So I heard they are working on a reboot for Vacation, only with no Chevy Chase.  I’m definitely not sure how I feel about that.  I mean, the actual comedy written into the movie was kind of dumb.  It was really Chevy who made this film what it was.

This version seems to be about Chevy’s son Rusty taking his own trip to Wally World.  I’m kind of wracking my brain trying to figure out who could play the role and do well.  Dave is better at the movie stuff than I am.  I should ask him.

Anyway, this is another film that bugs me in that I don’t think it’s really needed.  Vacation was pretty amazing, and honestly there is no major advancements in special effects or filming you could use to justify redoing or rebooting it.  It’s a family in a car.  I could film that on my camera phone.  Once again it shows Hollywood as being desperate for any kind of inspiration.  Obviously they are so lacking in creativity and new ideas that they have to keep falling back to old stand bys.

No real point here I guess.  I just thought it was interesting.  I am neither excited or really offended by this.  I’ll wait to see what they produce.  The image I found in Dave’s movie tshirt category.

Jason

I should have done this yesterday, but this week is kind of crazy.  I don’t really want to tell you what I have going on, as it makes me look like an uber dork, but I will.  I have a tournament for Warhammer coming up this weekend and have to get four new models painted before Friday.  Wish me luck at the tournament please.

Anyway, I did not actually watch the Oscars.  Watching the massively wealthy, successful, and great looking people of Hollywood give each other phallic golden statues kind of annoys me, and some of the acceptance speeches by actors or actresses I formally respected makes me regret having ever seen a movie in my life.  From what I heard about the event I didn’t miss much.  Sounds like the same bland pap and smug self congratulatory ass kissing that goes on every year, although according to reports this year got even more boring.

However, I would be remiss in my duties as a self proclaimed movie reviewer if I did not at least comment on what movies got what awards.  For the most part I was not grievously offended by most of the awards, and was gratified to see that Tree of Life got what it deserved, which was el zilcho (and in truth the director should be parking cars at the Oscars next year).  I’ll go through them in the order of the list I just found on the interlink.

Best Cinematography-Hugo.  This makes sense.  Given that Martin Scorsese seems to have done this movie more to learn new filming techniques and 3D it works for me that he would do some amazing cinematography.  Also he is a brilliant director and knows his way around a camera. Hugo image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category.

Best Art Direction-Hugo.  Again, this film was made for amazing visuals, and the sets and props in this movie rocked.

Best Costume Design-The Artist.  Didn’t see it.  Probably not going to see it.  I know.  I’m a neanderthal.  From what I saw the costumes looked pretty good, and nothing else jumps into my mind for great costumes.

Best Make Up-The Iron Lady.  This one threw me off at first.  When I think of Best Make Up I go to Evil Ash from Army of Darkness.  But then I thought about this movie and the way the make up artist successfully made Meryl Streep look both young and vibrant and old and decrepit.  I lot of that goes to Streeps acting ability, but a healthy share belongs to the make up.  Kudos.

Best Foreign Language Film-A Separation.  Didn’t see it.  I just looked it up and odds are I should see it, although I think I might find it depressing.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role-Octavia Spencer, the Help.  I applaud this choice.  I loved her in this movie and thought she really rocked it.  I was torn on this one between her and Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids. I think they made a good choice here, however.

Best Film Editing-The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  I can see this.  I thought the pacing of this movie was excellent, and that is a reflection of the editing.

Best Sound Editing-Hugo.  It seemed pretty obvious to me that Hugo was destined to win all the technical awards.  Sound was good in this one.

Best Sound Mixing-Hugo.  Has there ever been a movie that won Best Sound Editing that hasn’t won Best Sound Mixing?  Why are they really separate awards?

Best Documentary Feature-Undefeated.  Didn’t see this one.  Documentary films rarely do much for me, unless it’s about Star Trek fans.

Best Animated Film-Rango.  I can see this.  I didn’t review this film as I saw it on video but it was certainly good.  Better than Tintin.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role-Christopher Plummer, Beginners.  I didn’t see this one, but enjoyed him in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

Best Original Score-the Artist.  Given that there was no dialog and the film was entirely score, it makes sense that they would win this.

Best Song-the Muppets, Man or Muppet.  I don’t know.  I loved the film and most of the songs were pretty good, but this song was sung by new Muppet Walter (the most boring Muppet since since Blandy McBlanderson) and Jason Segal (the second most boring Muppet since Blandy).  Seems like they could have picked a better one.  I think they voted this one just because the name is easy to remember and associate with the film.

Best Adapted Screenplay-the Descendants.  Excellent choice in my opinion.  I can’t really speak of this since I didn’t see the Artist, but I think it should have won best film.

Best Original Screenplay-Midnight in Paris.  I did enjoy this movie.  I don’t know if would have been my first choice, but I don’t find this choice objectionable.

Best Live Action Short-The Shore.  Isn’t this another term for Best YouTube Video?  That’s what it sounds like.  I suppose it’s a short made with live actors rather than a cartoon.  I didn’t see any of the nominees.  I don’t have time to watch movies these days.

Best Documentary Short-Saving Face.  I am more likely to watch a documentary short than a full on documentary.  I blame my MTV generation.

Best Animated Short-The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr Morris Lessmore.  Didn’t see this one, but it sounds like one of those whimsical cartoons parents love and wish their kids would love but the kids hate.

Best Director-Michel Hazavanicius, the Artist.  Again, didn’t see it.  Congratulations to Mr. Hazavanicius.  I don’t know if lightning will strike twice.

Best Actor in a Leading Role-Jean Dujardin, the Artist.

Best Actress in a Leading Role-Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady.  I totally agree with this one.  Meryl Streep is an exceptional actress and totally deserves this in my opinion.

Best Picture-The Artist.  OK, I’ll go see it and review it dammit!

That’s it.  Thanks for reading as always.  Like I said I’m super busy right now and might have to back off movies this week.  I’ll try to sneak off and see something before Friday.  Maybe a midnight showing of some kind.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu or email me david@nerdkungfu.com with questions, comments, or suggestion.  Feel free to post a comment here and as long as you keep it clean and I understand what you are asking I will approve it.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

Two good comedies rolled into one decent one.

As I evolve as a critic and learn more and more about the film industry I discover things I never really realized as a simple movie goer.  One is that any recent movie featuring Ron Perlman, in spite of his appeal as an actor, is likely to suck.  Another is that post Holiday movie releases are the runts of the Hollywood litter.  This is where films that movie makers are not really 100% sure are going to hit are relegated, each trying to be the big fish in a very small and murky pond.  Never was that more apparent to me than last week when I had to sit through This Means War, Journey 2: Mysterious Island, and Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance.

However, that is not to say you can’t find decent films.  They do appear.  Unfortunately finding them is akin to having to go through your bowel movements to locate the gold tooth you accidentally swallowed.  The film I did yesterday, Act of Valor, was decent as an action film (at least for those of us not interested in the tertiary aspects of films, such as story or acting), and, to my surprise, Wanderlust had me laughing quite a bit.

Let me say a few words about the main star of this film, Jennifer Aniston.  I am a fan of hers, and not just because she has a face that breaks my heart and a body most 20 year olds would kill for.  I saw her years ago in The Good Girl and realized she actually is fully capable as an actress.  She is, in fact, talented in my opinion.  I keep expecting her to make something worthy of an Oscar sometime soon.  Unfortunately she doesn’t seem to be capable of finding the right script, as her participation in the horrible film Horrible Bosses shows.  While I would term her performance in that role exactly what it called for, it was not a good vehicle for demonstrating your acting ability.

This film is better.  There will be no Oscar buzz surrounding it, but at least I found it entertaining.  She manages to demonstrate a nice range of acting ability while delivering comedy in a believable and realistic manner (much like a certain TV show about a close group of companions she used to be a cast member for).  However, I will take issue with the fact that she filmed a topless scene that at the last minute she had them take out.  The parts that are shown are pixelated, and that is a tragedy on the order of washing your new car only to discover what you thought was soap is actually paint remover.

Speaking of nudity, there was a lot of it in this film.  Unfortunately the vast majority of it involved swinging man dong.  What little else there was seemed to be all older women.  This movie definitely earned it’s R rating, but not from nudity.  Next time cast a hot girl willing to take her top off IMO.

OK, enough of my crude machismo.  Let’s get into the movie.  George (Paul Rudd-Parks and Rec, Dinner for Schmucks, Our Idiot Brother) is a corporate drone slaving away in NYC.  His wife Linda (Jennifer Aniston-Friends, Office Space, the Iron Giant) is a woman who has yet to find her calling in life and has a laundry list of careers.  Her most recent project was to make a documentary about penguins with testicular cancer, which she describes as “Happy Feet meets An Uncomfortable Truth” in a scene with some HBO executives that I found cuttingly hilarious.  Her film gets rejected by HBO and George gets fired shortly after buying a tiny studio apartment.  They lose the home and have to drive to Georgia to live with George’s crude, abusive older brother (Ken Marino-Gattica, Role Models, the Ten.  He also has a writing credit on this film) and his alcoholic desperate housewife Marissa (Worst Enemy, the Back Up Plan, Parenthood). The drive itself is a kind of brilliant road trip/married couple montage that I felt was really well done.   Along the way they try to stop at the Elesium Bed and Breakfast.  While driving in they run into nudist Wayne (Joe Lo Truglio-Childrens Hospital, Role Models, Gullivers Travels.  By the way, expect to see a lot of this guy in the movie, if you know what I mean) and wreck their car trying to get away from him.  They end up at the B&B only do discover it is some kind of hippy commune (sorry-intentional community).  They spend a magical night of happiness and free spirit (and pot).  The next day they end up at the brothers house, where after a memorable day of abuse opt to go back and join the hippies.

At that point they kind diverge down separate spiritual pathways.  The local hippy guru Seth (Justin Theroux-his IMDB page is broken.  Justin, you might want to look into that.  I do know he was in Zoolander) has the hots for Linda and works to seperate the two in a very passive aggressive manner.  The founder of the community is none other than the great Alan Alda (Mash, Tower Heist.  Mash image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirt category) who is a bit eclectic but very entertaining.  There is some drama about the community losing it’s land so a developer can build a casino on it, but that is really secondary to the main story.  Eventually George and Linda’s disparate interest create strife in their marriage.  Hippy commune hijinks ensues.  A lot more male genitalia than I generally like to see on a Saturday night is shown.

So what is my issue with this movie?  Why am I not blaring it’s praises from the mountaintop?  Well, mainly because there seem to have been two different comedy writers working in separate rooms on this film.  The first thinks that insightful, sardonic wit and social commentary are the way to rock.  The second is from the Change Up school of comedy writing and thinks the key to big laughs is excrement jokes and graphic birthing scenes.  The two writing style kept shifting back and forth without warning.  It was like watching TV with your significant other who seems enthralled by two different shows and changes channels back and forth constantly.  The problem is both writers are right.  During the fart and sex humor half the audience was laughing uproariously while the other half was cringing, and during the sophisticated humor the other half was chuckling appreciatively while the first half was scratching their heads in confusion and turning to groom the fleas out of their neighbors fur.

Anyway, the stars.  Extremely talented cast all around who worked well together.  Two stars.  Decent story, if somewhat ripped off from a bunch of other “let’s join the hippies” movies.  At least I didn’t feel it offending my intelligence.  One star.  A rated R comedy that didn’t just throw in a bunch of rated R junk to be like The Hangover.  One star.  Jennifer Aniston is super hot, as was another girl in this film (Malin Akerman-the Watchmen, the Heartbreak Kid, the Proposal).  One star.  Alan Alda.  One star.  There were a few scenes in particular, such as the driving montage and the HBO presentation, that I thought could be described as brilliant.  One star.  Overall surprisingly entertaining.  Two stars.  Total: nine stars.

The black holes.  The whole “two writers” issue I bitched about earlier.  One black hole.  The writer who kept on sticking in the excrement humor really should have been fired.  The film did not really need a lot of that sort of thing and honestly it detracted from the overall film.  One black hole.  The entirety of the drama for the main and secondary story goes more or less unresolved until the final ending montage, when conclusions are pulled from deep inside the writers ass.  One black hole.  Way too much male nudity.  One black hole.  Jennifer Aniston pulling her topless scene out at the last minute.  Doesn’t she realize I have been waiting 15 years to see that?  One black hole.  Total: five black holes.

A grand total of four stars.  Not bad for a rom com in my opinion, and since a lot of my black holes are related to either too much or not enough nudity if you have a different perspective on those issues you would probably rate this a little higher.  Definitely worth your time, at least for this time of the year.  Really good date movie as well, as the romance aspects actually seems to work well (I assume.  I went solo as per usual).  Nothing in the filming really seems to require a big screen, so feel free to wait for NetFlix if you are so inclined.

Thanks for reading.  I am going to try to see Gone later tonight.  Something in the trailers for that one have made me think it is going to suck, but I will try to enter into it free of preconceived notions.  Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu.  Feel free to tweet me there or send an email to david@nerdkungfu.com.  You can also post comments here and if you don’t cuss and have a relevant point I will most likely approve it.  Thanks again.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

So I read today on the Drudge Report that State Representative Kermit Brown of Wyoming had put a bill forward that passed that creates a commission study options in case of a nationwide economic or political collapse.  While I may or may not question the need of such a bill, I saw something really funny in it.  The bill wants to study options for creating Wyoming currency, starting up a draft, creating it’s own standing army, acquiring aircraft for an air force, and best of all, acquiring an aircraft carrier.

Now I may not have gotten all A’s in geography back in high school, but apparently I am better at it than State Representative Brown because I happen to know that Wyoming is completely landlocked.  The nearest ocean is the Pacific, which is at least 600 miles and two states away.  What oceanic interests would they need to protect?  Where would they dock it?  I mean, if you are going to front a bill that could be interpreted as silly by any number of political opponents why would you include a provision that takes it from the kind of silly category and catapults into the whoopee cushion zone?

Anyway, I thought it was funny.  This Titanic image I found in Dave’s funny t shirts.  Have a good one.

Jason

Kind of lame, but at the same time kind of awesome.

I have been looking forward to this film, mainly due to the trailers being really kick ass.  They made it look like the kind of realistic action we never get to see in movies these days where the standard formula is one guy capable of taking on and killing wave after wave of evil henchmen, beating them all the death with the spine of the first no’er-do-well to cross his path.  In this movie the good guys, while highly trained and extremely professional, are not bullet proof and are fully capable of being killed, which in a great way makes the action really, really good.  The action scenes are shot and edited in a way that really puts you in the scene, and you feel honest to goodness excitement as each mission progresses.

I also wanted to see this as I, like most Americans these days, have a ton of respect for the military men and women of our country in general and of the SEALs in particular and hoped this movie would show their bravery and dedication, which for the most part it did.  This film played out like a Navy recruitment film, and like Top Gun did back in 1986 and they should see a nice surge of recruits over the next few months.  Since this film was innitiated not in Hollywood but by the Pentagon PR office, I guess this all makes sense.  So in part I was very happy and satisfied with the  film.

That being said, the first mission the SEAL team should have gone on was to take out script writer Kurt Johnson (300, the Last Photograph, True Vengence, although this film is his only story writing credit, and probably his last) as the script and story was some of the most half assed, hackneyed, cliche garbage I have ever seen.  Honestly, the Pentagon should have farmed this idea out to an established studio as the amateurish stench wafts from the screen like they store dead fish behind it.  The cartoonish main villain (Jason Cottle-Wag the Dog, the Wedding Singer, Cthulu (Miskatonic U image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)) seems to be evil just for the sake of being evil, starting the movie off with a horrific act of terrorism (by the way, this movie earns its R rating the hard way) but without a shred of explanation as to why except for the fact that he is pissed about something.  It is implied that he is against America for occupying Islamic countries, but since he is Chechnyan I had a hard time seeing the connection.  I’m sure the motivation makes total sense to guys in the Pentagon privy to inside information about possible terrorist connections, but honestly I think the average American needs to see a motivation slightly more complex than “I want to blow stuff up because I am angry and have a scar on face”.  Also, if you are like me be be sure to play the “Guess who’s going to die on the last mission” game.  You won’t find it terribly challenging.

The entire story reads less like a movie and a lot more like the plot a first person shooter video game such as Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, with each hot action sequence being connected by only the most tenuous and and roundabout connections.  Again, I am sure if I were more familiar with top secret Intelligence community tactics and deductive reasoning I might have been better able to understand how they moved from some third world village (still not sure what country that one was) to assaulting a multi million dollar yacht.  The plot was pretty much obligatory and included apparently under protest only to connect the assorted action scenes showing the SEAL team in action.  Also, while I don’t want to be the one to call out the rampant xenophobia in this plot, it seemed like we were attacking pretty much every Third World country EXCEPT Arab countries.  Somehow the scriptwriters, in an attempt to not alienate the countries known for actively supporting terrorism, managed to find excuses for the SEALs to fight against people in the Philippines, Mexico, West Africa, Russia, Chechnya, and some other ill defined country.  The underlying message of the film seems to be “If you aren’t American you suck” and that message is delivered with bullets.

As for the real life active duty SEAL team members staring in this film, let me say that while I have never ending admiration for their bravery, dedication, and skill they were not recruited by the Navy for their acting ability.  Every scene that did not involved them shooting someone or sitting in a briefing room going over a mission to shoot someone felt like everyone was acting while covered in (and had their mouths full of) slowly hardening Elmer’s Glue.  I actually hold both them and the director blameless for this, as they all had to work with what they were given.  The problem arises when the non-SEAL team characters show up and interact with them.  They were all played by professional actors and the disparity in delivery made it seem like I was watching Citizen Cain spliced together with Plan 9 From Outer Space.  The acting from the professional actors was what I would have called fairly mediocre in another film, but by comparison it seemed Oscar worthy.

Anyway, the story.  Again, if you have ever played a modern FPS video game you have seen it.  I don’t even feel the need to get into the details.  SEAL Team 7 bounces from country to country rescuing kidnapped CIA agents, trying to capture known terrorist, and stopping terrorists from blowing up Las Vegas.  The main terrorist is the Chechnyan turned Muslim Muhammad Abu Shabal (Jason Cottle).  He is supported by his childhood friend, Russian gangster and blatantly stereotyped (as the avaricious Jew) Christo and a gang of Philippino suicide bombers (???).  Their hobbies include blowing up schoolchildren and torturing women, so obviously the writers felt OK with topsoil level character depth.  There is a subplot about one of the SEAL team’s wife about to have a baby, and some social interactive social scenes between the SEALs that will make you wish you actually were playing a video game.  The entirely of the plot really only serves to move us from (really freaking good) action scene to action scene.

The stars.  The action was unbelievably good and brought a level of excitement entirely missing form most mainstream movies.  Three stars.  It was interesting as hell to see how the SEALs operate, and since this movie was made by the military and stared real SEALs I can only assume it was 100% accurate.  Two stars.  I like a movie that doesn’t hesitate to show good guys eating bullets too.  All the best heroes are mortal.  One star.  They didn’t dumb things down for the audience and over explain things.  They kept the military jargon and operational tactics real and didn’t bother to explain what was going on the lame civilians such as I, which actually made the movie more interesting and made me pay more attention (what the hell is a QRF?  Some kind of vehicle designation?).  One star.  Overall a lot of fun to watch.  Two stars.  Total: nine stars.

The black holes.  Acting so wooden it might have been delivered by Disney Animatronics.  One black hole.  A story plot that looked like it had been ripped off from any number of other weak plots and then dashed down on a roll of toilet paper in a mens room while the writer was dealing with an extended bout of diarrhea.  Two black holes.  Very weak character motivation and depth.  One black hole.  Xenophobia that was kind of embarrassing.  One black hole.  Total: five black holes.

A total of four stars.  Not bad, really.  This movie sells itself on the action and so, if you are an action person, or like realistic movies about elite soldiers, or are just into the military, then by all means see this film on the biggest screen you can find.  If you aren’t into those things then odds are you will be OK waiting for NetFlix.  Definitely not a good date movie, as there is not a lot of meat here for the average woman and some of the scenes that earned the R rating will really put her off her feed, if you know what I mean.

Thanks for reading.  I have a tournament coming up next weekend and have hit that horrible point where I suddenly realize I need to get four more figures painted, so that will be most of my weekend.  I will try to see Wanderlust tonight and review it tomorrow morning, although already I am bitter about that film as I heard Jennifer Aniston shot a nude scene and at the last minute made them take it out.  Boo, I say.  If I have time tomorrow I will see Gone, but for some reason my early warning suck radar is blaring at me on that one.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  I don’t post a lot, so you know each one is a gem.  Feel free to post a comment here or send me an email at david@nerdkungfu.com if you have specific suggestion or questions.  Have a great day.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

So Dave was telling me about some of the trailers he saw the other night and one of them was for a live action movie based on the game Battleship.  I had to check it out, and after watching it was left scratching my head in confusion.  I played a lot of Battleship as a kid and honestly, don’t remember anything about aliens in it anywhere.  In fact, I don’t remember anything more than yelling out random letters and numbers and trusting my friends to not lie about what I did or did not hit.  One guy in particular was famous for cheating at Battleship.  Personally I always like Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, as it was hard to cheat, had violence built it, and involved robots.  Also I was able to find a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em image in among the vintage t-shirts, and Dave has nada for Battleship.

The thing is, the trailer actually looks kind of cool.  Big ships, bigger alien ships, lots of guns going off, and some decent action.  There doesn’t seem to be much at all related to the game Battleship aside from the name, although I did see some alien weapons hitting a ship that looked suspiciously like the marking pegs from the game.  So is this movie really supposed to be based on the game, or are the movie producers heartlessly trying to take advantage of all the novelty children of the ’70s might feel for this game in order to scam a quick buck from our pockets?  If the later the chance of it sucking horrible seems pretty good.  Dave has a pretty critical eye for alien invasion movies, so I am sure he will ferret out any suckage with the tenacity of a terrier and then clamp onto it with the jaws of a pit bull.  Should be interesting.

By the way, if you want to check out the trailer I watched and see for yourself watch it here.  Thanks

Jason

So last week Jason was giving me crap for being scared of clowns when he was talking about the new Twisted Metal movie.  Personally I don’t really see this as a weird phobia or mental condition at all.  For any rational, thinking person clowns are freaking evil!  Although not as evil as their horrible cousins, mimes, they cause mayhem and despair wherever their tiny little cars and giant shoes go (by the way, if you happen to agree with me join the I Hate Clowns movement).

Fear of clowns is scientifically called coulrophobia, but I call it having a brain and survival instinct.  I thought I would try to prove my point to Jason and all the other people who think I am weird for this and list my 10 Scariest Clowns of All Time.

10.  Ronald McDonald-I think the first time I realized how evil clowns were was when I was a kid and visited a McDonald’s.  Out front they had a park bench with a statue of Ronald with his arm out so you could sit down and take a picture like a moron or something.  My friend sat there and all of a sudden I got the creepiest feeling ever.  In looking back as an adult I realized that the pose and look was straight up child molester.  However, if you want to count the evilness of clowns based on how much damage and despair they have brought upon the world, from a dietary point of view Ronald McDonald is the Hitler of clowns.  How much garbage has he helped shovel into the waiting maws of future obese diabetics?

9.  Violator from Spawn.  The fat clown that turns into a horrid demon was bad enough in the movie, but trust me when I say he was way worse in the comic book.

8.  the Joker-I am of course a Batman fan and the Joker is my second favorite villain (Two Face is my first).  However, part of the reason he is such a good villain is he is horrible!  I don’t care which one; Jack Nicholson, the cartoon, the comic, Heath Ledger, even Cesar Romero from the TV show.  They are all scary as hell.  (Joker image courtesy of the Batman T-Shirt category)

7.  the clown doll from Poltergeist-ugh.  Thank god I never saw this movie as a kid.  I never would have slept again.  This clown was scary as hell, kept showing up in unexpected places, and never spoke.  Plus, it was a clown.

6.  Sergio from the Last Circus-I don’t think any of you saw this Spanish film, but if you do and don’t suffer from coulrophobia, you will.  In my mind clowns are scary sociopaths anyway, and to see one that actually is a sociopath is god awful.

5.  the zombie clown from Zombieland-this is a nice convergence for my best friend and I.  You see, I fear clowns and he fears zombies.  Works out nicely.  I think part of the reason I loved this movie is the main character shows the rational sense to have a healthy fear of the “c” word.

4.  Captain Spaulding from the Devil’s Rejects and House of 1,000 Corpses-Rob Zombie learned early on how well clowns work in horror films with Halloween and put that experience to good use when he created this character.  Talk about messed up.

3.  the clowns from Killer Klowns from Outer Space-not only are they clowns, but they are from outer space, have huge freaking clown heads, and are here to capture humans in order to encase them in cotton candy and drink their fluids with a crazy straw!  I saw this movie at a friends house and I think my hand print is still impressed on the armrest of his couch.

2.  Sweet Tooth from Twisted Metal-yes, Jason used to make me play this game and always force me to watch the intro showing how Sweet Tooth came to be.  Can you imagine anything scarier than a clown with glowing red eyes and flames for hair driving an ice cream truck armed with enough guns to sink a battleship?  Well, actually I can since Sweet Tooth is only number 2 on my list.

1.  Pennywise from Stephen King’s It-no, not the band.  Only the scariest clown in the history of the universe, who spends his times killing children and not with laughter.  Seeing this guy on screen might have been what pushed me over the top from being kind of creeped out by clowns to full blown terror.

Sorry, but Patch Adams didn’t quite make the list, although it was close.  That’s pretty much it.  I think I am going to see an indy film tonight, so look for a good review tomorrow.  I need to go have a couple drinks and punch Jason in the head for making me relive all this.  Post comments here or follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  You can also email me at david@nerdkungfu.com.  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

So I heard a rumor today online that the villain they are considering for the next Iron Man movie is the Sub-Mariner.  I actually think this is a pretty cool idea.  The Sub-Mariner was always kind of a mysterious character who had his own agenda and complete contempt and disregard for surface dwellers.  He was like a cool Aquaman.  I also really like him because he looked a lot like a Vulcan, and I have always been a big Spock fan.

This will actually prove a nice challenge for Tony Stark.  Does his suit even work underwater?  I don’t expect it to rust or anything dumb like that, but is it truly water proof?  Do the repulsors work underwater?  How long of an air supply has he built into the suit?  In the first movie the thing flared out in the upper atmosphere, so maybe there is no air supply, just some kind of filter.  I am really curious.

Of course, the very first Iron Man as seen in this image I found in Dave’s comic book t shirts was really primitive, showing there is an evolution of the suit technology.  Maybe the movie will start off with the suit not really able to do anything under water and Tony having to modify it into an aqua suit.  That would be cool.

Of course, in my comic book recollection the Sub-Mariner was always more of a Fantastic Four villain, but maybe I missed a few issues.

Jason

The human race is collectively stupider for each child that watches this film.

I am in all ways a man of my word.  I didn’t do as well as I had hoped at the Warhammer tournament and as I promised in punishment went last night and saw the Mysterious Island.  This movie is actually one of the hardest for me to review, as from a cinema point of view it is the movie equivalent of blunt trauma to the head: painful and potentially brain damaging.  However, as I scan a few other reviewers I respect the phrase “good for what it is” keeps cropping up like a returning herpes sore and I have to admit, taken in the context of “moronic entertainment for kids with a story that won’t have parents wanting to kill themselves” it definitely qualifies.

I did not see the first one but honestly, I don’t think I missed much.  I have read a lot of Jules Verne and watched a lot of Scooby Doo, which seems to be the basis for this movie.  The problem is of course how to review it?  If I treat it like a kids movie I won’t have a lot to say.  If I treat it like an adult movie (and based on how much the camera lingers over Venessa Hudgens (Sucker Punch, High School Musical) very skimpy outfit outfit an argument could be made that it is an adult film) I will be dumping all over it but be revealing to the world what a bitter and horrible soul I am at heart.

I think the answer is, like most bad comprises, to jump both ways.  I will review it like a childs film but raise a lot of the points I would have raised if it were an adult film, thus creating more work for me but in truth probably writing something a little more entertaining. I will try to keep my complaints about the really, really, horrifically bad science to a minimum.  Sufficed to say science and technology will have been set back 10 years when the generation of kids watching this film grows up to become scientists and have the items in this film rolling around in their subconscious (anyone else remember Idiocracy?  Brawndo shirt image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category).

So the story.  Sean (Josh Hutcherson-American Splendor, the Kids are All Right, Journey to the Center of the Earth) hates his stepfather Hank (Dwayne Johnson (NOT the Rock)-Fast Five, the Rundown, the Scorpion King) and wants to decode a secret message in Jules Verne code from his missing grandfather Alexander (Micheal Caine-Batman Begins, the Dark Knight, The Prestige, Children of Men).  Turns out Hank is a construction worker who also is an expert code breaker and he and Sean solve the complex code in about 14 seconds.  It is a map and coordinates of a mysterious island of some kind out in the Pacific near the island of Palau, a small country who’s official language is happily English.  In an attempt to bond with his stepson Hank agrees to take Sean out there to find this island.  Once they land they find that the only person crazy enough to take them to “the most dangerous part of the oceon” is the incredibly goofy Gabato (Luis Guzman-Boogie Nights, Anger Management, Carlito’s Way) and his incredibly hot daughter Kailani (Vanessa Hudgens).  They board the most decrepit helicopter in the history of aviation and in the 7th worst decision in the history of the world (after the decision to air the Star Trek episode Spock’s Brain but before M&M’s decision to not let their candy be featured in E.T., passing it over to Reeces Peices) opt to fly into the mother of all storms.

They crash, of course, and wash up on the beach of some mysterious seeming island completely uninjured.   At that point the adventure begins and they travel the island, coming across many wonderfully stupid and impossible creatures (I know I said I would avoid bitching too much about the scientific impossibilities of the things in this film, but there is a phenomenon known as scaling and strength of materials that tells us why giant ants and tiny elephants couldn’t exist.  For the most part they wouldn’t be able to breath).  They find Alexander in about 2 minutes and it turns out they are all experts of one type or another in tectonic plate activity, biology, archeology, and jungle survival.  They find out the island is sinking (and does so ever 140 years.  Sorry to be a pill but do they really think an entire complex ecosystem can develop that quickly?) and have to get out.  The only way to leave is to find the hidden Nautiless, the submarine from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea left hidden on the island 140 years ago (again, sorry about this, but the fact is my dad once left a car on a driveway for two years and when he wanted to move it had to replace the battery, tires, and about half the hoses.  I don’t think a 140 year old abandoned sub would really be seaworthy).

Anyway, from a child’s point of view this movie is fun, with cool giant creatures running around on and some funny, dopey dialog.  Visually impressive, and will probably make a ton of money both here and overseas.  I think what I object to in this and a lot of other children’s movies is the missed opportunity to enhance rather than degrade a young persons education.  Would it have been so hard to write in a few actual scientific facts that were based on reality, thus making this film slightly more less worthless than the giant sodas sold at the concession stands?  I understand that Jules Verne took a liberal hand when it came to science, but still.  A movie for children should, in my opinion, have something other than empty calories.  That being said the kids in the audience seemed to be loving it, and I can’t argue with that.

However, if I were to treat this as an adult film I would give the film the following stars and black holes:

Stars: Vanessa Hudgens is super hot, and the movie apparently had a limited wardrobe budget when it came time to buy her shorts as there wasn’t a lot of material in them.  One star.  Some entertaining moments between the characters, especially the dislike and needling that Hank and Alexander had at first for each other.  One star.  I am a big fan of Michael Caine.  One star.  The CGI and camera work, while not really state of the art, worked well together and delivered some pretty impressive images.  Also this is one of the few movies I have seen wherein the 3D actually enhanced the film and didn’t just leave me with a headache (actually I was headache free from this.  Weird).  One star.  Total: four stars.

The black holes.  For the most part the characters were all pretty flat and two dimensional.  One black hole.  As a fan of science and technology I found concepts offered here to be really offensive, and hate to imagine teachers dealing with kids thinking that you can ride a giant bee in school for the next few weeks.  Three black holes.  I don’t know if I can call what I perceived as plot holes plot holes, as they all seemed to derive from the concept of “we are here to make really bad decisions” (for example: Alexander is trapped on the island and makes a radio out of coconuts or something.  He can only transmit every two weeks and so when he has the chance he sends out his message in a code that only one human on the planet, assuming he is even listening, will understand.  Why not just send out a regular SOS and get rescued?  The castaways on Gilligan’s Island would have taken him out back and beaten him with a 2×4), but the plot holes were annoying the crap out of me.  One black hole.  For the most part the characters were all in a secret contest to see who could be the most annoying movie character of 2012 (Luis Guzman won IMO, although Dwayne Johnson was a close second).  One black hole.  At one point we are forced to listen to Dwayne Johnson sing while accompanied on a ukelele.  One black hole.  Total: seven black holes.

So a grand total of three black holes, which is shockingly less that I thought I would give walking into the movie, assuming I were treating it like an adult movie.  Should you go see it?  As an adult absolutely not.  If you have kids they will probably enjoy the hell out of it, but understand that you are opening their brains to all kinds of oddball future theories, such as aliens, Bigfoot, the government orchestrated 9-11, flat tax is good for everyone, or creationism.  Odds are pretty good you will want to own a copy as it will keep your rugrats out of your hair for 94 minutes.

Thanks for reading one of my most disjointed reviews.  Not a lot of new stuff right now, but next weekend is looking really good.  In particular I am looking forward to Acts of Valor and dreading Wanderlust.  Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu and feel free to post a comment here.  If you don’t tweet and want to ask me something or make a suggestion privately email me david@nerdkungfu.com (email me in particular if you are in any way associated with an upcoming movie and want to invite me to an advanced screening in the Bay Area.  I would like to get these out before they are released if possible.  I promise I will buy popcorn and not text).  Talk to you soon.

Dave

Ever wonder what it would be like if someone took two hours of Punked clips and wrote a script around them?  Now you can find out.

Ah, McG.  I knew one day you would resurface dead in my sights like the bloated corpse of a cow drowned in a stagnant pond.  In case you are unaware of Mr. “I’m too cool to have a name”‘s qualifications as a terrible movie director check out the rant I want off on him in my description for this Terminator: Salvation t-shirt from the Sci Fi T Shirts.  He mostly does mediocre television.  In fact the only other movie credit I am finding is Charlies Angels Full Throttle, so you know he is qualified.

While watching this (for lack of a better word) movie there was a distinctly familiar greasy smell to it, like the odor lingering in the family bathroom 45 minutes after your grandfather used it, and as the credits rolled I realized it was the ridiculously improbable action and refusal to do the slightest bit of actual research that is McG‘s signature style.  And with that I sharpened my claws and dove into my keyboard.

Fortunately McG has thrown me a lot of chum to chew on.  I won’t say this movie is not entertaining.  It definitely has some funny moments.  However, the scripts looks and feels like it was written by a 12 year old who has seen a couple romantic movies but secretly thinks his English teacher is going to show up to school with the hots for him (or her).  It is a true mash up of genres: a healthy mix of really bad action film with a really bad (and creepy) romantic comedy.

I think  it safe to dismiss the action plot entirely, as in terms of doing anything for the script I think an organ grinders monkey armed with a minigun would have been about as believable and a hell of a lot cuter.  30 seconds research or a high school diploma would have told McG that the US Central Intelligence Agency has no jurisdiction inside the United States and furthermore does not have fabulous Los Angeles offices that look awfully like a multi million dollar Apple store.  Another 10 seconds research (that is literally what it took me thanks to Google) would have told him that most CIA agents make between $30-60K a year and specifically do not live like rock star millionaires in LA (one guy had a swimming pool for a ceiling in his fabulous bachelor pad).  I don’t know if any kind of research would have told him that the CIA does not look kindly on wasting massive amounts of taxpayer money stalking girlfriends, but an ounce of common sense would have.

What action there was was laughably ridiculous.  Two guys apparently can take out any number of armed men in a crowded club with no collateral damage.  There was some kind of bad guy (Til Schwiger-Inglorious Basturds, Rabbit Without Ears, Knockin’ on Heavens Door) who wants revenge for the death of his brother or something, but that whole story thread only appears periodically and reluctantly, like someone suddenly remembering to take the medicine they hate for a social disease they wish they could forget about.  The story focuses on the romance between Reese Witherspoon (Legally Blonde, Walk the Line, Water for Elephants), a successful product testing executive (not sure what kind of executive job lets you play with a flamethrower, but sign me up) who in spite of being insanely hot is bitterly single.  She runs into her ex with his new fiance and suddenly feels the need for romance.  Meanwhile CIA operatives and best friends (and possibly related somehow.  The story was vague) FDR (Chris Pine-Star Trek, Unstoppable, Just My Luck) and soon-to-be-Bane Tuck (Tom Hardy-Layer Cake, Inception, Warrior, RocknRolla) are both single.  Tuck opts to check out online dating and sees a post Reese’s best friend posted for her.  They meet up and really hit it off.  Meanwhile, FDR is trolling local video stores to pick up bimbos (he’s supposed to be the sleazy ladies man).  He meets up with Reese and attempts to pick her up.  Somehow in spite of being single for years and so inept in the world of dating she goes to her married best friend for advice her character (Lauren, for the record) suddenly sees right through him and gives him a lecture on what a dirtbag he is.

At that point the movie takes a turn down Creepy Lane (and later merges onto the Creepy Onramp to travel down the Creepy Memorial Freeway) as both CIA operatives make massive illegal abuses of their powers to find out what she does.  Tuck is the (slightly) more innocent one and is only kind of stalking her, while FDR is literally stalking her, going to her work to more or less browbeat her into dating him.  The two guys find out about it and opt to compete for her affection without letting her know they know each other.

About that time the speed limit on the Creepy Memorial Freeway goes from 55 to 75.  They both break into her home to find out more.  Each of them assign other agents (who obviously have nothing better to do.  Threats from foreign organizations is so overrated) to follow her and bug her apartment with both cameras and listening devices (what part of this really says romance?).  They listen in on her talking to her best friend and from there construct complete lies in order to woo her.  FDR, on hearing that she likes artist Gustav Klimt, takes her to a private showing where he has another expert whisper facts into his ear.  Tuck learns she loves some kind of car (the type escapes me and I don’t care enough to look it up) and takes her driving in one.  Upon learning she thinks he is shallow and self centered (a fairly accurate perception in my opinion) FDR pretends to volunteer at a animal shelter and adopts a dog, while Tuck, upon learning he is too safe and not dangerous enough, takes her to play paintball where he beats the hell out of a bunch of kids.

Bottom line, when at the end of the movie she does choose one of these guys the entire relationship will be built upon an entire foundation of lies.  I know I’m not an expert on women, but is this the kind of romance story you all want to see?

Anyway, its at this point that the movie actually gets kind of funny, as Tuck and FDR totally try to screw each other up.  I will admit to laughing several times and were I to take these episodes out of context (you know, kind of like an aforementioned TV show that rhymes with “dunked”) I probably would have enjoyed the hell out of it.

The stars.  In spite of the horrible script and direction, the cast was actually really talented and did the best they could do.  Unfortunately they were all trying to lace their shoes with wet spaghetti.  One star.  I honestly did laugh at some of the hijinks.  One star.  In spite of the blizzard of black holes I am about to inundate the film with, it was somewhat entertaining.  Two stars.  Four stars total.

The black holes.  A complete lack of research and fact checking from the writers or director.  I understand the need to suspend disbelief in a movie, but would it have really been that hard or damaged the story in any way if they had substituted the letters “FBI” for “CIA”?  Or made the field office slightly more functional and less amazing?  One black hole.  In spite of a talented cast of decent actors, all the main characters were pretty two dimensional.  One black hole.  There was literally more chemistry on screen between Chris Pine and Tom Hardy than there was at any time between Reese and either of the two guys.  Honestly, the romance scenes looked like a little girl pressing the lips of her Ken and Barbie dolls together.  One black hole.  The whole illegal abuse of power and super stalking thing.  Two black holes.  The fact that the action plot literally went nowhere and added nothing.  One black hole.  The action scenes were so dumb and ridiculous that I wanted to start something with a stranger (or possibly the projectionist) on the way out just to be reminded of what an actual fight looks like.  One black hole.  In the end, Lauren chose the sleazier and faker of the two instead of doing what any rational woman should have done and booted them both out with a restraining order pinned to their shirts.  One black hole.  Overall a stupid and fake story that I found really annoying.  One black hole.  Total: nine black holes.

A total of five black holes.  Suck it McG.  I said you were an incompetent director when you screwed up Terminator: Salvation and I am happy to see that time has not improved your skills.  Is this movie worth seeing on any level?  Yeah, I guess so.  It is funny at points.  None of the camera work really needs a big screen so feel free to wait until you can see it at home.  I can pretty much guarantee that if you get drunk and/or stoned before and during this movie you will laugh your ass off and probably think it’s great.  If you see it sober you will probably feel like you just lost 98 minutes of your life and run home to write a bitter review for it.  Date movie?  Maybe.  If your date is into a rom com built around the Three Stooges, can look past stalking that would terrify her in a drama, or just wants some brainless entertainment it might do.  However, there is very little chance you look better than either Chris Pine or Tom Hardy so you will most likely lose a lot to the comparison factor.

Thanks for reading.  If I get a chance I might still see Mysterious Island, but there is a pretty good chance that film might slip my net.  This has been a weekend of mediocre movies.  Warhammer tournament tomorrow.  Follow me on Twitter @nerdkungfu or send comments or questions to david@nerdkungfu.com.  Of course, feel free to post comment here.  As long as you keep it clean I will most likely allow it and try to respond.  Talk to you soon.

Dave