I should be careful about letting my dating bile boil over, as I personally have a second date with a cool girl tomorrow night and don’t want to have this taint my interaction with her. I am sure one way or another the results of that date will make it’s appearance on the surface of this blog like a rarely seen Lock Ness Monster appearance. Wish me luck on my date. However, I feel the obligation to keep going with my current thread. Believe it or not, as rambling as these blogs tend to be, I have a plan in mind with a big finale for the end of the year.
So here are a few more signs that the girl you are dating is insane.
13. She is getting over some ex-boyfriend or husband. Remember that all women are crazy but some things are crazy catalysts and being in recovery over some guy is like Insano Brand manure on the field of her psyche. Also, there is no more thankless job on the planet than being rebound guy. You will suffer in agony as she regales you in excruciating detail the subtle nuances of their every encounter and hits you with questions like “What do you think he really meant when he said ‘Get out of my life and never call me again’?” Furthermore, being recently out of a relationship is her perfect excuse for raking you over the coals, punishing you for the crime of being the same gender as her ex, and then saying “It’s too soon. I’m not ready for intimacy” when you think you are getting some. Trust me when I say there isn’t enough of this abuse you can absorb to get her naked. She will damage your brain and leave you hanging. Also ex-boyfriends are a lot like certain social diseases, in that they tend to flare up at the least convenient times and can really ruin the mood. It is shockingly easy for him to resurface and become her boyfriend again.
14. She is a widow. God I feel guilty bringing this one up. This is Dave being the coldest bastard possible. However, if the girl you are seeing is a widow (or her boyfriend tragically died) there is no winning. The one nice thing about ex-boyfriends is if they were total jerks you can at least gain something in her perception by contrast. However, if he died no matter what kind of jerk he was in life in death he will be second only to Jesus Himself in her estimation. If you cured cancer, brought about world peace, and saved a busload of nuns and orphans from driving off a cliff you will still never live up to his legacy. His ghost will literally haunt you for the rest of her life. (Casper image courtesy of the cartoon t shirt category)
15. She cheated on, or was cheated on, by her last boyfriend. This is another one that is bad. The phrase to remember is “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” If she was OK making the decision to cheat once before she will find it that much easier to do so again with you. Also, nothing will make you feel more unmanly than finding out she is cheating, especially if you met the guy. Furthermore, there are certain types of insane women who revel in cheating on you with a good friend of yours, so unless you are trying to cut down on the number of friends you have stay away.
Now, it might seem like it would be OK if she were cheated on by her ex, but the fact is in my experience women tend to paint with a very broad brush. In other words, once she has had an example of cheating in a partner she will secretly assume all men are cheaters and treat them (and you) as such. You can look forward to all kinds of special paranoid insanity including but not restricted to her checking your cell phone records, email, text messages, following you in your car, and embedding RFID chips in your neck as you sleep. Also, there is something in girls that are attracted to cheaters that has the stench of the crazy. Save yourself the pain.
That’s it for now. More tomorrow.
I need to break away from the dating stuff for today as two of my favorite guys in the world both died yesterday and I feel the need to comment on them.
The first is the great Leslie Nielson, who passed away yesterday from pneumonia (Naked Gun image courtesy of the movie t shirt category). I’m sure this isn’t news for any of you, but I want to mention how much he meant to me personally. The Naked Gun was so much fun. It came out in 1988. At the time I was probably at my lowest point in my life, having dropped out of college and gotten a horrible, horrible job working graveyard shift at a medical lab, doing dangerous, mind killing work for a company that did not give a damn about me. Ever wonder how long it takes a gallon bottle of frozen urine to thaw out? I can answer that for you.
I used to go to work at 10:30pm and do overtime until about 11am. I would stumble home and was supposed to sleep until 6 or 7. However, my best friend at the time, Eric, would come over usually about 2 or 3pm. My mom would never let him wake me up so he learned to sneak around the house and tap on my bedroom window to wake me up. He was a manager at a local Edwards movie theater and we would inevitably go see a movie for free before I went to work. We saw pretty much every movie out, and let’s just say with a few exceptions it was not a great period in cinema. We saw a lot of crap.
One day we went the theater and the only thing playing that we hadn’t seen was something called the Naked Gun. I had never seen Police Squad and had no idea what it was about. I watched the movie and laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I was totally jazzed that night at hell job, and I think I watched it three more times over the next few weeks. To this day, the scene with Leslie and Richardo Montalban in the office with the pen and the exotic fish makes me laugh my ass off.
Leslie Nielson had this amazing combination of looking serious while delivering the most off the wall, insanely funny comments. He didn’t need to make weird faces or even be in particularly weird situations to make the scene funny as hell. I have been an avid fan ever since the Naked Gun and seen all his films before and since. I will miss him a lot.
The other passing was less well known. John Steakley was an author who wrote all of two novels, Armor and Vampire$. Vampire$ was about a team of mercenaries who would go around being paid to kill vampires. Good book, and was made into a mediocre movie starring James Woods. When you consider the fact that it was made by John Carpenter it actually really sucks. It was number 55 on a list of the top 70 vampire movies. Personally I think they took too much license with the script rewrite and should have stuck closer to the story, but that’s what I say about almost all movies that are derived from literature.
The other book, Armor, is considered a classic of military science fiction and that is for good reason. I don’t remember when I first read it, but when my literature well runs low I just pull it out and reread it again. It details the life of a truly messed up guy in a truly messed up war against giant ants. He runs around in a suit of power armor that is extremely cool. The story is amazing, the writing clean and very cool, and the characters engaging and interesting.
I have probably read that book twenty times, and to say it had an influence on my life is like saying the sun has an influence on the ecology of our planet. If you have never read it I highly recommend it. My love of science fiction started with Robert Heinlein’s Starship Troopers (another book ruined by a bad movie) and was firmly cemented into place with this book.
Also, it seems I have a thing for powered suits of armor. It bugs me that we have advanced so much in asinine stuff like better ways of delivering porn but don’t have a powered suit of armor that I can use with jump boots to leap over a building.
Anyway, two guys who I like to consider a part of my life are gone, and the world is a sadder place for it. I will miss them both.
Ok, back on the dating advice. I am sure this will make Gina happy. More tips that you may be dating a psychopath.
9. She is now, or has been, a member of some kind of cult, new age therapy group, or other kind of weird spiritual experience. Does she talk about channeling her chakras? Has she ever lived on some kind of commune? Does she seem to have an inordinate abundance of crystals around her place? Does she have a moon tattoo prominently displayed somewhere? Do discussions of animal and human sacrifices not repulse her? Then she is very likely to be a bizarre cult girl, and unfortunately this is a subject matter I am far too intimately familiar with. Basically, you will never not disappoint this girl, and she will be forever wishing you could better improve your spiritual self. Even if she is no longer in whatever she has been doing, odds are her personality will compel her to get into something else. Also, there is a good chance you will get sucked into it and end up dancing naked under a full moon and bathing in chicken blood.
10. Is she a strong advocate of one of the third parties? I don’t have a real issue with people who want to vote third party, but if she is gung ho for the Tea Party, Green Party, or Libertarian Party that believe me when I say dating her will be anything but a party. These people tend to really believe in what they say and if you don’t agree with them then that must mean you don’t understand and the only cure is to be lectured at continuously. If you make the mistake of agreeing with her (most likely in the vain hope that she will shut up about it) than you can look forward to being dragged to political rallies surrounded by other members of her party of choice who also want to lecture you continuously on the fine points of their party manifesto.
11. Is she a hard core born again Christian? This one depends on your perspective. If you are also a born again Christian than you can disregard this paragraph. If you are not but think you can get past it, prepare for disappointment. Christians are not a problem, but the really hard core true believers are nothing but headache. I don’t think I should get too into this, except to say I recently had an experience in this area that has reaffirmed my belief in this point.
12. Does she constantly ask you “What are you thinking?” Women naturally set traps, and this one is the tiger trap filled with punji sticks, scorpions, snakes, tigers, alligators, and burning napalm. Every woman will ask this question once in a while, but if she regurgitates this gem every time you look out into space like a dog returning to it’s own vomit it is a problem. There is never a good answer to this one. If you think fast and say something like “How great your smile is” than that will only encourage more of the same. If you tell the truth (Battlestar Galactica, if you locked your car, her breasts, the waitress’s breasts, who would win in a fight Deadpool or Punisher, or how best to get her alone at your place) than she will have the excuse she is looking for to be hurt. (BSG image courtesy of the television show t shirts)
By the way, if you are a girl reading this, if a guy really wanted to tell you what he was thinking, his lips would be moving. The answer to your question will either reek of insincerity or just really annoy you. Don’t flip over any rocks if you aren’t ready to deal with what you will find underneath.
This is the last part of the interview with Danny Nero. Danny has been a great sport and a super guy. Here he tells one of the best stories about a certain actor who played a certain captain in a show we all love (no, it’s not Shatner).
D: Any last funny or insightful stories from your career you would like to share?
Danny: It was just about a year ago I was working on a “cross-over” episode of Gray’s Anatomy & Private Practice at a different studio in Hollywood. It just so happened “Castle” is shot there and I wondered if I might bump into Nathan Fillion. I got wrapped early and decided I would find Nathan if they weren’t on location. When I caught sight of Nathan’s stand-in, a great guy by the name of Carey Johnson, I knew I was in luck.
I watched Nathan shoot a scene on a rooftop set with a green screen. I felt a little guilty that I’d never watched the show before but I don’t see most of what’s on TV these days. When he was finished with that shot, he came down and I surprised him. Big hug and he insisted on introducing me to the crew and cast which I didn’t know including the lovely Alyssa Milano. (Melrose Place image, which Alyssa stared in, courtesy of the television t shirt category)
He took me on a tour of his NYC apartment set and took great joy in showing me the infamous “catalyzer” from the “Out of Gas” episode of Firefly. It sits inside a bookcase. I pulled out my iPhone and reminded him that the last time we worked together on “Drive”, we both were intrigued by the news that Apple was going to have another hit on its hands. He saw that I didn’t have a case for mine so he had me follow him into his trailer and had me pick a new case from a selection on his desk. What a guy right?
D: That is so awesome. It makes me happy to know that the actor behind the character I love is such a great guy. Danny, thank you very, very much. I am sure our readers have really loved your stories and insights. I look forward to seeing you in future projects.
D: What other shows have you worked on?
Danny: What other shows have I worked on? Did I mention I started back in 1981?
Actually my first time in front of the cameras would be back in 1958 when I was one of several children working on the Christmas episode of “The Tennessee Ernie Ford Show”. It was a popular variety show that aired weekly on NBC and my mom was part of his backup singer/dancer group called “The Top 20″. I have a shot from that if you want it but I’ll have to dig for it.
D: Please. That would be great.
Danny: Anyway I am on the floor of a living room set as mom and the other 19 adults sing some Xmas songs with good old Ernie Ford and the special guests Jon Provost and Lassie. I was 6 and don’t really remember much about that performance but watching the DVD made from a kinescope, you’d swear we kids were there at gun point! That was back in the days of live TV so we did a show for the East Coast and then another for the West. Mom had a nice 5 year run on that show.
Years later she joined the Screen Extras Guild and did very well as a “Dress Extra” for over 30 years. She’s probably best known for her small part in the original “Poseidon Adventure”.
So back in early ’73 she gets a 3 day call on a film at MGM that would also need dozens of non-union extras so she suggested me. It was “Soylent Green” and we worked in scenes in a NYC cathedral where we were camped out on the floor. It was actually Winter when this was shot but they sprayed all of us with glycerin to make us look sweaty. Chuck Connors was playing a hired killer and I remember him stepping on my hand in one shot. They had to cut when he apologized to me.
Watching the film later made me grateful that I wasn’t involved in the exterior riot scenes where people got scooped up. That could not have been a good time!
So in 1981 I was working for a Multi-Media company in Hollywood and some extra work on the side. My first SEG job was on “Mommie Dearest” and then “Poltergeist” a week or so later. I eventually had my own LAPD uniform and also worked as a college student, reporter, lawyer, doctor etc. Back then it was a relatively small group of a few hundred people that worked on shows like “The Love Boat”, “Dallas”, “Taxi”, “St. Elsewhere”, and “Hill St. Blues” to name a few.
From ’90-’94 I was a Casting Director at Central Casting. It was a nice group to work with but I found I am just not cut out for a desk job! I handled a bunch of different shows but the most challenging was “Star Trek: The Next Generation”. Lots of very specific background types needed there along with coordinating the various regulars according to uniform color, gender, race, etc. that made it pretty labor intensive. A very nice production company though and they always included me on their crew gift list. (Next Generation image courtesy of the Star Trek t shirt category)
One of the last pilots I worked on at Central was “E.R.” and months later when it was picked up and ready to go into production, they requested me to work it. When they found out I was gone from Central but now working as a stand-in, they still wanted me! I worked the first week of the first episode standing in for Noah Wylie. Who knows how long I might have stayed there if they hadn’t required that all of the stand-in’s also work in picture. I have no problem doing that once in awhile but for virtually every scene? You are doing 2 jobs and getting paid for 1 along with having to be on your feet all day and scrambling to use the toilet or get some coffee. Plus a show that relied heavily on the steadicam, it would be tough to watch your actor to see if there were any changes and be making crosses down another corridor. Again it was a nice bunch but I had to say goodbye and move on. No regrets!
I did several multi-camera shows that filmed with a live audience and that was a lot of work but I enjoyed it. A few more features and Movies of the Week and then “Brimstone” and you know the rest.
I also worked Background on a fair amount of commercials back in the 80′s and that was almost always good easy money. A Bud Light spot that started out as just background as a bartender got me up-graded to “Principal” with residuals that meant thousands of dollars when everyone was out of work because of a strike back in ’88. Very good timing there!