At least they don’t glitter in sunlight.

So last night I saw Underworld Awakening in 3D.  In fact I saw it on IMAX, which I consider a true test of what I think my time is worth.  You see, in order to watch a regular price show I would have had to sit around bored for over an hour.  I have always believed that my time is worth more than $7 an hour, so I sprang for the ticket at full price.  I also have a liking for the entire Underworld series and wanted to give it the best opportunity to present itself.

Good or bad?  Sort of.  Kate Beckinsale is back and looking as hot as ever.  The action is honestly weaker than any of the previous movies in my opinion.  Still decent and exciting, but kind of rote and formulaic.  The problems really arise in the plot and pacing.  The story progresses at warp speed (Enterprise image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category), leaving a messy chum of plot holes, unanswered questions, and highly questionable motivations in its wake.  I really feel that a ton of expository footage ended up on the cutting room floor, which is a shame as the entire movie felt criminally short at a lousy 88 minutes.  No one would have begrudged Swedish directors Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein an extra 15-20 minutes of screen time to flesh out the plot a little and give us a reason to care about anyone.

The two directors don’t have a lot of film experience and seem to be more well known for their TV work.  This actually makes a lot of sense, as the pacing seems very 2 part TV show-ish.  In fact, since most hour shows usually go 40-42 minutes than 88 minutes makes a lot of sense.  When you have to fit into a specific time limit you learn to be economical with your development scenes.  However, someone should tell them that the only limit cinema movies really has is how long an audience will sit in a seat.  Some movies actually have been know to go well over two hours.

Anyway, the story is (once  again) about the never ending war between Lycans and Vampires.  Given what we learned about the start of the war in the last movie I have to say my sympathy more soundly resides with the Lycans, but they don’t have super hot Deathdealers in leather body suits so I guess I will let it pass.  The twist in this film is humans have discovered both races and more or less hunted them into extinction using ammo specifically designed to kill them.  Anyway, in a scene so blatantly ripped off from the first Resident Evil movie they might as well have called Selene Alice Selene wakes up from a frozen cryo tube in a laboratory.  For some reason (the first example of “what the hell were they thinking?” plot holes) the scientists studying her felt the need to keep her leather outfit in the exact same lab for the last 12 years.  She has been frozen and incommunicado for those 12 years while the humans destroyed all her old friends and enemies.  She managed to gut a bunch of guards with a scalpel in about 1/4 of a second, which raises the question of if this is what vampires can do how did humans ever wipe them out even with magic bullets?  Anyway, her love interest in the movie before last, the vampire/Lycan hybrid Michael, is missing and she wants to find him.  She seems to have some kind of mental connection with someone she assumes to be him but actually turns out to be her 12 year old daughter (wait a minute.  I might buy into the idea that she was impregnated before being captured (which actually raises a ton of other questions), but do they really expect me to believe that while in a freezer she managed to carry a child to term, give birth to it, regain her pre-pregnancy shape and athletic ability, and somehow has no memory of it?).  Anyway, she meets up with another vampire (Theo James-the Inbetweeners Movie, Bedlam, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger) who for no apparent reason knows who she is and wants to help her.  He leads her to a hidden coven led by a guy who looks almost exactly like Phillip but isn’t (Charles Dance-Alien, Last Action Hero, Swimming Pool).  Lycans attack and the girl gets recaptured by the scientist experimenting on her (Stephen Rae-V for Vendetta, Crying Game).  At that point the whole humans hunting vampires story is more or less dropped for the remainder of the film.  A human cop decides to help Selene for no discernible reason.  Vampire on Lycan hijinks ensues.  Stuff gets blown up.  Cars get thrown around.  The lead in for the next movie is crammed down our throats.

The stars.  Vampires and Lycans who do what they are supposed to do, not sparkle in daylight.  One star.  Kate Beckinsale looking pretty hot.  One star.  Some of the action was palatable.  Two stars.  There was a nice merging of the Gothic vampire world with a dystopian slightly futuristic society.  One star.  Two bonus stars for the fact that I kind of enjoyed the film without being able to put my finger on why.  Seven stars total.

The black holes.  Plot holes bigger than the IMAX screen I was looking at.  One black hole.  A complete failure to give us anything in the way of an explanation of what was actually going on.  One black hole.  A complete lack of motivation from anyone to do anything.  What was the villain trying to accomplish?  Why did the other vampire help Selene?  Why did the cop join up with her?  The list goes on and on.  One black hole.  A lack of consistency in the powers that vampires or Lycans have.  One minute Selene is running down a corridor and killing guys so fast they can’t even follow her, the next she is struggling to keep up with a moderately fast moving car.  One black hole.  The CGI was about as good as you will see on True Blood and the 3D was completely non existent for the majority of the film.  Thanks for the headache and souvenir glasses.  One black hole.  A lot of the action kind of used cheesy camera angles and off camera shooting to create a fake feeling sequence.  One black hole.  Total: six black holes.

A grand total of one star.  Kind of mediocre.  The decision to see it or not really depends on the individual.  If you are the type to enjoy mindless action and blood, like vampires, have a thing for Kate Beckinsale, or just want to kill an afternoon without involving the majority of your brain cells then by all means see it on a big screen.  If you find lame plot holes aggravating and can’t stomach a film that fails to provide you with any insight into what any of the characters are actually thinking than bail.  Date movie?  Probably not.  Too much blood.

By the way, I didn’t give them a black hole for this but if you think the movie got it’s R rating for any kind of nudity or language prepare to be disappointed.  It’s all about the blood on this one.  Honestly it felt more PG-13 to me except for a few graphic gut scenes.

Thanks for reading.  I’m seeing Haywire tonight so look for that review tomorrow.  Busy weekend for movies.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

And a 2011 movie recap.

So I have been working on my movie awards (the Nerdies) and in preparation for this created a data base of all the movies I reviewed last year.  It was a lot.  90 movies, to be precise.  Kind of a staggering amount, and I saw a lot of crap and a lot of good stuff.  If you are interested in any of these reviews (most are pretty good in my less than humble opinion) you can choose the month on the right and scroll until you find it, or just search it out on Google.  Here is the list:

War Horse 30-Dec-2011 9 4 Good movie, but hard to watch if you like horses The Darkest Hour 28-Dec-2011 7 9 Invisible aliens land to steal resourses and PG-13 dissolve most of humanity. The Adventures of TinTin in 3D 27-Dec-2011 4 8 Tintin proves you don’t need a bad actor to have a dull performance. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo 22-Dec-2011 14 5 Great mystery movie as long as you can stomach bad accents and rape. Mision Impossible Ghost Protocal 21-Dec-2011 13 5 Tom Cruise delivers a decent performance in spite of one of the worst villian motivations possible. Young Adult 18-Dec-2011 6 4 The movie equivelent of eating celary: you will not gain anything from it, but neither will you be hurt by it. Sherlock Holmes: a Game of Shadows 17-Dec-2011 14 2 Entertaining, and at least they tried to make sure all the characters actually had appropriate accents. New Years Eve 16-Dec-2011 1 16 Ever want to feel like you are being water boarded while watching a film?  Then this is the film for you. I am Singh 4-Dec-2011 6 13 This film drives a dead point straight into your brainpan. Arthur Christmas in 3D 1-Dec-2011 Fun, as long as you can watch Justin Beiber without killing someone. The Descendants 27-Nov-2011 9 5 Somehow drama seems less impactful when it is occuring in paradise. Hugo 3D 26-Nov-2011 9 4 Taxi Driver it is not. The Muppets 25-Nov-2011 12 3 Best puppet movie I have seen in a long time. The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 22-Nov-2011 4 10 Can someone tell me when vampires became so wimpy? J Edgar 20-Nov-2011 8 4 A decent character study, and a mediocre History Channel documentary. Jack and Jill 18-Nov-2011 2 17 The only thing you could regret doing more than watching this is eating a huge bowl of Ex Lax ice cream. The Immortals 3D 16-Nov-2011 7 7 If you feel like you want to see a movie where you really don’t care who wins, this is the one.  Also really stupid headgear. Tower Heist 9-Nov-2011 11 4 Fun and entertaining, if you can believe a window washing crane can life a car made of gold that must weigh in at 100 tons. In Time 30-Oct-2011 9 7 This movie won’t make you want to kill yourself, but neither will it inspire you to take up running. Johny English Reborn 26-Oct-2011 3 6 Toxic waste martini. The Three Musketeers in 3d 23-Oct-2011 5 13 A mediocre Resident Evil sans zombie, Umbrella corp, good story, and believable action. Ides of March 20-Oct-2011 7 5 What’s more boring than a presidential primary campaign?  How about a movie about one? The Thing 17-Oct-2011 12 3 One of the few prequils that didn’t put a bullet in the rest of the series. Footloose 15-Oct-2011 3 8 What part of the original screamed out “Remake me scene for scene?” Dream House 9-Oct-2011 4 5 This movie is actually like three smaller movies fed into a blender and set to puree. Real Steel 8-Oct-2011 13 3 Who doesn’t love big robots beating on each other? What’s Your Number? 2-Oct-2011 6 8 This movie clearly illustrates the danger of reading those dumb relationship articles in women’s magazines. 50/50 1-Oct-2011 11 3 Decent movie, if you like stories about cancer. Abduction 28-Sep-2011 2 13 This movie is less like watching a film and more like running a marathon wearing underwear that is three sizes too small. Killer Elite 27-Sep-2011 6 10 The only thing this movie killed was my sense of faith in the honesty of film marketing. Moneyball 26-Sep-2011 12 4 Surprising good.  Go A’s! Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 20-Sep-2011 3 13 The main character has massive buck teeth and his name is Bucky.  Do you really need anything more to understand how much this movie could suck? Straw Dogs 19-Sep-2011 5 8 Basically a Roadrunner cartoon, if Wile E Coyote was a gang of white trash rapists. Drive 18-Sep-2011 10 6 This movie felt short on both driving and acting.  In retrospect I think I was overly generous with the stars. Warrior 14-Sep-2011 10 2 What is this strange, new feeling you humans call excitement?  I think I like it. Contagion 12-Sep-2011 9 3 If you have a friend who doesn’t wash his or her hands after using the bathroom tie them down and clip their eyes open A Clockwork Orange style and force them to watch this one. The Guard 11-Sep-2011 10 3 An Irish bad boy cop movie. Apollo 18 6-Sep-2011 9 1 Everyone else seems to think this one sucked, but it scared the hell out of me.  Maybe I was a little Monty Hall with the stars. The Debt 3-Sep-2011 6 5 This movie answers the ultimate filmaker question, “Can an exciting spy thriller be filmed entirely in a crappy East German apartment?”  The answer is no. Saving Private Perez 2-Sep-2011 10 5 Not bad, as long as you are ok with the US Army looking about as effective as a troop of Boy Scouts. One Day 31-Aug-2011 4 12 It’s been three months and I’m still trying to scrape this one off my cerebral cortex. Our Idiot Brother 30-Aug-2011 11 5 As long as hippies don’t put you into a murderous frenzy, this movie is kind of fun. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark 28-Aug-2011 15 6 A great case study of creepy terror and neglectful parenting. Columbiana 27-Aug-2011 7 8 Another movie that sucked me in with a great trailer.  This is a sequel that really shouldn’t have been made. Attack the Block 26-Aug-2011 9 3 Decent movie, but it really felt like a student film with a modest budget. Fright Night 3D 21-Aug-2011 7 7 Funny, but it couldn’t decide if it was comedy or terror. Conan the Barbarian in 3D 19-Aug-2011 7 18 Sucktastic. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II 17-Aug-2011 13 4 Good movie, but I spent months thing it was the Deathly Hollows, as in a geographic location like Sleepy Hollow. Tree of Life 14-Aug-2011 6 14 I wish I could bottle up this film and throw it into the sun. 30 Minutes or Less 12-Aug-2011 10 4 Funny movie, but I challenge anyone who has seen it to remember any specific funny lines or scenes a week afterwards. The Help 10-Aug-2011 10 4 Good movie, and managed to not make me feel guilty for being born white. The Change Up 8-Aug-2011 3 12 Did I really watch this turn on my birthday?  I have no self love whatsoever. Rise of the Planet of the Apes 6-Aug-2011 14 0 Really, really, really good (really). The Smurfs in 3D 3-Aug-2011 9 2 Another case of nostalgia overcoming my normally vicious reviewing instincts. Crazy, Stupid Love 1-Aug-2011 7 12 They got the stupid part right. Cowboys and Aliens 29-Jul-2011 13 4 I still can’t figure out why this movie didn’t make more money. Friends With Benefits 28-Jul-2011 9 5 I actually enjoyed this more than I thought I would, but when I think back the stuff that annoyed me is what sticks in my head. Capt. America: the First Avenger 22-Jul-2011 17 8 A good, of very PC, comic book movie. Winnie the Pooh 20-Jul-2011 Yes, I reviewed this one. The Zookeeper 17-Jul-2011 6 14 I don’t really want Kevin James to die.  I just want him to go away and never impact my optic nerves ever again. Horrible Bosses 12-Jul-2011 6 9 What’s a good recipe for a script?  How about a story where you hate every character in it equally? Midnight in Paris 11-Jul-2011 9 4 If you can stomach a lot of Owen Wilson this one is pretty good. Bad Teacher 9-Jul-2011 9 6 Pretty much Cameron Diaz’s last chance to play the hot chick. Larry Crown 4-Jul-2011 10 5 Decent in a middle sort of way.  Designed to appeal to middle aged middle America. Transformers Dark of the Moon in 3D 30-Jun-2011 16 14 Probably the longest review I wrote all year. Troll Hunter 19-Jun-2011 12 1 This is what movies should be like. Green Lantern 18-Jun-2011 7 17 God aweful. Super 8 12-Jun-2011 12 7 Decent movie, but I still hate you J.J. Abrams. X-Men First Class 4-Jun-2011 18 4 My favorite comic book movie of the year. The Hangover Part II 31-May-2011 10 17 Transexual sex jokes a go go. Bridesmaids 26-May-2011 14 7 An R rated movie that didn’t drive me nuts. Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides 23-May-2011 11 9 More brain candy from Johnny Depp Priest 18-May-2011 7 5 Catholic priest super ninjas. Dylan Dog, Dead of the Night 12-May-2011 5 13 An attempt to make a movie that was so bad it was good that resulted in a film that was just bad. Thor 9-May-2011 15 6 More proof that women dig a hot bod more than any amount of personality, wit, or a connection. Fast Five 7-May-2011 12 5 I never would have imagined that a driving movie would be fun to watch. Water for Elephants 4-May-2011 6 11 I wish they had used to water to drown the scriptwriters. Hanna 19-Apr-2011 10 7 Anyone have an idea why the kick ass teenage super spy in every movie has to be a waifish girl? Source Code 15-Apr-2011 6 2 Groundhog Day meets Die Hard.  Arthur 13-Apr-2011 6 4 A drunken rich reprobate stubmles across NYC and learns nothing. Your Highness 10-Apr-2011 9 3 Not only fun, but kind of what I imagine most real quests to have been like. Sucker Punch 28-Mar-2011 12 8 If you can see this as a visual comic book it is brilliant. Rubber 24-Mar-2011 7 4 If you can’t say something surreal, say gophers like pink bubblegum. Paul 23-Mar-2011 16 1 I liked this movie.  It is nerds doing what nerds do, with an alien. Battle: Los Angeles 16-Mar-2011 12 9 Aliens are here after our water, because it is such a rare item in the universe. Drive Angry in 3D 2-Mar-2011 8.5 8 Kind of reminiscent of the Terminator if the Terminator was both hornier and more robot-like.             I Am Number Four   23-Feb-2011 3 12 This movie makes me weep for the next generation.  (I’m Number One Image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category) The Green Hornet 22-Jan-2011 10 9 Never let Seth Rogan write another super hero movie. Season of the Witch 16-Jan-2011 8 8 This film was like a contest between the story, the action, and the acting to see who could suck the most.  I think the audience lost. True Grit 5-Jan-2011 11 5 A lot of fun, really, and the best remake of the year IMO.	Date reviewed	stars	BHs		notes

Decent movie, but don’t see this if you actually love horses.

This movie was actually better than I expected.  Sure, it’s Spielberg, but I had just been disappointed with Tintin and as masterful a storyteller as he is, he has a tendency to let his story dip into the sappy zone and hover there, like in E.T.  However, while the sap was there (lots of young boys snuggling horses) the story, after a sluggish start, really drew you in.

Spielberg appears to be using this production as a tool to show the horror of WWI like he did with Saving Private Ryan.  However, in spite of a much more terrible war (WWI was way more brutal than WWII.  WWI is why they created war crimes) it does not come even close to how well Private Ryan did.  The blame for this I put firmly on the PG-13 rating Spielberg bends bars to maintain.  I am not one of those guys who feels the need for gore and blood in everything, but the impact of a battle scene loses something when nothing brutal is shown.  Guys get shot and just fall to the ground.  One of the main characters gets caught in a gas attack and in the next scene, instead of showing him lying in a cot coughing himself to death (mustard gas) he has a bandage over his eyes.  There was none of the horrific desperate attempts to hold your own entrails in, or guys getting their limbs blown off.  It was almost sanitized, like a video game, and that sensitization kind of washes away a lot of the impact.

However, as kind as Spielberg was to his human characters he makes it up in his treatment of the horses.  Through a series of really good puppets and camera work with very little CGI he shows all kinds of horrible things happening to horses.  To be honest it was more than a little stomach turning, and I had to look away during a couple scenes.  A horse is a noble creature, and should not be shown in extreme pain and horrible situations.  I can’t actually call anything that happened animal cruelty, as none if it was malicious or intentional, but just really hard to watch.  This goes out to my horse loving friend Lauren in particular.  Don’t see this if you have a love of horses.

Anyway, the movie, with a few spoilers.  It follows the life of Joey, a thoroughbred horse born on a Scottish farm prior to WWI.  His birth is witnessed by young Albert Narracott (Jeremy Irvine-no other film roles), who takes an instant bond with him.  The horse goes up for auction and Alby’s drunken father Ted (Peter Mullan-Trainspotting, My Name is Joe, Boy A) makes the mistake of buying him for a very large amount.  This is going to cause them to lose the farm, literally, unless Alby can train Joey to pull a plow and can then plow the most rock filled field in all of Scotland.  He does so and all seems well until the crop is ruined from a storm.  Ted is forced to sell Joey to a cavalry officer (Tom Hiddleston-Loki from Thor, Midnight in Paris, Conspiracy), who takes him to France where he learns what happens when sword wielding cavalry charges machine guns.  Joey is captured by the Germans and put to use hauling ambulances.  He then goes through a long series of owner changing, from two German deserters, a French jam maker and his granddaughter, and a German artillery officer who seems to relish putting down injured horses.  He finally breaks free in a panic and runs out into No Man’s Land and gets caught up in the one scene I had the hardest time watching.  He gets rescued by a Scottish corporal with the help of a German infantryman (a love of horses supersedes the need to kill each other) and is eventually reunited with Alby, who apparently joined the infantry while all this was going on.  Some other drama goes on before the end.

The stars.  Decent if sappy story.  One star.  Amazing camera work and visuals.  Two stars.  While not graphic enough to really impact, the fighting did illustrate a lot of the horror of WWI.  One star.  The uniforms and equipment seemed correct, including the German spiked Kaiser helmets, and the entire film was very well within period.  One star.  This is something only a treadhead would appreciated, but they actually did show a rhomboid tank (I think it was a MkV Heavy, but they didn’t really show it off entirely).  I don’t know if they found a functional unit (there are a few in the world) or just built a replica, but really cool.  One star.  The horse handling, puppets and special effects were stunning.  One star.  I don’t want to get into it too much, but this movie did manage to draw out an emotional response from me.  One star.  Overall good movie.  Two stars.  Total: nine stars.

The black holes.  Stomach wrenching horse-in-pain scenes.  One black hole.  For the most part, all the characters seemed flat and uninteresting.  I don’t know if this was the writing or the fact there doesn’t actually seem to be a real protagonist.  The focal character changes every 15 minutes or so, never allowing you to connect with any of them, and Joey the horse does not show enough of a distinctive personality to really connect with.  For the most part he acts like a horse and a horse is a horse (of course, of course).  One black hole.  Each sub-character seemed to have a whole new sub plot that disappeared with that character.  One black hole.  What could have been a great R rated war movie got a PG-13 rating tied to its feet.  One black hole.  Total: four black holes.

So a grand total of five stars.  Decent movie in all regards, and well worth watching.  I will also say that the visuals are amazing, and if you don’t see it in a huge theater you will not get the full effect.  Go out and see it.  I don’t know how this would work as a date movie.  Sure, it has horses, but it also has a lot of other stuff that might turn a girl off.  She might respond well to the ending, but I personally don’t like to leave stuff like that to chance.

That’s it for now.  I have a freakishly busy weekend coming up (party, party, dinner with friends) and don’t know if I will get to see anything.  It might be Monday before I blog again.  (Party Like a Vulcan image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirts).  Thanks again for reading.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

So a couple months ago I did a 10 Best list (Balance of Terror was my number one if you missed it).  However, fairs fair and I really should do a 10 Worst as well.  Don’t get me wrong on this.  I love Star Trek more than pretty much any other show in the history of television, and would happily watch any of these.  Let’s just say my internal groan factor is much higher when I watch these 10.

10.  Episode 5 the Enemy Within.  I know, most true Trek fans will say that all the worst episodes were season 3 and it is some kind of sacrilege to even mention one from season 1, but there are a couple reasons for this one.  First of all, the story is kind of dumb.  The transporter can violate all laws of thermodynamics and create a second Kirk based on two arbitrary facets of his personality?  Good and evil?  Why not the two sides that either like garlic and don’t?  Honestly, a freak transporter accident does an in depth psychoanalysis of his brain and splits it that way.  Dumb.  Also, if Sulu and the two red shirts trapped on a planet are faced with a choice of being split into two or freezing to death, I think I would take my chances on being split in two.  At least you would have a perfect alibi for your upcoming life of crime.  Finally, when I was in school I took a class on video making and we had a guy come in and give us a lecture on how you could use lighting effects to create atmosphere, and this was the footage he used as an example of the cheesiest lighting ever.  If you watch you will see whenever they show good Kirk it is always with very soft, out of focus lighting and whenever they show bad Kirk it is with a harsh light either shining up under his chin or down onto his future bald spot.  That has kind of stuck with me.

9.  Episode 24 This Side of Paradise.  Yes, I know.  Another season 1 episode.  Don’t hate me.  The thing is, I am a huge Spock fan and generally don’t like it when he acts out of what I perceive as his character.  Amok Time was acceptable due to extenuating circumstance (and also because Spock was kicking ass) but seeing him as a happy country bumpkin living and loving a woman was seriously disconcerting.  Also, if the spores kept the colonists alive and healthy in what was effectively a paradise, why would they want to leave even after Kirk managed to itchy-pants them into a murderous frenzy?  I’d walk straight up to the nearest spore plant and take another blast.  Are they that loyal to the Federation that left them to die a horrible death?  However, this episode, like Amok Time, did show that Spock can kick the crap out of Kirk any time he likes, so you have to love that.  Kirk was even armed at the start of the fight.  (episode shirt images courtesy of the Star Trek t shirt category)

8.  Episode 58 the Paradise Syndrome.  Maybe it’s just episodes with the word paradise in them.  At least this one is firmly in season 3.  Sorry, but this on just reeks of pandering.  Kirk catches a dose of amnesia and ends up living with the Native Americans.  First of all amnesia as a plot device should be firmly relegated to the land of soap operas.  This episode garnered a lot of criticism for racism, something that Gene Roddenberry was trying very hard to avoid.  However, even a brain damaged white Kirk is shown as being highly intelligent and capable while the Native Americans are portrayed as kind of stupid and ignorant, if noble.  I’m sure this was not at all the writers intention, but it just played out that way.

7.  Episode 55 Assignment: Earth.  Technically season 2, but the very last one and the episode I will list as the worst one of all time is immediately following.  OK, Star Trek garnered a lot of praise for a time travel episode in the form of the City on the Edge of Forever, and Tomorrow is Yesterday was decent.  So they decide to again go back in time FOR NO APPARENT REASON WHATSOEVER!  The nominal excuse it to clear up some historical anomalies surrounding the rocket launch in question.  Is historical accuracy such a priority in the Federation that they are willing to risk destroying their entire universe in order to verify what happened?  Wasn’t that the whole point of the City episode?  One little change can alter the future forever?  Also, this episode was a blatant attempt to force a spin off featuring Gary Seven, the futuristic James Bond (played by Robert Lansing).  The real problem with this episode was I keep asking “What is the point” whenever I see it.  I think the cat, Isis, was the same cat used in Catspaw (which almost made this list).

6.  Episode 65 Plato’s Stepchildren.  OK, I bought ancient Greeks in space with the great episode Who Mourns for Adonis, and (sort of) bought Romans in Space in Bread and Circuses, but by this time I think we were all full up on the concept.  It really felt like they were looking for an excuse to reuse all the costumes from those episodes.  While I give this episode props for featuring the very first interracial kiss on television (Kirk and Uhura), the story concept is just kind of dumb.  Something in the food gives normal height people god like powers, and McCoy manages to figure out what it is and refine it to inject into other humans.  Wouldn’t that be like the greatest scientific discover in history?  At the end of the episode Kirk and Spock have more power than anyone else.  Why weren’t they still using them in episode 66, Wink of an Eye?  Why doesn’t the Federation not have a cadre of mental super soldiers with which to conquer the Klingons and the Romulans?  Even if the effect wears off over time, seems like it would warrant further study of some kind.

5.  Episode 59 And the Children Shall Lead.  If there is one thing Lucas taught us with the Phantom Menace it’s that kids suck in science fiction movies (OK, the kid in Aliens was pretty cool).  Any time kids turn into the main protagonist or antagonists in a show about adults it tends to suck.  Also, here is a tip for all you future space explorers.  If you should come to a colony in space where all the adults are dead and all the kids still living, maybe you don’t want to just welcome them back with open arms.  Do copies of the Children of the Corn no longer exist in the future?  I’m not saying to simply execute them.  Maybe just study them a little more carefully before bringing them on board your enclosed environment.  This rule pretty much applies to any sole survivor or surviving sub group, but should be double true for cute kids.

4.  Episode 57 The Enterprise Incident.  Ugh.  I can’t help but feel this episode was in response to some kind of push from Shattner to add some more espionage to his acting repertoire.  Here’s the thing about this episode.  While I assume it is possible for a little surgical alteration to mimic the appearance of a Romulan (actually, it was more like a little makeup.  Kirk did not really look that different) the thing is, the Enterprise had a crew of about 400 people.  I have to assume the Romulan ship had about the same.  Over the course of a few months duty I would say it is safe to assume that every crew member has seen every other crew member at some point.  My high school had about 2000 people in it and I can say that if someone had shown up I had never seen before I would have at least noticed them.  Also, how is it Kirk speaks flawless Romulan, or that the Romulans all speak English?

3.  Episode 75 the Way to Eden.  I can sum up what is wrong with this episode in one word: hippies.  Specifically space hippies who seem to see Spock as some kind of guru.  I really can’t decide what the message was from this episode.  It was either that smelly hippies suck and should get a job or that peace and free love rule and we should all go to a Phish concert.  Also, it is interesting to me that the one time Checkov gets a love interest she ends up a villain (sort of) and leaves to wander the universe.  No one can ever do better than Kirk.

2.  Episode 77 the Savage Curtain.  Abraham Lincoln in space.  Literally, floating in space.  This episode was a blatant rip off of Arena.  I guess the writers were getting tired by then.  Also, this is the first time in sci fi history we get to see the recurring turd monster.  The thing that sucked about this, aside from the question of how Kirk and Spock are appointed the universal representatives of Good, is that, while Arena was a long game of cat and mouse that ended, like all great Star Trek episodes, with Kirk using his brain to come up with a plan, this one finally resorts in old fashioned brute force.

1.  Episode 56 Spock’s Brain.  No surprise here.  In every list of bad Star Trek episodes this one is listed near the top.  Nimoy has said he spent most of the filming kind of embarrassed.  Amazon women from the Bikini Planet sneak on the enterprise and steal Spock’s brain in order to regulate their city.  Turns out they are stripper dumb until they get info downloaded into their brains.  This episode raises so many “what the hell?” questions I don’t even want to get into it.  If you are a fan of Star Trek you already know why this one sucks.  I don’t need to hurt myself dredging it up.

There it is.  Feel free as always to disagree and post a comment here.  You can also follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  I really don’t tweet a lot, but when I do you know it’s important (or I am really bored).  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you all soon.

Dave

Back on this.  Star Trek First Contact.  Not as bad as Generations, but that’s like saying being infested with intestinal parasites is not as bad as catching a flesh eating virus.  It’s probably the best of the Next Gen crew movies, but still chock full of idiocy.  It is worth noting that two different qualified directors turned this movie down before Jonathon Frakes, known only for playing anti-roll model Commander Riker, took it on.  Nothing like giving a completely unknown director a major production job.  (First Contact image from the Star Trek T Shirts category).

The whole “what was happening when this movie was made” thing is starting to lose its punch, as we are now close enough to where those events are less retro and more “oh, yeah.”  However, I am a creature of habit and so will continue.  The year was 1996.  I had discovered a number of reasons to get out of Southern California and moved to Santa Cruz, home of the Banana Slugs (they are huge and disgusting) and pot.  I was living Three’s Company style with two hot women, one of the women’s daughter, and three huge dogs.  Prince Charles and Princess Diana got divorced as Mad Cow Disease rampaged across England.  The Taliban came to power in Afghanistan, and Osama bin Laden moves there.  Iraq demolishes its biological weapons laboratory.  A cyclone in India kills over 2000.  A car bomb blows up at a US military base in Saudi Arabia.  DVDs are launched in Japan.  Windows NT 4.0 and Internet Explorer 3 are released (I use Firefox, mostly).  Duke Nukem 3d is released.  The first mammal, a sheep named Dolly, is cloned.  Butler based search engine Ask Jeeves is founded.  Music has been overdosing on suck pills, with popular music including the Spice Girls, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Mariah Carey, Alanis Morisette, Foo Fighters, Lenny Kravitz, Sheryl Crow, Smashing Pumpkins, Rage Against the Machine, and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers (those last two weren’t bad, actually).  Movies were also really sucking, with Independence Day, Mission Impossible, Twister, the Nutty Professor, Jerry McGuire, 101 Dalmations, and The Rock (again, the last one was good, but most of those kind of sucked).  Kind of a blah year, to be honest.

Anyway, First Contact.  It should have been great.  Next Gen crew, the Borg, and lots of stuff getting blown up.  What was the problem?  Well, as I have stated before, time travel as a plot device is a terrible tool to write your story around.  It is the first resort of incompetent, lazy writers (J.J. Abrams this is going out to you too).  The problem is that, while it looks like an easy thing to do, it is actually really hard to pull off.  It should also be noted that the TV show producer, Rick Berman, who was kind of responsible for the horrible Generation plot, really wanted a time travel story.  I’ll talk a bit more about the whole time travel thing in a little bit.

First, what did First Contact have?  Borg.  The entire Next Gen crew, including Marina Sirtis still young enough to look kind of hot (she was 40 at the time of filming).  Some decent explosions.  A tribute to Star Trek canon (again, J.J. Abrams).  More Borg.  Massive plot holes.

What it didn’t have: the same Picard we all know from the TV series.  Instead of the intellectual man of peace for whom violence is a last resort we get a bloodthirsty maniac who’s only goal is to kill all the Borg, in spite of the many times he has spared them in the past.  An understanding of the Butterfly Effect or the Temporal Prime Directive.  A reason for Worf to have survived the battle and be aboard the Enterprise.

Let’s get into the plot holes and issues I have.  The major one, and the reason this film fails miserably as a time travel plot, is the Butterfly Effect.  Remember the TOS episode the City on the Edge of Forever where Bones goes back in time and saves the life of a woman, eventually causing the Nazis to win WWII and completely change the future?  What effect to you think the Borg raining unholy hell down on the rocket base in the past, killing dozens of people, could possibly have on the future?  I guess they managed to kill Zefram Cochrane’s entire flight crew, as they now have to stick Geordie and Riker in there.  No way those people would have ever been interviewed, or maybe written a book.  Then, to make matters worse, Picard and is crew take the Temporal Prime Directive and use it as toilet paper.  Advanced technology is used extensively, including Geordie’s eyes and Data.  Just stupid.

As long as we are on it, if the Borg have a time travel device why did they feel the need to fight through the Federation blockade with a single cube and THEN go back in time?  Why not go back in time in some remote corner of the galaxy and then, I don’t know, use their warp drive to travel to Earth?  Also, what is up with disrupting first contact?  Why not go back to the 100 Years War, assimilate the planet, and not have to worry about first contact?  Then send another cube to Vulcan and assimilate them.  Also, sure Picard managed to stop this one time travel thing, but if there is one thing the Borg is good at it is information redundancy.  Why would they not make 100 time travel ships and shoot all over the continuum?  See what I mean about time travel as being a stupid plot device?  They can travel back in time when it is convenient for the story but at any time it raises awkward questions they forget how to do it. Also, Riker and Troy, the two headed anchor of the Next Gen, give Cochrane multiple details about the future.  I think they just wanted to have a big dramatic scene like that.

OK, what happened to Picards brain?  How did he turn so bloodthirsty, even with regards to his own assimilated crewmen?  Wasn’t he assimilated and repatriated?  What about Seven of Nine?  Or all the other ex Borg people they kept meeting?  Nope.  We need to mercy execute them all.  I seem to recall Picard being really upset every time a single crew member died, but now he is ready to Kevorkian the lot of them.  I don’t really question the moral choice in this situation, but what bugs me is it is so contrary to Picards nature as portrayed by years of Next Generation episodes.  Remember when he had the chance to destroy the entire Borg race with a computer virus and didn’t do it?  That was after he had been assimilated, by the way.  It’s almost like the writers watched about five episodes of the series while stoned off their ass and then wrote the script.  I am actually really puzzled by this.  Rick Berman and Jonathon Frakes had both worked on the show from it’s inception.  Could they not see the massive shift in tone going on here?

How did Councilor Troy, a character not well know for her technical qualifications with modern technology, become qualified to run Mission Control for a 21st century rocket launch?  Somewhere during production I suspect there was a serious argument along the lines of “I’m not getting enough screen time, dammit!”  Also, didn’t any of the 21st century ground crew never ask “Hey, who is this chick?  Also where did Cochrane find two trained and qualified copilots at the last minute?  I don’t remember them being at any of the meetings.”

Is Data really bulletproof?  Seems like I can remember him taking damage from all kinds of blunt force trauma.

Speaking of flesh eating virus, why does engineering have the coolant that is anathema to all life inside a delicate plexiglass tube that is totally exposed?  Seems like you are one forklift accident away from losing your entire engineering staff.

Anyway, there are a bunch of others, and if I had more time I would share them with you in excruciating detail.  I’m not saying First Contact is bad, per se.  It was certainly better than Generations, and arguably the Motion Picture.  Just that it could have benefited from a non brain damaged writer or two.

That’s it.  I’ve already blown off enough work to write this today.  I will say after my list of best animated movies I went back last night and rewatched Batman Mask of the Phantasm.  While watching it I noticed something really important.  I was 100% correct when I put that as the best animated movie I have ever seen.  You are a fool if you haven’t seen it.

You are also a fool if you don’t follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  I don’t tweet a lot, but everyone one of them is a gem.  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

The warning stroke of the Star Trek franchise.

I can’t keep putting it off.  I promised I would do the entire series and am at the dross of Star Trek.  This is like dinner as a kid, when I would rush to eat all the delicious mac and cheese and be left staring at a bowl of steamed spinach and broccoli.  The fun is over.  Time to put the work in.

Ugh.  Where to begin.  I suppose I should just do what I have been doing so far and talk about what happened in 1994.  Tonya Harding went nuts.  Nelson Mandala became president of South Africa.  The US invades Haiti.  The Northridge earthquake hits LA (I slept through it).  OJ is arrested for the murder of his wife and her lover.  A Finnish ferry sinks, killing over 900.  NAFTA is signed.  Most of Montana burns up in a wildfire.  No one else in the US notices.  Java is released as a programming language.  The Channel Tunnel is dug.  Other movies included the Lion King, Forest Gump, Dumb and Dumber, the Mask, Clear and Present Danger, and Pulp Fiction.  Popular music included Beastie Boys, Snoop Dogg, Rod Stewart, Sting, Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Rolling Stones, Celine Dion, Sheryl Crow, and Boys II Men.  Television was Law & Order, Ren & Stimpy, Beavis & Butthead, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Frasier, Star Trek DS9, and the great X-files (one day ask me about my Scully fantasies).

(Generations image courtesy of the Star Trek t shirt category)

While TV was doing OK, I think it pretty obvious that movies and music had both hit a slump.  Paramount needs another hit Star Trek film.  However, as the last one has more or less shown, the cast is well past their prime and not likely to appeal to the modern generation (haw!).  The obvious solution would be to create a Next Generation movie.  However, anti-movie producer Rick Berman failed to have enough faith in the TV show he produced for years to believe it could stand on it’s own, and like attaching water wings to a young (or severely disabled) child managed to convince the TOS stars with the least respect for their characters, Walter Koenig, James Doohan, and of course, Bill Shatner, to step in and make their TOS roles look even stupider.

So, the story.  A giant space ribbon is tearing ass across the galaxy and sucks up Captain Kirk or something.  Still not sure what happened there.  Later, Picard comes across Malcom McDowell (remember that really cool movie he did a while ago about a violent sociopath?  The movie with the great story that made sense and came from a book.  I’m talking about Tank Girl, of course), who wants to get sucked back into the Nexus (the name of the ribbon) again because for some mysterious reason that is like Heaven, where you can do or be anything you want (my plan is to become an erotic dancer named Destiny).  The only way he can do that is to attract the ribbon, and the only way to do that is to blow up a star with a populated planet around it.  Picard and his crew do what they can to stop him, but fail.

So Picard gets sucked into the Nexus, where he gets bored of Heaven pretty quick.  He runs into Guinan, still wearing the dumb hats, who explains that she is not really there but is a shadow and Picard can exit the Nexus anywhere he chooses, at any time he chooses.  So he wants to go back to stop Malcom, but needs help.  He recruits Captain Kirk, who was happy just chopping wood.  Together they get into the lamest geriatric fight action sequence of all time (think a less coherent Bum Fight).  Kirk dies, but Picard succeeds.  Then, Picard leaves Kirk’s body to the rats as he goes rushing off to more adventure.

That’s pretty much it.  I don’t want to get too deep into the what it had and didn’t have, although the value of what it didn’t have grossly outweighs what it did.  What is specifially didn’t have was Mr. Spock or Dr. McCoy.  Leonard Nimoy and DeForrest Kelley both either had too much integrity or they hired a third grader to read the script and let them know it was a steaming pile of crap.  Uhura managed to miss it too.  Sulu they only got by promoting him.

What the movie had was some massive, gaping plot holes you could fly the Enterprise through.  Let me go into a couple.

OK.  You are Captain Picard.  You are in the Nexus, and need to stop Malcolm McDowell.  You can come out at any point you wish.  Why would you pull an old man out of retirement and then appear 2 minutes before Malcolm launches his doomsday rocket?  Why would you not show up three days earlier on the bridge of the Enterprise and just throw his ass into the brig right then and there?  Or paste his little base from orbit?  Or transport to the surface with like 100,000 security guys?  How dumb are you, man?  He could have saved his brother’s life too

What the hell was Worf doing on the Enterprise?  Wasn’t he supposed to be on DS9?  And if he somehow transfered back, why was he still wearing his DS9 uniform, along with about half the crew?  Was the costume budget so small they had to recycle old uniforms from other shows?

So Malcolm is about to launch his death rocket.  According to Worf, it will impact the sun in something like 11 seconds.  Assuming, since everyone can breath on the planet, it is a class M world similar to earth, that means it is 8 light minutes from the sun.  This rocket would have to be able to do warp 46 to get there that fast.  Lazy writers piss me off.

Why didn’t Picard recruit like 100 people to help him?  For that matter, if time has no meaning in the Nexus why not enjoy a few million years of happiness and hair before dealing with the problems at home?

The planet’s ionosphere prevented the Enterprise’s sensor from detecting Picard?  How lame are these sensors?  This planet has an ionosphere.  Also, given that we can now read a credit card from space couldn’t you just have the computer visually look at most of the surface, searching for the distinctive reflection off Picard’s shiny pate? How about getting off your lazy, bearded ass (yes, Riker, you) and send down a couple shuttles to look around a bit?  I mean, it’s just the captain, right?  He’s not really critical to the operation of the ship.  No way he has broken a leg and is currently dying of thirst.

Why would Picard pick Kirk anyway?  It’s not like he needed Kirk’s years of experience.  He basically needed a red shirt to distract Malcolm and die while Picard saves the day, which is pretty much what Kirk did.  While I do find irony in Kirk finally going down like a red shirt, it still bugs me that Picard didn’t recruit some kind of young combat guy or something.

What was the point of Data and his emotion chip, other than to completely annoy and distract the audience from the rest of the plot?  Actually, now that I think about it, given the quality of the rest of the plot I don’t know if that was such a bad move.  Still, it sucked.

If after Picard failed the first time and he and Malcolm were both in the Nexus, what was to prevent Malcolm from going back in time and killing Picard as a child, then jumping back into the Nexus at the first point he encountered it?  For that matter, why didn’t he just fly up to it in a ship and shoot himself at it inside a photon torpedo?

Why did Picard leave Kirk, a galaxy wide hero known across Star Fleet, buried under a pile of rocks?  His ship was about to pick him up.  Are coffins so expensive in space?  How about a nice memorial and tomb for him?  I hope your final wish was to be eaten by alien worms on a forsaken planet, James.

What’s the deal with everyone in the universe being totally familiar with Tri-Lithium when it is an experimental compound the Romulans (not well known for sharing secrets) were experimenting with?  Also, if it is such a rare, exoctic material, why did they have to come up with such a common sounding name?  Lithium is pretty commonplace, and Tri-Lithium sounds like you just packed three of them together.  Why not a Romulan name?

Did any of you ever watch the TV series?  Apparently none of the movie producers did.  Remember when Picard had to change his pants after being given a 12,000 year old “curlin nescar” (I don’t know how it’s spelled) and has a whole speech about how priceless it was?  Well, why then would he drop it on the floor of his wrecked ready room and leave it for future archeologists after picking up his stupid photo album?  For that matter, why the hell was his photo album and curlin nescar (Curling NASCAR?  Maybe it had something to do with that weird Olympic sport where you sweep the ice combined with stock car racing) in the ready room and not his quarters?  Isn’t that where he is supposed to keep important personal items?

Actually, the list goes on and on.  The script was stupidly and lazily written, the TOS charactes were really out of place, Shatner’s overacting totally clashed with Picard’s Shakespearean training, Data acted completely out of character, and more or less the movie experience sucked.  Of course, was it the worst of the Star Trek movies?  Nope.  It was more the harbinger of more pain to come.

Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu.  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

So no movie to review, and I have been promising to finish my Star Trek movie retrospective, but the problem is I am up to Generations and have been repressing that one like a childhood memory of molestation.  I have had a tough couple weeks, especially in the dating world, and have decided to do something that I know will put me in a good mood and a smile on my face: my top 10 best TOS episodes of all time.

The hardest part was actually narrowing it down to 10.  My short list had 22 on it (and to be honest, my long list has 79 if you know what I mean) and I have spent a lot of time thinking about the episodes and what they all mean to me.  You will notice I am more inclined to go with the darker episodes, so don’t hate spam me with questions like “Why didn’t you have The Trouble with Tribbles or Shore Leave on here?”  Those were fun, but the cute episodes I consider pretty light weight compared to these others.

10.  The Conscience of the King.  This one doesn’t appear on a lot of top 10 lists, but I loved it.  Dark and sinister, with Kodos the Executioner trying to repress his past and redeem himself in raising a pure daughter in the arts, with characters from his past wanting to hunt him down.  I think my favorite scene is when Kirk has Anton Karidian read the proclamation Kodos made at the execution of the colonists, although his death scene at the end of the episode was great too.  “The revolution is successful, but survival depends on drastic measures.  Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society.  Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony.  Therefore I have no alternatvie but to sentence you to death.  Your execution is so ordered.  Signed, Kodos, governor of Tarsus Four.”

9.  The Gamesters of Triskelion.  I know.  Kind of dopey and campy.  But as a kid I used to love the Star Trek fight scenes, and this one is full of it.  Also, if you want to see Kirk at his macho, over the top best, this is the episode to use.  Plus, I had many a young teenage fantasy about the green haired girl in the silver lame’ bikini.  (episode images all courtesy of the Star Trek t shirt category).  Plus, this episode introduced us to Quatloos, a form of currency I plan to use to replace all other money when I conquer this pathetic planet.

8.  Charlie X.  Wow, even putting these in order is hard.  I have a good idea what is going to be my number one and two, but this one was hard to place.  Poor Charlie.  Honestly, nothing wrong with him other than the normal hormones all teenage boys are subject too.  That and unimaginable power with no behavior governor.  Anyone else get bothered by the fact that the Thasians were able to return Yeoman Rand but Yeoman Tina Lawton seems to remain an iguana and the guy in the gym, Sam, remains lost in the nether?  It goes to show you don’t have to be on an away mission to suffer the fate of all no name red shirts.  Anyway, when I was first really into Star Trek I was feeling pretty alienated from all my peers (plus a bunch of other guys who really weren’t my peers at all), so the plight of Charlie at the end really spoke to me.  When he fades out of sight at the end I feel really sad.

7.  The Galileo Seven.  This one was all Spock, all the time.  He is in command and it is his call to deal with his dwindling crew and the giant creatures attacking them.  You get to see into his logical mind deeper than most episodes.  I especially loved his argument at the end of the episode where he makes the claim that he had logically concluded that the only recourse left was to act in an illogical manner.  Awesome.

6.  the City on the Edge of Forever.  I told you at the beginning the I am drawn to the darker episodes, and there is absolutely nothing happy about this one.  Dark and grim, with Kirk having to make horrible choices in order to protect the future as he knew it.  Also, I would like to mention that everyone acknowledges Star Trek for inventing the cell phone, but the fact is they also came up with the iPad (or just tablet) in this one.  Spock uses his tricorder to record the historic tracts the Guardian is showing him and then later replays them on the screen.  Steve Jobs, Gene Roddenberry has beat you out once again.

5.  Amok Time.  Yes, I know.  This is the penultimate episode and should be higher up, but my placement is for this is not about this one being bad as the next four being amazing.  Greatest fight scene of all time, and proof that Kirk can lose to someone (Spock actually beats his ass on two separate occasions).  Still not sure how they got that script past Shatner’s ego.  Anyway, some really cool Spock moment.  I love the cello music they play whenever he is doing all his Vulcan meditation.

4.  Arena.  Does it say something about my brain that three of these 10 are about personal combat?  I really was born in the wrong millennium.  Anyway, Arena is all good with no fluff.  The Gorn captain is so cool, and Kirk gets to show all his best shoulder rolls and flying kicks, to no effect.  What do you really think kicking a walking alligator is going to do?  Kirk gets to explore his resourcefulness, and in the end proves what noble creatures humans are at heart.

3.  Spectre of the Gun.  Wow.  Star Trek managed to find a way to get cowboys in space in a cool way (eat your heart out, Joss Whedan).  Not only that, but they did it during the dreadful third season (we don’t need to talk about Abraham Lincoln in space).  The whole virtual reality concept was literally decades ahead of its time, and really led to an amazing story.  They added a little camp at the end when Kirk feels the need to beat the hell out of what is effectively a figment of his own imagination, but the scene where the crew is standing in front of the Earps as bullets pass harmlessly through them will always remain with me. (I am, by the way, a huge Firefly fan.  I’m just saying Star Trek beat them to it)

2.  Space Seed.  Even putting aside the fact that this episode led us to the Wrath of Khan, this was such an awesome story that it makes my face hurt from smiling thinking about it.  The great Khan Noonien Singh (great name, by the way.  If any of you are having a child soon I recommend considering it) in all his super human glory.  This show also featured excellent examples of the crew’s discipline and loyalty.  Even Lt. McGivers comes around once the love glow faded and she remembered her duty.

1.  Balance of Terror.  When the TOS episodes started to become available in DvD but before you could buy entire seasons, this was one of the few I bought.  I could watch this episode over and over again.  Great space battles (in all their Das Boot glory) but more importantly, a steady buildup of tension that very few other shows or movies can possibly match.  First time I watched this I was rooted to the screen, my whole body tingling.  Not only that, but you really feel a connection with the Romulan commander unlike any other villain in the series.  When he is forced to eject the body of the Centurion I was honestly moved.

Furthermore, this episode deals with stuff normally excluded from the shows, including Federation politics and inter species racism.  As an aside, the Romulan commander was played by Mark Leonard.  He later played two other different Star Trek rolls, being the only actor to portray three different characters in the series.  Can you name the other two?

Anyway, I know there is any amount of argument that could go on here.  This is the list for me, however.  Feel free to respond here or sent me a message on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (follow me too, dammit.  I need followers).  I am willing to discuss episodes until the cows come home.

Also, I found out about a new show that is going into production soon looking for the “King of the Nerds” (“I didn’t know we had a king.  I thought we were an autonomous collective.”) and they have asked me to help them find people who want to get involved.  If you think you are some kind of nerd genius or just want the chance to be on TV and are 21-30 feel free to contact LINDSAYCASTING@GMAIL.COM.  I spoke to her on the phone and it sounds like they aren’t just looking to make nerds look like losers, so it could be a good thing.  Read the article so you have an idea what they are looking for.  Try to be good at something nerdy.  Anyway, new movies this weekend, so hopefully something good tomorrow.

Dave

I admit I have been putting this off a bit, as this is the last of the “good” Star Trek movies.  After this the franchise stops circling the drain and finally goes down.  By no small coincidence it was directed by Nicholas Meyer, the man responsible for all the best Star Trek films.  They were pretty much done with the actors directing films by this point, although Nimoy did a decent job.  (The Undiscovered Country image courtesy of the Star Trek t shirt category)

I have fond memories of this film, and enjoyed seeing it.  However, this film really drove home the fact that instead of the young action figures I was used to seeing I was watching some older men kind of fumble around on the screen.  When James Doohan was the one to save the day at the end I knew the action days of the Star Trek crew were pretty much over (we’ll talk about Kirk fighting it out with Malcolm McDowell in Generations later).

What was happening in 1991?  Well, I was a sophomore in my second try at college.  I was grinding my way through the mechanical engineering program and hating it (I would later switch to Studio Art).  We attacked Iraqi forces in Kuwait in Operation Desert Storm (good thing we were done there and never had to go back.  Oh, wait…).  Iraq also agreed to eliminate all WMD’s and, as far as all evidence since has shown, complied.  Russia has its first free elections and votes in Boris Yeltsin.  A big fire in my home town of Oakland, CA burns thousands of houses.  The Prime Minister of India, Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandh, is assassinated.  South Africa adopts a new constitution that was multicultural.  The Balkan war started.  Mike Tyson was arrested and charged with rape.  The phrase “going postal” started up by a postal worker shooting up a bunch of people.  Freddie Mercury died of AIDS.  The Rodney King video tape is shown.  The Internet is opened to the public and has over 1 million computers on it (ha ha ha ha aha ha).  The first web browser is released.

Movies were kind of ok.  Good ones included T2: Judgement Day, Silence of the Lambs, Backdraft, Father of the Bride, and Thelma and Louise.  Less good ones include Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Hook, the Addams Family, Beethoven, Beauty and the Beast, and the Naked Gun 2 1/2: the Smell of Fear.  Popular music included Pearl Jam, Brian Addams, Phil Collins, Guns ‘n Roses, Metallica, Gloria Estephan, R.E.M., U2, Van Halen, the Clash, Garth Brooks, and Nirvana.

So, the Undiscovered Country.  The Klingon moon Praxis (by the way, there is a series of books called Dread Empires Fall that talks about the Praxis as a philosophy.  Great science fiction, especially if you like space battles that actually take most real physics into account) blows up and more or less wrecks the Klingon Empire.  They sue for peace and send Kirk to transport the Klingon ambassador even though it is known that he hates the Klingons for killing his son David, who he knew for all of 2 weeks or so.  Kirk is framed for killing the guy, and surrenders to the Klingons.  He and McCoy are convicted and sentenced to a prison gulag.  Some prison stuff happens, including an attempted escape with the help of a shapeshifter who really plans to kill them.  Spock beams them out after he discovers what really happened.  They find two assassins dead but trick their accomplice to reveal herself.  Turns out it was Samantha from Sex and the City.  Anyway, a bunch of Klingon, Romulan, and Federation officers are working together in a conspiracy to prevent the treaty that would allow them all to work together(?).  The crew finds the cloaked Bird of Prey that did the original attack and blow it up.  They all beam down to the conference and save the presidents life.

What it had:

The full crew.  Captain Sulu.  Captain Spock.  Captain Scott(?  I guess all the S names got promoted).  Some cool space battles.  A decently complicated plot that didn’t drive me berserk.  Some decent humor.  An illustration of the bonds of friendship between the crew that was organic and not shoved down our pie holes in the form of an awkward dumb speech made around a campfire.  A dumb cameo by Christian Slater.  Super hot Imam as the shape shifter.  A shockingly large number of minor continuity failures. A generally good movie experience.

What it didn’t have:

Sulu on the bridge with the rest of the crew.  That’s pretty much it.  I can’t think of a lot from this one.

So a very positive experience, especially given the dross we were forced to watch in the last one.  Unfortunately this would be the last positive Star Trek film experience, pretty much for ever (and don’t give me any crap about the J.J. Abrams movie.  If you are really a Star Trek fan than you know it’s garbage).  I warn you now that the following retrospectives, starting with (de)Generations, are going to take a much darker and bitter tone so if you feel you need positivity in your life you might want to skip them.  It’ll be a couple more posts before I get to it, especially since I am about to go see Friends with Benifits and expect it to burn up my bile reserves pretty easily.

Just a little past my bedtime.

Life is so unfair.  The fact is I think Woody Allen is a degenerate creep (and coming from me, that’s saying a lot) and would love nothing more than to trash his latest picture.  However, even going into this flick with my hackles pre-raised, it was a funny and charming experience.  Woody managed to not insert himself into the film in any way, which I think helped me forget what a perv he is.

I’m not saying the film is a cinema masterpiece.  I’m also not a fan of French culture, so the whole “Paris is the most romantic city on the planet” thing is lost on me (if you really want romance check out Bakersfield, California).  As far as I can see, the entire city is comprised of cobblestones and murky fountains.  However, the film is entertaining and fun, if a little slow at times.

The story is of Gil (Owen Wilson), a Hollywood script writer who dreams of writing a novel and of living in Paris in the 1920′s.  He is in Paris with his bitchy fiance Inez (the pretty damned hot Rachel McAddams) and her parents on some kind of ill defined business trip.  He feels his contribution to the literary world is less than impressive (and as a movie reviewer who sees a lot of the crappy scripts being churned out of Hellywood I can’t disagree with him) and wants to do more than just be fabulously wealthy.  Inez is the 100% stereotypical So Cal materialistic bitch who only wants to spent a ton of money on French stuff (18,000 Euros for a chair?  Give me a break) in a desperate attempt to add culture to her bland, pathetic life.  At night Gil wanders around the city and, at exactly midnight, is somehow transported to the 1920s.

There he parties with some of the greatest artist and writers of the age, most notably Ernest Hemmingway.  Somehow they all speak English, which is convenient as for a guy who has dreamed of living in Paris for years he has done very little to learn French (ever heard of Rosetta Stone?).  Some of them are expatriates, but a lot just seem to know enough English to get by.  They all seem to spend every night drinking, driving, and smoking.  He meets his dream woman (Marion Cotillard, the wife from Inception) and has a sort of romance with her.  He also gets Gertrude Stein (Kathy Bates) to read and critique his manuscript.  Meanwhile his fiance is partying with a really annoying know-it-all (doesn’t he realize that I am the final authority on all things cultural?) and his future father-in-law hires a PI to find out where he goes every night in a relatively innocuous sub plot.  Paris hijinks ensues, both in the 1920s and present.  Gil evolves as a human being.  A lot of alcohol gets drunk.  A lot of literary references, some subtle, some not so much, get dropped.

The stars.  The movie was entertaining and intelligently written.  One star.  Woody Allen resisted the urge to insert himself into the movie (how many bumbling old timid stereotypical Jewish men can we watch in a lifetime?).  One star.  Most of the supporting characters were extremely entertaining, particularly Hemingway and Gertrude Stein.  One star.  The film work was excellent.  Paris was shot brilliantly and the lighting really added to the contrast between 1920s Paris and modern Paris.  One star.  All of the women (except Kathy Bates, I guess) were pretty damned hot.  Even the tour guide.  One star.  Woody never attempted to explain the time travel mechanic, which in another film would probably infuriate me but in this one was pretty much required.  One star.  Charming.  One star.  No forced attempt to add entirely unnecessary action or chase scenes to make it more appealing to the morons out there.  One star.  Overall a good experience.  One star.  Total: nine stars.

Now the black holes.  While I appreciate having a specific style, if you had not told me this was a Woody Allen film at the beginning I would have known it within the first ten minutes.  You can almost hear Woody reading out some of the dialog.  One black hole.  Of all the characters, Owen Wilson as the protagonist was the most annoying and worst performance.  His laid back California dude-bro attitude did not really enhance the character, and in scenes where he was supposed to show some kind of excitement (obviously his most difficult performances) you could almost see him flick the activation switch to go from deadpan to excited deadpan.  I find him to be the Ambien of actors.  One black hole.  The pacing needed work.  There were scenes that seemed to drag on at times, and other scenes that ended abruptly just as I was getting into them.  Also, the repetitive nature of the night after night party took on a Groundhog Day effect that slowed the film down.  One black hole. With the exception of Gil, we never got to spend enough time with any of the characters to really appreciate them, even when it was painfully obvious that the character was really interesting and I for one wanted to learn more.  One black hole.  Total: four black holes.

Nothing else really hit the irksome category, although I did find the final romance came out of pretty much nowhere.

So a grand total of five stars.  Is it fun and worth watching?  Yes.  Should you see it in the theater?  No, unless you really love Paris and want to see it on a bigger screen.  Good date movie?  Absolutely, as long as your date doesn’t hate Woody Allen for marrying his adopted daughter.  If she is cool with him then you could score some points for being sensitive and intellectual.  The real question is how will it stand when compared to his other 200 films.  Honestly, not particularly well.  It’s no Bullets over Broadway or Match Point.  I would rather see Sleeper to be honest.  In a couple years it will be just another film he did; worth your time, but not worth gushing about.

By the way, I am still trying to get the whole video review thing going, but as usual have run into some technical issues.  I think I am going to have to start over.  Also I have a huge trip coming up Thursday and won’t have my iMac with me, so it might be a while.  Meanwhile I am scrambling to get all the new Star Trek t shirts uploaded, and have gotten into the minor shows like DS9 and Voyager.  I might see another film tomorrow and write something, but who knows?  I still need to finish all those Star Trek movies.

Ah, the faint rotten egg smell of suck finally grows and permeates every pore of the hallowed Star Trek franchise.  The movies prior to this one had their issues, but the faint whiffs of lame that wafted off them was nothing compared to the overpowering odor emanating from The Final Frontier. This thing reeked like a giant blender full of dead skunks (movie poster image courtesy, as always, of the Star Trek T shirts category).

To be honest, I couldn’t for the life of me remember anything from this dog.  I had to Google Star Trek 5 to even figure out which title this was, and then watch the extended trailer to be reminded of what the damn thing was about.  However, that two minutes was enough to unlock the repressed memories and like a recovered experience of childhood sexual molestation the horribleness flooded back into the crappy theater of my mind.

The biggest problem with this film was they let Shatner direct it, as well as having a hand in the so called writing.  Honestly, would you take even the greatest NASCAR driver in the world and let him design a car from scratch?  Sure, he might have some great ideas as to features you could use, but he just wouldn’t have the engineering skills to build a great car.  Shatner’s influence is felt in every vomit inducing scene, with an attempt being made to make him look like he wasn’t a out of shape 58 year old.

Anyway, what was happening in 1989?  I was personally in a weird place.  You see, in 1987 I dropped out of UC Irvine to pursue a career as a lifetime ditchdigger.  I got a job working graveyard shift in a medical lab that could be accurately described as hell.  In 1989 I realized this sucked and reapplied to UCI.  In June when this movie came out I was still working graveyard and looking for anything to help me escape the horrible life experience.  This movie looked like a life preserver being tossed to a drowning man, but when it landed it turned out to me made of lead.  That was also the year when I most completely misinterpreted a super hot girl’s interest in me, my family left the house I grew up in to live in a crappy mobile home in Fullerton, CA., and my sister went to live with her super hot friend (who had no interest in me, surprise surprise) in order to graduate high school.

In the world gas was $.97 a gallon, the USSR admitted defeat and left Afghanistan (good thing we were never in there.  Oh, wait), apartheid starts to be dismantled in South Africa, free elections are happening in Poland and Czechoslovakia,  the Berlin Wall falls, the Chinese government runs over students in Tiananmen Square with tanks, the Exxon Valdez dumps 11 million barrels of oil into Prince William Sound, Bush Sr. is elected president, flag burning is legalized by the Supreme Court, Leona Helmsley goes to jail, Toyota launches Lexus, Ted Bundy was executed, Salman Rushdie is sentenced to death for writing a really boring book (some kind of religious thing too, but book critics were harsh in those days), the very first GPS satellites are put in orbit, Game Boy comes out in Japan, the Intel 486 chip comes out, Microsoft releases it’s first version of Office (which I just spent $120 on.  Bastards), and the US Goverenment gives $150 billion to failing banks and savings and loans (ha ha ha.  $150 billion.  Amateurs).

In entertainment, it was mixed.  The Simpsons aired for the first time with some episode that at the time ruled but in retrospect are literally painful to watch.  Movies were Batman, When Harry Met Sally, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, My Left Foot, Dead Poets Society, Ghostbusters II, Twins (oh, Arnold), Honey I Shrunk the Kids (was this movie not kind of a death toll for children’s movies to come?), License to Kill, and the Little Mermaid.  New Kids on the Block were killing American culture.  Other popular music included Duran Duran, Erasure, Prince, Depeche Mode, and Paula Abdul.

Anyway, kind of an up year, in my opinion, if only because I got back into college.  I don’t think this film contributed or denigrated the current cultural clime.

The story.  Shatner starts off by trying to convince the audience that Kirk can free climb El Capitan in Yosemite, a cliff that is considered extremely challenging even for expert rock climbers.  The scene is easily the worst rock climbing scene in cinema history (and yes, I have seen Cliffhanger), and Spocks “rescue” of Kirk when the inevitable happens and Kirk falls Wile E Coyote style suspended my disbelief so high that it if it had fallen it also would have needed a rocket boot powered Spock to save it.

By the way, I’m not kidding about this.  I studied physics in college and rate of decent is a pretty simple equation.  d=1/2gT(squared).  d=distance, g=gravity (in this case, on earth, 32 feet per second, squared), T=Time.  El Capitan is 3,000 feet tall.  Assuming Kirk was near the top (he wasn’t, but we’ll let that slide).  If we plug that in to the equation you end up with a T of 13.69 seconds.  It took Spock at least 4 seconds to completely invert himself, and, theoretically, the same at the bottom, leaving 5.69 seconds of time to accelerate and decelerate.  The g force for the 2.345 seconds he had to catch Kirk should have bent his spine in half.

Anyway, Spock saves Kirk, leading to a campfire scene so awkward I wanted to stick my head in the flames in order to have the sound of my flesh frying drown it out.  Kirk does a bromance monolog about how he can never fail as long as Spock and Bones were around (I guess Scotty was off polishing his widgets or something).  They get called to rescue some hostages on the planet Nimbus III (the Nimbus was Zap Brannigan’s ship on Futurama, by the way.  Subtle).  On Nimbus III they run into Spocks half brother (small universe) who is some kind of full blooded yet super emotional Vulcan (what the hell?) who is on some kind of religious quest to find God (no joke) on a planet at the exact center of the universe.  The center of the universe is behind some kind of barrier (no danger there) and he needs a ship to make it happen.

Meanwhile they are being pursued by some Klingons for no apparent reason.  I guess they are still pissed about Kirk stealing a ship in the Search for Spock?  I really can’t remember.  They land on the planet and meet a creature who is supposed to be God, but who needs a ship to escape.  Not exactly Omnipotent.  The creature goes nuts and Spocks brother has to combat him while the others escape.  It’s all kind of a blur at that point.  Enterprise shoots the creature, the Klingon ship attacks the Enterprise, Kirk beams to the Klingon ship, some kind of hostage thing happens, and somehow peace reigns once more, with Kirk, Spock, McCoy collecting ticks and chiggers in Yosemite once again.

What it had:

The stupidest looking guns in sci fi history (I’m not kidding on this either.  Star Trek has always had guns that look like TV remote controls (or dumber.  This is one of my few issues with Star Trek) but these guns look like you made them out of supplies from a plumbing store and based the design on a Super Soaker).  Rocket boots.  Slapstick (Scotty knocks himself out by walking into a beam.  No danger of brain damage there).  A really stupid prison break (Scotty “blows a hole in the wall” of the brig, which looks like it was made out of drywall and somehow doesn’t kill or injure the guys inside the very small room.  Do the terms “compression” or “spalling” mean nothing?).  An emotional Vulcan.  A religious Vulcan.  A stupid Vulcan.  A Vulcan with a forehead big enough to land a shuttle craft on.  (these are all the same Vulcan, by the way).  The first signs of senility from DeForrest Kelley (watch him at the campfire).  A couple of good lines (“Excuse me?  What does God need with a space ship?”).  In spite of the ego trip, Kirk acting more like Kirk from the series.

What it didn’t have:

A reason to keep me from killing myself.  A coherent plot.  A clear villain.  A prop maker who didn’t ride to work in the short bus.  Hot chicks of any kind. An executive producer, apparently.

So, with a couple of decent moments, overall a bust.  We will see a ray of hope in the next film but at this point in my opinion the franchise is circling the drain.  I need to run but that’s it for now.