So like I said (threatened) yesterday I went to a late night showing the latest opus from Nicholas Cage, Drive Angry.  Given the last Cage movie I saw and lambasted, Season of the Witch, I did not expect a lot and for the most this film met with my expectations.  I got home, thought about writing it, and decided to sleep on it to see if the movie looked any better in the daylight.

Sadly, it did not.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love grindhouse.  However, this movie feels less like true grindhouse and more like some Hollywood guys trying to either do a high budget tribute or parody of grindhouse.  In either case it feels plastic and fake, like brown hair extensions on a redhead.

Also, remember when Nicholas Cage would act and actually deliver some level of emotion with his lines?  Like in Raising Arizona, the Rock, Kiss of Death, 8MM, Valley Girl, or prelude-to-a-suicide Leaving Las Vegas?  Right before doing Ghost Rider I think he was kidnapped and replaced with a robot who can simulate life but not quite deliver emotions.  The lines “Coffee, black, with sugar”, “Ever heard of a place called Sweet Water?”,” and “I am going to kill you” are all delivered with the same monotone deadpan delivery that would work well for a sidekick or secondary character (especially if the sidekick was the computer voice from War Games) but which makes me think I could do a better job filming the movie using World of Warcraft toons as actors.  For a movie called “Drive Angry” there doesn’t seem to be a lot of anger or any other emotion from the main character.  (Murloco’s Taco’s image courtesy of the World of Warcraft t shirts)

That being said, there are elements I liked.  Just not the story, acting, action, dialogue, or all but two of the characters.

Honestly, I think the synopsis will be the hardest part of this review for me to write as I spent the first 45 minutes of the films saying “What the hell is going on?”  I appreciated a film that doesn’t reveal everything to us like we are ten year old short bus riders, but at some point you have to make an effort to give us a clue of what was going on.  If I hadn’t read a blurb before the movie I would have been totally confused.

Anyway, Nicholas Cage plays John Milton who escapes from Hell in a hot car with a stolen gun called the God Killer a few years after being killed in some ill defined crime spree and is somehow unkillable.  He is trying to save his infant grand daughter from being sacrificed by a Satanic cult leader (Billy Burke, one of the two characters I liked).  He somehow convinces Zombieland hottie Amber Heard (playing the kick ass waitress Piper.  Come to think of it, she actually has a lot of anger in her roll.  Maybe she is supposed to balance out Mechano-Man Cage) to help him in her boyfriend’s stolen Charger.  They are pursued by the other only character I liked, William Fichtner, who plays Hell’s repo man sent to collect Cage and bring him back (it is later revealed that he is actually a former Egyptian god who I will not name but you have seen on Stargate SG1).  There is also a cool looking and sounding police captain who seemed to get a lot of character buildup and development and then fell off the screen like a lead seagull.  They travel through Louisiana mixing it up with white trash kooks and local color.  Car driving hijinx ensue, and there is a final battle scene not so much lifted as taken frame by frame from the car destroying the undead army scene in Army of Darkness.

OK, the stars.  The opening and closing scenes with Cage driving to and from Hell are pretty cool.  One star.  There are four amazing muscle cars, including a 69 Charger and a beautiful Chevelle.  Two stars.  I will give a star for every totally gratuitous grindhouse style nude girl, so like two and a half stars.  The Accountant from Hell (literally) was kind of cool.  One star.  The driving action, while over the top, was actually pretty cool and well filmed.  One star.  While headache inducing, the film was actually shot with 3D in mind and has some fairly cool things flying out of screen.  I actually found myself jumping a couple times.  One star.  Total: 8.5 stars.

Now the black holes.  Nicholas Cage acts like a Tweekie dealing with irritable bowl syndrome.  Two black holes.  The story kind of blows.  On black hole.  The dialogue blows.  One black hole.  As good as the driving sequences were (which was only moderately good) the fight scenes were horrible (at one point Cage kills about 20 guys while in coitus with a trampy waitress and doesn’t pull out until they are all dead.  On the other hand, this is one of the nude scenes that netted them a star).  I know grindhouse is supposed to be over the top, but this is just dumb.  Hire a fight choreographer.  Two black holes.  For no explained reason whatsoever Cage’s character is not only unkillable but somehow heals himself from a gunshot wound in the eye.  One black hole.  For the life of me I cannot figure out where Pipers motivation to do anything but run screaming into the night comes from.  One black hole.  Total: 8 black holes.

So we end up with a net of 0.5 stars, which is very slightly higher than the review I gave for Cage’s last movie, Season of the Witch (where he also portrayed a character with less emotion than the suit of armor he was wearing).  However, remember 2.5 stars come from my appreciation of rated R style nudity and 2 more from a love of American muscle cars.  If you do not share these interests then it swings heavily towards the black hole end.  Definitely not a date movie.  Honestly, if you love driving action then I would say see it on a screen.  On TV I don’t think it will really have the impact the big screen would have.  If you miss it wait until you see it in the $4 bin at Best Buy (or the #2 bin at Walmart).

For yesterdays who-would-win question, Jayne Cobb versus Snake Plisskin, I think it is kind of situational.  If Jayne had Vera and all the hardware he carried on a typical day of Firefly and Snake just had the gear he had in Escape from New York, I would have to bet on Jayne.  On the other hand if Snake had his choice of weapons (or was armed like he was in Escape from LA) then I would bet on him.  You can’t beat him in a gunfight, Bangkok style.

For today I will again go with Jayne, as I am in a Firefly mood.  Who would win, Jayne Cobb (with Vera again) versus John McClane from Die Hard?

OK, this is the last one I am doing on this nuance of online dating.  Not because I have run out of items to describe but more because it is starting to get kind of repetitive and honestly, by this time you should be able to figure these out yourself.

Girl surrounded by a huge pile of stuffed animals. Take whatever age she is and subtract 15 from it.  This is OK if she is 40 but kind of problematic if she is 25.  Also, I guarantee that she has a very protective daddy who is probably willing and capable of putting out a hit on you.  I’d give this girl a 7.5 on the pain-o-meter to date.

Big coke bottle glasses. For both guy and girl, this actually translates into pretty cool to date.  In both cases it usually means someone who is cool with their nerd lifestyle and doesn’t care enough to take pains for their appearance.  Often times they are super nerdy, which in my mind translates into pretty cool.  Also, girls who wear coke bottle glasses in photos in my experience are rarely fat.  I don’t know what the deal is, but overweight women seem really inclined to take off their glasses for photos.

Doing something improbable and potentially dangerous. Skydiving, dirt bike riding, rock climbing, hang gliding, or other “extreme” sports.  This is almost always a guy.  Unless his title for his profile is something like “Live to rock climb” then he is trying to show the world what kind of a macho man he is.  Odds are you can take however often he claims to do these things and divide it by about 20 to get the actual frequency (“I skate 3-4 times a week” = 182 times per year/20 = 9 times last year).  Guys who actually do “extreme” sports on a regular basis rarely have to go online to meet women, as there are any number of hot low self esteem women willing to be treated like a doormat to be encountered all the time in their daily lives.  If by some fluke you do meet a semi-pro skateboarder and feel dumb enough to date him you can look forward to having his shoes wiped on your back.

Lots of tattoos and/or piercings. If a guy this man has a serious F-you attitude towards life and people in general.  Either he is serious and will likely end up (back) in prison or he is a poser and feels a lot of personal frustration that no one understands what kind of a rock star he secretly is.  The best you can hope for is that this guy owns his own lame clothing company (something I know too much about) but odds are he works in an auto shop or something even more blue collar.  If this is a girl than she has serious daddy issues and this is likely her revenge on her parents.  The funny thing is they never seem to get enough and will keep getting revenge long after her parents pass.  If she is pretty hot than there is a good chance she has been a stripper or should have been.  If, however, you can get past all that they tend to be a lot of fun to hang out with and are fairly uninhibited, so given the opportunity I would date her.  Just be ready for the inevitable drama.  Also, in both cases you can glean some insight into their personality and intellectual ability by judging the subject matter, originality, cleverness, and spelling of the tattoos shown.  As a general rule, if you see a misspelled word run away screaming.

Lots of guns. Again, mostly guys.  This person is probably trying to make up for something, if you know what I mean, so if you have issues with larger junk than this would be the guy for you.  Also, these guys tend to be weird conspiracy nuts, so you can look forward to hearing how the Rand Corporation really runs the country and how the second Kennedy gunman was actually an alien who traveled back in time to prevent him from nationalizing the phone companies.  These guys tend to get turned on by shooting more or less harmless and inoffensive animals, so if you have any love of animals odds are you should steer clear.  A real man would fight a bear with a knife, in my opinion (or just try to stay away from one).

That’s pretty much it for today, and more or less for this matter.  Next time I do more dating I will talk about what to send on your first email to a girl online.  However, today is Tuesday which means cheap movie night at my local theater.  I’m afraid (literally) that I am going to have to see a late showing of the new Nicholas Cage film Drive Angry.  It looks truly awful and I look forward to writing a burning review of it tomorrow, although I anticipate a long evening of pain for myself.

As for yesterdays question, the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds versus the nerds from Scooby Doo, I think this question is very situational.  If the Revenge guys were trying to haunt an old amusement park so they could smuggle diamonds out of the state then I would have to bet on Scooby Doo.  In almost every other situation I would have to bet on the Revenge guys, if only because they seem less unwilling to mix it up.  (Adams Atoms shirt from Revenge of the Nerds shirt courtesy of the nerd t shirts category)

For today I ask the question of who would win, Jayne Cobb (with Vera) from Firefly against Snake Plisskin from Escape from New York?

This will be my last post on photos for now, and it will be quick as I am going out to dinner with some friends.  Let’s get into it.

Party photo. You know, the person in question sitting on a couch that looks like it was rescued from a toxic land fill surrounded by a bunch of poorly dressed losers and one guy in the background talking to the only hot girl in the place.  Everyone has a beer in one hand and there is a bong on the table.  That photo?  This person, guy or girl, seriously wishes they were back in college still.  Not that I blame them.  There are many times I wish I were back in college.  However, as for dating material this person will be kind of a drag and can’t really let go.

Person in photo hitting a bong. OK.  You have hopefully read any number of these posts and my interpretations on photos.  Hopefully you have gleaned a little skill in this area.  Do I really need to explain this one to you?  Let’s call it a pop quiz.  I’m sure you can figure it out.

Person in Halloween costume. If this is a girl, odds are she is pretty cool and would make a great girlfriend, unless it happens to be a cat costume, in which case stay as far away from her as possible.  Be aware, however, that masks and makeup can often hide some horrific blemish so if she is dressed like a witch and has no other photos up there is a pretty good chance the wart on her nose is not just good special effects.  If it is a guy and he is dressed as something from comic books or science fiction odds are he is a pretty cool nerd (unless it’s something from Harry Potter, in which case I would say pull the rip cord).  If he’s in something else use your best judgment.  However, if he is dressed as a woman I guarantee he is an ex frat boy and likely in the closet as well.

Guy on a motorcycle. Ugh.  Unless he is actually a Hell’s Angel odds are he is some kind of loser who wants desperately to be a bad boy.  He probably drives a delivery truck for Coors and has a history of fairly abusive relationships.  Also there is a very good chance he got the bike just because he knows it impresses dumb women.  I’ve never seen a personal with a girl on a motorcycle, so I have no basis upon which to comment.  My gut tells me she is probably pretty cool but likes to be in charge.  If you have any info email it to me.

On a Vespa scooter. If a guy I can promise he is a hipster scooter guy, which can be both good or bad (or both).  If he is gainfully employed it is likely to be good.  If not it is probably bad.  Either way, however, you had best have a high tolerance for pretension and crappy garage bands.  If this is a girl either she is the female, albeit somewhat cooler and more tolerable, version of the hipster scooter guy or she loves Italy and has fantasies of living there.  Either way she is probably pretty cool and worth going out with, as long as you like to travel.

I gotta get going, so I lied and will actually post one more on pictures tomorrow.  I’m actually having a lot of fun with this particular topic.  As for yesterdays who-would-win question, Jack Burton versus Buckaroo Banzai, first of all let me say I hope it never would come down to this as these two are both great and I truly hope they never have to cross swords.  That being said, I am going to have to bet on Buckaroo Banzai, but it wouldn’t be close.  He just seems more ready to deal with weird situation.  (Pork Chop Express (from Big Trouble in Little China) image courtesy of the many nerd t shirts)

For today I ask a true nerd question: who would win, the crew from Revenge of the Nerds versus the gang from Scooby Doo?

This post I will translate what people claim to do for a living into real language, as well as comment on what you can expect if you date this person.  Before I get into this understand that, at least for men, people with high paying jobs or who are wealthy really have no need to go to a dating site to meet women, so if there is someone claiming to be a doctor or stockbroker probably has some serious issues along the lines of lost his fact in a tragic belt sanding accident.  If you are looking to meet a doctor, go to a hospital.

Teacher. For some reason I have dated a lot of teachers (what did your mom do for a living, Dave?  Thank you, Dr. Freud), although not so much lately.  They tend to be pretty stable, with few annoying habits and plenty of free time on weekends and summer.  They also have no gray area when it comes to kids; either they love them or hate them.  When a teacher posts online it typically means they are sick of dating other teachers, so if you are one best you should move on.  For men, this guy usually falls into the hates kids camp.  However, they tend to be pretty reliable, loyal, and while they don’t have a lot of money coming in should be able to one day buy a house and retire.  For women they also tend to be the same, except they all inevitably “love to travel” and once in a while you will meet one who is a freak in bed.  Something about having to be so proper all day, I guess.

Medical Professional. This is a term people use to try to trick you into thinking they are a doctor.  They are not.  Doctors say doctor.  This person is at best a nurse, probably an orderly of some kind or at worse the guy who mops up the bio-hazardous waste or works in the kitchen.  Sometimes pharmacy.  The thing about being in the medical profession without being a doctor is you tend to get your ego punched in the stomach every day by pretentious, overbearing doctors, so if you are looking for someone  you can dominate in a relationship this might be the person for you.  Also, most of them hate doctors, so whatever your lame job is it will probably look more appealing.  For women this person is usually a nurse, so you can expect to talk a lot about either sex or disgusting work stories involving having to clean up something truly repulsive or changing an adult diaper or bedpan.  On the other hand, they tend to be pretty horny.  For guys this is more often an orderly, which is the medical equivalent of a pizza deliver guy except they don’t make tips.

Medical examiner. The one exception to the no-doctors-online rule is the medical examiner.  I’ve never met a female one, so I will not comment on what it is like to go out with one.  From what I have seen second hand male mortician actually tend to know some of the funniest jokes you have ever heard, especially if you like gallows humor.  If you have a darker side, love vampires or zombies, and/or want to creep out your friends by all means date this guy.

Lawyer. Lawyers are interesting.  Usually they are so busy with work that you will be lucky to see them one evening a week, if that.  They also, for the most part, hate their job and life but spent so much money on school that they cannot afford to do anything else.  For women this seems especially true, as I have dated a few and they all feel frustration about their life.  They also tend to have little interests outside of work and working out, so whenever I date one it tends to be a painful struggle to find something to talk about beyond the whole trying-to-remain-true-to-your-nerd-self-while-talking-to-a-woman thing.  For men this never, ever means a rich corporate law guy.  This is usually a public defender or ambulance chaser.  I don’t date men, so I can’t comment too strongly on this, but from what I have seen these tend to not be the most loyal on the planet.  On the other hand even a poor lawyer can afford a nice evening out.

Business owner. Take it from a business owner, this is never a Fortune 500,000 company.  For men, the best case scenario is a guy who has his own tech service fixing computers and networks.  These guys tend to be pretty geeky and therefore fun to date if you are a geek, but they also tend to work a lot, especially at night.  At worst this guy owns a failing Play it Again Sports and is a few months away from going back to work as a sanitation engineer.  In either case the problem with these guys is there will be good months and bad months.  One month he will be rolling in dough and the next eating Top Ramen.  For women this somehow always ends up being owning a bead shop somewhere.  Don’t ask me why.  They tend to be kind of fun and have more free time than guys who own shops, but they also tend to be pretty uninclined to hit the gym, if you know what I mean.

Of course, it goes without saying that if the business owner happens to be a guy with a website that sells nerd t-shirts and writes a hilarious dating advice blog than he is not only fun and entertaining, but also sexy and virile as hell.  You should probably sleep with him as soon as possible.

That’s it for now.  More tomorrow.  By they way, I just reread my last post and think it’s one of the best I have written, so if you didn’t read it go back and do so.

For the last posts who-would-win, I would have to bet on the half squad of Stormtroopers beating the full squad of Sandmen.  Better combat training (although Stormtroopers seem to be missing the part of their training that would teach them to hide behind cover or maybe even duck down), better weapons, and better armor.  Not to mention they are about 1,000 times cooler.  The numerical superiority of a full squad of Sandmen would not make up for that.  (Stormtrooper image courtesy of the Star Wars t shirt category)

For today the question I cross genres to ask who would win, Donkey Kong versus Mecha-Godzilla?

So I have not kept my promise about more dating advice, instead doing a couple movie reviews.  I feel bad, and in spite of the fact that I have a great movie related thing to talk about from Friday night that actually contains a dating related story, I will instead assuage my readers who are here for my dating advice and continue with my list of things you can do to after getting rejected.  I’ll do the other story later this week.

5.  Hit the gym. Work out your frustration while pumping some iron like Arnold here or riding a bike.  This has the added benefit of making you look better, which will help a lot when it comes time to replace your ex.  Also, the best revenge available when you get dumped is to lose 20 pounds so the next time you see her you look 10 times better.  This is a trick women have mastered, which is why the first thing they usually do after getting dumped is lose a ton of weight, get a hot haircut and makeover, and generally look really good next time you see her.  Really makes you question your reasons for dumping her, and if  you tell her you want her back she can either make you crawl through hot coals and broken glass or get the last word in by rejecting you entirely.  Turnabout is fair play (Conan image one of the many nerd t shirts images on my other site).

6.  Buy some new stuff. Nothing helps you get over a certain period of your life (the period wherein  you had someone and were happy) like a change of venue.  While moving to another building or town may be unfeasible, sometimes all it takes is a new couch replacing the rotten old pile of wood, cloth and metal that has been festering in your living room since college to help you put your head into a new space.  Again, this may help you actually get a new girl next time around, and if you ex happens to drop by to give you something back she may be impressed with the improvement.  Also, a new TV might be a dramatic improvement in your ability to mindlessly entertain yourself, and TV shopping is super fun.

7.  Buy some new clothes. Like new stuff, new clothes may help you reinvent yourself as a sexier, more datable human.  Go back to the earliest posts on the dating advice on buying clothes and spend a few bucks.  Try to bring a friend along so you can regale him or her with all the gruesome details of the fascinating tale of love found and lost you have stuck in your head.  I swear there is no way your friends are sick of hearing about it.

8.  Create a blog where you bitch about your dating life and give advice to other people. Yes, misery loves company and sharing your pain with the world wide web will indeed help ease yours.  If you can use the blog to do movie reviews and schlock t-shirts even better.

9.  Revert to your childhood. Bust out those old Legos or GI Joe dolls and spend an afternoon pretending you really don’t care about women again.  Buy a bunch of comic books.  Go to the movies and sneak into another showing afterward.  Ride your old skateboard.  Get in touch with your inner child because, while you might be inclined to beat yourself up over the whole thing, no one wants to beat a child.

10.  Get wasted. Drown your sorrows in alcohol.  Your goal should be to not remember anything from the evening.  If you feel like total crap the next morning odds are you will forget your heartache while you are barfing up a lung.  Also, you could end up with a new friend sleeping next to you, which should be at least entertaining as you try to find a way to extricate yourself from a weird situation.

If I can think of any more tonight I will do more tomorrow, but I think that’s it for this thread.  Remember, there was a time when food had flavor and the sun was a warm, loving life giver not a burn ball of garbage shining a harsh, scum revealing light on a cruel world.  Things will get better over time.  Your best plan is to learn from this and try not to be such a moron next time.

As for our question from last post, Freddy Kruegar versus the Scooby Doo gang, I am going to have to bet on Freddy.  The Scooby Doo gang are experts when it comes to ghosts, have access to all kinds of performance enhancing drugs (what is in those Scooby snacks, anyway?) and drive a bad ass lime green sex wagon, but they are essentially kids and that is Freddy’s meat of choice.  As soon as they run out of speed and have to sleep Freddy will get them.  If Freddy were facing the Ghostbusters I would bet on Venkman and the rest, as he never seems to do much to adults.

For today, I offer up the question of who would win; the Three Stooges (with Curly) versus Doug and Bob Mackenzie with their dog.