OK, this is the last post on bad dance moves, then we can get into good stuff. I’m going to run through a big list pretty fast. If you need clarification feel free to Google them or just post a question for me on this blog.
The Sprinkler-in addition to breaking the hand line, this is just lame looking.
The Butter Churner-does this one even need an explaination?
The Running Man-if you want a dance move that, in addition to highlighting your inability to dance, also shows your date that you have no athletic ability as well, this is the one for you.
The Spank-you are not sexy enough to get a way with pretending to spank either your date or yourself. You will look like a moron. Also, it draws your dates attention to your fundament, and unless you do about 1000 deep knee bends a day, odds are likely you want to keep her attention elsewhere.
The Dice Cast-pretending you have dice in your hand and are throwing them is a good way to look like a complete tool. Also, as you probably have a lot of experience playing games involving assorted dice, it just might look too natural (dice shirt image courtesy of the Dungeons & Dragons t shirt category).
Raising the Roof-again, hand line.
The Moonwalk-trust me, in addition to looking pretty lame, you can’t do it.
Anything country-ish-Seriously, anything that smacks of line dancing or Achy Breaky (or worse, the Hoe Down) should be left in the cow towns. If your date is seriously into this either run screaming into the night or go to a place that actually does hillbilly jug dancing.
Hammer Time-if you are overcome by the urge to spread your knees and shuffle back and forth ala MC Hammer, once you are done just pay the bill and head home, as you aren’t getting anywhere tonight.
The Napoleon Dynamite dance-true, he epitomizes nerdom and got a standing ovation when he did it in the movie, but there are three reasons to not do it: first, he spent weeks practicing that particular dance, which I am willing to bet you haven’t done. Two, his dance violates about three million of the no-go dance rules I have already stated. Third, and most importantly, it’s a fictional movie, and we are firmly ensconced in reality. If movies could be real life, then why not hook electrodes to a Barbie doll, wear bras on your head, and somehow create a super hot woman? It worked in Weird Science. Another movie that failed me miserably was Real Genius. Great movie, but the idea that someone in Hollywood really believes that there are super hot women out there desperate to sleep with high IQ men is totally offensive. It’s like a movie shot on nerd Bizarro world.
Sorry, I ran off the rails a little there. Back to bad dance moves.
The Mummy (or Walk Like an Egyption)-as much as a fan of Bananarama as I am, this band will burn in hell for inventing this dance move.
The Macarena- not only should you not ever do this dance, but if you see another guy doing it you should take him out back and beat the crap out of him. It’s for his own good, and the good of humanity in general.
The Light Bulb-this is the one where you raise each arm up and twist your hand like you are changing a light bulb. It technically does not violate the hand line but is in serious danger of making you look like a total twit.
And finally, the Funky Chicken-this is where you fold both hands into your armpits and flap your elbows around. It’s great in that you can look like two different animals at the same time; a chicken, and an ass.
These dances are presented in no particular order (mainly because I am too lazy to actually order them) and is also in no way comprehensive. New, even more horrible dances are being invented every night like some kind of mad scientist laboratory bent on creating a new race of atomic superman dance moves that will one day conquer the world but instead creates horrible mutations that get flushed into the sewer known as the dance clubs. There are also any number of bad old dance movies stealthily resurfacing like an unregistered sexual predator moving into your neighborhood. Just use this as a guideline and try to learn from any other mistakes you make. Also, if you can think of any obvious moves I missed feel free to post them as comments.
Next post we actually get into good things to do while dancing.