We’re kind of halfway through your first date, but I think it time to discuss some of the dirty tricks (and some that are just tricks) out there, both so you can see them coming and possibly use them if necessary.  Like our friend Felix here, everyone needs a Magical Bag of Tricks, and the more tricks you have, the more accomplished you can be (Felix the Cat image courtesy of the cartoon t shirt category).

The first trick is what I like to call the Cell Phone Dodge.  This is where you arrange for a friend of yours to either text or call you at a prearranged time, usually 1-1.5 hours into the date.  The tricky part is if you are having a good time and are really into your date you completely ignore the phone.  If the your date is being a huge pain in the ass, turns out to be a white supremest, is painfully stupid, or talking marriage in the first 3o minutes you take the call, have a brief conversation, and declare  “Oh, my god!  My cat just set fire to my apartment!” or something like that.

Actually, don’t use any details.  Just say “Oh, wow.  I’m really sorry but I’ve had a personal emergency come up.”

This is your rip cord on the date being a total waste of your life and money.  Never feel guilty about using this one (some of the other ones I am going to tell you feel free to feel guilty about) as about 100% of the women out there use it on a regular basis.  Ever notice that they all seem to get a text or phone call about an hour in?  This is your first real test.  If she blows it off she is into you.  If she takes the call and rushes off, better luck next time.  Also, practice your dating conversation more.

Next post, the Dinner X2 trick.  By the way, I am going to start doing some interviews with people in the nerd world who I think are particularily interesting, like a woman who did a horror film documentary and a couple of special effects I met recently.  Should be pretty cool.  I won’t be stopping the dating stuff, but interspersing the interview to keep things interesting for those of us who don’t need dating help.

This post is a little outside of the progressive chronology I have been trying to maintain, but it occurred to me today that I have not yet addressed the question of how to pay for stuff.  This actually is kind of important and pretty situational.

First of all, make sure you have both cash and credit cards in your pocket.  An assortment of $20′s and small bills is best, as you might need to tip someone for hailing a cab or something.

The most important thing about paying for stuff is you don’t want to look like a pain in the ass while doing it.  That is why you should never try to use a weird credit card, such as Discover or Amex (yes, I love my Amex card.  I just don’t try to buy dinner with it).  Also, stay away from $50′s or $100′s.  You will look like you are trying desperately to look cool like a poser, and there is a good chance the person you are trying to give it to might not have change.  Also, everyone looks carefully at those bills and you don’t want to be called out for having a counterfeit bill.

Sorry , Ben (Franklin image from the political t shirt category).

The general guideline is as follows; for purchases over $10 credit card, under $10 cash.  Only losers and homeless people pay for stuff with cash, so with a few exceptions try to use your card.  Here are a few specific cases:

Credit card: dinner, tickets,  gasoline, most material purchases.

Cash: tips, cab rides (regardless of amount), donations to street performers (to look like you are supporting the arts), condoms (ha ha ha good luck, but kudos if you need them.  I guess that would mean the student has become the master)

Also, use a card that functions as an actual credit card rather than a debit card that requires your PIN.  Again, you want to look smooth and entering your PIN makes you look like you are buying groceries.

That’s pretty much it.  Remember that money is dirty and most women don’t want be involved in it (they mostly just want to be involved with what it can buy.  Not that I’m bitter).

Oh, one more thing.  Never count your change when paying cash.  You will look like a tool, and the last thing you want to do is make a stink about being shorted $.25.  For that matter, don’t argue about money ever with anyone.  If you paid $10 for the valet on the way in and they want another $10 on the way out, just suck it up and move on without looking idiotic.

That’s it for today.  I think I have some good stuff for tomorrows post, but need to think about it.  Talk to you soon.

OK, you have successfully selected a movie and are going to a local theater to see it (I hate theater shirt image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).  Now to discuss how you should behave.

First of all, walk up to the box office and buy both tickets.  Don’t even ask.  If she looks perturbed or says something say she can buy the drinks and popcorn.  This is your chance to man up and look like a guy in control.  Also, don’t hand her one of the tickets.  That is something friends do, not boyfriends.  Hand both tickets to the guy at the box office.

I do recommend popcorn.  People build bonds from sharing food.  A little accidental hand contact as you both reach for it is a good thing.  Let her hold the popcorn and eat it from her lap.  She will feel weird reaching into your crotch.  Also, if you are going to do candy get something you can easily share, like Skittles or M&Ms.  Don’t do hot dogs or anything that looks like a meal.  Also, nachos, as delicious as they are, are a prime opportunity to look like a total slob, so stay away.  If she made a stink at the box office let her pay, but if she accepted your purchase of the tickets blithely than pay for this as well.  Drinks are good, but don’t super size anything.

In the theater, pick a section that seems pretty even.  Let her proceed down the aisle and choose the final seat.  If you are fortunate enough to be in a theater with the retractable arms (also known as snuggle seats.  This is another opportunity where five minutes research may well pay off) it is perfectly acceptable to leave the arm up in order to stay closer to her.  It is not necessarily acceptable to use her acceptance of that to creep in on her.  Put your drink in the armrest on the outside.

Put your jacket on an empty seat next to yours and take hers.  By the way, if the theater is one of those that runs their air conditioning like a cryogenic facility you can gain a lot of respect and appreciation by giving her your jacket to use as a blanket for her legs.  If you feel like you want to wear your jacket suck it up and give it to her.  Be the man, and the gentleman.

After you get settled turn of your cell phone.  Do not wait until you see the notice or she does it.  You want to look like you are both considerate and in control.  Doing it because you are told to do it is wimpy.  Let her be reminded by you.

If you think you might need to drain the lizard during the movie do so now.  A good excuse is that you want to wash your hands before the popcorn.  You will be taking a slight risk leaving her alone in the theater, but it is acceptable and also shows you are secure and not overbearing.  She may take the opportunity to do the same.

By the way, a decent test of how much she likes or trusts you is how she passes by you.  If she faces the screen and shows you her bottom as she sidles by she likes you.  If she turns her back to the screen and goes crotch first she is not sure and/or is already bored.  Of course, don’t read too much into this as she could either be on the fence or just not thinking about it, but I have found this to be a decent barometer.

When the trailers start, it is generally OK to make quite funny comments about the trailers.  Here is your chance to be witty and funny.  Pretend you are in the theater with the MST3K crew (in fact, if you are a fan don’t be afraid to borrow a couple lines from Tom Servo or Crow.  No one will bust you on a copyright infringement, and odds are extremely unlikely that she has ever watched more than five minutes of the show.  For that matter, if by some weird alignment of the solar system she is a fan you may gain credibility by referencing the show).

Once the movie starts, shut the hell up and enjoy.  When it ends, unless she is in the movie business get up once the credits start.  Don’t be one of those weird guys who sits through the entire credits in hopes of seeing a spoiler at the end.  If you heard there was one YouTube it.  People who sit through credits are never hot or cool, if you know what I mean.  Hand her her jacket and if you are feeling particularly smooth assist her in putting it on.  It will actually be very awkward and take more time than it would have for her to do it herself, but you will look like a stud if you pull it off correctly (or a dork if you don’t).

That’s it for now.  More later.

Sorry I didn’t get this done sooner, but was at the Sacramento Sci Fi Horror Convention with a booth selling t-shirts.  The show was a lot of fun, and the highlight for me was meeting and getting this picture with the gorgeous Jewel Staite from Firefly and Stargate Atlantis.  Talk about beauty and the beast (of course, if any of you call Jewel a beast I will kill you).

(the shirt I am wearing, by the way, is available in the Star Trek t shirts category).

Anyway, Jewel is married (damn the luck!) but meeting her has inspired me to forge ahead in my quest to meet the perfect women and keep helping the rest of you also meet someone.  Last post we talked about movies as a date.  Assuming you have determined correctly that a movie would be appropriate (and are not just falling back on it due to your flailing conversation) the question arises “What movie to watch?”

First of all, strike anything cool you want to see off that list.  Any sci fi, horror, or action flick will fail miserably.  Even if she sounds cool with it, in her head she is either going to think you are incredibly selfish or an incredible geek (probably both).

Second of all, do not see a chick flick.  Odds are she will suggest one, but if you agree (or worse, suggest one) have fun being “man-friend” for the rest of you life.  You just turned into a hairy girl in her head.  Also, your time is worth more than that.  A couple years ago I went on a date and somehow ended up seeing Nights in Rodanthe, a Richard Gere movie.  It wasn’t so much lame as it was like swimming in a pool of rusty razor blades and afterwords eating a huge bowl of excrement.  The mistake I made was not being familiar with the current movies and assuming it was some kind of vampire flick.  Do your research.  Any movie that involves coming to terms with stuff will make you want to claw your eyes out and use them as ear plugs.

A good compromise will basically leave both parties vaguely dissatisfied, so plan on that.  The best option for you will be a good comedy, but make sure it involves women in some kind of role.  The Hangover was hilarious but was definitely a guy movie.  A good romantic comedy is a compromise in her favor (again, do your research.  Love Stinks is technically a romantic comedy, but will turn her off not only you but possibly men in general).  Try to have a couple ones to suggest.  Having your iPhone set to Fandango before you even pick her up is a plus in your favor.

Next post, movie etiquette.

I think I am done with dancing for now.  Let’s talk about an ongoing debate in the dating world; to go to a movie or not.

99.9999% of women will tell you that a movie on a first date is a bad idea, but I have found there are circumstances where this is not necessarily true.  Women like to think that you need to talk all night, but sometimes that can be a bad thing, especially if you think your aspherger-like compulsion to say weird crap will screw you up.

I’ll boil it down.  Not seeing a movie gives you a lot of time to talk and connect.  If you only have a couple hours to see your date then by all means do not fill up your time with this.  However, if it looks like you will be with her for five or more hours then I think it’s a great idea, and here is why.

First of all, it gives you two hours of company wherein you don’t have to struggle to find something to talk about.  Furthermore, the movie will be a great topic of discussion both before and afterwards.  Make sure you know something about the script, writer, director, actors, or premise behind the film to give you something to bring up.  Also, there can be a lot of time spent together on line or in the theater waiting for the movie to start.

Secondly, the dim lighting in the theater is very complimentary.  If you are reading this blog because you have trouble dating than good lighting is probably not your friend.  Also, you are forced to sit in close proximity (more on this later), which is an intimate setting and will help her gain comfort with you.

Finally, if the movie is really good or, better yet, really funny, than the good feelings she will have while watching it or laughing will be associated with you on some level.  Make sure you pick out a movie that is good and/or funny (Hangover t shirt image courtesy of of the movie t shirt category).

That being said, if you aren’t sure you can spend more than a few hours with her, save this for a second or third date.  It’s perfect for that.

More on this later, including what movie to actually see.

I was going to talk about more specific dance moves, but honestly I think I have given you enough to work with, at least at first.  Also, I have worked all day and am feeling too lazy to really do a lot of research.  I’ll do more some other time, but instead I will address another issue that will come up as you dance: how long should you  dance?

The short answer on this is as long as she wants to.  Remember, part of dancing is showing her how viral and healthy you are, and bailing out from exhaustion before she does is not a way of communicating this idea.  So unless you are seeing spots and/or losing feeling in 1/2 of your body, dance until she looks like she is ready to stop.  Keep an eye on signs of tiredness from her, including slowing down, looking bored, our outright passing out.  If you are about to pass out yourself and your choices are get off the dance floor or move towards the light, a good excuse is ask her if she wants another drink.  If she says no prepare to meet your ancestors.

(if she starts doing the Dance of the Living Dead like these guys, it might be time to ask if she wants to sit down.  Image courtesy of the zombie t shirt category).

Another interesting phenomenon that comes up is during your dancing, you will perspire, and by perspire I mean sweat profusely.  This is not a bad thing.  In fact, it can be very good.  “Wait a minute, Dave!  You told us to avoid anything that might cause us to smell of anything other than soap or deodorant!”  You are correct, in most cases.  However, fresh sweat is a healthy mix of pheromones that most women find intriguing.  The operative word here is fresh.  You know how if you stick grapes into a wooden barrel and let it ferment for a while you get a fine wine that is good and smells great?  Sweat is 100% the opposite.  Fresh sweat from something wholesome like dancing or working out is good.  Sweat left on your body for a length of time smells like ass (literally).  Again, do not take this as an excuse to not shower.  Just don’t worry about it while you and she are dancing.

Another thing that should go without saying, but given the audience I am talking to needs saying, is if you have some kind of medical condition that causes your sweat to be particularly pungent (dead skunk raised on a manure pile) you should avoid dancing.  Claim you have knee problems, or that the lights could cause you to pass out from flicker vertigo.  Better that than exposing her to BO so bad it could be classified as a weapon of mass destruction.

Once you get the green light to stop flailing around on the dance floor (that’s unfair.  I am sure you took all my advice, practiced extensively, and are now an accomplished dancer.  Really) extricate yourself and your date by leading the way through the crowd back to your table (I like to pretend I am an icebreaker).

Actually, that reminds me of something really important I forgot to mention earlier.  Under no circumstances should you be the only couple on the dance floor. If there is no one else on the floor you have no business being out there.  That is something creepy middle aged alcoholic couples do.  In fact, stay off the dance floor if it is not crowded.  If you can see wall through the crowd, stay off.  If your date is sane she will probably agree.

So I’m back from LA and the small comic book convention I did out there.  Not great, but not bad either.  Nice nerds, for the most part.  I will say that the most painful dating lessons I learned were beaten into me while I lived in LA.  With few notable exceptions (including one amazing girl I met while at the show but who broke my heart by leaving without coming back to my booth again) women in LA are among the most horrible girls I have ever tried to date, from a purely ego breaking point of view.  For the most part, if you are not rich, a movie star, or in some crappy garage band opening up at the Whiskey dating in Los Angeles is like running full tilt into a brick wall while women throw peanut shells, banana skins, and men’s underwear at you to enhance the comedy.  Let’s just say I am much happier and do better in the Bay Area (here they only throw banana skins).  LA sucks.  Not that I’m bitter.

Anyway, back to dancing on your date.  We should talk about specific moves you can do to enhance your sex appeal.  Fortunately science, long time friend and staunch ally to nerds since the first nerd rubbed two sticks together and invented fire, has actually done a study on dance techniques and has determined what actually works to impress ladies (science shirt courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).

Basically, the scientists (who are, no doubt, expert dancers themselves) determined that in general moves that show health or vitality tend to be more attractive.  Specifically head and torso movement tends to be pretty attractive (that’s head AND torso, not head OR torso.  Don’t do the headbanger) to women.  Leg, arm and hip movement helps a lot too.  For some reason movement of the right leg and knee seems to work well.  It’s is supposed to have something to do with most people being right leg dominant.  Not sure if I really understand that one, but I am not one to argue with what works.

One of the things that this and other studies has shown is that variety is key.  You can’t pick one move and proceed to do it all night.  You need to mix things up.  Don’t be afraid to copy other guys you see over your date’s shoulder, but don’t be too obvious.  Mix it up, and above all keep moving.

Next post more specifics and stuff like how long to dance and so on.

No dancing or dating advice this weekend.  I am headed to LA for the LA Comic Book convention.  If you are in LA stop by and say hi.

The celebrities at this show are Todd Bridges (Willis from Different Strokes) and Daniel Logan, who played young Boba Fett in Episode II, Attack of the Clones (image courtesy of the Star Wars t shirt category).  I guess you can tell the show is not huge, but it is fun and there is usually a lot of stuff to see there.  Also, my super hot friend Olga will be helping me out, and afterward we are going to see Res Evil 3D so look forward to a review by me next week.

Talk to you soon.

Now we come to the meat and bones of the matter; how to actually dance.  Again, there are those homo sapiens who are blessed with the natural grace, rhythm, and athletic ability to be a great dancer but I am willing to be a good amount of money that that is not you.  However, a lack of ability can be overcome by a healthy mix of perseverance, alcohol, and the ability to not give a crap what other people might think of you.

First of all, like Frankie said, relax.  Stand easy.  You want to make your moves look smooth and natural, kind of like Gumby here (image courtesy of the cartoon t shirt section), not like a man on stilts with a third stilt inserted somewhere, if you know what I mean.

Start off listening to the rhythm of the music.  Most dance music (for idiots) has a relatively simple one, two, three, four pattern that can be fairly easy to discern if you stop listening to the lyrics (something I recommend anyway as a means of preserving valuable brain cells).  You can start off bobbing your head to the music (not headbanging, as we discussed earlier) in time to the music, unless it is really fast, in which case try to go every other beat.

Move your weight back and forth between your feet.  In fact, try to lift each foot in turn off the ground.   Keep your knees bent and feel free to add a little bounce to each step.  Do not stop with the head bobbing (<–important).  In fact, everything I tell you to do stacks, so you have to do them all at the same time.  This might sound scary, but with enough practice (or tequila) it will get easier.

Try moving your feet a little as you lift them.  Just a few inches back and forth, or side to side.  It doesn’t really matter.  However, now we get into the first real danger zone in that you have to be sure you don’t step on your dance partners’ feet (or anyone else, for that matter, but your dates’ feet needs to be your number one concern).  Also, try to avoid “drifting” either away from your partner or into her personal space.  While your feet are moving your relative position on the dance floor should remain more or less constant.

As you move your feet, try to shift your hips around with them.  Throw your hip sideways or forward.  If you have ever had to shut a refrigerator door with your hands full (and really, who hasn’t) the hip thrust you most likely employed is probably your best bet.  At some point you may actually intentionally bump hips with your dance partner, but take it from me, a great deal of control is needed for this maneuver.  I know from experience that a 250lb guy can more or less launch a 110lb girl into the DJ booth if the timing and power is off even a little.  Save this for a more advanced lesson.

Move your hands and arms, but avoid that collar bone line I keep stressing.  Also, while it might seem natural avoid any movement that smacks of combat or martial arts, as well as fast moves, windmills, whips, or anything snake like.  Mostly I do little circles at the elbow and hope for the best.

Those are the basics.  I will get into more specifics next post, but I wanted to tell you the three real secrets of becoming a great dancer: practice, practice, and practice.  Seriously, in your living room, by yourself, load some dance music onto Pandora and go nuts.  No one can see you.  DO NOT do this in front of a mirror or your web cam, unless you are OK with someone accidentally recording it and making you a YouTube sensation.  If you really feel the need to self critique yourself (and I do not recommend you do) set up a video camera and watch afterward.  Then delete it completely.  These videos have a nasty habit of resurfacing a few years later at the most embarrassing time and place possible (often the video loop playing at your wedding reception) so spare yourself the agony.

OK, this is the last post on bad dance moves, then we can get into good stuff.  I’m going to run through a big list pretty fast.  If you need clarification feel free to Google them or just post a question for me on this blog.

The Sprinkler-in addition to breaking the hand line, this is just lame looking.

The Butter Churner-does this one even need an explaination?

The Running Man-if you want a dance move that, in addition to highlighting your inability to dance, also shows your date that you have no athletic ability as well, this is the one for you.

The Spank-you are not sexy enough to get a way with pretending to spank either your date or yourself.  You will look like a moron.  Also, it draws your dates attention to your fundament, and unless you do about 1000 deep knee bends a day, odds are likely you want to keep her attention elsewhere.

The Dice Cast-pretending you have dice in your hand and are throwing them is a good way to look like a complete tool.  Also, as you probably have a lot of experience playing games involving assorted dice, it just might look too natural (dice shirt image courtesy of the Dungeons & Dragons t shirt category).

Raising the Roof-again, hand line.

The Moonwalk-trust me, in addition to looking pretty lame, you can’t do it.

Anything country-ish-Seriously, anything that smacks of line dancing or Achy Breaky (or worse, the Hoe Down) should be left in the cow towns.  If your date is seriously into this either run screaming into the night or go to a place that actually does hillbilly jug dancing.

Hammer Time-if you are overcome by the urge to spread your knees and shuffle back and forth ala MC Hammer, once you are done just pay the bill and head home, as you aren’t getting anywhere tonight.

The Napoleon Dynamite dance-true, he epitomizes nerdom and got a standing ovation when he did it in the movie, but there are three reasons to not do it:  first, he spent weeks practicing that particular dance, which I am willing to bet you haven’t done.  Two, his dance violates about three million of the no-go dance rules I have already stated.  Third, and most importantly, it’s a fictional movie, and we are firmly ensconced in reality.  If movies could be real life, then why not hook electrodes to a Barbie doll, wear bras on your head, and somehow create a super hot woman?  It worked in Weird Science.  Another movie that failed me miserably was Real Genius.  Great movie, but the idea that someone in Hollywood really believes that there are super hot women out there desperate to sleep with high IQ men is totally offensive.  It’s like a movie shot on nerd Bizarro world.

Sorry, I ran off the rails a little there.  Back to bad dance moves.

The Mummy (or Walk Like an Egyption)-as much as a fan of Bananarama as I am, this band will burn in hell for inventing this dance move.

The Macarena- not only should you not ever do this dance, but if you see another guy doing it you should take him out back and beat the crap out of him.  It’s for his own good, and the good of humanity in general.

The Light Bulb-this is the one where you raise each arm up and twist your hand like you are changing a light bulb.  It technically does not violate the hand line but is in serious danger of making you look like a total twit.

And finally, the Funky Chicken-this is where you fold both hands into your armpits and flap your elbows around.  It’s great in that you can look like two different animals at the same time; a chicken, and an ass.

These dances are presented in no particular order (mainly because I am too lazy to actually order them) and is also in no way comprehensive.  New, even more horrible dances are being invented every night like some kind of mad scientist laboratory bent on creating a new race of atomic superman dance moves that will one day conquer the world but instead creates horrible mutations that get flushed into the sewer known as the dance clubs.  There are also any number of bad old dance movies stealthily resurfacing like an unregistered sexual predator moving into your neighborhood.  Just use this as a guideline and try to learn from any other mistakes you make.  Also, if you can think of any obvious moves I missed feel free to post them as comments.

Next post we actually get into good things to do while dancing.