So last week Jason was giving me crap for being scared of clowns when he was talking about the new Twisted Metal movie.  Personally I don’t really see this as a weird phobia or mental condition at all.  For any rational, thinking person clowns are freaking evil!  Although not as evil as their horrible cousins, mimes, they cause mayhem and despair wherever their tiny little cars and giant shoes go (by the way, if you happen to agree with me join the I Hate Clowns movement).

Fear of clowns is scientifically called coulrophobia, but I call it having a brain and survival instinct.  I thought I would try to prove my point to Jason and all the other people who think I am weird for this and list my 10 Scariest Clowns of All Time.

10.  Ronald McDonald-I think the first time I realized how evil clowns were was when I was a kid and visited a McDonald’s.  Out front they had a park bench with a statue of Ronald with his arm out so you could sit down and take a picture like a moron or something.  My friend sat there and all of a sudden I got the creepiest feeling ever.  In looking back as an adult I realized that the pose and look was straight up child molester.  However, if you want to count the evilness of clowns based on how much damage and despair they have brought upon the world, from a dietary point of view Ronald McDonald is the Hitler of clowns.  How much garbage has he helped shovel into the waiting maws of future obese diabetics?

9.  Violator from Spawn.  The fat clown that turns into a horrid demon was bad enough in the movie, but trust me when I say he was way worse in the comic book.

8.  the Joker-I am of course a Batman fan and the Joker is my second favorite villain (Two Face is my first).  However, part of the reason he is such a good villain is he is horrible!  I don’t care which one; Jack Nicholson, the cartoon, the comic, Heath Ledger, even Cesar Romero from the TV show.  They are all scary as hell.  (Joker image courtesy of the Batman T-Shirt category)

7.  the clown doll from Poltergeist-ugh.  Thank god I never saw this movie as a kid.  I never would have slept again.  This clown was scary as hell, kept showing up in unexpected places, and never spoke.  Plus, it was a clown.

6.  Sergio from the Last Circus-I don’t think any of you saw this Spanish film, but if you do and don’t suffer from coulrophobia, you will.  In my mind clowns are scary sociopaths anyway, and to see one that actually is a sociopath is god awful.

5.  the zombie clown from Zombieland-this is a nice convergence for my best friend and I.  You see, I fear clowns and he fears zombies.  Works out nicely.  I think part of the reason I loved this movie is the main character shows the rational sense to have a healthy fear of the “c” word.

4.  Captain Spaulding from the Devil’s Rejects and House of 1,000 Corpses-Rob Zombie learned early on how well clowns work in horror films with Halloween and put that experience to good use when he created this character.  Talk about messed up.

3.  the clowns from Killer Klowns from Outer Space-not only are they clowns, but they are from outer space, have huge freaking clown heads, and are here to capture humans in order to encase them in cotton candy and drink their fluids with a crazy straw!  I saw this movie at a friends house and I think my hand print is still impressed on the armrest of his couch.

2.  Sweet Tooth from Twisted Metal-yes, Jason used to make me play this game and always force me to watch the intro showing how Sweet Tooth came to be.  Can you imagine anything scarier than a clown with glowing red eyes and flames for hair driving an ice cream truck armed with enough guns to sink a battleship?  Well, actually I can since Sweet Tooth is only number 2 on my list.

1.  Pennywise from Stephen King’s It-no, not the band.  Only the scariest clown in the history of the universe, who spends his times killing children and not with laughter.  Seeing this guy on screen might have been what pushed me over the top from being kind of creeped out by clowns to full blown terror.

Sorry, but Patch Adams didn’t quite make the list, although it was close.  That’s pretty much it.  I think I am going to see an indy film tonight, so look for a good review tomorrow.  I need to go have a couple drinks and punch Jason in the head for making me relive all this.  Post comments here or follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  You can also email me at david@nerdkungfu.com.  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

Decently, in a standard way.

I am a Denzel Washington fan, and something I learned while watching his best (in my opinion) movie Training Day is he is way more entertaining as a bad guy than a good guy, which is why Safe House works for me.  However, I think one of the main reasons I like Denzel Washington is he actually has a really good eye for scripts and manages to stay away from obvious dogs.  His discriminating tastes is the main reason I will see anything he opts to work on.

That being said, the script for Safe House is on the far end of the good script spectrum for Denzel, almost bordering on the mediocre.  Honestly, if this movie hadn’t had Mr. Washington’s precise delivery and perfect acting ability the flaws in the script would have risen up like scum on the surface of a stagnant pond and filled the theater with the odor of decaying organic matter. The story latches onto ever spy movie cliche like a remora eel and the events connecting the assorted action sequences are tenuous at best, with plot devices so far removed from what would actually make sense that it sometimes feels like you are watching them through a telescope in another solar system.

As for Ryan Reynolds and his performance, I am torn.  On the one hand, in his last few efforts (Green Lantern in particular.  Green Lantern shirt image courtesy of the Comic Book T-Shirt category) I have railed against him constantly playing Van Wilder over and over again; the sleezy pretty party boy who can’t help but smarm and sleep with anything remotely attractive in the movie and to be fair in this film he manages to avoid that role completely.  He is a serious and career minded CIA operative with a girlfriend he loves deeply.  On the other hand, he seems to alternate between looking completely helpless and being a young James Bond.  I can’t even say this was the result of a decent character arc, with him being inexperienced at the beginning and developing into a hard case by the end.  Instead the movie changes gears back and forth without warning, with his character either hiding in a dark corner (literally) or ruthlessly gunning down whatever gets in his way.

The story is of young Matt Weston (Ryan Reynolds-Green Lantern, the Change Up, Buried), a CIA operative who is basically a hotel keeper at a secret safe house in Cape Town.  Tobin Frost (Denzel Washington-Training Day, Man on Fire, Inside Man) is a traitor and super spy who gets himself captured.  He is placed in Matt’s safe house where a team of Aryan Army looking CIA guys are going to water board and torture him for whatever he was doing in Cape Town (selling some top secret information, but honestly the actual reasons for most of the movie seem pretty inconsequential).  While they are in the process another team of guys attacks and kills pretty much everyone.  Watson takes Tobin out at gunpoint and the long, long chase begins.  He is being pursued by some bad guys while being ordered by his superiors to do different dumb stuff.  Tobin is a master of human manipulation and works on getting into Matt’s head.

Honestly, I can’t get much more into the story without more or less giving it all away.  Spy hijinks ensues.  Stuff blows up.  Guys get shot.  There are about as many cliches as bullets fired, including the ending.

The stars.  Denzel Washington.  Two stars.  Denzel Washington playing a villain rather than a hero.  One star.  The action was all pretty good and exciting, if a little repetitive.  One star.  The romance subplot, which normally would I find distracting and worthless, actually added a lot to the story.  It gave Tobin a real tool to get into Matt’s head and screw with him, which added a lot to the story.  One star.  The interaction between Tobin and Matt was really well done, and pulled you into the story in many ways that the plot did not.  Two stars.  Generally entertaining.  Two stars.  Total: nine stars.

The black holes.  Weak script.  Two black holes.  Inconsistent tone from Ryan Reynold’s character.  One black hole.  Spy story cliches we have all seen in about fifty movies, including the ending.  One black hole.  Some pretty gaping plot holes.  One black hole.  Total: five black holes.

A grand total of four stars.  Not bad, but to be honest not what I expect from a movie Denzel Washington chooses to star in.  Also, if anyone else had been cast in his role the movie probably would have swung into the black hole zone.  Worth seeing?  Sure, if you don’t want to follow the plot too closely.  The action is the best part after Denzel’s performance, so it might be worth seeing on a big screen.  Date movie?  Meh.  Maybe, if she is into this sort of thing, or Denzel Washington (or, for that matter, Ryan Reynolds).  On the other hand odds are you will suffer in comparison to either of those two guys, so consider it carefully.

Thanks for reading.  More movies coming out this weekend.  I will probably see the Vow, about as chick flick as a movie can get.  If I am feeling the need to expel mass quantities of bile I might see Mysterious Island 2 but I can already tell how that is going to suck.  I am torn regarding seeing The Phantom Menace 3D.  On the one hand I don’t want to give even a dime to support such mediocre movie making or George Lucas.  On the other hand, since I did not have this blog going when I first saw it I might enjoy doing the review.  I think what I might do is buy a ticket for a movie that I like (Chronicle, for example) and then just sneak in to the other theater.  I have some 3D glasses lying around here somewhere.  Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu.  I’ve noticed I don’t get a ton of comments for specific requests or blog ideas so if you would like to contact me without posting simply email me feel free to do so at david@nerdkungfu.com.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

Pretty much the senior year in High School I always dreamed of.

How does this sound familiar?  A introverted high school geek is abused by his alcoholic father and all of his so-called peers.  Ignored by girls, pushed around by bullies, and spending each day in an alienating Skinner box of loneliness.  Then, through some set of mysterious (and blatantly unexplained) phenomenon he gains super powers and uses them to wreck most of his town and punish all who had ever wronged him.  To be honest, I really didn’t have to see Chronicle as I wrote the script for it pretty much every day in my head throughout high school and for a bunch of years after that.

First off, this movie is pretty freaking amazing.  Found footage is a little overplayed these days, but in this case it is used to present some pretty amazing concepts and really good characters, each with their own personality and priorities.  Plus it is about kids with super powers.  Additionally I was really impressed with the acting and performances of the three kids, and the found footage aspect of the movie felt incredibly organic and real.

It’s usually at this point in one of my reviews where I say something like “That’s not to say the movie doesn’t have it’s faults, which we will go into detail shortly”.  However, as I sit here reflecting on my cinema experience I honestly can’t think of anything that bugged me about this film.  I’ll try to think about something before I get to the black holes, but overall I think this was an excellent movie.

The story is of Andrew (Dane DeHaan-In Treatment, True Blood, the Front), an introverted geek treated with abuse and contempt and disregard by pretty much everyone around him except for his cousin Matt (Alex Russell-Almost Kings, the Best Man, Wasted on the Young).  He buys an old camera to document his life but it is also implied he is using it as a defense against his abusive father (Micheal Kelly-Adjustment Bureau, Dawn of the Dead, Unbreakable)  and the people around him, as well as film the last days of his dying mother (Bo Peterson-the Wooden Camera, Endgame, the Bone Snatcher).  Matt drags him to a rave in a barn somewhere.  After a few minutes of him looking and acting painfully out of place (lots of deja vu there for me as well) he gets dragged out of the parking lot by the most popular kid in school, Steve (Micheal B. Jordan-Friday Night Lights, House M.D., Red Tails) who wants him to use his camera to film something weird in a field.  It is a tunnel leading down.  Matt, Steve, and Andrew all descend, where they see a big glowing thing that gives them all telekinetic ability.

At this point the film turns into a documentary of the three boys as they develop and strengthen their abilities, as well as their friendships.  They run around doing what teenage boys would given God-like powers: play pranks on people and laughing their asses off.  As things develop they gain more and more powers, including flight and invulnerability.  Meanwhile, Andrews friendship with Steve helps him gain popularity, at least until he gets drunk at a party and embarrasses himself in front of a girl, who blabs it all over the school proving once again that women are evil (oops did I type that part out loud?).

Anyway, things take place that many people may interpret as a dark turn but which I saw the inevitable conclusion of an abused geek gaining powers, showing once again that geeks are to be feared and respected, not abused.  Paybacks are a bitch, and he starts dealing it wholesale.  He also is motivated to find money to help his sick mother.  I don’t want to get too much into the rest of the story.  Nothing will really surprise you too much, but I found it enjoyable nevertheless.

The stars.  Really well done found footage movie.  Two stars.  The character development was really strong for all three guys, and the interaction between the three felt very real and believable.  Two stars.  Good acting from the three main guys.  One star.  While the film was found footage, the directors managed to find really clever ways of making it not suffer from the usual gremlins of found footage films: Captain Shaky-motion-sickness-inducement and his sidekick Corp. There’s-always-one-main-character-missing-from-the-scene.  I thought the use and placement of the cameras really clever and well done.  One star.  For being low budget the special effects were pretty cool.  One star.  Dialog was good and real also.  One star.  Overall a lot of fun.  Two stars.  Total: ten stars.

The black holes.  I think I did come up with a couple, but the really cool thing about the way this film was filmed was there doesn’t really feel like you need any of the missing information explained to you.  For that matter, the missing information and unexplored sub plots actually adds to the story in this format.  I will say that while the movie was good I think it would have been better if they had gone for the R rating.  The PG-13 choices they were forced to make left a lot of the scenes feeling  a little flat.  One black hole.  I will also say I was hoping Andrew would do more to his miserable class mates.  That is really just me, but there it is.  One black hole.  Total: two black holes.

So a grand total of eight stars, and the best movie I have seen so far this year.  I thought this was really good, and odds are you will enjoy the heck out of it.  It is more of a superhero film than anything else (and about 1,000 times more entertaining than big budget bomb Green Lantern.  GL image courtesy of the Comic Book T-Shirt category) so treat it as such when trying to decide to bring a date to this.  If she is looking forward to seeing The Avengers then she might enjoy this.  If not she will be bored and in that case see it with your other nerd friends.

Thanks everyone for reading.  These blogs are getting to be more and more fun to do, and I am now using my daily stats as a measure of my worth as a human being.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  Thanks again, and talk to you soon.

Dave

So I guess DC has announced that they are going to develop a prequel for the Watchmen and I ask the ultimate question, why?  I think everything you ever needed to know about the events before the movie or comic were related in some of the best story telling possible, without a lot of extra crap.  The montage opening at the beginning of the movie after the Comedian takes his dive is one of the best ever and managed to relate a huge sequence of impressions and events without even saying a single word.  This image, by the way, is from the DC comic t shirts.

I guess the ultimate answer is, of course, money.  I don’t really collect and read comics but I know Dave will buy one of these like the sucker he is.  It will probably sell really well and lead into another multi million dollar movie, but really, do we need to see how Dollar Bill gets killed or Mothman loses his mind?  All these things really become overexplained when delivered in detail.  Honestly, I think this is another sign of big media doing what it can to suck as much money out of nerds pockets at possible.  Anyone else feeling like a sheep?

Jason

So apparently Snooki from the Jersey Shore is knowledgeable enough about comic books to actually contribute to a debate about who would in in a Jean Grey/Wolverine fight.  The answer, baring anything weird happening, is obviously Jean Grey.  Wolverine is cool, but all Jean has to do is fly out of range of his claws and then telekineticely launch him into the sun.  Finally a true test of how indestructible adamantium really is.

So on the one hand it’s cool that any girl can actually participate in a comic book discussion in any way.  On the other hand, it’s freaking Snooki and it’s freaking the Jersey Shore!  I so want anything I am interested in to stay off that radar screen.  So what is the answer?  Cool or not?  That Wolverine face comes from a very cool Wolverine t-shirt that I have, by the way.

Dave just yelled across the room that he is going to see Haywire tonight and probably George Lucas’s last gasp Red Tails tomorrow, so you can look forward to a couple more of his long winded movie reviews this weekend.

Jason

My name is Jason, and I’m coming on board with Dave as his loyal sidekick, kind of like Robin only not so wimpy (Robin shirt from the Batman T Shirt category).  I am going to be posting here reasonably often about nerd stuff I see in order to have this blog do what it is supposed to do and give Dave more time to work on his actual job.

Dave is going to keep on doing all the movie reviews and long nerd rants, and odds are won’t slow down on them.  I really don’t have that kind of free time, since I actually have a life, and will be keeping my posts short and sweet.  Mostly I will be keeping an eye out for interesting nerd facts about upcoming movies, comic books, and so on.  One that I heard the other day has to do with the fact that they are likely to make the Expendables 2 PG-13 instead of R.  Big mistake in my opinion, as PG-13 is a recipe for suck.  Word on the street (or internet) is that this was a requirement put forth by tough guy Chuck Norris, as he feels the need for kids to see him in all his middle aged glory.  Guess what, Chuck?  No one young enough to be affected by an R rating gives a rats ass about you.  Get over yourself.

Jason

I really can’t decide what kind of movie this is or if it was actually good or bad.

I’m going to coin a new descriptive phrase and expect every other review who uses it to send me a $.25 royalty: script confusion.  This describes a movie that can’t decide what kind of movie it wants to be when it grows up.  This film was torn between a crime drama and an action movie.  The crime drama felt awkward and haphazard, especially when it is established 10 minutes in that the main protagonist is reputably the greatest smuggler who ever lived.  Throughout the crime aspects of the movie the story seems to indicate that secretly it wants to be an action film but, like a transgendered man taking her first steps in high heels, when we actually get to the action scenes they feel awkward, comedic, and tacked on.

That’s not to say this movie is bad.  I found that it’s many shortcomings were often times balanced out by it’s more virtuous aspects.  The comical gunfight and getaway is balanced out by some very clever smuggling tricks.  The over the top main bad guy is balanced out by the very entertaining ship captain.  The continuous sequence of narrow escapes is balanced out by a decent plot twist that comes about fairly organically.  In fact, the whole movie seems so perfectly balanced that I can’t help but think this was intentional on the part of the director, Baltasar Kormákur.  I have in the last year become a big fan of Scandinavian film makers (check out my review of Trollhunter), and while is filmography lacks a lot of main stream releases (Jar City, A Little Trip to Heavan, the Sea) it looks like he might be worth keeping an eye on.

The story.  A loser kid Andy (Caleb Landry Jones-X-Men First Class, No Country for Old Men, the Last Exorcist) dumps a cargo of drugs overboard a freighter when it gets boarded by customs agents and now owes a ton of dough to the local campy bad guy Tim Briggs (Giovanni Ribisi-Avatar (the corporate guy), Saving Private Ryan, Gone in 60 Seconds), who is going to kill him in horrible ways if he doesn’t get his money.  Andy is the brother of Kate (Kate Beckensale-Underworld, the Aviator, Pearl Harbor) who is married to the most famous smuggler that ever lived, Chris Farraday (Marky Mark Wahlberg-Boogie Nights, the Fighter, the Other Guys).  Now it is up to Chris to find the money to pay off Briggs, and given that he has retired from smuggling in order to be a blue collar business owner, his only option is to go back into smuggling.  He is aided by long time friend Sebastian (Ben Foster-the Mechanic, the Messenger, 3:10 to Yuma), who has also gone legit with a construction business.  They plan to smuggle in a huge stack of counterfeit money (yay for supporting the American economy!) on another freighter.

Somehow he and Andy get hired onto another freighter headed to Panama and meet up with a number of supporting characters plucked fresh from the the ground of the stereotype farm.  Once on board Chris catches the eye of the ship captain (the great J.K. Simmons-J. Jonah Jamison from the Spiderman franchise, Juno, the Closer.  Spiderman image courtesy of the Marvel T Shirt category), who was easily my favorite character and knows of Chris’s history and is instantly suspicious.  They get to Panama in about 45 minutes where Chris gets involved in some kind of local gang lord crime spree.  At that point the movie shifts gears into what I like to call the Scooby Doo chase sequence, where the story and characters progress only by the most ridiculous sequence of perfect timing and coincidence, like when the bad guy in the rubber costume is chasing Scooby and Shaggy through the corridor with the six doors (you know what I’m talking about).  This part feels more that a little hackneyed, which surprised me as most of the rest of the movie seemed pretty well put together.  Either Baltasar (what a cool name.  I want to name my hypothetical son Baltasar) was trying to convey something I am too dense to pick up on, or he caved in to outside pressure from the studio to make the movie somehow more exciting by hoisting the audiences disbelief a little higher up.

Anyway, smuggling hijinks ensues.  A lot of time is spent looking into shipping containers.  Some kind of interesting plot twists reveal themselves.

The stars.  Decent story.  One star.  Direction was pretty good.  One star.  In spite of the whole Scooby Doo portion, overall the pacing was right on target.  There was no time that I felt bored or that things were dragging or progressing too fast.  One star.  Mark Wahlberg delivered a credible performance, in spite of the occasional campy dialog.  One star.  Decent plot twists, although a perceptive person might have seen them coming ahead of time.  One star.  Captain Camp was great.  One star.  In total a decent film that was enjoyable in a kind of bland way, like chewing on gum that has already lost it’s flavor.  One star.  Total: seven stars.

The black holes.  A movie that is rated R for language is a huge waste of potential.  It’s like going to jail for stealing socks.  If you are going to eat the R rating anyway you might as well throw in more horrific violence, blood, and some nudity.  One black hole.  Some of the characters, Briggs in particular, seem really over the top.  One black hole.  Some ocean container sized plot holes.  One black hole.  Almost all the characters worked on having some kind of New Orleans accent except for Wahlberg, who in spite of the fact that his character supposedly grew up on the Big Easy sounded like he just got off the plane from Beantown.  One black hole.   While it seemed like a decent movie, I walked out feeling no real connection to the story or any of it’s characters, and honestly struggled this morning to remember the plot and my feelings for it.  Definitely a forgettable film.  One black hole.  Total: five black holes.

A grand total of two stars.  Meh.  You won’t feel like you wasted your time or money seeing this, but a week afterward it won’t really stick with you.  If you can see it cheap cool.  If you wait until DVD you won’t really lose anything.  There aren’t any cinemagraphics that requires a big screen.  Date movie?  Sure.  Exciting and interesting enough to keep her into it while being bland enough to not offend or overstimulate her.  Marky Mark keeps his shirt on for pretty much the whole film so you don’t have to worry about the comparison factor too much.  However, this movie is kind of neutral in that it will neither help or hurt you in your campaign to seduce her, so if you haven’t closed the deal yet try to find something more enticing (or better yet, do something more fun and exciting than a movie).

Thanks for reading.  I will eventually get the rest of my best of 2011 stuff done, but there are a bunch of new movies I want to see.  My best friend tells me he wants my review on Joyful Noise.  I will see it, but I suspect he is just screwing with me because he knows this film will drive me nuts.  Also I am working on another huge project for work, so I might not get a lot done in the next week or so.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

Time to get into this.  First of all, this is actually the best and worst movies of 2011 that I actually saw and reviewed, for the most part.  If I missed something you think is supposed to be here, my apologies.  I am going to do this Oscar style by listing the candidates for my fake awards and then let you know the winner.  I think each post in this series I will give a few of my bitter joke awards and end up with one or two good one.

The “Who Brought This Guy Award” for the most unnecessary, worthless, or unasked for sequel of the year.  The candidates are: the Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part I, Johnny English Reborn, Columbiana, and The Hangover Part II.  Johnny English seems to be the obvious choice, but when you think about it the reasons for this sequel make total sense: ripping off as many foreign viewers as possible.  The bitterness that resides deep in the heart of the voting Academy (one member, me) makes me inclined to go with the Hangover, but I think if the movie going audience had been poled prior to this abortion being released most people would have said a sequel was a good idea.  Yes, the winner of the Who Brought This Guy Award goes to Columbiana.  It was originally written as a sequel to the Professional, a film that in no way ever needed a sequel.  Also it was pretty miserable as a stand alone movie.

The “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” award for the flattest, most robot-like emotionless performance(s) of the year.  The candidates are Nicholas Cage for Season of the Witch and Drive Angry, Ryan Gosling for Drive, Robert the tire from Rubber, the dead cosmonaut from Apollo 18, and Atom the fighting robot from Real Steel.  The winner, barely beating out the dead cosmonaut, has to be Nicholas Cage.  Congratulations.

The “Accidentally drank from the Drano can instead of my beer award” (AKA the George Inman (my father) memorial award) for the movie that I thought was going be great and instead felt like I was being shot naked with a paintball gun for two hours.  The candidates are The Green Hornet, The Green Lantern, Conan the Barbarian, Battle Los Angeles, The Hangover Part II, the Killer Elite, and The Adventures of Tintin.  In terms of biggest level of anticipation followed by biggest fall, this Nerdy can only go to the Green Lantern.  I had so much hope for this movie, and was so bitterly disappointed.  (Green Lantern image courtesy of the Comic Book t shirt category)

The “Purposely drank from the Drano can” award for the movie that I totally expected to suck and it did.  The candidates are New Years Eve, Jack and Jill, Footloose, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, What’s Your Number, the Change Up, and I am Number Four.  This Nerdy is near and dear to my heart, as it is my chance to feel good about how smart and perceptive I am.  Bucky Larson was a contender, but I have to give it to Jack and Jill, the movie equivalent of passing a baseball sized kidney stone.

The “Dave is an idiot” award for the movie I expected to suck and turned out great.  The candidates are Fast Five, Bridesmaids, Friends with Benefits, Our Idiot Brother, Don’t be Afraid of the Dark, Warrior, and the Thing.  Honestly, I am going to have to go with the Thing.  I thought it was going to be another mediocre remake of a great movie, and instead it was a brilliant prequel to a great movie.  Kudos.

The “I wish I had a hot car and girlfriend” award for the best driving movie.  This year there were only  three eligible.  Drive, Drive Angry, and Fast Five.  I am going to have to give this Nerdy to Fast Five.  I was really surprised how much I enjoyed it.  The other two were retrospectively a boring arsty noir film and a bad grindhouse spoof.

That’s it for today.  Warhammer tonight and I have to compose a new list.  More awards tomorrow.  Thanks for reading.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  By the way, I saw the trailer for the Hobbit and, while it looks decent like detecting a lump in my testicles I am starting to see signs that the cancer of remaking great stories to suit Hollywood creeping its way into this film.  It’s been years since I read the Hobbit, but I don’t recall Bilbo Baggins spending a lot of time in Elrond looking at the Shards of Narsil.  He was there, but it was pretty brief.  Also, I couldn’t be sure but I think they stuck a human into the party besides Gandalf with the dwarfs.  Also someone told me they managed to crowbar Arwen into the the story.  You know, in a story as rich as the Hobbit I think it’s OK to not have a pretty face in there worthlessly.  I don’t know if any of this is true, but I hope they aren’t going to ruin this in order to make a few more bucks.  I’ll let you know what else I hear.

Dave

Pretty damned good.

It is always nice to see something decent after being subjected to the film equivalent of a flesh eating virus.  Thursday night I dragged myself to New Years Eve, and truly regretted it.  Last night I went to see Sherlock Holmes and was reminded that there is still some good in the world (of movies).  This movie is in all ways entertaining and exciting, with great writing, dialog, acting, and action.

It is, of course, a grandiose story of Sherlock Holmes, the greatest fictional detective ever (actually, I would claim Batman as the greatest fictional detective ever, but that’s just a personal preference.  Batman image courtesy of the Batman T Shirt category) and his friend Dr. Watson.  They are attempting to prevent the infamous Moriarty from literally destroying Western Civilization.

I’m not going to get too deep into the story, as I spent literally hours yesterday writing up that dumb New Years movie and have a lot to do today, but it starts off with Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.-Iron Man, of course) dealing with the impending marriage of his long time companion Dr. Watson (Jude Law-actually, some good movies here that no one but me likes.  The Road to Perdition, Cold Mountain, and Enemy at the Gates to name a few).  Meanwhile, he rescues a hot Gypsy fortune teller (Naomi Rapace-the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo et al) who’s brother is involved in a secret plan cooked up by Moriarty (Jared Harris-Natural Born Killers, Resident Evil Apocalypse).  They are aided by Holmes’ brother Mycroft (Stephen Fry-V for Vendetta, a bunch of other roles calling for a smarmy over-educated pasty white guy).  I expect you all to see this film, so I don’t want to throw too much into this.  Stuff blows up, Holmes deduces stuff, and a lot of fairly cool action occurs.

The stars.  I know I’m a sucker for English accents, but the dialog couldn’t be more perfect.  The language and diction was perfectly in period of the late 19th century England.  Two stars.  Well written story.  Two stories.  Excellent performances by literally everyone.  Two stars.  They did this really cool quick cut sequences thing to show how Sherlock Holmes’s deductive brain worked.  One star.  There were some shooting and running slow motion action scenes that were really cool.  One star.  A couple of really cool plot twists.  One star.  There was a ton of really funny humor seamlessly mixed into the dialog.  One star.  The onscreen relationship between Watson and Holmes felt really real and genuine.  I know this is just a reflection of the excellent acting talents of Robert and Jude, but still it was refreshing to see.  One star.  Mycroft was outstanding in every scene he was in.  One star.  So was Moriarty.  One star.  And two bonus stars for a good movie experience.  Total: fourteen stars.

The black holes.  This is just a reflection of my own stupidity, but the combination of Robert Downey Jr. fast deliver plus the English accent meant I kept missing what I felt were either funny or plot critical points.  One black hole, although that’s really for my slow brain.  I felt the whole Dr. Watson marriage and his wife’s character were kind of unnecessary.  I don’t think they added much to the story, especially once the wife more or less fell off the screen.  One black hole.  That’s it.  Two black holes.

In the vexing but not black hole worthy, I really only have one and it galls me like a burning coal in my gut to say this, but I honestly think this movie would have been better in 3D.  Gah, I can’t believe I just wrote that!  I hate 3D.  However, there were a number of scenes involving artillery shells, knives, and bullets that would have looked cool in 3D.  OK, I said it.  I’m going to go flagellate myself after finishing this review in punishment.

So a grand total of twelve stars and my recommendation that you see it in the theater.  Some of the epic scenes will lose impact on a smaller screen.  Good date movie, as your date will probably be entertained by the clever English dialog.  Also she could possibly fill you in on any of the dialog you missed (going to the movies by yourself sucks.  Trust me, I know).

Sorry about the short review, but when I like a movie I don’t usually find a lot to write about.  I am happy to report that the movie I unleashed all the bile in my life upon yesterday, New Years Eve, tanked horribly and is being counted as a film failure in spite of the celebrity lineup.  Well, done, America.  You reaffirm my faith in humanity.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

Better than the trailer makes it out to be.

I’ll admit, I enjoy cartoons and will see a movie that catches my eye, even if it’s made for kids.  I do feel kind of creepy being in a theater with a bunch of children and bored parents, but this was nothing like the last Winnie the Pooh experience.  As a rule, when I go to a kids film I sit by myself and don’t talk to or look at anyone in hopes no one notices me.

Actually, now that I think about it, that is my policy for pretty much all the movies I see.  My life sucks.

Anyway, I was not really gung ho to see this movie, mainly because the trailers managed to unsell it for me.  Another example of failure in marketing.  The trailers really made it looks at the same time both sappy sweet and over the top silly.  In truth it was neither of those.  It was fun, clever, entertaining, and above all well executed.  As a rule I suspend my usual star/black hole rating system for kids movies, as dropping black holes on a film designed to entertain seven year olds is a move that would give the Grinch pause.  That being said, I honestly wouldn’t have found a lot of black holes to give it.  Maybe it’s just a little too polished.  Other than that it’s pretty good.  It’s no Kiss Saves Christmas, but still fun to watch.

It started off on a bad note, however, by subjecting me and the soft brained impressionable youth of America to a “music” video by girly man/boy Justin Bieber singing a “rock” version of some Christmas carol.  Is there anything remotely masculine about that guy?  I know he’s like 17 or something but by the time was that age I had been in fights with more guys than I had friends, played football, wrestled, set fire to a shockingly large amount of private property, spent seven months in a Bolivian prison, and had facial hair.  The ironic part is he is adored by girls his age while I was the dating equivalent of athletes foot.  The other part that drove me nuts was during the video, when they were not performing their “dance” routine, they were treating us to clips from the MOVIE WE WERE ABOUT TO WATCH!  Really?  Is a blank screen and a cone of silence that much to ask for?  Seriously, whoever was in charge of marketing for this film should be taken behind the woodshed and shot.

Anyway, once I got over the suck part and into the movie proper, it warmed up nicely.  It is Christmas Eve and Santa is making his run around the world, delivering presents with the help of about 1,000,000,000 elves and a high tech super sleigh that looks like an Apple store threw up all over it.  We are treated to high tech Mission Impossible cut scenes as the elves zip line down from the S1 and B&E their way through the world, delivering gifts to good children.  Santa is really more of a figurehead, as the entire high tech operation is being run by his oldest son, Steve, a macho guy who runs things with military efficiency and all the warmth and holiday spirit of a roadkill.  Meanwhile, his younger brother Arthur, a bumbling klutz, stumbles around messing things up while trying to read all the childrens letters and relate the relevant contents to Santa and Steve.

Steve dreams of being the next Santa (apparently, rather than being an immortal “jolly old elf” Santa is an inherited position, passed from father to son.  Incidentally, the current Santas real name is Malcolm.  Meanwhile, during a particularly intricate operation, a gift for a young girl named Gwen gets lost.  No one realizes that until after everything is shut down.  At that point both Santa and Steve kind of blow it off and it’s up to Arthur to deliver the gift.  He recruits his grandfather, a former Santa and curmudgeonly old bastard, to help him.  They find the old sleigh and reindeer, and head off.  They are joined by Bryony, an elf who specializes in gift wrapping.  She is actually my favorite character.

Anyway, Xmas chaos ensues.  The world is convinced that aliens are invading.  Certain characters are reminded of the true meaning of Christmas.  You end up feeling good at the end.

Like I said, I won’t do the whole stars and black holes for a kid movie.  I will say that 3D, while normally horrible for the average film, works really well for CGI cartoons.  The best way to judge a kids movie, IMO, is by how the kids in the theater are reacting to it and in this case they were laughing their asses off.  Great movie for kids.  It’s clever enough to keep the parents engaged, although I don’t think it has enough meat on it to be worth seeing without kids (unless you plan to review it).

Thanks for reading.  I’m off to watch the Last Starfighter at Bad Movie Night.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.

By the way, I’m hearing some seriously scary things out of the new Batman movie.  As much as I am attracted to Anne Hathaway (and really, I am) I have said from the start I don’t think she could ever pull off Catwoman.  Word is she is kind of butchering it, and wears a utility belt with an iPhone carrier.  Also, Christopher Nolan is apparently channeling the spirit of Joel Schumacher from Batman and Robin by taking the highly intelligent  South American super villain Bane and turning him into a muscle bound thug.  Really, if you want a thug just do Killer Croc.  It’s not rocket science.  My best friend keeps telling me to keep the faith in that Christopher Nolan has yet to fail us, but this whole deal is really starting to smell of suck.  Maybe he wants to ruin the Batman franchise for the next director, like Sam Raime did with Spiderman 3.  I swear if Bruce Wayne goes emo and does a moody swing dance number while Catwoman sings I will beat the first person to tell me they liked the movie to a pulp.

I’m kidding about that, of course.  I am a pretty non violent guy.  Besides, why take my anger out on some hapless moron when I can use this blog to burn the director to my hearts content.  I don’t know.  It could be good.  I’m just worried.  I’ll try to keep up to date on what is going on, and talk about what I hear on future posts.  Also, if the movie does both suck and blow, you can count on me to explain why and how in excruciating detail right here.  Thanks again.  Talk to you soon.  Catwoman image, by the way, courtesy of the Batman T Shirt category.

Dave