Another topic that will inevitably come up on the first date will be your family and the nature of your relationship with them (Family Guy shirt image courtesy of the cartoon t shirt category).

A negative relationship with your family can really put the average girl off.  Don’t fall into the trap of having her tell you how horrible her relationship is and then assume that means she will be cool with your bad relationship.  Double standards exist everywhere.  She will not want to hear about how bad your family life is no matter how bad hers is.

On the other hand, if you gush too much about your family, especially your mother, you will look like a mama’s boy.  A girl in the process of evaluating your ability to be a partner does not want to have to compete with your mother.  Basically you need to strike a balance between loving and messed up.

Each person’s life is different, and in this you should not be making stuff up as if you develop a relationship this will bite you on the ass.  Instead, tell the truth but use an old sales technique I used to use when I would be selling products I wasn’t gung ho for I like to call “Finding the Positive.”

For example, it would be fair to say my relationship with my father was not Ward Clever and the Beav.  However, when I talk about him I try to stay focused on the few fun things we did, and try to see some of the messed up stuff he did in a humorous light.  In retrospect most of the things he did that bordered on abuse can be seen as just quirky and funny (by the way, in my free time I am writing stories about my childhood with him).

By the same token, I am very close to my mother.  However, I don’t mention that I talk to her pretty much every other day.  I talk about being close but I don’t harp on it.

As for your brothers and sisters, feel free to say anything you want, as a messed up relationship with a sibling is not an abnormal thing.  Just make sure you end the story with something like “We used to fight all the time, and I don’t talk to him/her much anymore, but of course I still love him/her).

By the way, brothers, sisters, and cousins can be a great source of amusing anecdotes that don’t actually reveal a lot about you.  I have yet to even tap that keg, but believe me there is no shortage of material.

OK, you’ve let her blab for an hour or so, and a novice dater will let her go all night and think they are doing well.  The problem is, after any date most women get together with a friend or two and go into play-by-play analysis, kind of like one of those post game shows you see after sporting events but actually more like a live vivisection.  They will go into every nuance and detail.  She might have enjoyed the date while she was talking the whole time but will come to the conclusion that “He was easy to talk to, but I still don’t know a lot about him.  I wonder what is is hiding?”

Women are naturally suspicious of men in most circumstances, and honestly unless you look like Brad Pitt they are looking for any excuse to drop you like a bad habit (Fight Club image courtesy of the movie t shirt category).  I have said dating is like moving across a mine field, and in many ways it is, but I also see your date as occasionally chucking grenades at you.  Not in a malicious, actually-trying-to-kill-you sort of way, but more if you aren’t paying attention you will get blown up pretty bad.

So you are now required to tell her something about yourself.  The best thing you can do is try to boil your life down into some amusing, self-depreciating anecdotes.  Tell her about where you grew up (as a rule, try to make it sound as much like Mayberry as possible.  You will seem cooler coming from bucolic small town America than some kid growing up on the gritty streets.  The weird part is she will want you to seem kind of gritty and street wise, but in general I have found that women don’t like to hear about a gritty and street wise childhood), your family (whom you love a lot, but who all have humorous habits that drive you crazy, making it OK to only talk to them once in a while, except your mom, whom you speak with at least a couple times a week), your job (which you enjoy and are upbeat about, but are looking to move up to something else.  Be specific), the neighborhood you live in (more on that in a second), and your friends.

I want to get into more in depth on each of these little sub-topics, but for this one lets discuss the neighborhood you live in.  No matter how you spin it, it will fall into one of three basic categories in her mind: bland suburban hell hole, urban ghetto, or upper class whatever.  If it is an upper class neighborhood than no spin is necessary.  She will be duly impressed.  Of course, if you live in one of those areas I don’t know why you are even reading this.  You should be getting hooked up on a regular basis with that kind of scratch.

So how to spin the other two types of neighborhoods to seem less lame or dangerous?  If you live in the suburbs you need to emphasis how close to the nearest decent metropolis and how much time you actually spend there.  Go ahead and lie about it, as odds are unless she lives in the metropolis she will lie about how she spends every weekend in the city rather than cruising strip malls out in Antioch.  Talk about how you used to live in the urban environment (anywhere.  You must have lived in a big city at some point in your life) and got tired of the traffic/crime/phony people.  The only really good excuse for living in the suburbs is if you bought a house out there, but if you don’t own then do your best.

If you live in the city odds are it is a crappy neighborhood (mine is).  This is bad in that many women don’t like to feel like they are in any kind of danger, so be sure to not tell any stories about the crack dealer across the street or how many cars were burned in the last set of riots.  Instead, play up all the wonderful cultural experiences available just around the corner.  Be it ethnic food, a local club, an independent theater that shows artsy films, or a non-Starbucks coffee house decorated to look like the inside of an alien spaceship (this was a place I used to frequent in Los Angeles.  They made great peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches.  If you haven’t tried one I highly recommend them), make sure you talk about how cool it is and how often you can be found there.

That’s really the best you can do.  Just know that either living situation has it’s down points for most women and try to ameliorate the damage.  Also, know that most women will be inclined to prefer one of the other, and inevitably you will live in the wrong one.  Thus is the nature of dating life.

More topics later.

I am going to start a whole new section here.  We have talked about what to avoid but now you are in the zone of actually coming up with something to talk about.  This is a bit of a tough subject and I think it will end up going a few posts.

The best thing to talk about is her.  Let her tell you about her life, her pets, her parents, what she studied in college, and which bead stores have the best selection of ceramics (I could only dream of a girl who was into beading, or for that matter anything at all.  Most of the girls I meet seem to have no interests whatsoever).  The problem is you can’t just space out while she blabs on.  You actually have to pay attention.  She is setting traps to catch you in on the next date when she says something like “Remember what I told you about my cat who got caught in the combine?”  The correct response to an obvious trap like this is  “You mean the one you called Tripod?” not “You had a cat?”  Remembering and referencing details she has told you will help you score points on the later dates, and can also save you some pain if she is the type to tell you the same stories over and over again.

So encourage her to drone on.  The big mistake here (and one that I still fall into all the time) is having her tell you something painfully boring but reminds you of something funny from your  life that you feel compelled to tell her about.  Next thing you know dinner is over and you have done nothing but tell her stories of your childhood or t-shirt selling website.

The next thing you need to do is look and act like you care about whatever she is talking about.  Pay attention, look her in the eyes, ask insightful, provocative questions, and encourage her to give you details.  This takes practice, but once you learn it you can kill an hour easy.  (I don’t care t shirt courtesy of the novelty t shirt category)

Of course, it helps immensely if you are actually interested, not only for the date flow but also for the possibility of an actual relationship.  My cousin reads this blog and she will beat me if I indicate there have been dates wherein I wasn’t really interested in the girl’s life story but feigned interest.  I guess I am due for a beating.

Anyway, this is a good way to start off the date.  Unfortunately it will not suffice.  We’ll go into some other things to talk about on the next post.

It’s now time to impress your date with your wit and verve, or at least not weird her out to the point that she runs out into the night screaming.  This is harder than you would think, and honestly even if you are good at it is probably the most onerous part of the date.  However, once you get into the swing of it you can have a lot of fun and still not freak out your date.

When we spoke about opening conversations I stressed not actually talking about anything actually about you or her.  You were supposed to discuss observational things from around you.  Unfortunately, at this point you are now obligated to actually tell her stuff about you, which is a trap on the order of the Hellraiser cube.

(image courtesy of the movie t shirt category)

As always, however, before we get into what we can safely talk about I have to go into what you cannot talk about.  Here is a partial list:

1.  Any issues or problems you have.  This is all stuff you discuss on the third date.

2.  Any ex-girlfriend.

3.  Religion or politics unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure you totally agree with her.

4.  Anything medical.

5.  Your horrible relationship with any of your family members, especially either parent (this one has bit me on the ass many times.  The ghost of my father haunts me to this day).

6.  Your nerdiest habits, unless she is a true nerd too.  It’s OK to tell her you like Star Wars, but don’t go into a diatribe about how TOS is far superior to TNG.  Never admit you go to any kind of convention that supports your bad habits.  Don’t talk about anything you collect, unless it’s money. Eventually she will learn about your comic book collection and weird obsession with Farscape, but honestly I would wait until you get her into your bed.  If she is truly the one for you she will accept your nerd habits eventually, but you don’t have to unload both barrels into her fact in the first hour.  Let the pressure build over time instead of hitting her full bore.

7.  Yourself all night.

Again, this is a short list.  Next post we’ll get into what you can actually talk about, but if you can avoid most of these you will do a lot for you.

So you’ve managed to meet up with your date, either by picking her up or meeting her somewhere, without stepping on any dating landmines.  How, then, to comport yourself while on your date?

I’ll take a second here to remind you that all the dressing and grooming rules I gave you when I first started this opus are still in full effect.  Make sure you are showered, well dress, well groomed, and generally good smelling (<–important).

Anyway, I would recommend that you act like a gentleman.  It is true there are independent women out there may find this offensive, but honestly those are in the minority (also, they tend to be a huge pain in the ass to date.  Better to offend them politely then find out two months down the road) and the vast majority of women will appreciate it.  In fact, if the last couple guys they dated were jerks you will only look that much better.

Here is a (short) list of gentlemanly behavior:

Gentlemen open doors for ladies-this specifically included car doors.  In other words, walk to the passenger side of the car, unlock the door, and open it for her.  While walking around open all doors for her.  This can sometimes be a little awkward, especially if you aren’t used to it.  Practice on your mom or something until you make it smooth.

Gentlemen walk on the outside of the street-again, try to not make it look like awkward.  This tradition started back in the days of  horse travel.  The gentleman was attempting to protect her from splattered horse dung being  splashed up from the street.  By the way, while you should try to stay on the outside, if you see up ahead a crazy looking homeless man panhandling the gentleman will interpose himself between his date and the insane lunatic.  This act will most likely gain you a lot of points with your girl.

Gentlemen do not put their hands in their pockets.  Furthermore, if you need to guide her or attract her attention for whatever reason the gentleman will touch her gently on the shoulder, NO WHERE ELSE.

When entering a room or narrow corridor the gentleman allows the lady to proceed him slightly.  If you are on a staircase the gentleman gives the lady the side closest to the wall.

These are kind of the basics.  There are more detailed rules you can find here, but a lot of those will also make you look kind of old fashioned.  You have to read your date and figure out at what point she stops being impressed and starts being annoyed.  Error on the side of too gentlemanly rather than not enough.

Steam punk Abe Lincoln was most certainly a gentleman (image courtesy of the steam punk t shirt category).

Next post we’ll talk about talking.

We talked about the guidelines for picking up your date at her place.  Let’s assume you were not able to put her at ease (or just plain kind of creeped her out.  This does not imply that you are creepy, as some women can be creeped out by a bird flying overhead.  Of course, I wouldn’t discount the possibility that you are creepy and if so, work on it) and she doesn’t want you at her place and wants to meet you somewhere public.

Odds are you are catching some shrapnel from some other guy being weird, so don’t be surprised if she is by nature a little skittish.  Try to pick a place with a good amount of people, booze, and a place to sit down. If possible not too noisy, but starting a date off in a crowd of people get a good energy level going.

(t shirt courtesy of the television t shirt category)

Anyway, 5-10 minutes early.  Get a drink and sit at a table (not the bar.  Drunks hang out at the bar).  Keep an eye on the door.  Expect her to be 10-15 minutes late.  In this circumstance it is OK to text or email on  your phone, but put it away as soon as she shows up (look like you are busy).  Smile and wave when she appears.

That’s it for today.  I gotta run.  More tomorrow.

I have been seriously remiss in blogging lately, but have had an unbelievable amount of other stuff happening.  This last weekend I was at a Warhammer tournament where I got my ass beat pretty badly.  I need to figure out how play 8th edition competitively.

Anyway, I promised I would get back on the dating advice and so here I am.  Last post I started talking about basic dating etiquette and I will continue here.  I am going to operate on the assumption that you have not creeped her completely out and she is going to let you pick her up at her place (I’ll do a post later about what to do if you HAVE creeped her out and she is going to meet you at a public place).  First of all, it behooves you to show up early, but not too early.  5-10 minutes is most appropriate.  If you show up 30 minutes early park OUT OF SIGHT of her building (don’t be seen hanging out in your car like a stalker.  In fact her neighbors might see you.  Try to park at the 7-11 a few blocks away or, better yet, don’t show up 30 min early) and play Plants vrs Zombies on your iPhone (fun game, BTW).

I know this is a stereotype, but it often remains true that she will make you wait while she finishes up.  If she is willing to let you into her living room odds are she is fishing for compliments about her decor, so be sure to say something positive about her place.  “Nice wall hanging, wow lots of space, love the potted plant, did you paint that sacrificial alter yourself?”  DO NOT wander about her place at will.  Stay in the living room unless she invites you elsewhere.  DO NOT open cabinets or drawers.  DO NOT turn on the TV or start texting on your phone.  In fact, your best policy is to sit on the couch with your hands on your lap waiting patiently and trying to think of good compliments for her place.

Once in a while you will be stuck with having to talk to her roommate(s).  This is a special level of hell.  Be extremely careful.  Not only are the roommates examining you like a fetal pig on a dissection tray, but since most women seem to like to see each other single and miserable they are looking for a reason to shoot you down.  They will report to your date in excruciating detail all the reasons why you suck.  They will claim to be looking out for her, but misery loves company and if the roommate is single then she will hate the idea of living with someone in a relationship (Lifeguard shirt image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category)

Also, this should really go without saying, but given the guys I am talking to here I guess I can’t assume anything, do not under any circumstances say anything to any roommates that could be misinterpreted as hitting on them.  It is a sad fact of the dating world that the roommate of the girl you are picking up will almost inevitably be hotter and more interesting than your date.  Deal with it.

The celebrity next to Vernon Wells was Cindy Pickett.  She was in St. Elsewhere, Guiding Light, and, most relevantly in my mind, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  She played his mom.  She turned out to be super cool too, and put some of my Ferris Bueller shirts on her table and directed people over to me.

She loved this Abe Fromen shirt from her movie (image from the movie t shirt section) and bought one for her son.  She is kind of a soccer mom, but still into acting and very cool.  She bought a couple other shirts and I think they were all gifts for other people, which makes me feel good.

By the way, as an aside as to selling t-shirts as a job, let me say that I seem to sell a ton of shirts to people as gifts for other people, which I think is extremely cool.  It reaffirms my faith in humanity when I see that over and over again all day long.

Anyway, Cindy was a lot of fun to hang out with.  Smart and cool

So yesterday I posted about meeting the very cool Vernon Wells from The Road Warrior.  He had a table right next to my booth.  Directly across from me was the stunning Virginia Hey.  I was surprised to learn she was also in the Road Warrior as the hot blond girl with the compound bow on the back of the tanker truck, but I immediately recognized her as Pa’u Zotoh Zhaan, the super hot blue, bald alien girl from the first season of Farscape.

It’s fair to say I enjoyed a few blue skinned fantasies about her while watching the show.  She just oozes sex appeal on the show.  Unfortunately this Logo shirt is the only Farscape shirt I stock (courtesy of the television show t-shirt section).  I think had I had some of her shirts she would have signed them.

That gives me a great idea for a new category:  hot women of science fiction.  Basically every girl I ever fantasized about in science fiction, starting with Princess Leia and ending with the new Uhura from the recent movie (played by Zoe Saldana, who also played the another hot blue alien in Avatar.  I think I am starting to see a theme in my fantasies, and to be honest, it disturbs me).  Of course, that means I would have to work hard to find a t-shirt from Cherry 2000.

Anyway, Virginia was lovely and hot and made for good eye candy across the hall.  She was nice a heck, and let me take a picture with her which I will put up on Facebook when I get the chance.  She is also about 5’11″, which makes her even hotter.  Turns out she is making these really great soy based candles called Virginia Hey Couture.  I am not much of a candle person but they smelled really amazingly nice.  They also come in these great cloth gift bags.  If you are into candles and smelling nice check them out.

Also, if you are looking for more dating advice, I will probably get back to that after the Warhammer tournament next weekend but take it from me, there is nothing wrong with having some great fragrant candles around in case you get a girl back to your place.

Anyway, Virginia was awesome, and I hope to see her in something else soon.  She does a lot of meditation, and seems like a very warm, genuine person.

I have two more celebrities to talk about, so look for more posts later.

OK I have been seriously remiss about blogging ever since I left for Vegas.  I got back on Monday night and have been up to my rear in trying to reconcile and re sort the inventory, not to mention pay bills and order replacement inventory.

Also, my day job dropped a painfully bad yet critically important project in my lap, and I have a big Warhammer tournament next weekend and have to do a lot of work to get ready for that.  Plus I am spending another two days in Las Vegas for a trade show I go to to look at some new t-shirts.  Just when I think my life can’t get any busier, I somehow find a new, previously unknown higher gear on the gearshift and go into another level of crazy busy.

Wah wah wah.  Enough whining about my ridiculous life.  Lets talk about the Star Trek Convention.

First of all, it was amazing.  15,000 hard core fans, all of them extremely cool.  I got to see Shatner wandering the vendor area (trailed by about 300 fan boys), hung out with some minor celebrities, and met my future wife dressed as an extremely cute Vulcan.  Unfortunately, she lives on the other side of the country, has a boyfriend, and really didn’t show any real interest in my, but heck, she was dressed as an extremely cute Vulcan.

One of the minor celebrities I met was a very cool Australian named Vernon Wells. Hopefully we all remember him as Wez from The Road Warrior.  If not, he was the scariest man to ever wear a Mohawk, and if you knew some of my friends from my punk rock days you would understand what level that statement puts him at.  We was also in Commando.  He is a great guy with an awesome sense of humor.

Turns out his wife is a big Evil Dead fan and he wanted to get her this Necronomicon shirt from the horror movie t shirt category.  He was such a nice guy that I traded him the shirt for an autographed photo.  You have never seen a look so intense.

By the way, Vernon reprized his roll as Wez in the movie Weird Science, which was a big part of my teenage nerd days.  Really cool.

Anyway, I’ll post more about the show later this week.  Overall it was a wondrous experience and I highly recommend you all attend next year.  If you do stop by and say hi at our booth.