I did have a weird moment today while unpacking this Thor shirt from the Marvel Comic t shirts.  I suddenly realized I wanted to see the Avengers a second time.  This is something I haven’t done since I started doing the movie reviews.  I just want to see the Hulk again.  I don’t have the time.

So look for a review tomorrow night, but I might not get it done.  Thanks for your patience.  Have a great night.

Dave

I am indeed a Sasha Baron Cohen fan.  I find his style of humor, while cringe inducing, to be both clever and mind expanding.  Borat and Bruno were both genius, and I laugh my ass off whenever I watch Da Ali G Show. (None of the Above image courtesy of the funny Political T Shirts category)

Dictator, the third in his series of one word title movies, contains much of the same humor but also represents a significant divergence from his norm in that instead of injecting one of his established characters into situations with Americans he is now working from a script.  On the one hand this provides a nice framework upon which to craft a decent movie rather than trying to put it together in the editing room, but on the other hand it somewhat restricts his movement and also has the issue of allowing the situations to get so wild that they take away from the appealing reality of the situations.

By that I mean in Borat and Bruno Cohen was dealing with real Americans Alan Funt style and therefore had to present situations that, while extreme and ridiculous, were also within the realm of possibility.  If things had gotten too weird or out there the people he was working with would have figured it out and not kept acting naturally.  For me that “real possibility” is what worked and made it so funny.  In this movie the few times he went really off the rails (the birthing scene, for example) of reality gave the film the taint of surreality, which did not work.

That being said, those moments were few and far between, book casing long swaths of brilliant and non PC comedy.  Sasha Baron Cohen (Bruno, Borat, Da Ali G Show) plays Admiral General Aladeen, the brutal and eccentric dictator of Wadiya, an oil rich country in Northern Africa.  His interest include sleeping with Western celebrities, gold plated Hummers, and executing anyone who bothers him even a little (there is a really funny montage of people he has sent off to death for things like finding the prize in his box of cereal).  He is pushing his nuclear weapons program and is about to get sanctioned by the United Nations.  He travels to NYC to address the UN but while there is kidnapped by a racist redneck.  He escapes only to discover he has been supplanted by his double under the thumb of his Prime Minister Tamir (Sir Ben Kingsley-Ghandi, Sexy Beast, Hugo).  He takes refuge with local granola girl Zoey (Anna Faris-What’s Your Number, Scary Movie, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs) who runs some kind of organic hippy store (let me say that for some reason I found her character here as the short haired, hairy hippy chick way more appealing than the fake seeming shallow blonde in What’s Your Number.  Maybe it’s because I live in the Bay Area and meet more women like that).  Some of the funniest scenes occur when Aladeen is telling her she is a boy and giving her grooming tips.

Anyway, he also hooks up with Nadal (Jason Mantzoukas-Baby Mama, I Hate Valentine’s Day, Please Give), his former head scientist whom he ordered executed for arguing with him about the shape of the nuclear missile.  It turns out all the people he ordered killed were smuggled out of the country and now live in Little Wadiya.  Nadal agrees to help him regain power.  At that point if you have seen Coming to America and Trading Places you have seen the rest of the film.  However, both of those movies are pretty good so I don’t think plumbing them for story points is a bad move.  Comedic fish out of water stuff ensues.  Some truly amazing comedy scenes happen, along with a few dead weights.

The stars.  For the majority very funny.  Two stars.  Very non-PC and insulting to pretty much everyone.  Two stars.  The helicopter scene was some of the funniest stuff I have seen in years.  One star.  Sasha was typically brilliant.  One star.  All the supporting cast very well done, especially Jason Mantzoukas.  I hope to see him in other stuff soon.  One star.  A really nice political message about the nature of a dictatorship towards the end had me laughing very hard.  One star.  The ending, which at first seemed to be ramping up to a dumb Disney-like happy ending, turned out to be well done and funny as well.  One star.  Overall a good movie.  Two stars.  Total: eleven stars.

The black holes.  There were a couple scenes that felt really fake, not funny, and/or dragged on.  One black hole.  Some of the funniest lines from the trailers failed to make it into the actual film.  One black hole.  Some of the gross out humor was just not even necessary or well done.  One black hole.  Total: three black holes.

A grand total of eight stars, a most excellent score.  If you are a fan of humor or Sasha Baron Cohen then by all means see this film.  Try to see it in a theater.  Every dollar it gets means more chance of another great Cohen film soon.  On the other hand, this is probably a terrible date movie.  Gross humor, nasty sex, and just not the right style of film IMO.  Your date might laugh and enjoy it, but she will most likely not be inclined to take off her clothes afterward if you know what I mean.  Bathroom break?  That’s easy.  The scene where the woman gives birth.  It’s five minutes of disgusting and disturbing humor just to deliver one joke.  If you are looking for a second bathroom break the Aladeen masturbation scene definitely qualifies.

Thanks for reading.  I have two movies in my sights for this weekend, Battleship and What to Expect When You Are Expecting.  One looks like it is based on a really dumb concept, and the other is about ships.  I kid, I kid.  Seriously, they both look pretty suckstastic so let’s see who plays out.  I’m also running a booth at the Big Wow Comicfest, a comic book convention in San Jose.  If you are in the area stop by my booth and say hi.  Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu send an email if you have off topic questions or suggestions to david@nerdkungfu.com.  Feel free to post here if you have a comment on this movie.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

So the question for the day is this: If the Trade Federation was going to conquer Naboo and the only real target was the capital city, why did they set their entire army on the opposite side of the planet and then travel over land?  I would park my army outside the gates.  It was established that Naboo really didn’t have much in the way of defenses, but even if they did I think it would be worth losing a few more droids in order to not give them weeks to prepare a defense.  For that matter, given the fact that the army seemed to moving a leisurely walk, it could have taken months to get there.

You might ask how I know that they landed on the other side of the planet.  Well, the fact is the quickest way to the Naboo city was through the planets core implying a distance of at least several thousand miles.

Dumb question, but it has been bugging me.  The Republic logo I found in Dave’s Star Wars tshirt collection.

Jason

Girl in Progress runs 93 minutes and believe me, you will feel each one of them, especially after it feel like the movie is over but then drags on for another fifteen minutes.  It’s like passing 93 kidney stones.  At first glance it looks like a chick flick but honestly I have a hard time believing this is the kind of film women want to see (of course, based on my dating life there is a lot about what women want that I don’t have a clue about, so maybe I’m wrong).  It is completely contrived, manipulative, confused, and stuffed with artificial import.

All that being said, the writer took a semi-novel approach to dealing with all the teenage coming of age cliches.  You see, I like to think of the writers and directors of a movie as the captains of a mighty ocean liner navigating a cold and unforgiving sea.  In this analogy I liken cliches to giant icebergs (or perhaps sea monsters).  A competent captain will steer around these icebergs to avoid disaster, whereas an incompetent one will blunder into several, threatening the integrity of of the ship.  What the captain of the R.M.S. Girl in Progress did was point the bow of the ship directly at the nearest one and then bounce between them all like a pinball inside a group of bumpers. (Titanic image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)

This was a direct and purposeful move.  The teen age girl decides she needs to experience a classic coming of age story and then scripts out a series of events based on research into the genre.  She lays it out in a detailed plan including failing to live up to her potential, disappointing her teachers, dumping her nerdy best friend, and culminating in losing her virginity to a callous womanizer.  Unfortunately, instead of using the cliches as a tool to rise above the medium the story gets mired in them, stuck in the mud and slowly sinking.  Furthermore, the creepiness factor, starting out at about a 7, shoots up to 11 when we get to the deflowering stage.  In a graphic example of miscasting the girl, who looks barely fifteen through most of the film, is about to hook up with a guy who looks like he should have already dropped out of college and been working at Trader Joes for three years while living in the Mission.

The other interesting thing about this film is it is rare that I can say I hated every character in a film, but in this one I did.  It was like a contest to see who could be the least appealing character on the planet.  The teenage girl Ana (Cierra Ramirez-All In, Wish Gone Amis, Star and Stella Save the World) was overly precocious and so artificial (her character, not Cierra herself.  I thought she did a decent job) I kept looking for an off switch on the back of her neck; her mother Grace (Eva Mendes-Fast Five, We Own the Night, the Other Guys) was a cartoonish caricature of both a struggling single mom and neglectful parent; Grace’s love interest Dr. Hartford (Oh, God Matthew Modine.  What happened to you?  Remember when you were cool and played Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket?) was a conniving, cheating manipulative bastard; Grace’s boss Emile (Russell Peters-New Years Eve, Source Code, the Legend of Awesome Maximus) was a greasy abusive boss; Ana’s deflowering target (Richard Harmon-Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, Judas Kiss, Trick r’ Treat) was a sleazy hipster loser; and Grace’s other sort of love interest Mission Impossible (Eugenio Derbez-Jack and Jill, Rob) looked, sounded, and acted like the local serial killer.  If it was a contest I can’t accurately tell you who won but I can certainly tell you who lost: the audience.

I feel spent already and I haven’t even gotten into the story.  It is of young Ana and her mother Grace. Grace blatantly ignores her daughter, who is feeling it.  In an English class Ana learns what a coming of age story is and decides to experience one in order to escape her childhood sooner. She embarks on a mission that has “desperate cry for help” written all over it which everyone manages to miss.  Meanwhile her mother is sleeping with the married least appealing man in movie history while holding down two jobs.  Ana purposefully does increasingly bad behavior and plans to lose her virginity to the school creep.  She dumps her best friend in order to hang out with the school bad girl (I say girl because that was her roll, but in another example of bad casting she looked ten years older.  Brenna O’Brian-X-men Last Stand, Beneath, Charlie St. Cloud), steals money, lies to get alcohol, and basically strives to ruin her life as efficiently as possible.  Coming of age cliche crap ensues.  The ending manages to avoid actually having an ending.

The stars.  I will say that both Cierra Ramirez and Eve Mendes did the best they could have done with the limited and artifical roles they were handed.  Acting overall wasn’t bad.  One star.  Eve Mendes was super, duper, uber hot in this film and had the right outfits to illustrate the point.  One star.  There were a couple scenes that didn’t totally suck, including the opening one.  One star.  Total: three stars.

The black holes.  Complete failure to give me a character I at all found appealing.  Two black holes.  The movie was massively confused.  Was it a drama?  A comedy?  A tragedy?  A coming of age film?  Two black holes.  A big chunk of this film was creepy x100.  One black hole.  The entire premise of the film felt contrived.  One black hole.  Mistaking the cliche bull for the cliche cow and trying to milk it for the entirety of the film. Two black holes.  The ending came out of left field and resolved next to nothing.  One black hole.  Casting that looked like they didn’t even try to get kids of approximately the same age.  One black hole.  Total: ten black holes.

A grand total of seven black holes.  Gah.  I’d like to give this film an A for effort, but really can only give it more than about a B-.  The director (Patricia Riggen-Lemonade Mouth, Under the Same Moon, The Cornfield) did try to do something different and I’ll give her credit for that.  Should you see it?  Probably not.  Date movie?  Only if she suggests it.  However, if you do see it as a date movie I can say there isn’t a single appealing or sexy male in this film.  It won’t be hard to shine in comparison, unless you are a registered sex offender and/or missing most of your face.  Bathroom break?  Pretty much anywhere in this film, but if I were pressed for a moment I would say any of the scenes involving the English teacher (Patricia Arquette-Stigmata, True Romance, Ed Wood).  She is cast as some kind of Yoda-like spiritual guide but most of her messages are pretty prosaic and her exposition generally redundant.

Thanks for reading.  Dictator coming out tomorrow so I will try to see that, although Wednesday is also my normal movie night at my friends house.  Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or post comments about this film here.  If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at david@nerdkungfu.com.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

P.S. Want to hear something weird?  I just looked up Patricia Riggen, the director of this film, on IMDB and have to say I find her strangely attractive.  She has that nerdy intellectual look I really like.  Of course, after having just dumped all over her movie if I were to meet up with her she would probably set fire to my car, most likely with me tied up in the trunk.  Not a lot of chance for romance there.  However, I think you, my beloved readers, might use this fact to appreciate the integrity if my reviews.  Normally when I find a woman attractive I try to find the positive in everything she does (“Wow, you blow your nose in such a demure and ladylike manner.  I’ve never seen such clarity in mucus before!”).  Have a good night.

For that matter, why would Omni Consumer Products completely armor him in bulletproof impervium and then leave half his face exposed?  Was the need to deliver deadpan, emotionless facial expressions that necessary?

The OCP logo I pulled form one of Dave’s movie t shirts.  Good logo for an evil company IMO.

Jason

“Where the hell did eight year old Anakin Skywalker find a child sized helmet inside the cockpit of a Naboo fighter normally piloted by an adult???”

That’s pretty much it.  I guess Lucas believes in child safety strongly enough to put the continuity of his film in serious jeopardy.  The Who’s your Daddy image I found in Dave’s Star Wars t shirts.  I find it funny, but also creepy when you see adult Padme connecting with eight year old Anakin.

Jason

The fact is I am a fan of both and prior to 2002 would have said comparing the two is like comparing apples and oranges.  Star Wars was a swashbuckling space opera of a story with roots well grounding in classic mythology and heroes, whereas Star Trek was a epic exploration of both the universe and the positive aspects of character interaction and teamwork.  When I was in the mood to see cool aliens, guns, and awesome costumes I would watch Star Wars and when I was in the mood for more intellectual pursuits, with complicated stories and character development I would watch Star Trek.  Sure, the swimming pool of Star Wars had been tainted by the giant turd known as the Phantom Menace, but I think every franchise is allowed one or two big blunders.  Star Trek is no exception.  Just look at the Motion Picture, most of TOS Season 3, Wesley Crusher, and Enterprise.

Things changed badly in 2002.  Attack of the Clones was released, and with that note I knew that one of my greatest childhood memories (seriously, I have more positive memories of Star Wars than all my birthdays put together) had been fatally betrayed in the interest of money and bad movie making.  Lucas had pulled his franchise out of a comfortable retirement, euthanized it, and stuffed its corpse full of gears and mice on wheels to create an animatronic Frankenstein monster which he then milked dry.  At that point my needle shifted heartily towards my other warm childhood refuge, Star Trek.

That safe zone was not to be long lived, however,  Six months later Star Trek Nemesis came out and at that point I realized that Trek and Wars were doing some kind of weird role reversal.  Instead of being a decent story and character study that had been the staple of the Star Trek story lines we had a badly done space opera action adventure very much like a mutant clone of one of the first Star Wars.  Meanwhile Lucas was having long, boring political debates and overly complicated assassination plots in Star Wars.

Basically the two movies had switched roles, and in both cases done it badly.  The needle shifted back towards Star Wars but stopped about halfway.  Since then my focus shifts based on who had the most recent movie come out.  The weird thing is it tends to shift away from the movie in question.  Revenge of the Sith got me firmly back into the Star Trek zone, but then the Star Trek reboot (even seeing those three words together makes me want to punch someone) shifted things back to neutral.

Bottom line is, after 35 years of debate and debasement of two of the most brilliant franchises in entertainment history, thanks to incompetent bungling by guys who should have had a better grasp of the material I still can’t decide which is the better of the two.  However, instead of comparing apples to oranges the two series have mixed together to form a murky, muddy composite whose sum is less than the value of the two separate parts.  Yes I am bitter.

The Nemesis image comes to us from the Star Trek T Shirt category.

Thanks for reading.  I actively request comments on this subject, so if you have an opinion by all means chime in here.  If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at david@nerdkungfu.com or follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu.  I am seeing a bad chick flick tomorrow night so look forward to a funny review Wednesday.  Not sure what I will write tomorrow.  Have a great day.

Dave

Of course, whenever I hear Misfits in the same sentence as band I am going to assume you are talking about the Misfits, one of the greatest punk/horror/pop bands ever.  Naturally no songs by the Misfits were in this very family friendly film, although I did catch London Calling by the Clash.  In fact I also heard I Fought the Law by the Clash in the trailer for Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted that they played before this film, so I guess it can be said that the Clash have officially sold out.  Sad really, and in both cases the songs were as out of place and disconcerting as finding hard core pornography in a grade school child’s book bag.  (Misfits image courtesy of the Vintage T Shirts).

So I am a big fan of Wallace and Gromit, and therefore this style of animation really works for me.  A lot of the humor styling carried over as well, and in general the movie was really fun and enjoyable.  However, I think in the effort to ride the fence between being fun for kids and entertaining for adults this film kind of failed to really succeed at either.  Not bad.  Just not as awesome as I think it could have been.

As is my policy for kids movies I will not do the full on stars/black holes review but rather just talk about the overall feeling for the film.  I generally base my kids reviews on how the kids in the audience were reacting, and for the most part they seemed to be enjoying themselves but not going bat**** nuts like I have seen for other kids movies.  I think a lot of the humor went over their heads, and some of the action might have been a little intimidating for them.

The story is of a band of pirates, led by an intrepid sailor with the fortuitous name of the Pirate Captain (was he named Pirate Captain at birth, or was he like Pirate Sailor?  There is a guy in my building down the hall who calls himself Pirate, but I am pretty sure that is a nick name of some kind).  The funniest part of the entire movie was the individual pirates and the names they were given, like Surprisingly Curvacious Pirate and Pirate who likes Sunsets and Kittens.  Each one had a distinct personality that meshed well together.  However, I think this was exactly the sort of thing that missed the kids entirely.  Anyway, they are kind of down on their luck with a decrepit boat and a less than stellar reputation, but the Pirate Captain opts to enter the Pirate of the Year contest.  He is faced with three other captains, all more competent and successful than he.

The crew sets off to capture booty and runs into a string of ships with next to nothing on it.  Eventually they capture Charles Darwin, who convinces them to head off to London for Scientist of the Year.  There they meet Queen Victoria, who has an absolute hatred of pirates for fairly unclear reasons.  Piratical hijinks ensue.  Queen Victoria is painted in a fairly negative light (not really into the UK market I guess, although how mad would we be if someone did a movie that showed Abe Lincoln in a comical light?).

Overall, a fun, enjoyable movie.  The only issue really is the compromise they tried to strike between kiddy and adult.  However, if you are looking for something to kill 88 minutes with your kids you will probably not regret seeing this.  The kids will be entertained, and you will not be bored.  The characters were fun, and the animation good.  Even the 3D actually added to the film, although I have long held that the best 3D comes from animated movies.  It just translates better.

Thanks for reading.  Sorry about the short review, but really not a lot to sink my teeth into here.  This week I think it likely you will see me dive into another George Lucas rant at least once, so if you are into that keep checking back.  I also had fun writing up those cartoon questions yesterday and might hit it again.  Tuesday I will probably go see Girl in Progress, but am kind of dreading it.  It looks like kind of movie that will make me wish I had spent the two hours trapped in a collapsed coal mine.  However, those generally make for funny reviews so you, my beloved readers, have that to look forward to.  Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.  Feel free to post any comments about this movie here, or if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at david@nerdkungfu.com.  Talk to you soon.

Dave

Road Runner-this question seems pretty obvious, but it is perplexing: if Wile E Coyote could afford to order all those thing from Acme, couldn’t he just as easily afford to order a pizza or something?  Same thing with Sylvester and Tweetie.  They seem to live in an urban enviroment.  You mean to tell me there is not Church’s or Chick Fil A within a reasonable distance?  You would think after the fourth or fifth frying pan to the face Sylvester would have gotten the message.

Duck Tales-Why does Scrooge McDuck keep all his money in a giant money bin as a target for the Beagle Boys?  If he is smart enough to earn all that money why isn’t he smart enough to figure out how to put his money in a bank?  Not only would it be safer (and earn interest), it would be federally insured and if the Beagle Boys tried to rob it that would be a Federal Offense.  That is a level of pain beyond the pale.  Sure, he would not be able to go swimming in his money, but given that 99% of his stress is related to getting robbed wouldn’t that be worth it?  For that matter how the hell does he swim in all that money?  I’ve never had enough coins and bills to fill even a bath tub, but I have a Sparklets jug half full of loose change and I can say that if I dove head first into it I would probably break my neck.

Speed Buggy-if Tinker is smart enough to make a dune buggy that can think, fall in love, and control itself, isn’t he smart enough to create one without a major speech impediment?

Scooby Doo-the list of questions I have on this show would fill a library (most of them having to do with what exactly is in those Scooby Snacks?) but the one that bugs me the most is why is it the gang always finds someone trying to scare everyone away with a ghost pirate costume in order to smuggle diamonds, and never guys smuggling drugs across the border who scare meddling kids off with bullets?  Also, shouldn’t the gang be roped into weeks if not months of testimony at the trial of every crook they catch, not bouncing off to their next adventure?  For that matter what the hell do they do for money?  There always seems to be pizza money.  There is a dark part of my soul that secretly hopes the gang is into the sex trade and the Mystery Machine is some kind of rolling pimp wagon.

Winnie the Pooh-yes, I am recycling this one from my movie review, but it is still bugging me.  Where is Roo’s father?  Is Kanga a widow, or is her husband a deadbeat?  Maybe he was abusive and she escaped to the 100 Acres Woods to hide out from him.  Also, of you are a kangaroo why would your mom name you Kanga and you then in turn name your son Roo?  That’s like if my name was Hu and I named my son Man.  Everyone else has a fairly normal name.

I think that’s enough Zen conundrums for one evening.  Odds are I will return to this on another slow night, as I have a ton of these.  If you have any answers feel free to message me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or post a comment here.  If you have specific questions or suggestions feel free to email me at david@nerdkungfu.com.  I will be finally seeing Pirates tomorrow so look for a review on that later.  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you later.

Dave

I don’t think it’s a big deal, although I tend to find them distracting.  The funny part will come when they develop cosmetic eyebrow hair plugs so guys who are less well endowed in the brow department can feel good about themselves.  Eventually all hot guys are going to look like the Lorax.  I am sure women will enjoy laughing at that.

This Spider Man image is from Dave’s Marvel Comic T Shirts.  I do like Silver Age style art.

Jason