So for Xmas a friend gave me a mix CD of Jonathon Coulton (JoCo) songs, which has been burning a hole in my car CD player ever since.  I had of course heard the Re: Your Brains song and love it, but I was really impressed by all the songs and feel the need to review his music here.

If you have not listened to JoCo before, shame on you.  Turn in your nerd card at the door and don’t let it hit you on the ass.  Basically he is a uber nerd folk singer.  He has a great voice and is a good song writer, but what sells him to me is when you listen to his lyrics you realize he has the same nerd dream of the future I and every other good nerd has.  Evil super villain scientists, zombie apocalypses, robot super warriors, and alien invasion to name a few.  His best song is probably Re: Your Brains, the story of a corporate zombie who turns into a real zombie and tries to convince a survivor to give him his brains, but I love the Skullcrusher Mountain song and the Future song.  All great and really funny.  (Forbidden Planet image courtesy of the science fiction t shirts)

The greatest thing about him, however, is not his lyrics or his nerd attitude but rather the fact that he actually sounds like a mainstream folk singer while performing.  In other words you can play his music when with a girl who may not be into anything cool.  Heck, even my mom can listen to it and as long as she doesn’t listen too carefully to the lyrics will actually like it.  Finally a chance to geek out while hanging out with “normals”.  Try it.  It really works.

My only concern is this: is JoCo a nerdish folk singer or actually serious competition for my ultimate plan for world domination?  If the former I will continue to support and enjoy his music.  If the latter I will continue to enjoy his music while I destroy him.  There can be only one.  For that matter the rest of you had better get on board with the winning team now by subscribing to my RSS feed and Twitter.  Don’t delay on this.  When I complete my unstoppable plan for conquest there will be those who are members of my new ruling class and live like kings and those who will be slave labor in my underground sewage powered muck farms (by the way, if you happen to be one of the several hundred women who have rejected me over the years don’t bother with signing up for anything.  Best you should go shopping now for the muck bucket of your choice.  Brenda from high school, I am talking to you).

However, I like to believe JoCo will fit in to the Dave new world order and will live a long and prosperous life as my court minstrel and Minister of the Arts.  As long as he enforces my edict regarding street mimes (death to the creepy, pale, silent bastards) then we will get along just fine.

Anyway, check him out.  He is phenomenally good.  I am not going to bother with the whole stars/black holes thing, as I can’t think of a single black hole and doing all stars will make me look like a mark for him.  I’d estimate about 10 stars.  Very good.

In answer to yesterday’s who-would-win question, I think it all boils down to will.  If Zan and Jayna have the fortitude and will to turn into a Kodiak bear and an ice M1 Abrams main battle tank,  Witchiepoo would be done in pretty short order.  If, on the other hand, they opt to go with a California condor and an ice pogo stick for Gleep while they try to capture her, Wichiepoo will have them in the cooking pot pretty quick.  Personally I would have to bet on the witch of the Living Island.

Today is an interesting question too.  Who would win; Alice from Resident Evil or Mad Max from the Road Warrior?

OK, a week of friends, family, and holiday cheer has gotten me over being rejected last week and, like a Superball dropped off the Empire State Building I have bounced back.  However, while my motivations for starting this subject may have been suspect, I still believe this is both relevant and useful (not to mention funny) and will continue with it.  Tonight we start a list of things to specifically NOT do after getting rejected.

1.  Do not get a tattoo or body piercing in some painful spot. I can’t stress this one enough.  Not that I have an issue with tattoos or piercings, having had several over the years myself.  However, the decision to get one and, more importantly, what to get and where on your body,  should be made with a clear head, not while wallowing in the depths of  despair.  You will probably end up with a tattoo of Edgar Allen Poe on your ass, and this is the kind of mistake you can make that will haunt you for quite a while.

2.  Do not pick fights with random guys in bars. True, you have just had your manhood more or less kicked in the nads, but drunken violence against strangers has about a 15% chance of helping you recover your machismo and an 85% chance of you getting your ass kicked.  It’s surprising how often guys who look kind of whimpy through an alcoholic fog turn out to be kind of tough, or have a bunch of friends hanging around looking for the chance to beat the hell out of something.  Also, there is a distinct chance you are just looking for a way to hurt yourself and drunkenly decided the toughest looking guy is the way to do that.  However, you have no control of how much pain he will bring to the table.

3.  In general, do not do anything that you can say “This will show her.” Trust me, you have already blown it.  There isn’t enough hang gliding, skateboarding, or other dangerous, macho stuff you can do to convince her she needs to see you naked again.  Don’t quit your job by yelling at your boss (or buying a gun and shooting up you work place).  Don’t join some cult.  Don’t make any huge changes to your lifestyle until your head is clear.

4.  Don’t inundate her with attempts to contact. There is a very fine line between infatuation and stalking, and once she has rejected you that line becomes so thin you couldn’t see it with an electron microscope.  Trust me, even a single text or email will start her looking at getting a restraining order.  The best you can hope for is to run into her randomly at some point and have a really awkward conversation.  However, trying to arrange this “random” meeting is pretty much the definition of stalking.  Give it up.

5.  Don’t find some other girl you are attracted to and bitch to her about the girl who just dumped you in hopes of getting some sympathy (cough cough pity cough cough) love. Friends are a great resource and should be willing to suffer through your tribes and tribulations, but if there is a girl you have always had a thing for don’t bitch to here in secret hopes that she will sleep with you.  She never will.  You will look and sound like one of her girl friends in both demeanor and gender.  Also, if some time down the road the new girl does want to hook up with you she will be forever haunted by the ghost of girlfriend past.

For the most part, avoid anything that is dramatic and/or potentially self destructive.  Next post I will talk about thinks you SHOULD do after being rejected.

As for the question of Pee Wee Herman versus Sgt. Shultz, I think as comedic as Shultz is he does have military training and access to automatic weapons.  I think it would go to him.  Not my best question, in my opinion, but I was in a hurry.

Today’s question, I think, is better thought out.  Uber annoying limited meta-morphs the Wonder Twins from the JLA verses super creepy heavy Witchiepoo from drug inspired H.R. Pufnstuf.  (JLA image courtesy of the Superman t shirts).

By the way, in case you were wondering, Witchiepoo’s full name Wilhelmina W. Witchiepoo.  WWW???  To bad, Al Gore.  Looks like we found the real inventor of the internet.  Her very cool vehicle was aptly named the Vroom Broom.  She also had a henchman named Stupid Bat.  I have to give her props for that.  It is a evil super villain cliche that the henchmen all be of less than average intelligence, but to employ one who has the word Stupid in his name speaks of a commitment to the stereotype that is beyond the pale.

Sorry I haven’t been blogging this week, but it has been a lot of holiday cheer and food coma.  I have been at my mothers house, who barely has electricity, much less any form of  interlink connection.  Normally this isn’t a problem, as I can head down to Borders and (ab)use their free WiFi.  However, they have been crazy busy and were also closed early on the 24th and all day on the 25th (damn them for wanting to have a life and family.  Don’t they know I need to get online and bitch about my dating life?) so I have been more or less stuck watching Law and Order reruns (my mom’s favorite show).  I also spent a whole day at my sisters eating too much and watching my brother-in-law try to teach my mom how to use her new digital camera (I would be the one to do it, but he apparently has more tolerance for explaining where the power button is over and over.  Also, I know I will be getting her “What does it mean when it does this?” calls for the next 23 months, so I am saving my energy).

Anyway, I spent yesterday with my best friend and his kids and we went to see the movie Despicable Me, a cartoon story about yet another evil super villain becoming a good guy thanks to some good hearted females.  Sounds suspiciously like the story from Megamind, which came out about the same time.  It’s weird how different studios come up with the same idea for a movie about the same time.  However, I have worked in trend merchandise for the last eight and noticed that things seem to get popular all over the country almost simultaneously, so I guess it could be considered another example of convergent evolution.  In other words, the time is right for a evil super villain to turn good, so different studios come up with the same concept at the same time.  Also, this movie came out a couple weeks before Megamind.

Anyway, the story is about the less than lovable Gru, a pointy nosed super villain who is in danger of being supplanted by a younger, more energetic super villain named Vortex.  He has his most dastardly plan to date foiled by Vortex and comes up with a plan to get it back on track that involves using three orphan little girls as a distraction.  The girls are from the least humane orphanage ever, run by a woman graduate of the Cruella de Ville School of Social Interaction (this joke is particularly funny to me as I recently had it pointed out that a certain sister of a friend of mine whom I despise with the burning passion of 10,000 suns bears a shocking resemblance to Cruella in both appearance and demeanor) and forces the girls to sell cookies and tells them they will never get adopted.  He passes what must be the most cursory background check of all time and gets the girls.  Cutesy hi jinx ensue, Gru falls in love with the girls and being a single parent, and ends up a good guy (sort of).

Overall pretty entertaining, if more kid friendly than Megamind.  My only real issue was in the treatment of the little girl characters.  Gru had a ton of cool development stuff, including a number of flashbacks to a traumatized childhood where his mother constantly told him he sucked and would never amount to anything.  However, while the girls were all supposed to be distinct personalities (one the sassy troublemaker, another the brainy mystery solver, the third the super cute comic relief) but there is no attempt at developing their characters whatsoever.  Also, while Gru’s motivations are all pretty clear, you can’t figure out why the head of the orphanage does anything other than evil-for-evil’s-sake.

Let’s do the stars and black holes.  Stars first.  It’s a cartoon.  One star.  It stars a super villain.  One star.  Two words: shrink ray.  One star.  Two more words: freeze ray.  One star.  Gru is well developed and cool.  One star.  His comic relief minions were actually really funny and cool, not super annoying.  One star.  He makes the girls beds out of recycled WWI style bombs.  One star.  It’s overall fun to watch.  One star.  Total: eight stars.

Now the black holes.  The story was a little too kid friendly.  One black hole.  The girl’s characters were really under developed.  One BH.  Vector, the competing super villain, was an annoying Bill Gates spoof who bugged me at every turn.  One BH.  The girls were involved in some kind of ballet recital and wore pink tutus.  One black hole.  The 3D effects were kind of weak and added nothing to the movie except my usual 3D headache.  One black hole.  Total: 5 black holes.

Net total, three stars.  Good movie, entertaining, but not great.  I saw it for 2 bucks and was glad for that.  I’d say take your kids and be glad it’s a movie they will like that you can get a few laughs out of.

For the who win question, Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter versus Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I’m going to have to go with Buffy.  Sure, Abe is taller with better reach and upper body strength, but Buffy is way more into cardio.  Also, she is a Slayer.  In truth, I’d like to see a Marvel like episode where they fight each other for a while and then team up to kill the bigger evil.  (Buffy image courtesy of the TV show t-shirts category)

For today post, the question is Pee Wee Herman versus Sgt. Shultz from Hogan’s Heroes.

“Love is like a snowmobile flying across the frozen tundra that suddenly flips over, trapping you underneath in the sub-zero temperature.  At night, the ice weasels come.” – Matt Groening

I am going to suspend the line I was on earlier on making out due to the fact that I recently had an event that has caused me to question my ability to advise anyone on dating.  Instead, I am going to discuss something that I am if anything overqualified to discuss: getting rejected and dealing with it.

(By the way, don’t worry too much about me.  Odds are by this time next week I will be back in my usual cocky form.  I tend to snap back pretty good.  Thank god for self delusion)

Anyway, being rejected sucks, and any of my female readers may actually gain something in terms of learning how to make this less painful (or, for that matter, more painful if that is your personal bent, as I currently believe most women are inclined).

In the interest of not being totally bitter and dark I will start off with discussing the timing of being rejected.  There are bad times and slightly less bad times to be rejected.  I would say a week before Christmas is among the worst times to be rejected.  Same with your birthday, 4th of July, or any other weekend that promises to be particularly fun.  Tends to be a bit of a downer.

On the other hand, getting dumped right before Thanksgiving is not bad, as you can freely drown your sorrows in the food coma you were going to fall into anyway.  Also, being surrounded by friends and family who wish you well is a nice salve for the burn (if, however, you don’t have any friends or family you might as well move to your Unabomber-style shack now).

The worst time, however, to be rejected is right before Valentines Day.  No woman will willingly go into V-Day single, so if she dumps you right before it inevitably means she has someone else on deck, as it were.  Also, I have found that the whole greeting card industry “You are a loser if you don’t have someone” message hits home like an acid covered harpoon in your gut when you have been recently dumped.

On the other hand, if you are looking for a slightly less painful time to dump a nerd, the best would be about a week before a big video game release.  If you are going to dump a nerd and want to let him down easy, do it just before Cataclysm comes out so he can drown his sorrow by ganking lowbies in Stranglethorn Vale (WOW image courtesy of the WOW t shirts category).

It has been my experience, however, that the vast majority of women have little to no interest in making this easier for the guy.  If I were a cynical person I would have to say that most of them are solely motivated to end it as quickly and conveniently as possible for themselves with no regard for the damage done as they pull the rip cord.  Good thing I’m not cynical.

Incidentally, I am really not normally as bitter as I sound right now.  However, I think the bitterness makes this post funnier.  I love gallows humor.

Anyway, just a few words on timing a rejection.  Tomorrow a list of things to NOT do when you are dumped.

The question posed in the last post, Maxwell Smart versus Austin Powers, is actually quite the conundrum.  Austin Powers regularly killed more guys than Maxwell Smart and had a great nemesis in Dr. Evil.  On the other hand, Smart worked for an organization with a much cooler name (CONTROL), fought a cooler sounding enemy (KAOS), and had the painfully hot 99 helping him.  I think I am going to bet on Maxwell Smart, if only because Austin Powers had no trouble getting women and at the moment guys like that annoy the bejeesus out of me.  I guess I’d like to see him eat a bullet right now.  Not that I’m bitter.

For today, I am going to go mix genres.  Who would win, Buffy the Vampire Slayer versus Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter?

Tuesday night is cheap movie tickets and I figured seeing a movie by myself in a theater is marginally more social than sitting around my office writing t–shirt descriptions.  Plus it gives me something to write about for this blog, so win-win.

I chose Unstoppable in hopes it would suck so I could write some scathing review that would be really funny.  I tend to be better, I think, when I am bitching about something.  The trailers made it look like a bad Speed remake, and the fact that Chris Pine was one of the stars was going to give me a window to express my issues with the last Star Trek movie in a humorous manner.

In truth, I was disappointed.  Not in the movie sucking, but rather in the fact that it was actually really, really entertaining.  I have always been a fan of Denzel Washington, and I guess I should have had more faith in his ability to distinguish between a good script and Battlefield Earth.  Kudos, Denzel!

The story is pretty basic.  Some white trash moron sends a train loaded with explosive toxic chemicals down the a track with no one at the controls and the deadman switch (one of the coolest phrases of all time) disconnected.  Denzel plays a grizzled train engineer veteran and Chris Pine the newbie conductor (they obviously live in the parallel universe where amazingly hot guys get blue collar jobs).  There is some sub plots involving Chris’s estranged wife and Denzel’s stunningly hot Hooters waitress daughters, but most of the entirety of the movie involved figuring out how to stop the train before it blows up most of Pennsylvania.

That’s pretty much it, but about 40 minutes into the movie something really strange started to happen.  “What is this weird, new sensation I am experiencing?” I asked.  I pondered for a minute and suddenly figured it out.  It was excitement.  Yes, for the first time in years of movies I was excited by the action of the film, and honestly concerned for the well being of the characters.  It was like seeing my first ever movie all over again.  It was about 100 times more exciting than anything from Tron Legacy that I saw last week.

Let’s let the stars speak for themselves.  The story is based on real events.  One star.  It involves trains.  One star.  The sub plots did not dominate the story or annoy me.  One star.  Both Denzel and Chris played their characters extremely well.  One star.  The writers did not break any of the laws of physics or thermodynamics in order to make the movie more exciting.  One star.  The action was both exciting and believable.  One star.  All the women were hot.  One star.  They did not force one of the main characters to be a chick for sex appeal (cough cough Sandra Bullock Speed cough cough).  One star.  Nobody did something blatantly stupid, and all the character motivations were clear and believable.  One star.  The camera work really immersed you in the movie, making it seem like you were in the action.  One star.  Net result: 10 stars.

Now the black holes, as there are very few movies without them.  They managed to write in a train full of 150 grade school kids on a train safety field trip (???  What school has money to burn on something like that?  For god’s sake it’s insulting) in danger of running headlong into the train early on in a pathetic attempt to either draw out sympathy or make it seem somehow more “real”.  Two black holes.  The guy from the government sent down to lecture said children on train safety (how much time does it take to say “Keep your head and arms inside the train at all times”?) was by amazing coincidence an expert on all things train related, including the nature of the toxic cargo carried by the train (molten phenol).  One black hole.  They managed to crowbar in a scene where the police SWAT teams shoot at the train with assault rifles in an attempt to hit some kind of stop switch that can be activated with bullets.  One black hole.  That’s it.  Four black holes total.

Net result is a whopping six stars, my highest score to date.  Honestly, this is a really fun movie.  It is not a movie about anyone coming to grips with feelings or anything, so if you want to see something like that wait for Love and Other Drugs.  It is also, with the exception of the aforementioned attempt to stop the train with bullets, not a shoot-em-up or action film in the classic sense.  However, I think most people will enjoy it and have a pleasant evening, especially if you can see it for $5.

In answer to yesterdays who-would-win question, it is my opinion that Frank Castle’s training, experience, and more versatile equipment (including his body armor) would give the Punisher the ability to beat Jayne Cobb, in spite of Jayne’s superior attitude.  Sad but true.  (Punisher image courtesy of the Punisher t shirts).

For today, let’s consider what would happen if Maxwell Smart had to fight Austin Powers.  Who would win?

So you’ve successfully kissed her without her screaming, punching you in the balls, or macing you.  Congratulations.  Now what.

You have just crossed the border into the make out zone.  This is a good zone and one that women actually like, as it is fun and doesn’t have all the baggage associated with actually having sex has (as a matter of fact, in my dating history I have successfully answered the question “What do you want to do now?” with “I don’t know.  I thought we could go back to your place and make out” and had it work.  I don’t recommend you do this yourself as it is both situational and potentially explosive, but there it is).

Before we get into how to proceed, let’s set our definitions.  In an effort to cater to every American cliche possible I will be using the classic baseball base system.  For those of you unfamiliar here are the base definitions:

First base: Kissing with tongue, for the most part.  You should already be here in this part of the progression.

Second base: Feeling under shirt, but over bra and undergarments.  This is usually as far as you can reasonably expect to get on the first make out session.

Third base: Everything but.  More or less nudity without actual, full on intercourse.  Getting stopped here makes for a bad drive home.

Home run: Congratulations.  You have now joined the procreating portion of the human race.  Share this URL with your less apt friends and try to not disappoint her.

In truth, there are about 20 other bases between second and the home plate, but we don’t have any sports with 24 bases so the metaphor kind of falls apart.  Furthermore, that is as graphic as I intend to get, so if you really need more instructions when you hit a home run I am sure you can find it elsewhere.

Short post for now.  Next post I will discuss how far to push the bases as you make out with your girl.

Yesterday’s question, Jar Jar Binks versus Chaka (yes, I know I spelled it wrong yesterday.  Stop spamming me about it please), kind of annoys me.  I can only hope that Jar Jar gets beat up by everything surrounding him on a regular basis including plants and fungus, but the truth is he seems quicker and has the reach on Chaka.  Also, while Chaka looks fairly primitive he seems to lack the feral teeth and claws that would make him a true combat beast.  I have to regretfully bet on Jar Jar.

Today’s question is more serious: Jayne Cobb with Vera versus the Punisher (Jayne image courtesy of the Firefly t shirt category).

Odds are this would have helped you more a few months ago, but it didn’t occur to me until today that this might be useful.

As I have stated before, while I am decent at meeting and dating women, I have always been pretty mediocre when it comes to maintaining a relationship.  A lot of this is on me, but a lot of it is on the women I date as well (it takes two to tango).  Of course, since these issues seem to be endemic to the women I am attracted to, I guess it all really falls upon me due to the fact that my selection process pulls in flawed women.

Either that or there are no sane women out there, a premise I find both feasible and depressing.

Anyway, one thing I am an expert at is rejection and short to moderate length relationships.  That being said, I have noticed patterns in the whole relationship cycle as it relates to the the seasons and more specifically the holidays.  This info may help you on the front end, but if you figure out how to apply it to the back end for god’s sake share it with me.

Here’s how it works.  Women hate going into the holidays single.  Christmas (or your Winter holiday of choice) is the time when you get together with  friends and family to compare lives and try to figure out who is the biggest loser of the year.  Women are already struggling under a huge burden of self esteem issues, and not having a boyfriend or husband seriously compounds those issues.  Every time they hear from their mother or sister “So when are you going to meet a nice man and marry him?” that is the female equivalent of someone asking a guy “So when is your other ball going to drop?”  Nothing is worse for a woman than to go to the company holiday party and have to be the only single woman there.

That is the foundation of the cycle.  Women start looking for a relationship in September and early October.  The weather starts to suck, and people start to feel lonely.  This way they can have the super fun Halloween party date (the onus to be in a relationship is less strong for Halloween, but costume parties are always more fun to go to as a couple when you can coordinate your costumes) and have the relationship be a couple months old when it comes time for Christmas.  When the gift giving season comes around it is great to have someone new to buy gifts for (and to buy you gifts) so you can get something different from the same sweater your mom gets you every year.  You can bring your new boyfriend to the holiday parties and have all the other women, still stuck with the same guy for 15 years, be totally jealous (new is always more interesting and exciting).

Then, there is the added benefit of having someone to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve while the crowd of single losers look on with palpable jealousy (if you look carefully into that photo you will probably see me).  After that you get the post-holiday winter blues that are aggravating by being in the deep, dank, horribly depressing winter months when it’s really nice to have someone to cuddle up to.

Then we come to the one day a year when a boyfriend is more important than air: Valentines Day.  If a girl doesn’t have flowers and gifts arriving for her on February 14th she will feel like a social pariah for the rest of the year.  This is the girl equivalent of Green Lantern recharging his power ring, except that it lasts for exactly one year.  Like Green Lantern if she doesn’t recharge she is a mere mortal once again. (Green Lantern logo image courtesy of the DC Comic t-shirts)

However, once you have served your V-Day function, things are likely to change.  I’m not saying she will dump you soon, but everything you do that annoys here will no longer have the I’ve-got-to-have-a-man filter and will become glaringly obvious.  Also, as the weather warms up she will be wearing less clothing and every other swinging Richard on the planet will be paying a lot more attention to her, assuaging her self esteem issues and stroking her ego.  So with your flaws like a paper cut on her brain and a summer of dating and guys to look forward to, you can expect to get dumped sometime in April or May, which by no coincidence is almost always exactly six months.

Again, this is not the pattern 100% of the time, but I have seen it enough times, both personally and through friends, to approach April and May with dread.  This info can help a lot when it comes time to determine when you want to focus your dating efforts (Sept-Oct) and also when you want to minimize your flaws (Feb 15th-the rest of your life).  Also, women who make a New Years Resolution to loose weight and actually do it are eyeballing the bathing suit months so it might be the time to match her pound for pound.

Anyway, this post is less about actual, applicable dating advice and more about observation and ranting about how my dating life kind of blows.  I’ll get back on track next post.

As for the Superman vs Prof. X question, it is my opinion that if Superman as originally written took the time to talk to the Professor he would be mind controlled and eating a Kryptonite sandwich in about three seconds.  On the other hand, if he just charged in with super speed and launched Charles’s chair into orbit then Superman would win.  Of course, in recent years they have said that Superman has heightened resistance to mind control (because he wasn’t powerful enough, I guess) so who knows.

Today’s question is another battle of the moronic comedy relief characters: Shaka from Land of the Lost versus racially insensitive carbuncle on the ass of the Star Wars universe Jar Jar Binks.

So I have discovered I like doing these movie reviews, and this time instead of doing something that has been out for weeks I would do something that just opened  up (I also figured out that if I review these movies on my blog I can call the movie ticket a business expense.  Life is good).

I just saw Tron Legacy in 3d.  Normally I avoid 3D as it gives me a headache and I don’t think adds a lot to the movie experience, but I felt that if there were one movie I need to see on as an elaborate screen as possible, it’s this one.  Overall, not a bad movie going experience, but not the earth shattering tribute to the first amazing Tron was.  I’ll total it up after going through the points, but let’s see. (Flynn’s Arcade image courtesy of the science fiction t shirts).

Incidentally, if you have not seen or are not a fan of the first Tron, I would say this movie will be entirely wasted on you.  A lot of the issues I was able to forgive due to being a massive fan of the whole Tron thing.  If you are not than you will spend a lot of time wondering what just happened and why.

I approach most Disney movies with the same caution and reservation I would use in approaching a plague-ridden bunny rabbit.  It’s still pretty cute and can be fun to watch, but is also terribly sick and likely running with all kinds of vile pus, bile, and humours.  Disney has a way to taking a great movie concept and forcing it into it’s cookie-cutter, kid friendly PG model (by they way, Disney, kid friendly translates into suck for most adults with a 12 year old or older mentality).  However, since this movie was an original Disney movie I can’t hate on them too much, and while the violence was definitely sanitized for kids they didn’t abuse it too much.

I’ll recap the story briefly, without spoiling anything.  Kevin Flynn has been missing for 21 years.  His dropout, slacker (sort of) son is now the owner of Encom, a massive computer company based on a real life computer company that shall go nameless but rhymes remarkably with LicroToft.  However, he doesn’t run the thing and the company is headed by an evil looking CEO and cocky software developer who show up as the early heavies and the proceed to disappear entirely for the rest of the movie (something tells me some kind of corporate power struggle ended up on the cutting room floor.  These characters serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever).  Sam Flynn, the son, is sucked into the Grid and has to run around, finding his father and saving the world from some ill defined nemesis.

Honestly, the story felt like it had been Skyped in over a dial up connection.  It seems pretty apparent Disney was counting on amazing CGI and special effects to carry the movie which, for the most part, it does.  However, given the fact that guys producing films in their garages have access to the same technology (for proof, check out Iron Sky, a movie I would like to see get finished) building a movie around special effects is not a way to create a movie legacy (haw!  Me so clever).

First the stars.  Jeff Bridges is in the movie.  Two stars.  The special effects are freaking amazing.  Three stars.  The two female characters are super hot and wear skin tight outfits.  One star.  Disney managed to avoid the trap Lucas fell into and not have EVERY REFERENCE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE SHOW UP IN THIS ONE.  One star.  There was an amazing light cycle battle that later showed up again with a really cool twist.  Two stars.  The costumes were super cool and perfectly in theme.  One star.  There were Recognizers.  One star.  The fight sequences were well choreographed and very cool.  One star.  None of the characters annoyed me.  One star.  Total: 13 stars.

Now the black holes.  There were any number “What the hell just happened?” and “Why the hell did he do that?” moments.  There was no apparent motivation for anyone to do anything.  Two black holes.  The story overall kind of blew.  Two BHs.  In spite of being called Tron, Tron himself has a bit role wherein you never see his face and says less than 10 words.  Also, they were gearing up for a huge Tron related surprise that would have been really cool except they decided the audience was brain damaged and just gave it away for no reason.  One BH.  The pacing kind of sucked.  There were more than a few scenes wherein I was seriously in danger of dozing off because absolutely nothing was happening.  Two BHs.  The whole movie seemed to be gearing up towards a huge, epic final battle that never surfaced.  One BH.  In spite of breaking several of the basic laws of thermodynamics there was no attempt to explain where the technology to enter the grid came from like in the first movie.  In fact, they don’t even talk about how they did it or show the transformation process.  I think they just assumed we would all remember it from the first movie.   One BH.  There was no Sark.  One BH.  Total: 10 black holes.

So that gives us a net result of three stars.  Overall, not bad, but not amazing.  However, if I weren’t a fan of Tron I might have been a little harsher and scored it lower.  The fact that I saw the 7pm showing in the only 3D theater for about 15 miles and the place was maybe 20% full might give you an idea of how well it’s going to do at the theater.  Once all the fan boys (like me) see it I don’t know if it really has the legs to pull in the big numbers.  I would say your best bet is see it once, but don’t drag your girlfriend or non-Tron fan friends to see it or you will owe her a serious chick flick for this one.

As for yesterday’s question, it is my unfortunate opinion that Airwolf would beat Blue Thunder, in spite of the fact that Blue Thunder looked 100 times cooler.  Airwolf had more in the way of missiles while Blue Thunder only had the minigun.  Too bad.

Today’s question is might over brain: who would win, Superman verses Professor Charles Xavier?

So I was in my local drug store last night and they were playing the usual suspects for the holiday music scene.  I don’t have a lot of problems with Xmas carols per se, but after a week of hearing the same 25 songs we heard over and over again last year they tend to start feeling like sandpaper in my inner ear canal.  However, there is one song that always bugs me from the first time I hear it and that is Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Here’s the thing.  In a way to further alienate myself from 99% of the rest of my high school instead of taking Spanish or French (or, for that matter, a language remotely useful anywhere in the world) I joined about 14 other introverts in taking Latin.  The Latin teacher was a sadistic bastard who disliked me intensely and loved nothing more than to watch me and the rest of the class twist in the wind (to this day I still can’t figure out why I stayed with him for three years.  Glutton for punishment, I guess).

Anyway, one of the ways Mr. Balak would torture us was every holiday he would take Christmas carols and make us translate them into Latin.  Then he would make us stand up in class and sing them for the rest of the class (if you have a fear of public speaking, try singing a holiday song in front of your class in a foreign language.  Burn the fear out of you quickly and painfully).  It was pretty bad, although in retrospect not as bad as translating and singing fast food jingles in Latin.  Remember “Two all beef paddies, special sauce lettuce cheese”?  I do.

Whoever was highest on Mr. Balaks excrement list got Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer.  It was a real pain, as you had to find translations for words like reindeer.  Also adjectives like shiny really don’t translate well.  In fine tradition I spent most of my three years in the top three of his e-list, so I got saddled with it one year.  Needless to say, I spent about a week examining it carefully and am intimately familiar with it.  I have spent way too much of my life thinking about it, and over the years I have come to realize how much it sucks.

Think about it.  Rudolph is born with a genetic abnormality and his peers mercilessly tease and abuse him for it.  He is excluded from participating in their normal day-to-day activities and Santa, the man who should be his protector and advocate, blatantly ignores the incredibly ugly situation and, in fact, enables the abuse with his tacit, unspoken approval of Rudolph’s mistreatment.  Then, when his work schedule is jeopardized by inclement weather, decides that, rather than attaching some headlights or maybe adding some kind of instruments to his aircraft (both of which would have cost him money), he will exploit Rudolphs abnormality to his own benefit.  At that point the rest of the reindeer “accept” him.

My god!  When you think about it, this is like teasing and abusing a man born with no arms or legs.  Then, when there is a huge leak in the local damn, using him to plug the hole with his body.  Then you buy him a pizza to thank him.  Really, could this be any worse?

Anyway, this thought gets on my mind every year, and I’m glad to finally have a venue to talk about it.

So in answer to the yesterday’s who-would-win is, of course, R2D2.  Tweekie just doesn’t possess the motor skills (hah) or upper body strength to actually damage R2D2, and Dr. Theopolis is really just another ablative layer between Tweekie and the great scrapyard in the sky.   R2 would just arc weld them into a bronze puddle.  Also, R2 can fly.

Today’s question is vehicular in nature:  the helicopter from Blue Thunder versus the helicopter from Airwolf (Airwolf image courtesy of the TV show t shirt category).

P.S.  The first line of Rudolph in Latin is Rudolpho, rheno rubear. Now you know.

So at movie night a couple weeks ago my friend showed Kick Ass.  This movie is a favorite of mine.  I didn’t bother to review it as it has been seen by pretty much everyone I know and most likely everyone reading this blog, but it got me started thinking about superheroes who have no natural super powers.

In my humble opinion, these are the true heroes.  It’s easy to stop crime when you are bulletproof, super strong, can fly, have x-ray vision, and can melt stuff with your eyes.  The real heroes (are all in Afghanistan right now, in my opinion) are guys who could be killed by any random thugs bullet and have to ride a skateboard to the crime scene yet still manage to get some stuff done.  Here is my personal list.  (By the way, I am going to not list guys who gained super powers from super technology like Green Lantern or Iron Man)

10.  Sgt. Rock. This guy was a man’s man, and showed Hitler’s boys what for.  Seriously, I think there is a serious lack of military heroes listed in the lexicon of comic heroes.  He is a crack shot, dangerous as hell in close combat, and has been shot so many times his dress uniform must look like a grape from all the Purple Hearts on it.

9.  Shaggy from Scooby Doo. I never liked Scooby Doo, to be honest.  It seemed like all the villains went to an amazing amount of trouble to accomplish over several month what ten minutes and a handful of bullets would do.  Also, why was it they always found diamond smugglers in dead astronaut costumes instead of cocaine smugglers in body armor?  However, of all the characters on that show I liked Shaggy the best, if only because he was truly a coward but, like a true hero, was able to rise above his terror and do what was necessary.  He was the only human character with a true sense of his own mortality.  He was also the only one who had the brains to suggest the radical plan of “Let’s get the hell out of here before we all end up hanging on a meat hook.”

8.  Nick Fury, head of S.H.I.E.L.D. This man goes to show how far a man with one eye and a smoking habit can go, as long as he has super advanced training, equipment, and a team agents ready to obey every order.  Still, very cool character (S.H.I.E.L.D. image courtesy of the Marvel comics t-shirts).

7.  Green Arrow. Not only does this guy have no super powers, his technology was antiquated about the time of the invention of gunpowder.  Also, it takes super courage to go out in public wearing that Robin Hood feathered cap and Ren Faire beard.

6.  Oracle. Barbara Gordan, rendered a paraplegic by the Joker, turned out to be a super information broker and investigator, as well as a computer hacker and date mining expert.  It has been said that the pen is mightier than the sword, and in the modern age information is the most dangerous weapon out there, so I think we will see more heroes of her stripe.

5.  Big Daddy, Hit Girl, and Kick Ass. I am going to lump these three into one listing as they all come from the same comic and movie.  Big Daddy is a fav of mine in particular, especially in his willingness to use any weapon available to accomplish his goes.

4.  Brock Sampson. Brock Sampson is so the man.  No superpowers, no guns.  Just a knife, a pack of smokes, a serious bloodlust, and a ’69 Charger.  Also he is a chick magnet (guys who are following my blog for dating advice look at how he interacts with women.  Notice how he says hardly anything and kind of ignores them?  Take notes, boys).

3.  The Punisher. Duh.  Frank Castle is the epitome of what a bad attitude combined some military training and seed money can do.  Ex-marine, by the way, and there were some great comics of his experiences in Vietnam.  Truly great.

2.  The Chainsaw Vigilante. This guy is awesome.  His stated goal is to convince other heroes wihn no powers to give up the life and return to their jobs and so on.  He runs into the Tick, who is nigh invulnerable to his chainsaw justice.  I don’t know why I included him, except that he has an amazing costume and name.  I wish I could be known as the Chainsaw Vigilante.  Of course, for those of you who take offense at me using a minor villain in this list, substitute the Tick’s sidekick Arthur here.

1.  Batman. If I were to put anyone else at the top of this list, I would have to turn in my nerd card and then beat myself about the head and shoulders with a garden hose.  Seriously, in my opinion not only is Batman the greatest superhero with no powers, he is just the greatest superhero of all time.  Mr. “I’m-invulnerable-and-grew-up-in-pastoral-Smallville” Superman can suck it.

That’s it.  I think I have another rant in me for tomorrow having to do with my tragic childhood, but the post after that should be more dating advice.  As for the who-would-win question from yesterday, I hate to say it but I would have to vote for the Iron Giant.  He is bigger than Optimus Prime, is basically a walking cannon, and can self repair.  Sorry Optimus.

Todays question is also robotic in nature, if not scale.  Who would win:  Tweekie (with Dr. Theopolis) versus R2D2.