, only without the Christian overtones.

The story, I guess.  Sheri Moon Zombie (the Devil’s Rejects, House of 1000 Corpses, Grindhouse) plays Heidi Hawthorne, part of a three man late night DJ team that looks like Rob learned a lot from his interviews on the Howard Stern Show (I actually listened to his last appearance on that show and he pretty much says that is where the inspiration came from).  She and her fellow DJs Whitey (Jeff Daniel Phillips-Faster, Hide, Unknown) and Herman (Ken Foree-Dawn of the Dead, the Devil’s Rejects, Water for Elephants) interview Francis Mathias (Bruce Davison-X-Men, Harry and the Hendersons, Short Cuts) the author of a book on the Salem Witch Trials.  That night Heidi has a record delivered to her in a wooden box that screams Necronomicon from a band called the Lords.  She plays it and begins to hallucinate about witches.  The next night she plays it on the air and a bunch of women in the town of Salem are more or less possessed.

At that point things kind of mosey down the road with not much happening.  Every ten minutes another amazing scene is set up and seems to be leading to something that could be considered a plot point or pivotal moment, but just as you think something is about to happen Heidi wakes up.  A lot of Satanic and anti-Christian messages and images are use.  The witches burned (for the record, no witches were burned in Salem.  They were all hung.  I’m not saying that makes us any more civil than Europe.  I’m just a stickler for historical accuracy) are trying to come back and want Heidi to be their vessel from which Lucifer (or something) will be born.  Heidi’s landlady and her creepy sisters (Dee Wallace-E.T. the Extraterrestrial, the Howling, Critters Patrical Quinn-the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Shock Treatment, The Meaning of Life Judy Gleeson-Gilmore Girls, Spanish Fly, the Duke) are working together to make this happen and at one point beat Francois to death with a frying pan (closest thing to exciting as this film gets, honestly).  Religious images are shown over and over again and laughable Satanic verse is spoken in a voice that makes monster truck announcers sound serious.

The stars:

If you have an axe to grind against Christianity and love Satan then this is the movie for you.  You can’t say Rob Zombie doesn’t deliver a message.  One star.  He does create good atmospheres.  One star.  His wife is pretty damned hot in the scenes where she isn’t looking like a strung out drug user.  One star.  Total: three stars.

The black holes:

No real horror to speak of, nothing scary, and nothing happens.  One black hole.  The story is about as solid as a soggy corn flake and more or less serves to connect Rob’s images together.  One black hole.  The course of the entire film is like a beach ball with a BB hole in it, leaking air and finally ending with a vague fart sound and a quiet settling.  One black hole.  At no point in the film to you get an idea of what the evil plan is or even who the villain is.  No antagonist to speak of, and when the plan is finally unveiled you still don’t know what the hell is going on or why you should care.  One black hole.  I don’t think playing a subdued character is Sheri Moon Zombie’s forte.  Furthermore I felt no interest in her character or any kind of connection whatsoever other than she was hot (or any of the other characters for that matter).  One black hole.  Given the number of times I have bitched about rater R movies that avoid nudity this is weird for me to say, but there is a lot of nudity in this film but with very few exceptions (Sheri being all of them) you will truly regret having seen them.  Some things watched can’t be unwatched.  One black hole.  It’s honestly hard to take Satanic rhetoric seriously.  They have all the issues that Christian rhetoric has except that it just sounds silly (if you have ever listened to an Anton Levey interview you know what I mean).  I mean, worshiping Satan means you actually believe in the Christian pantheon but are going to go with the guy who will burn you in everlasting fire.  One black hole.  It’s rare that I have to say this since I usually find something to entertain myself with but as I left the theater I really felt like I had wasted my time.  Two black holes.  Total: nine black holes.

So a grand total of six black holes.   To be honest I was more than generous in my stars and reticent in my black holes.  If I weren’t a Zombie fan I would have probably unloaded my black hole shotgun into this movies face and the closest thing to a star I could have found would have been that it was filmed in English.  Sorry dude.  I honestly hope your next film recaptures some of the magic of your earlier films, or at least has something happen somewhere in the film.  Should you see it?  Honestly probably not.  If you are a Rob Zombie fan I think you will get more from renting the Devil’s Rejects.  If you do go see it load up on Strawberry Mojitos at the Applebees down the street beforehand.  This movie will look a lot better if you are plastered.  Date movie?  If I recommend you don’t go see this film there shouldn’t be any kind of logical process that would lead you to taking a date to it unless you secretly hate all women and see dating as your opportunity to punish them all for not being your mom.  Bathroom break?  There isn’t a single scene of this film (including the “climax”) that you couldn’t easily miss without losing a thing from your movie experience.  Cut out, drop a deuce, smoke a cigarette, run back to Applebees to recharge your alcohol battery, and come back in time for the ending credits.  Using your imagination while listening to to the post movie fake newscast might just make for a good time.

I always feel dirty after dumping on a movie by someone I like.  Why can’t McG come out with something?  Wrecking his movies is not only fun but I feel like I am performing a public service.  Sigh.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  Feel free to comment on this film or my review below.  Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to david@nerdkungfu.com.  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

Time for me to do another dumb movie question, and this is one that has bugged me for a long time.  If you recall from Back to the Future Dr. Brown got shot by Libyan terrorists for stealing about 500 pounds of plutonium.  We go through the entire movie series and in the end find out that Dr. Brown read Marty’s note and invested in a bulletproof vest.  All is good and happy.

Here’s the question: what happened to the van full of extremely well armed and pissed off terrorists that were chasing Marty in the time machine?  Sure they ran into a photo booth, but it never looked like it was enough to take them all out.  Shouldn’t Marty have gotten to the Doc just in time for their execution?  For that matter, what happened to any other terrorists still associated with that first group?  Do they really expect us to believe that they didn’t leave one guy back at the base with instructions to call Libya for more terrorists if they didn’t get back with the plutonium?

That’s pretty much it.  The time machine blueprints I found in Dave’s movie tshirts.  Not a lot of detail on that one.

Jason

So I heard they are working on a reboot for Vacation, only with no Chevy Chase.  I’m definitely not sure how I feel about that.  I mean, the actual comedy written into the movie was kind of dumb.  It was really Chevy who made this film what it was.

This version seems to be about Chevy’s son Rusty taking his own trip to Wally World.  I’m kind of wracking my brain trying to figure out who could play the role and do well.  Dave is better at the movie stuff than I am.  I should ask him.

Anyway, this is another film that bugs me in that I don’t think it’s really needed.  Vacation was pretty amazing, and honestly there is no major advancements in special effects or filming you could use to justify redoing or rebooting it.  It’s a family in a car.  I could film that on my camera phone.  Once again it shows Hollywood as being desperate for any kind of inspiration.  Obviously they are so lacking in creativity and new ideas that they have to keep falling back to old stand bys.

No real point here I guess.  I just thought it was interesting.  I am neither excited or really offended by this.  I’ll wait to see what they produce.  The image I found in Dave’s movie tshirt category.

Jason

The human race is collectively stupider for each child that watches this film.

I am in all ways a man of my word.  I didn’t do as well as I had hoped at the Warhammer tournament and as I promised in punishment went last night and saw the Mysterious Island.  This movie is actually one of the hardest for me to review, as from a cinema point of view it is the movie equivalent of blunt trauma to the head: painful and potentially brain damaging.  However, as I scan a few other reviewers I respect the phrase “good for what it is” keeps cropping up like a returning herpes sore and I have to admit, taken in the context of “moronic entertainment for kids with a story that won’t have parents wanting to kill themselves” it definitely qualifies.

I did not see the first one but honestly, I don’t think I missed much.  I have read a lot of Jules Verne and watched a lot of Scooby Doo, which seems to be the basis for this movie.  The problem is of course how to review it?  If I treat it like a kids movie I won’t have a lot to say.  If I treat it like an adult movie (and based on how much the camera lingers over Venessa Hudgens (Sucker Punch, High School Musical) very skimpy outfit outfit an argument could be made that it is an adult film) I will be dumping all over it but be revealing to the world what a bitter and horrible soul I am at heart.

I think the answer is, like most bad comprises, to jump both ways.  I will review it like a childs film but raise a lot of the points I would have raised if it were an adult film, thus creating more work for me but in truth probably writing something a little more entertaining. I will try to keep my complaints about the really, really, horrifically bad science to a minimum.  Sufficed to say science and technology will have been set back 10 years when the generation of kids watching this film grows up to become scientists and have the items in this film rolling around in their subconscious (anyone else remember Idiocracy?  Brawndo shirt image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category).

So the story.  Sean (Josh Hutcherson-American Splendor, the Kids are All Right, Journey to the Center of the Earth) hates his stepfather Hank (Dwayne Johnson (NOT the Rock)-Fast Five, the Rundown, the Scorpion King) and wants to decode a secret message in Jules Verne code from his missing grandfather Alexander (Micheal Caine-Batman Begins, the Dark Knight, The Prestige, Children of Men).  Turns out Hank is a construction worker who also is an expert code breaker and he and Sean solve the complex code in about 14 seconds.  It is a map and coordinates of a mysterious island of some kind out in the Pacific near the island of Palau, a small country who’s official language is happily English.  In an attempt to bond with his stepson Hank agrees to take Sean out there to find this island.  Once they land they find that the only person crazy enough to take them to “the most dangerous part of the oceon” is the incredibly goofy Gabato (Luis Guzman-Boogie Nights, Anger Management, Carlito’s Way) and his incredibly hot daughter Kailani (Vanessa Hudgens).  They board the most decrepit helicopter in the history of aviation and in the 7th worst decision in the history of the world (after the decision to air the Star Trek episode Spock’s Brain but before M&M’s decision to not let their candy be featured in E.T., passing it over to Reeces Peices) opt to fly into the mother of all storms.

They crash, of course, and wash up on the beach of some mysterious seeming island completely uninjured.   At that point the adventure begins and they travel the island, coming across many wonderfully stupid and impossible creatures (I know I said I would avoid bitching too much about the scientific impossibilities of the things in this film, but there is a phenomenon known as scaling and strength of materials that tells us why giant ants and tiny elephants couldn’t exist.  For the most part they wouldn’t be able to breath).  They find Alexander in about 2 minutes and it turns out they are all experts of one type or another in tectonic plate activity, biology, archeology, and jungle survival.  They find out the island is sinking (and does so ever 140 years.  Sorry to be a pill but do they really think an entire complex ecosystem can develop that quickly?) and have to get out.  The only way to leave is to find the hidden Nautiless, the submarine from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea left hidden on the island 140 years ago (again, sorry about this, but the fact is my dad once left a car on a driveway for two years and when he wanted to move it had to replace the battery, tires, and about half the hoses.  I don’t think a 140 year old abandoned sub would really be seaworthy).

Anyway, from a child’s point of view this movie is fun, with cool giant creatures running around on and some funny, dopey dialog.  Visually impressive, and will probably make a ton of money both here and overseas.  I think what I object to in this and a lot of other children’s movies is the missed opportunity to enhance rather than degrade a young persons education.  Would it have been so hard to write in a few actual scientific facts that were based on reality, thus making this film slightly more less worthless than the giant sodas sold at the concession stands?  I understand that Jules Verne took a liberal hand when it came to science, but still.  A movie for children should, in my opinion, have something other than empty calories.  That being said the kids in the audience seemed to be loving it, and I can’t argue with that.

However, if I were to treat this as an adult film I would give the film the following stars and black holes:

Stars: Vanessa Hudgens is super hot, and the movie apparently had a limited wardrobe budget when it came time to buy her shorts as there wasn’t a lot of material in them.  One star.  Some entertaining moments between the characters, especially the dislike and needling that Hank and Alexander had at first for each other.  One star.  I am a big fan of Michael Caine.  One star.  The CGI and camera work, while not really state of the art, worked well together and delivered some pretty impressive images.  Also this is one of the few movies I have seen wherein the 3D actually enhanced the film and didn’t just leave me with a headache (actually I was headache free from this.  Weird).  One star.  Total: four stars.

The black holes.  For the most part the characters were all pretty flat and two dimensional.  One black hole.  As a fan of science and technology I found concepts offered here to be really offensive, and hate to imagine teachers dealing with kids thinking that you can ride a giant bee in school for the next few weeks.  Three black holes.  I don’t know if I can call what I perceived as plot holes plot holes, as they all seemed to derive from the concept of “we are here to make really bad decisions” (for example: Alexander is trapped on the island and makes a radio out of coconuts or something.  He can only transmit every two weeks and so when he has the chance he sends out his message in a code that only one human on the planet, assuming he is even listening, will understand.  Why not just send out a regular SOS and get rescued?  The castaways on Gilligan’s Island would have taken him out back and beaten him with a 2×4), but the plot holes were annoying the crap out of me.  One black hole.  For the most part the characters were all in a secret contest to see who could be the most annoying movie character of 2012 (Luis Guzman won IMO, although Dwayne Johnson was a close second).  One black hole.  At one point we are forced to listen to Dwayne Johnson sing while accompanied on a ukelele.  One black hole.  Total: seven black holes.

So a grand total of three black holes, which is shockingly less that I thought I would give walking into the movie, assuming I were treating it like an adult movie.  Should you go see it?  As an adult absolutely not.  If you have kids they will probably enjoy the hell out of it, but understand that you are opening their brains to all kinds of oddball future theories, such as aliens, Bigfoot, the government orchestrated 9-11, flat tax is good for everyone, or creationism.  Odds are pretty good you will want to own a copy as it will keep your rugrats out of your hair for 94 minutes.

Thanks for reading one of my most disjointed reviews.  Not a lot of new stuff right now, but next weekend is looking really good.  In particular I am looking forward to Acts of Valor and dreading Wanderlust.  Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu and feel free to post a comment here.  If you don’t tweet and want to ask me something or make a suggestion privately email me david@nerdkungfu.com (email me in particular if you are in any way associated with an upcoming movie and want to invite me to an advanced screening in the Bay Area.  I would like to get these out before they are released if possible.  I promise I will buy popcorn and not text).  Talk to you soon.

Dave

I know all you readers out there are rigid in eager anticipation on my thoughts regarding the 2012 Academy Nominations, and believe me they are legion.  I don’t want this post to go 1,000,000 words, so rather than write my usual clever and scintillating intro will dive right in.  I will also include links to all the reviews I wrote for these so feel free to check those out.

Best Picture Nominations

The Artist-didn’t see it, and I know that is a failing on my part.  However, it seems a move nominated for Best Picture should be considered outstanding on all aspects of the film, including dialog and sound.  Honestly, not having spoken dialog seems like an unfair advantage; it’s like a blind person having his or her hearing enhanced by focusing so much energy on it.  By not having to worry about the sound performance of the actors the director can focus on the other visual aspects of the film and make them that much better.  The Descendants-I can’t really argue with this one.  While I had a couple minor issues with it (having to do with lack of tone) I can say it probably deserves to win.  Really good, considering the complete lack of gunfights, chase scenes, or  explosions (or perhaps because of that).  Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close-I was surprised this even got a nomination.  Way too soon in my opinion, and by that I mean during my lifetime.  Also, while the kid did a great job as a kid actor, his performance isn’t really going to set the world on fire.  I predict no actual award for this one.  Hugo-I have a feeling the Academy couldn’t let Martin Scorsese do a film and not throw him something.  Visually impressive, but the story kind of meanders at points (Hugo image courtesy of the Movie Tshirt category).  Midnight in Paris-fun and whimsical, but not really Oscar worthy in my opinion.  The Help-if this film had been based on a true story I think it might have been a real contender, but as it was a fictional book (and the fact that it was based on a white woman coming to help the oppressed minorities rather than them helping themselves) I think it won’t win anything.  Moneyball-probably my second choice for Best Picture, and if I actually had a vote in the Academy the one I would actually vote for.  War Horse-good movie, but I think the lack of an actual protagonist you can really connect with, combined with horrific scenes of animals in extreme pain, makes this one not really a choice.  Tree of Life-oh God are they kidding?  I’d give it the Academy Award for the Most Worthless and Pretentious Picture of the Year.  The very fact that this random collection of home movies chewed up, partially digested, and then vomited all over the screen got a nomination tells me that Hollywood is desperate to prove to the world that they have some form of artistic merit, but I studied art and there is surrealist art that makes a point and then there is weird just to be weird, and this film fits firmly into the second category, except for the fact that it was also one of the laziest productions I have ever scene.  If this dog wins it will not only prove once and for all that the Hollywood intelligentsia has their head firmly lodged where the sun doesn’t shine, but will make me question my desire to ever see another movie again.

Best Actor

George Clooney, The Descendants.  He probably should win.  Jean Dujardin, The Artist.  Didn’t see it.  Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.  I thought he was good, but I also don’t think it really a stretch of his acting ability to play a deadpan British man who shows no emotion throughout the film.  Kind of robotic.  Brad Pitt, Moneyball.  He was good, but I really think George Clooney has it this year.  Demian Bichir, A Better Life.  Didn’t see it, although in doing some research on it kind of wish I had.

Best Actress

Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs.  Not only did I not see this one, I wasn’t even aware it existed.  Another triumph in film marketing.  Viola Davis, The Help.  If you want to talk about emoting and delivering a range of emotions, Viola really did a great job.  I would seriously consider her for this award.  Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.  You know, I really enjoyed this film and Rooney’s portrayal of Lisbeth.  However, she really seems to have locked on to that character and not exercised much divergence.  I have little to no acting ability myself (and am also a terrible poker player) but it seems to me that playing an angry young adult is not that challenging an acting roll.  Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady.  I’m torn on this one.  I thought Meryl did an exceptional job in portraying young Lady Thatcher as a powerful world leader.  However, I found her performance as a decrepit dementia victim a little contrived and unfortunately that is where the director decided to focus.  In my review I talked about how unfortunate it is that a great actress like Meryl Streep is not given the room she needs to show her acting strength in this film.  Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn.  Didn’t see it, and to this day I don’t regret that choice.

Best Supporting Actor

Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn.  Didn’t see it.  Jonah Hill, Moneyball.  I will say this about Jonah Hill.  He plays a fish out of water better than anyone I have seen in a long time.  Nick Nolte, Warrior.  I don’t see an alcoholic abusive father as much of stretch for Nick’s acting ability.  Christopher Plummer, Beginners.  Didn’t see it.  Max Von Sydow, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.  In spite of my issues with this movie, I actually really like Max in this film.  I’d probably give it to him.

Best Supporting Actress

Berenice Bejo, The Artist.  Didn’t see it.  Jessica Chastain, The Help.  Meh.  Plus I’m still annoyed at her for helping make Tree of Life happen.  Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids.  You know, I wouldn’t have thought to nominate her, but now that it has been done I have to say I would probably say she deserves to win.  She is an exceptional actress.  Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs. Didn’t see it.  Octavia Spencer, The Help.  Another great performance.  I’m actually torn between her and Melissa McCarthy.

Best Director

Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris.  Maybe.  This movie was good, but it’s no Match Point.  Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist.  Didn’t see it.  Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life.  Not only should he not get an award, but after the ceremony the Academy should take him out back and beat him with a garden hose full of sand.  Alexander Payne, The Descendants.  Yeah, this one should get it.  Martin Scorsese, Hugo.  I’m pretty sure Mr. Scorsese did this film in order to learn how to do 3D.

Best Original Screenplay

Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris.  Actually, this screenplay was actually pretty good.  I think it would be a good choice.  JC Chandor, Margin Call.  Missed it.  Did anyone even know it existed?  Asghar Farhadi, A Separation.  What is the deal with candidates for Best Screenplay all having Worst Marketing Campaign?  Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist.  Didn’t see it.  Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo, Bridesmaids.  I don’t know about this.  I enjoyed the movie, but one of my criticisms was that the screenplay felt more like 11 skits rather than a single movie.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Alexander Payne, Nat Faxton, Jim Rash, The Descendants.  Probably the winner.  John Logan, Hugo.  Meh.  George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon, The Ides of March.  Sorry, but I thought the screenplay was one of the major problems with this film.  Aaron Sorkin, Steven Zaillian, Moneyball.  Maybe.  Not as good as the Descendants.  Bridget O’Connor, Peter Straughn, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.  If the book this movie is adapted from is as good as I have heard, than this might be the all time worst adaptation.

I didn’t see many animated films that are up for awards, and don’t have a strong enough opinion on the technical items to really have an opinion on Best Score or Cinematographic achievements, so I will not comment on those.

That’s pretty much it.  Feel free to agree or disagree here or on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  New movies coming out this weekend so look for some new movie reviews soon.  Thank you for reading.  Have a great day.

Dave